Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin


Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!




Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[currentlyconfuseddotcom]

But what about your needs? Start putting them first, he will never meet them.

I honestly thought I couldn't cope without my OH as we'd been together for a decade, but it's been easier than I thought. My main goal now is to become independent and I regret losing my independence when we were together. Sorry this might sound a bit bleak but I read a fiction book recently and one of the characters commented something along the lines of we all leave each other in the end, outgrow each other, change, or die. I found that oddly reassuring.

I hope that you can set yourself goals independently of him and enjoy things

[ColinCaterpillar]

I know. My big life goal was to have a child and while I was with him, I lost sight of that - I was exhausted, didnt want to subject another person to him and it was a full time job looking after him. I keep reminding myself how I was never going to have a family as long as we were together. I've lost sight so much of that I'm not even sure I want any now. He's changed me so much.

Also never made me tea. Brew is very important to me. So I should remember that.

[currentlyconfuseddotcom]

Snap, I did want to have children but felt like I couldn't with him!

It's a fresh start for you, that's an order :)

[bountyicecream]

Hi all. Just checking in. This thread is going to be my coming of age. It is the one where I'm going to tell h that it is gameover, I'm onto him and I'm leaving. I'm sure there'll be wobbles and tears but this is my time. :)

[ColinCaterpillar]

We're with you bounty

[minkembra]

yay bounty [tea] and kitchen utensils at the ready.

fw access visit went off ok although the kids came back with various complaints.

[currentlyconfuseddotcom]

Another yay bounty :)

[ColinCaterpillar]

Your poor kids mink

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

Just checking in. Back from a wedding where I was solo with the dc for the first time at a big function. It was pure evil. DS couldn't keep quiet in the ceremony, so had to move. Missed the speeches for the same reason. I couldn't relax at all. At this sort of occasion FW and I would have done stints each so the other one could relax. 3 other couples at my table, then me and the dc. Felt quite close to tears actually.

[ColinCaterpillar]

Hugs matchsticks - but no fuckwittery to contend with at least

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Ah match, big events like weddings are very hard when you have just emerged from a damaging r/s and are fragile and slowly piecing yourself together, along with dcs. It'll be a lot better the next time. Feet up and and be glad it's over and done with. I am always tempted at weddings to leap and cry (when vicar says, any objection) Noooooo, don't do it [not bitter at all emoticon]

[butterflymeadow]

match, agree with bounty, that first post-split wedding with dc is going to be hard, but you have done it. Seriously, well done. Weddings can be hard at the best of times.

[butterflymeadow]

Also bounty am going to buy a coloured whisk, so I can have it at the ready! Here to support you.
mink sorry to hear that, you want to know all is well when they are away. If they are not serious complaints, it might be a case of looking at it as a work in progress - can you talk to him about the issues?

[minkembra]

match ((hugs))

my thought for the day. fw to a tee.
criticises in others his own worst faults and suspects others of the things he knows himself to be capable of.

Colin i think dd1 was being a drama llama. she does that. but it would have Bernard nice if he had noticed they were hungry. will send snack with them next time but i shouldn't have to. he should be perfectly capable of meeting their needs.

[Dillie]

Evening ladies.

currently I am nearly out. Cleaning and sprucing the new house up over the weekend and officially move on Tuesday. Only moving a very short distance so can easily be in between houses.

I have been with my fw for 14 years and have a dd of 7. It was a mixture of her and not thinking I could cope on my own that kept me trying for the last 5 years or so. The separation is of my doing.

At the moment I feel OK. I am expecting a crash once I am in and my parents leave to go back home 160 miles away. I do have some very good friends, so counting my lucky stars.

bounty good on you girl! Holding your hand all the way.

Been reading back, and Colin you are sounding so much more positive! Stick with it :)

I hope you are all well and fw free

Thanks for the new thread too. You ladies are a life saver!

[betterthanever]

Thanks Fool and thanks for the info on that book, I wasn't sure if anyone had read the other one.
Hi Currently I have been out 8 years and my FW just turned back up again wanting his DS and dragging me through court on his legal aid! it is still hard for me not to react badly, esp as this is now about protecting a happy, secure, little person and his life appears to have not gone very well. I am better at not reacting badly and I will get better still, esp with all the wonderful advice I get on here.

