Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
what couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
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Relationships
Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21
foolonthehill · 04/05/2013 11:49
Morning all. Hey Fi, how are you? Hope you are doing ok and have survived the weekend.
Colin, you are doing well. You are getting through it. I think you are probably pretty close with your analysis of what could have happened if things got more serious with your ex. It would never have been good (for you), although he would have had a whale of a time at your expense - both metaphorically and actually.
Maybe try and think of some nice things to do to distract yourself?
Sun is shining here, and I plan to get out of the house with DS2 soon and go somewhere to enjoy it for a couple of hours. Second 'fast' day today (after my, ahem, food-fest last night 
), got a nice hearty soup planned for lunch and a healthy ready meal for dinner that I'll bulk up with lots of salad and veg. Sounds ok for less than 500 calories all in, and very doable, and then tomorrow I can go back to normal eating. I find the 'conscious' eating really does help, I didn't do that last night, hence it all went a bit pear-shaped large chocolate Thorntons bunny shaped.
Hope it's sunny where you are, have a good day everyone.
Hey all, sun is shining here too.
I'm doing a DV recovery toolkit programme at the moment on Tues ams, and I thought I'd share something with you that I learned today. The programme is designed as a follow up to the Freedom Programme, and is to help you to deprogramme yourself after years of conditioning by your abuser. Today's session was about self-esteem. Many of you will know that I often feel uncomfortable in groups like that as I don't fit the 'stereotype' of an abused woman, but today was wonderful. We talked about strengths and weaknesses and began to identify each others strengths. I said how I felt that I was not strong, that I paint on my front each morning and pretend. As someone very wise said to me recently, 'fake it til you make it' and it appears to be true - many of the others said how I appeared so strong in the group, that I seemed so confident and sorted, how much sense I make and how much I help them. It is a million miles away from how I feel, and was desperately uncomfortable to hear (as a lifelong compliment refuser) but it seems that projection is working for the good in this case.
It got me thinking a bit about all the other negatives we'd been discussing and I started to wonder this afternoon which other ones I might be presenting a vastly different impression from the one which I felt was true. It turns out there are quite a few. And then I was wondering whether the impression I present is closer to the truth than my own perception of myself. I have a long way to go before I will believe that constructed front and yet..... and yet it seems a little more acceptable then before. Maybe one day!
It has also got me thinking that maybe this is an area I would like to work in. I know that one day I will have to pull my finger out and start earning a sensible wage (rather than teaching in the evenings) but I had always assumed I would go into school teaching - which is what I had started my degree with the intention of doing. I don't know, maybe it is just the recently converted evangelism in me speaking, but I really feel like I would like to be on the other side of the table. Not soon - I know that I need to sort myself out before I can even think of helping anyone else, but maybe one day it is something I would like to do. We'll see. It's another thing to add to the pot boiling away in the back of my head!
To all in need, big (((hugs))) and sunshine 
Montessori do you know i think that is the most common question that people post when they first arrive on this thread.
yes it is normal to get angry when someone is abusing you. and trying to up the frustrating conflict techniques until you lose it is all par for the course as is accusing you abuse.
i think i can speak for myself and several others here who have been in exactly the same position.
very sorry you find yourself here. but welcome 
and keep posting.
sorry for such a fleeting post but
woman's hour today
www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/whnews
financial abuse
very glad your suns are shining - metaphorically and actually both Pony and Tis (great to see you too ).
Disney Dad teasing has caused some understandable crossness on DDs part, but at me swiftly followed by blaming me for not seeing her abusive father... again Threw me completely, and went to bed utterly dejected by the whole farsical bollox and croc of shite.
Had more reasonable words today, and again she doesn't wanna talk cos it ends in 'bad' , but it didn't end in bad today, but I did have to tell her that even the police couldn't get an agreement to see her out of him (the a hole). Why does this stuff just go on and on!
