Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Just lurking about really. I feel a bit like I'm drowning and want to just scream. I think if I hear "I'm working on it" one more time, I may just melt down.

Lots of shouting, name calling, and swearing today. (not from me) Mostly directed at children under the age of 7. Some directed at me when I intervened. God I hate bullies.

Lemon thanks! I have filled my home with flowers, candles, nice music and love. I am walking around smiling more than I have in ages. I feel like I am already healing even though I know it is early days. I just feel for the kids but I also know that they will be fine....kindness to myself. Gosh, there is a new and wonderful concept :) Will try.

arthriticfingers yes! Thankyou! I keep listening to Kate Nash - Foundations. Says it all so clearly too.

charlotte always astonishes me how they want to try to fix things after you have finally said f*$%off! I have tried for 2 years. There is NO WAY on earth I am ever going back to the pain, crushing suffocation, confusion and general shite!

Winnie strength and handholding. Hang in there x

Sam thanks for the handholding and your idyllic image of what it might be like 'flowers, candles, nice music and love' - that would be nice.

Charlotte we went to relate with that same aim over a year ago ie help to separate. It was a completely soul destroying experience and we were no closer to separation by the end of it. If only I'd started with a question about abuse, it might have gone differently. Stay strong.

Alice your day sounds similar to our's. (I obviously tempted fate earlier by saying it was all forgotten about since last night ). I actually said 'there is a difference between parenting and bullying' not to him there isn't .

nsdh has asked when I'm leaving his house because he doesn't want to live like this (because I had the temerity to leave him watching ds whilst he was calling a client). Cue him threatening that if I ever do that again he'll walk out and leave ds on his own but ultimately he wants us to leave because this is his house and he likes some stuff about having a family but not with me, so he probably will have another family but not with anyone like me. He's an arse isn't he?

Hi all, sneaks back in after long absence. Well, just catching up here after going from telling FW (see I can call him that now, big progress) that I was unhappy in Feb, him moving out on Mothers day, lots of him trying to get me to take him back and me feeling guilty, to him hating me and finally divorce proceedings starting 3 weeks ago.
Well lots of fuckwittery going on... I am a bitch who has threatened him with the CSA as he only wants to pay £20 PW maintenance but will reimburse me for clothes etc if I provide receipts. If I mention maintenance he wants to deduct the food that she eats while she is with his mum (our childcare). I am stopping him from getting a mortgage as I am stalling with rearranging my life and work to increase my earning potential. I have also apparently threatened to take his DD away from him. He wants 50:50 access to DD (no doubt to avoid paying maintenance) but he forgets that he doesn't even have a bed for her yet. I have said he can see her anytime that he likes but that the overnights stays are not practical until he has his own place and a bed for her. He then usually refuses to see her unless it his allocated time and if he does see her he returns her before a meal as he doesn't want to feed her.
Anyway I am hoping that this divorce is quick and I going to hold a party. Every single person I have spoken to is happy for me and have been lovely and supportive.

montessoriam I have also been listening to Kate Nash really helps.
Am now going to read back a couple of pages to see how you all are.

charlotte well done
Tiered the sabotaging and putting you down that is exactly what my FW did/does. It took me ages to realise that it is just pure jealousy and that I am allowed to be proud of the stuff I have done.

FW has told dd1. Took her out to the shops just before bedtime; told her we were probably going to separate because I don't love him any more. Lots of sighing and sadness. FW!! So glad dd1 told me what had happened, but what a wretched way for her to find out. She was hugely upset at bedtime, naturally. We've talked: I've told her that daddy is a grown-up and he must handle his own emotions; nothing is going to happen quickly, just like I told her last time; he will still be around and wanting to set aside time to spend with his dcs (which she and I know gives the chance of more quality time with him than they are used to).

She is drifting off to sleep now and I am sitting outside her room. He may have done me a favour in the long run, deciding that the dcs should find out sooner rather than later. I thought we would not tell them for a while. Will have to tell dd2 and ds quickly, though, so that dd1's not faced with keeping it secret from them. They've got a school trip tomorrow, so either it'll cast a shadow over the day or it'll take their mind off it. Maybe a bit of both. :(

It's all so two-faced, though: he tells my parents it's not over and he won't let it be; to his own dd, he presents himself as a victim of a heartless mummy.

