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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread no 53

999 replies

Flipper924 · 06/05/2013 21:48

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;

  1. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
  2. It's all BS until it actually happens;
  3. Trust your gut instinct;
  4. If it is not fun, stop

Off we go...

OP posts:
DaydreamDolly · 06/05/2013 22:57

But what if he wants to do 'the sex', I really wouldn't want to with kids asleep upstairs or am I being a prude? Maybe I'll give him food poisoning and then won't have to worry about it.

HeyBeenTryingToMeetYou · 06/05/2013 23:00

I vote for a thread dinner party at Dolly's, sounds delicious.

Well, he was just really nice. Normal, no dramas, lovely twinkle in his eye, didn't slag of his ex once (unlike the previous 2 dates), seems like that rare thing 'a decent bloke' (I am bearing in mind I don't know him at all, but you know what I mean). Funny, sweet, has been very gracious in all dealings with me online so far. Even if he doesn't want to take it further, it is just lovely to be reminded what a nice date can actually be, whereas the other 2 were either 'fine' or 'meh' but not properly enjoyable. Or twinkly. Am just feeling very happy right now Smile.

OhWesternWind · 06/05/2013 23:01

If you don't feel comfortable with it, Dolly, then don't do it. Are you worried he'll be expecting it? You could drop a few hints about the children being light sleepers or something so he knows it won't be on the cards.

VelvetSpoon · 06/05/2013 23:02

Lubey brilliantly well done re not smoking and diet! go you!

I have some success to report myself, in that I am now a full 5.5lb lighter than this time last week Grin If I can keep this up (unlikely) I will be a stone lighter by the time C gets back. Not that he will notice, he thinks I'm lovely as I am Blush

Western I think you should mention the stuff with your Ex to Indie, but the key IMO is keeping it brief/light - saying that you may seem a bit distracted, which is nothing to do with him, just some unexpected stuff re the Ex which have inconveniently come up. And sort of leave it at that really, no need to explain further. If he's a decent normal person (which he seems to be) he'll appreciate that there are always little issues which arise with Exs, and not draw any adverse inference from it.

Re alcohol, one of my Exs didn't drink at all. It was never really an issue, he wasn't judgy over people who do drink (that can often be a problem with the teetotal, that they are horribly sanctimonious about not drinking etc), and was quite happy for me to drink. In fact the night I met him I was completely pissed, didnt put him off at all.

Hey glad date 3 went well!

OhWesternWind · 06/05/2013 23:04

Hey that sounds like the very best sort of first date. Fingers crossed there'll be another one. He sounds great.

DaydreamDolly · 06/05/2013 23:05

Hey I love that sparkly feeling! Enjoy it! I think it's anticipation of something potentially lovely coming your way that gives us the sparkles... You can't fake em!
Thanks for advice re light sleepers that's a great one. I don't think he'll expect it, but as I don't properly know him yet, I can't be sure.

HeyBeenTryingToMeetYou · 06/05/2013 23:05

Dolly, absolutely not a prude, it's entirely your decision what you feel comfortable. You may want to do 'the sex' (eek) after one date, or after twenty five. If he is not happy with that, it is equally his decision to move on. But then you've just weeded another one out Smile. I agree with OWW, if you are anxious, then there is nothing wrong with setting expectations with him.

OhWesternWind · 06/05/2013 23:08

And thank you Dolly and Bant and Velvet for the sound advice. Will drop that lightly into conversation soon, just to explain a bit.

Original poster
Flipper924 · 06/05/2013 23:09

Lots of dates coming up, and good stuff going on!

Lubes and Velvet, congratulations on the weight loss! This thread is simply choc-a-block with determined, strong women. And some equally marvellous men.

OP posts:
HeyBeenTryingToMeetYou · 06/05/2013 23:09

Thanks Velvet and yay re weight loss (btw you ARE lovely just as you are), but still yay!

Thanks Dolly and OWW, I think great and potentially lovely sums it up, and it's just nice to know that I am still capable of feeling like this.

Sorry, think I missed a few of your posts OWW, but I second what the others say about telling Indie.

