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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

994 replies

wavesandsmiles · 01/05/2013 11:50

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

OP posts:
themidwife · 10/07/2013 22:26

Shall we all go & stand outside his door & shout OUT OUT OUT until he pisses off?!!

Yes definitely a trainee twunt in the making there!! Angry

wavesandsmiles · 10/07/2013 22:31

I'm ok, in a bit of pain and feeling fed up. Tomorrow I wil take the bull by its horns and make sure I do everything possible to get him out by Friday whether or not that involves the police. I am mindful of the lack of lodgers rights and have also realised that since my twunt is actually co owner of this property, I can't unilaterally sign a contract in respect of it, so the agreement with my lodger is void in any case. I just want him gone. He's only just stopped ranting on again at L2, again in the room above me. I'm so tired of this. And so not ready for acrobat to arrive.

Thanks for all the support, again. I am now wondering whether I can even contemplate looking for a new lodger just now as I feel so battered by this experience.

OP posts:
MysteriousHamster · 10/07/2013 22:54

I'm sorry waves, I can't understand how any decent human being/lodger could behave towards a seriously ill, heavily pregnant woman like this. He has no decency.

Jux · 10/07/2013 23:15

Sadly, there are too many men around who seem to think the more vulnerable the woman, the better their chance at domination. Maybe waves chucking him out will teach him to think a little harder about his behaviour.

Waves, neither you, nor your children nor Acrobat need this, especially the ranting at night.

I hope you sleep well tonight. Hope Acrobat rests, and that you feel refreshed in the morning.

springytata · 11/07/2013 01:06

This makes my blood boil - i can't remember ever being this incensed by something I've read on MN Angry

So you were cowering in your bedroom because he specifically flouted your specific boundary re the kitchen? He did that on purpose. So relieved to hear you're talking of getting him out by Friday and getting the police onside. Try not to enter into any discussions with him, just repeat very short statements (eg 'please leave' 'Leave the kitchen now') or remain silent. (sorry to be prescriptive)

(btw I married a posh boy. Makes no difference imo. He turned out to be a hideous abuser.)

(oh! and you've twice used the word 'happy' about refunding him £. Please don't use the word 'happy'! Statements: 'I will refund your money'. Though I would suggest you take your time about it or don't pay him at all )

springytata · 11/07/2013 01:11

waves, I've had lodgers like this. They seem to want to make it clear that they have 'rights' - when the reality is they have barely any rights at all. Anything they do get is largely down to our goodwill.

Once he's gone he will be a distant memory. I promise you that you will forget him (I don't know how it works like that but it does).

ChasedByBees · 11/07/2013 03:43

Get the entitled jerk out before acrobat arrives - he'll ruin it for you.

Glad to hear you could have him out by Friday, he sounds obnoxious. Angry

AgathaF · 11/07/2013 07:23

What a complete nobber. I really hope you manage to shift him by Friday. Geez, the fucking cheek of some people.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 11/07/2013 07:54

out by Friday! That is the best news ever. Just do it. Get him out. We are all here to support you.

Dont use words like please or happy when dealing with him. State facts, no pleasantries with him! Angry

ooh Im so cross.

wavesandsmiles · 11/07/2013 08:57

I still can't believe that after all the effort i made to get twunt out, that I'm now under this stress. I've asked him to be gone by 10am Saturday as that is only 2 days time. And he works til 6 on Friday. Barely slept last night and no respite from BH contractions. He's flouting the kitchen rules again, so it's lucky that I put myself back to bed as soon as the DCs had gone off to school.

I didn't use please or any pleasantries in my text re him going. Just asked for his bank details so I can return deposit and balance of advance rent paid, and stressed that other than providing those details I want no further communication as It is harassment and I will be contacting the police immediately if he continues.

What a mess. I just seriously hope that he is actually gone on Saturday. I feel a bit awful and a bitch as it is hard to find places over here, and he will most likely end up paying double what he's been paying me, but really, I have to put me and acrobat and the DCs first. And it is not acceptable at all to treat the owner of a home like this, especially not one on the verge of having a baby. (Trying to convince myself here)

OP posts:
AgathaF · 11/07/2013 09:08

He should have thought of the consequences of his actions before he started acting up.

Don't worry yourself for him.

Ezio · 11/07/2013 09:14

Dont feel bad for him Waves, he had a nice little comfy home, with a nice family, he abused this, because he didnt get his own way, and if he pays double than he paid you, then maybe he'll learn to not be an evil little shit.

wavesandsmiles · 11/07/2013 09:20

Well I think I can assume that he is leaving Saturday morning. Result. Stupid twat tried quoting uk law at me. (A) I'm legally trained (and seriously considering attempting to see if I can get permission to complete the last 9 months so I'm fully qualified, out of time issues due to losing my dad and then having no childcare) (b) UK law does not apply here. (C) he has quoted from an assured short hold tenancy piece of advice. As a lodger he is not a tenant.