Lahti - that's great, that everyone you've spoken to is happy for you. Speaks volumes, that! FWery all sounds awful, but they do do us a favour in showing us their true colours so we know we've made the right decision, don't they?!

charlotte I know I have made the right decision. Even my mum who at first was gobsmacked is now saying that she wished I had left him years ago. I am doing so much more now since he has gone. For instance I went on a night out last week and wore high heels, FW refused to let me wear anything but flat work shoes or trainers WTAF!!

I have also bought lots of new clothes and had my hair restyled (break up haircut) and I have had so many compliments it is really nice.
So sorry that your FW told your DD, it is all about control I guess and he just wants you to look like the bad guy. Your DD will see through him in time I'm sure.

Charlotte ironic that in telling your DD and trying to cause problems that he probably did a small favour, although obviously not in a good way. At least you don't have to hide it, and they can come to you with their questions and concerns, rather than keeping them to themselves or wondering what's going on as they haven't been told. It's difficult but probably better in the long run that they know so you can openly support them through it all.

Lahti I agree, it's great that they're all happy for you. Definitely tells you it was the right decision!

What a knobhead, Charlotte. He just wanted to get in there first with his version - shows how his whole approach to this will be.

Lahti - raising my to you, you've done so well getting this far. And to sam, I'm relieved for your sake that he has left, I thought he would refuse to go in the end.

Alice - where are you with your plan to leave/get him out? You can't go on like this, you'll end up going over the edge.

Well, it's been a funny old weekend here. Ages ago, Maggie (hope you are doing ok, lovely) asked me about the letter I left FW when I left, I knew I had 'version 1' somewhere but couldn't find it. On Friday I found it, just randomly came across it. It was exactly one year since I wrote it. Weird. I felt ok on Friday despite the anniversary. Felt ok all weekend. Today I feel a bit... off. Feeling better now, but still slightly... off. It still hurts, everything that happened. But, on the upside, I've lost 2lbs!! Upwards and onwards, dearhearts.

Yes, funnily enough, I'm feeling like her (dd1) - I had a shock and thought it was all awful, but now I'm feeling more positive. He's proved he's still a FW. I am doing the right thing!

anyone? Cheers! :o

pony - a year! That's great. Anniversaries can be weird; it's not surprising if you've had an off day. Hope the helps adjust things again.

Thanks Charlotte - I'll drink it virtually, am doing the 5:2 diet and today is a 'fast' day so no real for me today. All part of my 'get my life back' campaign!

Hi.

Not exactly had the conversation yet. 6 weeks ago I told him that I couldn't continue like this. We said we would give it until August and if no change we would part. But I don't think he takes it seriously.
I have suffered anxiety and panic attacks for 30 months and had therapy. They say its his behaviour that caused it. I have only just accepted this is true.
DC aged 18 and 24.
I have lots have fabulous supportive friends and family. They have been holding their breath waiting for me to leave.
But 22 years of living like this it's difficult. I have no job. We don't have joint bank accounts. House in both names. So hard to just walk away.
But I've been saying that for at least ten years.

fff if he is making you ill then you need to leave. Two years ago I nearly had a breakdown with all of the things that were happening in my marriage. I couldn't take anymore; I kicked him out (literally, physically throwing his stuff out of the door) and quit my job and hit rock bottom. There is only so much you can take mentally and physically. Start making a plan if you are unhappy. Open up an account in your own name, begin to put a little money aside each month. Even this can be empowerig and make you believe you can do it! If you take your time and have an end goal you will be fine. If you don't work you could try benefits for a while - you won't starve. Handholding, strength and support on here can help. x

Just checking in, I agree Charlotte's FW, predictably being a FW. Sounds like things are going well with you sam

Feeling a bit stronger here, not quite made the metamorphosis but definitely better. Feeling more complete. I'm feeling creative, I'm listening to music again, seeing more of my friends and family and being more honest with them than I ever have. I can't believe how quickly I've started to recover to be honest. It is hard thinking of FW having moved on and that I'm sure he'll rub it in my face soon enough but I am loving some of the gains. You might remember I started a shitlist of all the crap he's done to me and reasons to be glad I'm out. I now have a 2nd list on the go of all my gains and it's getting longer.

Also crucially, have discussed hypothetically would I ever take him back? Well not one person who knows me thinks that would be an idea to entertain ( not that it's an option but anyway).

