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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread no 53

999 replies

Flipper924 · 06/05/2013 21:48

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;

  1. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
  2. It's all BS until it actually happens;
  3. Trust your gut instinct;
  4. If it is not fun, stop

Off we go...

OP posts:
EternalRose · 07/05/2013 13:27

Bant -Interesting what you said about the kissing thing, my ex is a terrible kisser but he is alright otherwise. But for me now, bad kissing would be a dealbreaker...

Secretservice - I can understand that you might feel like you are running out of time, I hadn't considered that...

Winefiend - That is the thing, once I have sex with someone my judgement is clouded big time which is evident by the fact I have stayed with someone way, way, way, past their sell by date

For me, I would need to see consistent actions from this potential partner that he is interested in ME, and not just the sex. I told my friend first that it would pretty much need to be relationship first, sex afterwards...

I am old-fashioned.

EternalRose · 07/05/2013 13:29

Edit....*I told my friend this morning

OhWesternWind · 07/05/2013 13:57

Rose I think a good sexual relationship is something that needs to be worked at to a certain extent as you become more used to each other and at ease with each other.

But, like Bant says, if there are fundamental differences in what people like or expect, or how the other person relates to you in bed (which can be very different to how they are when chatting in the pub), then that could cause major problems in the future. For example, I did have one guy, who I didn't actually sleep with but was planning to, when he mentioned some things he wanted me to do to him that I was really not comfortable with.

I've slept with two people now whilst OD. The first time, there was a lot of faffing about on my part about shall I/shan't I as I was very nervous as I'd not done anything like that for a very long time, but this time I have had no such qualms. Both went well, the first improved a lot with time and I think the same will happen with this one. Both were/are in situations where we both intended to carry on seeing each other, and I don't think I'd be comfortable otherwise.

I agree with the thing about life being too short though. I wasted many, many years with someone who was selfish and rubbish in bed and ended up having no sex life for years whilst we were together. I don't want to miss out on that side of life any more. It's important and a big part of what makes a relationship different to a friendship.

KirstyWirsty · 07/05/2013 14:19

OMG .. He is absolutely gorgeous!! Much better than his pictures .. He thought I looked better than my pics too .. Really hit it off .. Going out for dinner on Saturday Grin

MirandaWest · 07/05/2013 14:44

Ooh that's great Kirsty Grin

HeyBeenTryingToMeetYou · 07/05/2013 14:48

Rose I'm like you I think, am having a second date with MrAttractive at the weekend. Cough, cough, YES A SECOND DATE, ahem, oops, caps lock, ahem.... And I am hoping for some snogging, but can't imagine being comfortable then to do shagging on date 3. Actually, I think it's the expectation that I would shag him on date 3 that gets on my tits. We are all different, just go at your own pace Smile

I don't think you are a disappearer in that situation Bant, to me a disappearer would be someone who after a few seemingly successful dates just suddenly cut contact with no explanation.

Louly, sorry to hear you are feeling low. Feel free to tell me to sod off, but have you considered cbt to help with low self esteem / social insecurities type stuff. I had this and it helped me enormously.

Sounds promising Kirsty Smile

DaydreamDolly · 07/05/2013 15:16

Hi WFF! Glad all is going well. Loula, honestly don't waste time trying to work out what 'you' did as I doubt very much it was you, sounds like he's just a flake. It's happened to me a few times and I just forget it and move on.

DaydreamDolly · 07/05/2013 15:17

Great news Kirsty!

lubeybooby · 07/05/2013 15:19

Rose, there's nothing wrong at all in waiting

it just isn't for me for two reasons:

  1. I am looking at the moment for something based more on sex than it anything else. Yes with a little nice stuff too like going out etc but getting some damned good sex is my main concern for the forseeable :o

  2. even when I'm looking for something maybe a bit more serious sex is something really vital to me and I have a clear idea of how I like and want it. It's dealbreaker territory.

I can be a bit more forgiving if everything else is brilliant though as the main focus wouldn't be sex when looking for a proper relationship

but - either way. I don't want to get too far down the line and then discover, like I have in the past, completely unworkable sexual issues.

Fetishes that are too strong for the person to have normal sex without

Porn addiction meaning they can't orgasm unless by wanking

Erectile dysfunction they won't get any help for

all of the above happened to me in the space of a about a year with otherwise excellent men I was dating. But all of those were a dealbreaker. I'm glad i didn't wait til i was in love!

