Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin


Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!




Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[NotSoNervous]

Wow Maggie's I haven't read any of your posts but you sound so strong. I hope you get lots of support where you've gone to now

Alice it's always us that makes their behavior an issue. I would love to know the logic behind the thinking

What does FW mean?

[NotSoNervous]

Wow Maggie's I haven't read any of your posts but you sound so strong. I hope you get lots of support where you've gone to now

Alice it's always us that makes their behavior an issue. I would love to know the logic behind the thinking

What does FW mean?

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Excellent response to your FW this morning, alice, you responded during the conversation with the sort of thing that I could only think of after the event.

[Funnyfishface]

Alice - love that ' I'm not like the tv box ...... Haha

[ColinCaterpillar]

Alice, it's so hard not to respond, my FW did exactly the same regarding being quiet. I really had to not text FW back yesterday which was a shame as I had some funny responses to them.

[ColinCaterpillar]

Oh maggie. I'm sorry to see you go but glad you've said your piece. This type of thing is infuriating.

fi I know what you are saying, I wish he would reveal himself to her instead. But she's the perfect love he's moving in with blah blah, meanwhile im an ugly bully! Yet he'll come to my place of employment to try and intimidate me. I can't believe someone can take your love and do that.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Well said, Maggie, although it's a shame, as I hate to see you go.

H has gotten up this morning, talking away, I was quiet as I was still irritated (and tired having gotten up numerous times during the night). He pushes to find out why I'm quiet - if I continue to be quiet, then I'm being miserable and bringing everyone down (and in his words "I haven't done anything to you this morning so I don't know why you'd be mad at me"), and if I tell him why I'm quiet (still irritated over his behaviour in the last 24 hours) then I'm making it a huge issue and "dwelling on it." So fucking manipulative, really. Either approach designed to firmly make HIM the victim and make me look spiteful and nasty. When all I really wanted was for him to leave me alone. I finally just said "do you really think a box of chocolates wipes out everything you've said? Or that a few hours sleep wipes out everything you've done? I'm not like the tv box, I don't just RESET at midnight and the next day becomes a do-over!" Shouldn't have risen to it, but I was so agitated.

[FairyFi]

oh! just amazeballs Maggie

sorry for the DCs feelings right now. Not that the FW cares, more busy considering himself of course.

Its so amazing to hear you speaking out in FREEDOM, and not giving a flying fuck!!!

Will pm hun xxxx

[FairyFi]

hand-holding and with you there Fly

Colin I also believed it would stop once he had a new love interest, still the forcing and FWittery goes on, but he doesn't want to direct stuff towards her and all the while 'they' can mutally blame me (you) it their way of released.

You'd think, wouldn't you, that the gf would recognise this behaviour as odd? but then what has he told her? that I'm the abusive one, that I am totally unreasonable, that I make issues out of thin air, - I do wonder any she feels about him being able to tell me I'll die alone of cancer probably not told her about that particular appalling thing [and the rest] then

Although she has witnessed some of it, I realise now, when he was humiliating her and shouting at her in front of her out in the street. Common parlance it seems also to denegrate me to DD, who was going out of her mind with it, and very depressed at the time because of it.

So, blame us, direct rage at us, continue to [try to] refuse us any control over our own lives they will. Sad but true.

[arthriticfingers]

maggie just

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Maggie woo hoo and bravo will pm if ok. Xxx

[MaggieOnTheSofa]

Hi ladies...sorry ive been MIA. Hope you are all ok sorry ive not read thread for ages you have all been in my thoughts everyday. It would appear FW has been to the same finishing school as Leclercs FW and SIL and has found me on here He cant abuse/rape me physically anymore so has progressed to this amongst other stuff like not yet seeing kids (6wks now). I have stayed quiet here but no more. I know I won't be able to post on here anymore but have just set up a secret account on another birdy social networking site where I have tried to link up with others like us too. Would love to keep in touch with you guys if you want to. Pls private message me and I can give you my account name details hopefully we can connect. Ex-FW and FWs in disguise need not apply Love you all ladies and would never have got this far without you all thank you xxx

Dear Bastard FW,
You are probably reading this post and I just wanted you to know I don't give a flying shit, I am not allowing you to hurt me or violate anymore. I hope you do read all of my past posts and are truly proud of the abuse you have dished out over the last 13 years to me and indirectly our two DC who you are now using as weapons in this by making arrangements as difficult as possible. Dont bother trying to find my new secret account as you won't, there are thousands of us women out there. You are a coward who has major issues with women and needs help with a variety of issues including that of an arse full of stretchmarks nature. Goodbye, good riddance and fuck off. Cheers

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Hello old and new friends.

Nodding along here like others!

Still in flat on the floor mode but not in a bad way IYSWIM. Just getting in touch with where I really am! I feel more like myself without the ADs. But not a massive difference - or perhaps I don't realise it?

Anyway, sending love to all.

[betterthanever]

Colin he hasn't had the reaction from you that he wanted, the one that would mean when he got you back it would be on his terms and he had more control than before. He has tried that trick now, so I am sure he will just try and think of another. I always think in many ways my FW is predictable but then he isn't - he wants the shock factor and he plans and plans and I get it again. it is never nice - try and relax as much as you can, I know that is easier said than done - my nerves are on edge the whole time.. thinking what next. I don't know how you stop that you pray they stop I guess.?

[ColinCaterpillar]

Thanks better. I'm feeling really shaken now and don't understand the game. Obviously to intimidate me, but he has a new toy now, why can't he leave me be?