Colin your reboot seems to be going a lot better at the mo! . what a stooopid arse question 'What are you doing there?' what?! I guess it kinda sets the scene very well for us as to how that convo was gonna go. You are good at detailing the reasons you are better out of it, keep going with that, there'll be loads more 
.
Going back toyour point on specialising in supporting others Tis what better specialist and expert, than us that have been through it... that course your've started sounds really good. It sounds a lot like another I've heard of thats highly rated, repatterning, maybe its the same thing different name, but glad its helping so much anyhow. I live by the supposition of fake it til make it! and have helped loads of others through that too. Tis very powerful tool indeed.
xxx
yay Tis. - in the film she/the character says
Watch your thoughts for they become words.
Watch your words for they become actions.
Watch your actions for they become... habits.
Watch your habits, for they become your character.
And watch your character, for it becomes your destiny!
What we think we become.
- i think it works both ways- if you spend enough time pretending to be strong, being strong becomes a habit and soon you are strong.
and fwiw Tis I think you are wonderful
and I think you would be brilliant if you decided to sit at the other side of the table formally.
yy to trying so many different things to make it stop/better/go away. constant outrage and confusion.
woman's hour bit was short but good. at least they were drawing attention to it.
that'snot the time sheet thing really rings bells with me. My FW just loves listening to me on the phone doing work related things. I then get a full on 'constructive criticism' as he tells me everything I did wrong and how to do it better despite the fact that he has zero experience or knowledge in what I do! I feel like screaming your not my boss and infact my boss is more than happy with what I do. But I don't bother because I know it won't make a difference
mont I agree that working makes such a difference in terms of feeling some independance and also having adult relationships at work that he can do nothing about it much as he tries
colin and 2013 you both sound really strong and committed to escaping. I think the stopping smoking analogy is perfect
leclerc lovely to see you again. And I second what others say about you being in a perfect position to support other people. And you give fab advice here. I know what you mean about giving back. Something on my mind is that I think I will run the London marathon to raise money for WA one day when I'm sorted. They do such fantastic stuff and are such a help I also feel like I need to give something back.
Anyone watching The Apprentice. I think this may just be FW school. The men and women are actually giving me the shivers with all their 'noone dare cross me', 'I'm not afraid to cheat or dominate' and 'I'll manipulate people to get what I want' bravado. 
ooh apologies thatsnotmyname for basically shortening you to 'bogey ' It didnt read like that in my mind :)
Evening all.
Colin - that's no Sophie's choice. One option is unrelentingly miserable with no hope of redemption. The other option does have redemption hope. If you are with him, it'll be miserable and that will never, ever be any different. Without him you are currently miserable, but you will start to see some daylight soon, I promise.
that'snotmyname - yep, had the work interrogation too. I work from home, FW would tell me how I was being taken for a ride by my clients, how I should be doing this, that, the other, how I should be charging way more than I was (I was about right for the industry). Then he demanded to see my invoices and how long I was spending on each job, and to have my business account as part of the joint account we were about to open (newly married). I refused, so he refused to open a joint account at all. Cue me paying about 70% of the household bills from my meagre self-employed salary, as 'punishment' (never expressed that way, but surely justified like this in his head).
Montessorisam - I agree, the anger that you shut away down inside yourself while you are being EA can become toxic and bubbles up. I acted like a mad woman sometimes, it was sheer frustration and anger. I was always apologetic afterwards and tried to make sure it didn't happen again. He never did.
2013go - yes, I am out. In fact, next Friday it will be one year exactly. Not sure how I feel about that at all.
And Leclerc, I got a lovely little jump inside when I saw your name. So nice to hear from you, and such a good post. I hope you are starting to believe a little, you are an amazing woman. I struggle with the 'strong' label too, but I have changed it in my head to 'resilient, resourceful and determined'. I can accept those labels a little easier. I also think you would shine being on the other side of the table. It's a positive thought to give yourself, something to aim for. Sending you and your DCs much love.
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