Scrazy · 06/05/2013 23:18

Place marking on the new thread as I still read.

Waving to everyone, Lubey and Velvet well done. OWW horrible for you and I would say focus on yourself and your family for the moment. I'm pleased your mum has woken up and she will be on your side again.

I've had a great weekend and my previous ex who is now my current is making me very happy atm. I think the tables have turned, finally Grin.

Snapespeare · 06/05/2013 23:51

oww just to add to previous thread well wishes, it is so unbelievably unfair when XPs have new families and you are then financially held over a barrel. I could never afford to have any extra children after kids dad left, he went on to have two subsequent relationships with a child in each relationship. Each time that reduced my family income. Then he got sacked gave up work to be a SAHD, so fuck-all forever. You do adjust, you end up a bit frazzled and living hand-to-mouth, but you get by. This is the last thing you need after other stresses, so just posting with love and sympathy for you.

lubey & velvet I am sitting eating cheese and onion mccoys at my kitchen table and necking a large G&T. I am hugely fat and blissfully happy. I'll be back on track tomorrow. Well done both of you. :)

bant nameless doesn't drink. I am a giant lush and don't drink around nameless, because I don't want him to cotton on that I'm a giant lush. Plus-side, I remember everything that we do. Blush the inhibitions seemed to leave quite quickly, I wouldn't see it as a problem.

Namelesswise, lovely afternoon and evening (the sex is getting ridiculous stealthboast) still nothing said about long term plans/feelings alcohol may have it's place after all... he is just stunningly lovely. When I'm with him, I 'get' what he thinks/feels about me, it's only when he's a bit head-fuzzy and we're apart that I start to worry and consider him on the basis of dick-weeds who have fucked me over. I know that's unfair and stupid-head-tapey, but short of daily face to face contact Hmm I'll need to put up with me being daft,

VelvetSpoon · 07/05/2013 00:07

Snape what I wouldn't do for a packet of McCoys now! tells self to think of weight loss and wearing lovely dresses which don't fit

I relate very much to the feelings of uncertainty and worry. I know it's not quite the same for C and I because we're not in any kind of a relationship yet but when I'm with him I have no doubt about how he feels about me, how much he likes me, how massively he is attracted to me - if anything I feel it is more on his side than mine BUT when I'm not with him, I don't ever feel quite so certain, and whilst I can trot along fairly merrily most of the time, I do have troughs where I feel it is all completely on my side. And then I see him again, and it all resets. And that will carry on I think until either he decides he is ready and we can call it a relationship, and I am his gf. Or I give up on him.

The troughs are at least partly borne out of previous experiences - I still do have worries he will just stop contacting me and disappear like so many of my previous OD experiences. But he hasn't, and I don't think he will.

I know this probably isn't much help but I suppose what I'm saying is once you've been burned in the past, it's hard to believe anyone is what they seem, and you wait for it all to blow up. But I do think Nameless is a nice guy, and it will all be ok, I'm sure of it :)

BillMasen · 07/05/2013 00:48

Hi,
I've just had quite a nice date. A few drinks and then some late food. Got thrown out as the restaurant was closing. Some snogging as I got dropped off home so i'd hope we'll see each other again. Very good snogging in fact :)

lubeybooby · 07/05/2013 01:59

Thanks everyone!

It's been really difficult... but only on and off

Most of the time a breeze, but when it's tough it's so tough it could just break me into tiny pieces. Thankfully those tough points don't last long! So for anyone wanting try it particularly if it's one or the other honestly do it. Don't fear it, you'll surprise yourself! For the cigs read the allen carr free pdf. For weight loss just use an online food diary and cal count and make it up as you go along to suit yourself and what you like.

Snape my loss this week was despite having a LARGE pizza hut pizza with the cheesy bites crust. ALL of it to myself. Last Monday. I just lost the plot totally after three weeks of being an angel and had to gorge massively and disgustingly! I had been pretty good that day so it only took me about 300 cals over what I should have.

The beauty of calorie counting is that you can compensate for it in the following days if you go massively off track like I did then.

