Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Thank you, you are right. I will keep that in mind

Handholding for montessorisam

I'm reading 'psychopath free - recovering from emotionally abusive relationships' - will let you know how it is. It was v cheap on Amazon

pony I've had the 'they're taking you for a ride' comments over and over again about work. These days I just think 'No dear FW you're the only one around here taking me for a ride'

mont agree with Pony that he's going for the reaction. Try to appear calm. I too get a major wobble and self doubt at every new step. This is just one more step towards freedom. Yes it's scary but also worthwhile. You can cope with 3 children and a job. Do you have family or friends for help? Stay strong. ((((((hugs))))))

Yes I am trying to stay calm. He just took the kids off for a walk and told them that he is leaving. Don't know what was said. Guess I'll have to deal with their emotional fallout too. Husband is super angry to the point that I am a nervous wreck. I know this is for the best. Good advice there colin - without him I will be currently miserable. With him I will be miserable forever! I'll have to remember that. Thanks allx

Is he leaving right now then? If not, and he is angry, please keep your phone with you at all times. I know that sounds drastic, but if he makes you scared in any way at all, that's basically assault and you should call the police.

You can do this. More than you realise.

I am scared. I think he will be going this week. Not sure. I hate this intimidation. I hate feeling scared to move. I am in bed with laptop ready to hide it at any moment. Bountyicecream - lots of friends but no family. Just have to stay strong. I can do this. i MUST do it!

pony, butter, bounty and fi thank you very much for your supportive words. I has another hellish night the night before last (waking at 4am, having horrible flashbacks of me as a little girl crouched in the corner of my room cowering while my dad screamed at me, went away and then roared back and screamed some more, with me begging him not to hurt me?. I think that?s the basis of my panic attacks.

Strangely, my dad later did become a caring and loving dad, albeit somewhat odd and we had a good relationship before he died. I think part of him was very honest (he could apologise for instance) and he recognised he?d made me suffer and tried to be there for me in a very absent sort of way. But when I was a gangly little thing, youngest of the family and my dm?s confidant, I think all his bitterness was channelled onto me. It only ended when I finally gathered the courage to threaten to call the police on him (I was eight! Hard lesson to learn at that age, alone?) and then it never happened again. And I think my r/s with fw is a grown up duplication of that because I have still not solved it IYSWIM. However, after my nasty night of misery, I did feel better, as though I?d addressed it/ taken care of it. Last night I had a good night?s sleep apart from mozzy bites

Butter I think car trips/holidays are a very timely reminder for us because it seemed to concentrate the fwittery. And doing it without them is SO much nicer and easier that there?s no way we could get back in that claustrophobic box. The nightmare will be over one day, it partly is now, never fear, you will have a better future because of your efforts now

Colin my fw also used my deepest confidences against me constantly to the point where I was always so careful what I said ? some ?partner? eh?

Leclerc hello and so glad you had a therapeutic session. That makes sense ? the person we fabricate being a part of us, even if we don?t believe it yet. Your possible career choice sounds inspiring and I think you?d be fantastic at it!

Hi Montessori and welcome. I agree with our lovely mink that your confusion and disbelief and your OH?s projection onto you is entirely part and parcel of the cycle of abuse. It?s different for everyone but the same IYSWIM, hence the familiarity.

fi sorry to hear about tensions and difficulties with your dd following fw fwittery and head games . I am sure that this will slowly get better but it must be so hard living through it and I just know I will be experiencing similar once we have entirely separate lives.

ooh xpost montessori best of luck and hand holding all the way from here. Stay safe.

Colin as others have said, the route you're on will eventually lead to happiness and a new life. The route with him would have led to increasingly dark places and increasing despair.

breathe I just want to hug the childhood you. You've obviously experience things that no child should have to :( I'm sure it will get better with time.

mont You MUST do this but you CAN do it. And you'll do it well. If he's really out of the house next week then just think how much more breathing space that'll give you. As hard as it is I would try to not engage with him or rise to any of his bait. And lean on your RL friends too. Don't be afraid to ask for support. Good friends will be there for you.

Montessori - be safe. If he's not leaving right now, you can be sure he plans to grind you down some more/show you up as unhinged in some way over the next few days. Even him 'taking the kids out for a walk' to tell them smacks of him controlling the situation, since you don't know what he's told them, how he's put the situation across.
Get prepared. Make a lawyer appointment. Call 101/WA for advice and support. Get ready with claiming any extra benefits etc so they can kick in asap with some financial help. Keep posting for help when you need it (and even if you don't).

Breathe, lovely to 'see' you!
That sounds really scary and awful about your flashbacks. How awful that you had to threaten to call the police on your own dad at 8 years old. Hugs for you, lovely. Is there anyone you can speak to about how your are feeling? hope you are right in that you have had some kind of closure through reliving them though.

Breathe - you sound like you have had a really long hard road. I'm sorry to hear it but you sound like you have learnt a lot about yourself too. Such strength is amazing! Thank you for your kind words of support.
Intrigued about the idea of OH's projection onto me. I have always been confused by this. When I think about how he is being emotionally abusive that he somehow projects that very idea, turns it around and he says that I am the abusive one. How the hell does that happen!? Don't think I could do that if I tried!

bounty and pony thank you so much for your support Oh and cheers, pony!

