Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
what couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
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Relationships
Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21
foolonthehill · 04/05/2013 11:49
Ugh just need to vent this morning, and FW has been up to his usual FWittery. On the positive side it's making me realise again that this is why I consider leaving. So onto the rant, our DD woke up a bit early this morning, she's ill and also had a bad dream I think. Anyway I went a got her, calmed her down and brought her into our bed. Well cue FW moaning and complaining he can't sleep and that he's got work in the morning. It's always all about him, how things effect him... it's sapping the life out of me, I have no real freedom, he has to now everything and everything revolves around him. All I do is worry about what he'll say, how I'll explain X, Y and Z. When I have any news I dread telling him, even if it's positive as I know he'll manage to bring me down 
I feel like I am a single mum anyway, but just with him to deal with and pacify on top.
Hi not sure if I should be here. Been reading through some of the posts and some things I can relate to but a lot of stuff I can't. Things with me and DP have gone from great to terrible since we had DD 7m ago. His mother console him and interfers to no end and because I do things different I'm a bad mother and all the rest. DP will do anything to please her. W argue a lot but I can't say anything, whenever I try and put my side across all I get is how I'm twisting everything so he's the bad guy and manipulating the truth, I can't take responsibility for being wrong and just apologise I have to put it on him 
but he's never in the wrong just me.hes moods are terrible and constant but I'm not allowed to be moody otherwise I'm giving him a shit home life. He can do things that's not acceptable for me to do and if he's does something wrong and I'm moody he expects a text saying "I love you" to solve everything and when it doesn't its me causing the arguments then. He constantly puts me down about doing housework a particular way and however it's done isn't to a high enough standard. My house is 90% of the time tidy and its not dirty but its not enough. I've tried to change for him and I have to a point but I can't change no more. I don't know really why I'm posting this,
Alice - I got my Lundy copy delivered to my mum's house. But I didn't tell her what it was, just said I hadn't wanted FW to see it as it was about anger management (she knew I was upset at his shouting etc).
Fi - how you doing today?
Breathe - I've had periods when i've just crashed - you can only keep going for so long. Hope you feel better today.
betterthannever - that's quite a strong reaction to the book from DS, do you know what's behind that? It sounds like he's afraid, almost. If he reacted like that with the nominated person, then at least it's not just you saying that he feels like that and not being believed. I really hope the judge sees through your FW.
TCM am nodding also... poor DD, and poor you.
Charlotte 
Have a bacon butty, go on!!!! I bet he's eating in secret anyway. Love your message via Queen. Play that at top volume to him while eating a big slice of cake!
Notsonervous - are you ok, doesn't see like you finished your post? Take time to read the links in the OP, it does sound like your partner is being very difficult and manipulative. If you are unhappy, you don't have to stay. There can be a better life for you.
Thank you ladies 
you make me teary being kind. I will read through the links again. I'm worried I'm looking to much into things but things have been getting slowly and slowly worse. I don't think he means to EA though, could this just be something that will settle down? I don't know. There has been a lot of other stuff to but some of it I think is just normal
I keep thinking that H can't possibly mean to EA, but then again, he's not trying very hard NOT to IYSWIM. We all have days where we are feeling grouchy but that doesn't mean you take it out on everyone else.
And the number of times I hear "so what you're saying is...." followed by a completely twisted and practically unrecognisable statement that is absolutely not what I've said.
I did notice last night I got a text from a friend (about meeting for coffee soon) and H sat and watched me for a few minutes. Then finally said "do you mind if I ask who that was?" And I said "does it matter? It's not important." He waited a few more minutes and said "well, I just want to know in case it affects me or something, you know." So I said "no, it doesn't affect you." And didn't say anything else. You could tell it was eating at him for ages. He was not happy. How did we reach this point? I've never seen him check my phone and tbh I don't actually think he would, but I could tell this was really making him frustrated.
I've asked him before when he got a text (while we were talking or doing something) "is it anything urgent?" so that if he has to answer it right away, I'll obviously wait for him to do so. But who it's from and what it's about? Not really fussed. It's not the school regarding the children and they don't text, they ring - and they ring me. It's not MIL ill or something, as she doesn't text. So I really don't care who it is.
Notsonervous - I completely understand. When you write it down and read it back it becomes real. When we are in we don't see it as abuse. My husband is moody, sulky, controlling, etc etc. he throws things, swears, and nothing is good enough.
We are here to support each other. And although its horrible that others are going through the same shit as we are it's also comforting that it isn't in our heads.
Tonight my husband is ranting and raving. Mainly about the fact our 18 year old son has been out shopping today instead of collecting his car from the garage. So we collected the car and the whole way there h is swearing and saying how everyone takes the piss out if him. Used the c word.
I replied 'don't you get fed up of sulking and complaining'
His reply. It's ok for you. You take the fucking piss 2. I'm working my bollocks off blah blah blah.
He has now gone out and rang to apologise. So that's ok then!! 
Just wanted to add that I too don't think H is intentionally EA to me, but there are times when I have to wonder why he's done/said something. There have been times when it has felt like he has been deliberately toying with me and been trying to wind me up. When I do finally snap he will sit there with a grin on his face, like he's achieved what he wanted.
Tonight he has come home and tried to tell me I will be playing Game X on the computer tonight. I said no, as I have to revise for my exam, and suddenly I'm being in a mood with him, and he was only trying to be nice etc etc. He misses me, wants to spend time with me, and it's all about him, not what I need. Oh and how he was this morning is of course completely forgotten. No apology, no mention of it, nothing. Yet if I brought it up I'd then get 'your still in a mood about that?'.
I'm also so sick of him doing nothing to help me out. He's 30, and acts like a child. We went round his parents a while ago and he was told to serve his own desert (rare round there, they baby him), and he was asking his mum how to do it, he'd never done it before etc. I know it sounds petty, but he's worse than that at home. I want to be with an equal, not someone how acts like a giant child.
I am always battling with myself though, thinking that it may all be in my mind, and that maybe it's not as bad as I feel and that I should just put up with it
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