I try to low carb most of the time too as being v low cal all week gives me a lot of cals to play with to have a blow out if I want one and a little bit extra weight loss if I don't.

So yeah aaaanyway my point is getting back on track the next day as you said or even the day after is fine.

Velvet well done on your 5.5lbs :o

Dating update from me. Still the same really, still too busy to really date or be meeting anyone. Have work trip coming up soon (17th) and will be shagging Mr Flirt during that. My ridiculous libido is doing it's nut again especially with the weight loss and energy so glad that is coming up :o

Will have date with the RL one that asked me out, but not til June.

Also seeing BC in June Confused :o

Urgh, I must sleep. Can't believe it's nearly 2am. [worn out now emoticon]

HeyBeenTryingToMeetYou · 07/05/2013 08:40

Snape and Velvet, I think it is totally normal to feel those niggly doubts when you are not with someone, when nothing has been formally declared about the relationship.

Well, I appear to have been asked for a second date by my lovely date yesterday evening, MrAttractive. Hoorah! Grin

Lubey you've just inspired me to go to the gym this afternoon.

MirandaWest · 07/05/2013 08:41

I'm going running after dropping the DC at school (have been v lax at doing this recently Blush)

WarmFuzzyFun · 07/05/2013 09:17

Well hello Thread 53!Smile

Avid thread reader, occasional (often ignored) posterGrin

So far, all is well. Lab is still lovely.

WFF re-enters the shadows...

Loulybelle · 07/05/2013 09:35

Hey all, Im new to these threads,

Now what do you do when you connect with others, then they suddenly lose interest after about a week, and start to ignore you, how can you work out the issue when no one will be honest with you?

lubeybooby · 07/05/2013 09:53

Louly, you stop bothering even trying because it's just impossible, ignore them if they eventually reappear like nothing happened too. Sorry

I know it sucks but it does happen a lot so that's the best way to deal with it. Ignore and move on.

Toni2710 · 07/05/2013 09:54

Morning all - its so sunny today and im stuck at work looking out. Rubbish!

I thought the thread had gone :-S Blonde moment I think. So my date from Sun night does want to see me again. Which is good as I did like him (though he had odd shoes and an odd belt on!! I know, I know, as if that matters right now. But i like men in good shoes!) However, I have another date with the one I refer to as 'hot guy' on wednesday. Sunday night guy did kind of insinuate that he thinks when you go on a second date, you shouldnt date other people at the same time. What are peoples thoughts? I thought it was perhaps jumping the gun a bit for a second date.

Loulybelle · 07/05/2013 09:55

It just happened recently Lubey, and i actually really liked him, im gonna give it a rest for a while, dont think my insecurities are ready for it.

lubeybooby · 07/05/2013 10:02

Awww Louly sorry to hear that :(

After dating on and off for 6 years with a couple of relationships in the middle, and many many many dates I am just used to it and it glances off me

Had you met him yet?

If not then first dates don't really seem to have that massive a success rate so chances are something would have been not quite right anyway from either of your points of view

If you had then count yourself lucky to be already shot of someone who would treat you like this when they're meant to be impressing you

lubeybooby · 07/05/2013 10:07

Toni that is jumping the gun a bit for me too.

I (well when actively dating properly anyway instead of just fwb hunting) tend to remain open to other dates right up until monogamous coupledom is mutually agreed.

However if something was really really good (like with BC) I'd lose interest in other dates from about the fourth or fifth date once bedroom action had been had. So although not intentional it just kind of happens anyway when something is heading in the direction of a relationship and you're in contact a lot and regular dates etc.

From the second date is yeah... bit soon for exclusivity imho.

Loulybelle · 07/05/2013 10:07

Nope Lubey, only been a week, dont wanna give too much away for reasons i cant go into.

But this has happened about 15 times in 4 years, no relationships in that time, all it does it is chip away at a very fragile self esteem, so now of course i believe once again its because im utterly repulsive and im just a source of entertainment and thats it. Kinda like a puppy at xmas, its cute at first, then you cant wait to get rid of it.