[betterthanever]

colin he has obviously not been getting the attention from you he craves - turning up at your work to get, how low - keep strong. Sorry not been on for a while but I have been wondering how you and many others are getting on, such strong ladies.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Lahti - thanks. I'm probably going to have to do that - order it through a friend. Keeping it here and reading it while he's at work is not a huge problem. I have a fair few places he wouldn't look to put it.

[betterthanever]

Pony he is frightened, (and angry) this is just a strange man who he knows should have been here and has not been but he doesn't know why, plus I don't know if you know the back story but he first made contact by leaving a present (Ds hated - long story it was a dig at me !!)and card on the doorstep which DS found and it frightened DS that this stranger whoever he may call himself, is coming to his house.
He knows what a good dad is and how they should be and I think he also knows that dad's have their children at their house and with them and he fears that, which I have of course told him is not going to happen. DS is very bright and very happy he sees him as an intruder which he is. He is too young to fully understand it all so I guess that is another reason that he is fearful - when you don't fully understand something it is scary. I can't explain a lot of the back story to DS as he is too young.
My entitled FW will obviously find it impossible to believe that someone would not fall at his feet in gratitute at his heroic return !!
Fool my FW learned it all from his mum. I have only met her twice and was like OMG!!! he is actually a bad version of her but my FW will use fists when other things don't work. And oh yes, when I thought it wasn't a good idea for him to take a 5 days old, breast feeding baby 30 miles away without me, I was of course trying to control him !! I got a threatening fist, he got a solicitors letter, I heard no more for seven peaceful well ykwim years.
Not welcome to the board, fool has put it well about you exploring your relationship, I wish I had known about all these lovely people years ago, although I am sad that any one of them has to be here including you.
Charlotte I was only using the dog analagy (not sure that is the right word) today, FW has one and it does everything he says... he will be in for a shock if he does get my poor DS on his own and so will my poor DS when he reacts badly to not sitting or standing when asked.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Thanks, fool, I think I will. It seems safer using someone else's words than my own!

[Lahti]

alice I know this is from a few pages back but I asked a friend to order the Lundy book and I paid her in cash when I collected it. I then hid it in my sock draw or took it to work/gym/shopping with me so that FW wouldn't find it.

notso FWittery becomes a lot more obvious once you have had children. I also don't think FW means to be EA but it is like he is hardwired to be like it. My FW started counselling (anything to get me to take him back) but as soon as he realised that I wasn't going to he stopped going and said he was "fixed" and actually he hadn't needed it anyway. My boss and work colleagues would beg to differ though after he spent all of Wednesday last week ringing and texting me constantly while I was working.

FWittery this week... FW is wanting more overnight stays with DD. At the moment he has DD Tues, Thurs, and alternate Saturday nights. I have suggested an alternate Friday night so 3 nights a week.... Refused. I have also suggested every Saturday night and I have every Sunday....Refused. He wants ...every Monday night. I have Mondays off of work so it makes no sense that I take DD to his house at 6pm (when he gets home from work) especially as she goes to sleep at 7.15pm and he has to leave for work at 7.30am. He is trying to say that we are doing 50:50 shared care as his mum is our childcare and by having 50:50 he does not need to pay maintenance and by not having our DD on a Friday etc he can control my social life or lack of. His reasons for not having DD on a Friday is that he finishes late on Fridays, but he has to bring DD back to me on the Friday evening. If he finishes that late sure that shows that he cannot manage 50:50 shared care!!

He has also informed me that we need to cover DD school holidays. I agreed and said that I was taking her to a wedding for a week in August. So he has booked the same week off and is going camping with his brother and then going on a lads weekend 2 weeks later!!!!! FW FW FW.

[ColinCaterpillar]

FW turned up at my work today when I was ignoring his abusive texts and calls. Genuinely confused, he's with someone else and apparently this is 'real' love and they are moving in together, yet he's turned up at my work.

[foolonthehill]

shellybear.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/what-couplesfamily-therapy-does-for-an-abuser-by-lundy-bancroft/

maybe send her this link, if you think it would be useful??

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

"We can get on" is not necessarily the only qualification for a successful marriage, eh? Not for most people, anyway.

Yy to sadness about family times. FW is being more helpful than normal with the dcs, and it's so good for them to have a bit more individual attention than I alone can manage.

I'm drafting an email to FW's sister who thinks we should have joint counselling. When I said Relate won't do counselling if they suspect abuse, her reply was, "Well, surely someone will!" Methinks she misses the point... Not sure if I should talk further with her or whether it'll just get reported on to FW and ultimately make my life harder.

[LaSingeEstSurLaBranche]

Charlotte, mine told me yesterday that I left because his wages went down after he stopped getting on-call payments and I'm just like his first wife.
Then went onto say he knew he shouldn't have taken his stress out on me. Nothing like a sincere apology or a plan to change.
So I know I've done the right thing. Although I feel so sad as at times we still do family-type things together and it's so nice.
He asked me to go back as we've 'proven we can get on', but as I said that's because I'm not there acting like his emotional punchbag anymore.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Mine is unintentionally abusive, I'd say - it's just him. I got a long email from him today and felt a bit sorry for him, while thinking of what ?AF says about thinking of us like dogs (you care for it, want the best for it, but in the end it's just a dog, it doesn't sit up at the table with you etc). You can see FW thinking, "I always thought I knew what to do with my dog wife before, but suddenly she's not behaving the way she should. Wish she'd do as she's told."

He's quite pathetic, really. So blown over by my unexpected announcement (so it came two months after the last one and lots of long conversations about longstanding problems, so what? he thought we were really happy now), he's been asking, "Did I stay in bed too long on Saturday? Is that it? Did I say something critical?" Like I would end a marriage for that! Is he really so thick??