I have realised I loved the him I created. Having an imaginary friend would be a better bet.

My WIQ (woman in question) has gone very quiet which is providing a nice distraction in a very weird way!

Hooray for the gains list - good to be focussing on yourself positively again. I look forward to doing that when I have strength!

I'm ok today, just feeling lonely. He's getting loads of support, I think. He just rings a friend and spins the story. I have a good friend here who I told today and her response was great. Apart from that, I don't really want to talk to people about it. I don't want to encounter the prejudice and lack of understanding, and I don't want to argue my case for leaving. As a consequence, I'm not really talking much at all.

Oh, but on a more positive note, FW bingo time. Last night, he said he's worried that I'm speaking to a load of people online who don't even know him. I wondered about saying, "Ohh, they know you only too well," but decided I'd come across as totally barking! :o And has anyone had this one?: he feels there's a spiritual battle going on here - and he and a friend are fasting two meals a day for a fortnight to pray for me the situation. Well, FW managed a day of that, because we had friends over for lunch today! :o

Colin hurrah! That all sounds very positive. You sound so much happier and empowered. Your imaginary friend comment is so true.
Well done on making it through

oops, x-posted
Charlotte I usually find myself nodding to everyone's tales of FWs but I can safely say I've never heard of the spiritual fasting to save you . That almost deserves some kind of award for extra-special FWedness! But, on second thoughts, since he was thwarted by lunch he doesn't even deserve his FW-of-the-highest-order award!

Wow, everyone here is doing so well in the face of overwhelming fwittery! On the other hand, I thought I was really taking things well but in the last couple of days have missed him like mad.
This is how mad- still awaiting Sti results and I don't know if it's a way of distracting myself from fear but I've been imagining contact with him when I get them.. Yet obviously, there's nothing to say if they're neg and I want them to be neg, then I almost feel sad as there's no reason to get in touch. Yes, that's how lunatic my thinking is this week. :(
I'm even starting to imagine he wasn't abusive, just thinking of that first glorious month.
So it seems that the actual fw in question here is me!!!!!

pony - I know. But I'm at a standstill right now. Actually feel more like I'm struggling to keep my head above water right now.

And Winnie - this. *'there is a difference between parenting and bullying** that you said. So true. But again, not with H.

I daren't show H the letter from dr saying how H was calm and seemed relaxed or he'll act like it's all in my head. I don't think I can deal with that right now.

I'm going to make an appointment with a GP in our surgery that deals with DV stuff regularly (was recommended by the practice nurse) and talk to her. I am struggling with frustration and anger and just feeling like it doesn't matter what happens he just doesn't get how shitty this feels. I am tired of hearing "I'm working on it" and "I'm stressed" and "I'm sorry." Just fucking GROW UP! (sorry, there's that frustration creeping in again) I want to scream and shout and throw things. But I'm not allowed to show any of those feelings - if I'm angry or frustrated, then I'm "bringing everyone down" and "ruining everyone's day." His rants and shouting and swearing, of course, are lovely and add joy to our day, I suppose.

2013 that 'imagining he's not abusive' thing is why I got back with my husband 2 years ago when we split for 4 months (that and the fact that we had 3 very young kids!) But you start to think that maybe things weren't so bad after all and just maybe things would get better. Well, 2 years later and I'm right back here again. I figure if it is bad enough to make me ill then that is/was pretty bad!

Have told his family. Have got concerned emails back which clearly want us to be reunited. It's effing all right for them, they're in great marriages and they know that I am not! Just as soon as I talk about leaving, they get all nervous and start thinking I shouldn't.

I'm not going to engage with them. I don't have the emotional strength even if I wanted to. It's knocked me sideways a bit, though. I'm going to meet up with my supportive friend here as soon as I can.

Just checking in. Have nc, but previous nn related to sleep deprivation.

Lots of FWery here, feeling a bit drained, but hoping the Decree Nisi will be through soon.

Loving your NC... love Eddie Izzard! Stay strong, Singe.

Charlotte you too lovely. That's a lot to deal with. He'll be mobilising all his resources, family included, so expect an onslaught of 'but why?' Just as you say, don't engage. 'I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, it's private between me and FW', perhaps?

Alice - good idea to make that GP appointment. But what's to stop you from actually just leaving? Or do you want to stay in the house, so persuade him to leave? You need to marshall your own resources: GP, WA, health visitor, etc.