I can speak to my counsellor but was hoping to keep my time with her as my exit help rather than going too deep at this stage when I need to be strong and finish the fw r/s finally.

I can understand you wanting to do that Breathe, but this is important to you too. Maybe ask her advice, give her a brief outline and tell her what you want to achieve with the sessions re exit help but that this is happening too?

Pony - I hadn't thought of that! Of course it is a control thing! I have no idea what shite he has told them do I? Only that my 8 year old went straight to bed upset and I couldn't talk to him because he just snuggled under the covers away from me. What a bastard OH is!

and Montessori - he took them out at bedtime. That's a cruel thing to do, it could have waited. But that was deliberately engineered to a) cause them (and thereby you) the most upset, and b) to upset you immediately because 'see what you've made him have to do now? This is all your fault.' Not to mention c) have the the opportunity to spin all sorts of yarns to the kids about you. And probably other reasons besides these. In any event, it was all about him keeping the upper hand, and not caring that he was stooping so low as to use his kids to do it. Very, very abusive. Please, stay safe. Can you ask that he leaves tomorrow, or go stay with a friend until he's gone?

Oh, and i wouldn't be at all surprised if this place never materialises. He is being vague about going, it could just be another bluff to bully you. Insist on a firm move-out date, or I can almost guarantee he wont actually ever go!

thats amazing Fly that you threatened to cal lthe police on him... Its the one thing that I promised myself I would do on my FW father, but I only got to that place as an adult! and still not actually said it to him

Montessori I agree with pony this sounds like a possible bluff. I hope it isn't and of course you will manage just fine w/o him because right now you're doing all theSP stuff effectively, plus having to pander to an fw with the maturity of a toddler.

Pony yes I will speak to counsellor - or try to - when she tentatively asked me about my teens I found to my surprise I couldn't get any coherent words out and went bright red and couldn't cope! Usually I put on a very capable act and manage to speak about stuff - I slipped straight back to childhood!

Thank you fi we all cope with the different extremes we're subjected to in different ways. It took me half a life time to call fw to account

Aw Fi. hugs to you too that some of us have been so let down by those who were meant to protect us.

Breathe that's so strange how you couldn't speak about it - it's amazing how these incidents and feelings have such power to transport us, isn't it. I still feel very much like I am a teenager - the act I put on is that of being an adult full stop!

Hi All and hello to any new faces waves

Well, we had a family day today which was ok. Nsdh regularly makes plans with us that he doesn't keep which result in myself and ds sitting around for hours. He tried to do it today but when he didn't come back at the right time I just took myself and ds out to enjoy the sun. When nsdh did turn up he was very nice and the rest of the day wasn't too bad. (in the context of him being fine whilst we were out but an arse as soon as we got back by buggering off, leaving me to unpack shopping, get ds ready for bed, pack bags and lunches for tomorrow, etc, etc, all the usual minor irritations).

yy to the issues around work. I was just completing my accounts for freelancing and I had a month of being very busy and then it tailed down to one regular client and that was because nsdh made increasing demands on my time so I couldn't fit any more freelance work in. Seeing the figures in black and white really brought it home to me.

Also yy to not being able to trust them with confidences. nsdh regularly used to use my own comments against me and twist them to give other people the wrong impression of me too. I very rarely confide in him now.

montessori here's hoping he leaves as quickly as possible and tries to leave the children with a good impression so doesn't enter into too much FWittery. pony has given you some great advice about getting prepared.

tis lovely to see you here ( raises a welcoming glass ) and I could definitely see you on the other side of the table.

((hugs)) to everyone and I hope you all have sleep-full nights with only pleasant dreams

pony me too ha ha! I still feel like a muddled teen tbh! Maybe a bit wiser in terms of being wised up to fwittery, always a good lesson in life which they should teach at school, far more valuable than half the stuff we did!

xpost tether and hello

Hey tether - glad your day was ok (ish!), and that you got out anyway despite NSDH's usual routine. Do you think him buggering off and leaving you to do all that stuff when you got back was a kind of deliberate thing, to make up for the fact that he couldn't bugger your day up because you didn't let him, so he would knacker you out instead? I know it sounds far-fetched that there could be that much conscious thinking about it, but I believe on some lever there could have been, if he was slightly annoyed that you weren't as inconvenienced as normal when he faffs about.

Breathe, I think we are all definitely wiser/wised up. I find myself recognising things in other people's situations that I recognise, not just from my own situation but from all that we've learnt about FWs and their stoopid crappy unbelievable behaviour. They should definitely be teaching this in schools, along with financial nous a la Martin Lewis! All very valuable life lessons.

Anyhoo, I really am off to bed (I am like a broken record ) - second Fast Day on the 5:2 diet, all went fine but am knackered and looking forward to getting up and eating tomorrow! nom nom nom nom

Hope the sun is still shining tomorrow - day 2 of DS2's nursery induction, fingers crossed for fewer tears from me. Good night all.

oops sorry (and I did wrong - duh )

breathe you were so brave to threaten to call the police on your dad (although very sad that you had to).

You know it's funny, I had a very difficult relationship with df and I sometimes wonder if it's why nsdh is emotionally abusive rather than violent because he knows my experiences with df mean I would be much quicker to leave if he was violent (since it was the one thing I promised myself when I was a child - that I wouldn't be with someone who hit me again.)