Loulybelle · 07/05/2013 15:47

Well over it now, have bigger issues to deal with, hes no big loss to me, just wish he picked someone else instead of darkening my door.

Hey, i've had CBT, it didnt make a difference.

KinNora · 07/05/2013 16:08

Hello Twinny Grin

Loulybelle · 07/05/2013 16:11

Oh and i worked out what my purpose was for, he was just using me for a confidence boost.

Bant · 07/05/2013 18:30

Right I'm off out to meet the Unnamed Hungarian. Can't promise a loo update as I don't get signal there.

Wish me luck

Loulybelle · 07/05/2013 18:31

Good Luck Bant, remember to not do anything that will shame us mumsnetters ;)

KinNora · 07/05/2013 18:31

Good luck Bant, I hope it's much more enjoyable than you're expecting it to be.

fedthefup · 07/05/2013 18:46

Good luck Bant, finally caught up on the old thread and the new one! Good news is i've joined Meet up and have rsvp'd to an event but there are only 10 people going! Not a lot going on in my area which is surprising.
Bad news is, still a bit wobbly over ex (ish) and his 'sort of' OW - trying to decide whether to tune in tonight or not, I know i'll just be sat looking for faults (pretty unlikely though - she is far prettier than me :( )

KinNora · 07/05/2013 19:05

Fed I wouldn't tune in, why put yourself through something painful that you can just avoid ? And I speak from personal experience on that one, I can tell you.

HeyBeenTryingToMeetYou · 07/05/2013 19:30

Good luck Bant

I wouldn't tune in Fed, the day I stopped looking at my ex and his new gf on Facebook was one of the most freeing days of my life. I am so much happier because of it. You are only hurting yourself, and maintaining the illusion that you are somehow still involved in their life. Much better (for me anyway), to stop all that, and realise actually how remote your life is from theirs. It is bloody tough.

Loulybelle · 07/05/2013 19:42

My ex has had 3 relationships after me, i havent had anyone, and i just cant give a shit about that, im waiting for something meaningful, not just something to pass the time.

KinNora · 07/05/2013 20:20

Knowing what you want and holding out for that, instead of making do, is probably a very healthy way to set about OD, Lou.

Yes Hey, I'm lucky in that I refuse to do Facebook so I don't have the temptation to look at my ex's relationships. I think there's a tendency to imagine that they must be perfect, and everyone's all loved up - in reality they'll be struggling with the same issues that exist in all relationships.

OhWesternWind · 07/05/2013 20:28

Good luck Bant

Hi WFF would never ignore you!

Hey whoo whoo whoo for date number two! Have you got any arrangements made yet?

Nora so what's the story with Ole Showbiz after the weekend?

Fed just don't do it, won't make you feel better. Meet up sounds good, nothing in my area at all so ten people is not to be sneezed at.

Pom hope you're feeling a bit brighter today.

Dolly loads and loads of good luck for tonight!

Louly there are some people out there who use OD for all sorts if reasons apart from dating! I'm hoping to find something meaningful too, fingers crossed for us.

Sorry whoever I've missed.

Have got my equilibrium back a bit today and feeling much more positive. Date lined up for tomorrow with Indie - this is becoming a bit of a habit ... That's good, I think.

Bant · 07/05/2013 20:29

Well she's interesting. Good to talk to. But there are 5 other women in the bar and I find them all more attractive. Is that a bad thing?

OhWesternWind · 07/05/2013 20:29

I missed fantastic kick-ass Lubey! Amazing stuff going on with you. Keep it up!

OhWesternWind · 07/05/2013 20:31

Bant is she actually unattractive or just less attractive? Good to talk to is more important, I think.

KinNora · 07/05/2013 20:36

I'm glad you feel a little better today, OWW, don't let that muppet get you down. Is tomorrow's date with Indie going to afford another sexy time opportunity ?

The story with Showbiz, hmmm, tricky. I like him, he's good company, he errr clearly knows a thing or two but I don't fancy him. Maybe it makes me feel safe to know that I'm not going to fall for him and that's good for me at the moment. I'm seeing him again at the end of the month.

Bant I suspect it means you won't be boffing her in the lift. (new euphemism ?)

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