[bountyicecream]

Mink - was that naughty Bernard sneaking in with a name check for himself

Dillie - good luck with the move. I second this thread being a total lifesaver. I couldn't have come this far without it

one third of the way through the dreaded bank holiday. Have got the silent treatment tonight as I dared to ignore fw and picked up dd off the floor when she was crying after she fell. Apparently I'm just making her clingy on purpose

[betterthanever]

bounty good luck.
butterfly I was left with very bad anxiety, strangely his retuned stired it up badly but I seem to be getting rid of it much quicker this time.
matchsticks it's just rubbish when that happens but when it all goes right you will feel liberated and it will go right many, many time at events. Hope you are feeling much better now you are home and the DC in bed?

[ColinCaterpillar]

Just woke up all breathless and feel sad. Dreamed he texted his standard 'get here NOW' and that I jumped in a cab running away from him. Then I dreamed I was having a drink with him. Then I dreamed I had an 'I love you xxxx' text. I really miss him right now. Can't believe how he can just switch off, yet I can't despite how badly he has treat me.

[minkembra]

Colin there was a link on another thread that I think applies to your situation. It was about spousal abandonment. I will see if I can find it.

Even in your dream he is messing you about though.

[minkembra]

Colin here it is. although it is a bit different in your case as he was an abusive cocklodger parasite, this might give you some insight into why it hurts so much and how he can be so cold.

i think part if the reason you are feeling so cut up is that you gave him far more than would be expected of you in a normal r/s. and it still wasn't enough. and so you have very conflicted emotions about it. part angry that he put you in that position and it still wasn't enough part of you telling yourself that the only possible reason you would have let it get to that extreme is that you must have loved him desperately.

i still play over in my head every day with the benefit of hindsight i can see the signs as clear as day and i keep asking myself why did i walk into that? why? the only explanations i have come up with so far are I thought i loved him, (looking back i don't think i ever really or not for long did because of the dissonance), i was going through a self destructive phase and because as i said upthread i look for the good in people so i just could not believe he was being deliberately cruel and finally the anger that confused was talking about. the confusion and maddening nature of the way he handled arguments made me angry. and the anger made me think it must be my fault. if i would stop losing my temper then we would sort things out. only just realised my anger was trying to tell me it was wrong and to get out.

i keep thinking back to a book on conflict resolution i bought early on. thinking i can sort out this bad dynamic and everything will be fine. but nothing suggested in the book seemed quite to apply/work. although there was a bit about confusing wants with need which chimed.

if only there had been a bit of identifying abuse and how there is f all point trying to resolve a conflict with someone for whom the whole point of the transaction is the conflict.

fw used to tell me this is what it was like with his ex. that is why i left her for ow. 14 yrs if misery with her arguments and you are just the same. i never used to argue before i met her and i was so glad when i left and the arguing finally stopped . my life has been so calm since until i met you.

it is all wrapped up in there. the threat, (i will be forced to leave you for ow) the blame, the poor me i am the victim.
but part of me kept saying but you argue with everyone. i don't argue with anyone but you. but he would say it is because you wind me up that i argue with other people. and he also used to say why are you taking your temper out on me go and shout at your friends if you want to shout. but why would i shout at them they hadn't done anything? realise now it was all just tactics designed to divert my attention from what was really going on.

sorry for the essay just had a moment of clarity.

[ColinCaterpillar]

Thank you mink that's really helpful.

While you were writing that I was just adding some of his threats wrt his ex to my shitlist. 'you are just like/you are worse than....' (who I left and I will leave you too). Whenever I told him I was worried he would leave, he said he wasn't feeding my insecurities, it wasn't his job to placate me. He was the bloody root of it!

Also remembering that I'm very easygoing and not generally decisive. He would go ape making me decide on where to eat, I would struggle and choose somewhere and he'd just go, 'NO' and act like I'd suggested something horrible.


Aaaargh.

Good luck with the bank hol bounty

[betterthanever]

colin my dreams are also dominated by FW at the moment and it is driving me mad. I feel like I can't even get a break from him in my sleep. As with you, and as mink said he is messing me about in mine. I stay calmer in my dreams though than I feel in RL.
Mink you put that well about when you have given more than you should it some how does feel worse. You can't believe that despite everything you were willing to do they will not change and continue abuse. Years later I do see clearer now that, that will always be the case but it also scares me as this is how he will always be and if he comes back into my life via DS, I will always have `it' in my life.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Colin for me, pain and love were easily confused. I felt pain, therefore I must love him, right? Wrong.

Interesting about making you decide where to eat. What happened after he'd dissed your suggestion? did he decide? was it more expensive? who paid?

[MrsMorton]

I'm finding this really a lot harder than I expected. I walked out on Thursday, first night back at home last night and it's taking all of my strength to stay away tonight. This is hard.