He said "feel free to go to the police, I've done nothing wrong so you will be wasting their valuable time"

I am not replying to him. I have his bank details and he had the cheek to say if I haven't transferred the money by 16 July he will seek legal advice! Jeez, I am the one that offered him the rebate and said it would be paid immediately. He's the one that's been late paying me every month.

Sorry for ranting.... I hope hope hope he really does leave and that I can relax a bit from Saturday afternoon onwards.

OP posts:
wavesandsmiles · 11/07/2013 09:21

And I don't feel bad for him after he sent that stupid email. I do feel sorry for his girlfriend though Sad

OP posts:
AgathaF · 11/07/2013 09:42

Did he say in the email he would be out on Saturday?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/07/2013 09:47

I'd have thought word would get round about this idiot eventually, may he have oodles of bother finding a new home - let's hope his gf recognises what a twat he is and escapes.

wavesandsmiles · 11/07/2013 10:00

No he didn't say he'd be out Saturday, but said he'd leave it clean and tidy and as it was etc. and the rent rebate calcs he did are based on him leaving on Saturday. I think maybe he left a sentence out? He is brand new to here, came over from the mainland.

Only 2 nights. I can get through this.

OP posts:
springytato · 11/07/2013 10:01

Fuck him the FUCKER Angry

I've been thinking about that thing where people pray for patience... then shit happens. I know, I know, I'm being blunt here. But maybe life is showing you it's time to learn about boundaries, waves . What he has done is flagrant abuse, domineering, shitdom; black and white. There is no excuse, no mitigating circs: he has just been (and continues to be) a total SHIT. You don't need to convince yourself about that.

ime I did feel violated for a short time after evicting shits who did the dirty like this. I got rid of everything that reminded me of them, even down to a bar of soap. I needed to expunge them from my home. BUT those feelings died off very quickly. Shutting the door on them when I finally got them out of my home was such an immense relief I fair skipped.

Darling, you've done it, you stood up to this snotbag shit.

WELL DONE Flowers Flowers

springytato · 11/07/2013 10:02

I sincerely hope he's out on his arse, that he pays through the nose for accomm. I also sincerely hope that one day he hangs his head in shame at what he did to you.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 11/07/2013 10:14

FABULOUS! You did it. You have stood up for yourself, your home, your DC and you showed this little arsewipe clear, concise boundaries!

I am cheering you on here. Take a minute and realise that you are a bloody clever cookie, who will take no shit. I certainly hope L2 sees that you will not cower away from L1 and thanks his lucky stars he isnt asked to vacate immediately too.

I also hope L1 struggles dearly to get other living accommodation. And that he has to pay triple what he paid you! And has a harridan as a LL.

Grin
themidwife · 11/07/2013 10:21

What an arse! Hope he's gone ASAP!!

Jux · 11/07/2013 11:43

Hurray for you Waves!

Don't hesitate to call cops if he stays over the deadline. Gosh how I hope his gf dumps him too.

GaryBuseysTeeth · 11/07/2013 12:07

What a massive, massive prick L1 is.
Well done for standing up for yourself, and I would love for him to ask you for a reference...hope Sat rolls round quickly for you, and he's not an arsehole then.

How are your BH now?

BerylStreep · 11/07/2013 12:20

Arsehole

And it is not acceptable at all to treat the owner of a home like this, especially not one on the verge of having a baby. (Trying to convince myself here)

No need to convince yourself. He is completely out of order. It is entirely reasonable for you to have said you don't want his GF staying just as you are about to have a baby. Especially considering she stayed for a month last time, and that he had loud domestics with her the time before.

He has acted unreasonably by:

  1. Refusing to accept your decision
  2. Haranguing you whilst you are doubled over in pain, in front of your DC
  3. Trying to alienate the rest of the household
  4. Noisily bitching about you into the night, knowing full well you will have heard
  5. Being an arse and dominating shared spaces
  6. Trying to quote legislation at you and bleating on about his rights
  7. Trying to extort money from you by claiming you need to pay for a hotel for him and his GF

I could probably get to at least 10 on the list if you want?

He really is an abusive entitled bully, and I pity any woman who ends up with him.
Wonder where his GF is staying when she arrives tomorrow? Can you arrange to have friends round on Saturday when he leaves?

BerylStreep · 11/07/2013 12:22

And on the plus side - at least you are now getting some rest Grin

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