Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
what couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
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Relationships
Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21
foolonthehill · 04/05/2013 11:49
Thanks all, you is all fab. 
I feel a bit better for having vented all that.
Winnie - yy, I also thought I knew what was important to me, and I stood for as well. I'm not sure that I necessarily didn't, more that it all got bulldozed in the wake of FW's advance. And yy to FW making comments that I can't take at face value because I can't believe, as someone I believe to be rational/normal or so I thought he can actually believe what he's saying.
Colin, you're doing really well. It's one day at a time. You will inevitably have bad days, don't fear them but expect them and plan for them - what will you do to stop yourself thinking about him, how will you distract yourself, what will you do to make yourself feel a bit better? (Don't just eat, eat, eat, like I have been doing!!!!!)
butterfly - I do like your idea of doing something for yourself every day, even just for half an hour.
breathe - I found the 5:2 threads quite an addictive read! But there's lots of good info on them, and thoughts about how to approach it. When I had my first fast day on Friday, I didn't quite manage the 500 calories, but I did do about 650, so I thought that wasn't too bad! Going to do another either tomorrow or Tuesday (it's been a heavy weekend of eating because of a friend's birthday 
). The thing I've held onto over the weekend is the thought of trying to eat 'consciously', and that if I am hungry, I wont actually die of it, being hungry isn't something to be afraid of, I don't need to stuff food in me in a panic at the first pangs! I am a terrible one for mindlessly shovelling it in, not even noticing what I'm eating, just needing to be eating something.
Sounds like a plan! I found some nice beans recently - adzuki - tried them at all? Quite nutty and not flabby like some beans (and me ha ha )
Jaffa cakes - I always say they're VERY low in fat as I scoff them greedily 
Hello all, hope you are all out and about enjoying a bit of bank holiday sun. Hope the FWs are behaving themselves. not likely
Well, this morning was DS2's first induction at nursery. It was only an hour, and it seemed to go ok for him (no crying, wasn't clingy when I left, they said he'd been playing and laughing, etc). But it was hard to leave him. I wondered what on earth I was doing, leaving him in a room full of people he's never seen before, what he must be thinking, how he must be feeling. Now he's back and fine, although seems a little clingy to me (or could be me imagining that), and all I want to do is alternately cry, and then cancel the nursery placement!
Eating seems okish at the mo - last night, I had half a glass of wine (spritzer) then actually didn't want any more. Today I've had no breakfast, bit peckish come lunchtime, had a ham/cheese/tomato sandwich and have left half of it - unheard of!!!! I don't feel massively hungry, and I know that if I eat the other half I'll feel uncomfortably full. And I also managed to go round the supermarket without comfort-buying lots of rubbish (which, given how awful I feel about DS2 and nursery, really was an achievement). Go me!
I am overawed at your discipline Pony you will be reaping benefits
... was also thinking its so early to be with another guy... me, even now! AS theres so many things wrong with me [saysFW] that I have to overcome.
Hi all,
pony yay to the amazing self discipline, wish I could manage that! Re nursery - see how it goes for a couple of weeks, don't beat yourself up. Tell yourself you can end it at any time and to give it a whirl. By the time the couple of weeks are up, you'll know if it's right.
Bounty I know exactly how you feel - your secret dream house, where you put your hopes, even if you kind of knew you weren't ready for it - but when you are ready, the right house will be there for you.
Colin as butter said, not surprising you are wrung out - it's all very recent and it's been very absuive, don't forget that. Be kind to yourself.
2013go great name! Don't be ashamed or angry at yourself (easier said than done, I know) - that's what they do to us, but remember, it's not your fault. EA is NOT the victim's fault. The fws are drawn to kind, empathetic people who always try to see the best in others and always look for a solution. And well done for escaping.
I am up and down. Very down in the early hours when I wake up and torture myself (mentally!!). It's much harder then to "put the stick down" than during the day 
. Also keep having difficult childhood flashbacks. I guess it's all coming out in the wash, so to speak, which is good, but hard IYSWIM.
hey breathe - I can't imagine how hard it must be for you at the moment, with all the tension of knowing what's to come and him being in the house still (allbeit barricaded out hopefully ). Flashbacks sounds hard as well. If you don't want to share on here, hope you have someone/somewhere you can unburden yourself. You need to.
butterfly - everything you say rings true, even now when I am nearly a year out. I don't think either of us have let go of it all yet, have we. Hugs to you.
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