Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

994 replies

wavesandsmiles · 01/05/2013 11:50

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

OP posts:
Ezio · 10/07/2013 20:01

They can get him out of your house, did you keep the texts, hes harassing you, your ill and pregnant, police have to act.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/07/2013 20:03

He can be perfectly polite now, he was obnoxious earlier. He is not bringing his gf into your home he is flying against all common sense.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 10/07/2013 20:04

Pregnant woman does trump jumped up little twat! Phone the police, explain that you are heavily pregnant and feeling harassed by your lodger who is intent on bringing unwelcome 'guests' into your home despite you being explicit in your refusal, and can they please send someone round as you are worried the stress is going to bring on early labour.

Xales · 10/07/2013 20:05

Simply reply to him that his room is available until his leaving date of 8th August as in your letter.

As said in your previous conversation his girlfriend will not be staying here and her and her possessions will be removed if she comes.

If he wishes to leave early or stay at a hotel that is his choice and you will not be paying for his choice.

You do know how to find them don't you Grin

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/07/2013 20:14

If you think calling the police is a step too far, (though I think this merits doing so), don't they have honorary police where you are, I know they will be volunteers but they'll be keen to keep the peace, isn't there at least one for each parish?

Jengnr · 10/07/2013 20:18

Tell him to fuck off.

You don't need to have any sort of discussion with him, you said no.

BerylStreep · 10/07/2013 20:26

Googles flights to Waves land.

BerylStreep · 10/07/2013 20:27

I suppose it is good practice for when your two hit teendom Grin

BerylStreep · 10/07/2013 20:31

Bunchamunch I think your suggestion is very sensible. He may be all polite boy now, but he was being a bully when he was going on and on the other night, and texts since. You could also mention the complaints that were received about the domestic abuse he was dishing out to his gf when she stayed before.

And make sure you make it clear how fearful you feel being in your own house - that he is aggressive and unpredictable.

BTW, I found this about lodgers' rights on having guests. I know it is a bunch of randoms from the internet replying, but it seems to be pretty unanimous that he has no right to have guests staying.

IAmNotAMindReader · 10/07/2013 20:41

Is he 12?

He is acting like a stroppy entitled teenager and has the gall to say you can't have a mature conversation (by that he means nod and smile and give in to anything he demands)

Seriously, get some advice from the police. You should be able to feel safe in your own home, not like you have signed up another, in some respects worse version of twunt without the relationship angle.

Get him out asap and don't feel sorry for him, he is an abusive arse you need to show the door.

Don't you dare pay him a thing.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 10/07/2013 20:45

Thing is, I know that harassment is unwanted contact. His texts are not particularly polite, but frankly I've now told him repeatedly to stop and just to abide by the rules and respect this as the family home that it primarily is. Harassment doesn't have to be shitty language. I may call the police informally tomorrow just to see what the score is.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsAllMine · 10/07/2013 20:50

what the hell is wrong with L1? SEriously, you said NO, unequivocally no.

He is behaving like a stroppy teen (I have one, I know!) and if mine behaved like that, he'd get short shrift.

I would let the police know, just in a 'what to do' call...

cuckoonest · 10/07/2013 20:54

Waves, I am delurking having had a look at what I think is your local CAB website. If I have your location right, it says:

"Lodger' rights
5 Lodgers may not enter into any form of lease, do not have any security of tenure and can, therefore, be asked to vacate at any time without notice, although any rent paid in advance should be refunded. There is no right to privacy, as the landlord has an unrestricted right of access to and use of the accommodation but this should be exercised in a reasonable manner.
6 The lodger has a right to receive the accommodation and services agreed at the commencement of the period of occupation, which should be detailed in written terms and conditions, but which is often only a verbal agreement.
Also see : See 11.8.10.L3 for standard written agreement.
Landlord's rights
7 The landlord has an unrestricted right of access to and use of the accommodation, however, the Housing Department Code of Practice recommends that this should be exercised in a reasonable manner.
The landlord has a right to receive the correct amount of rent at regular intervals, and to find her/his property in a reasonable condition at the end of the occupation."

Tell him he is no longer welcome, and is to be out by Friday.

Hope this evening is quiet on the BH front for you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/07/2013 20:54

Now more certain that he was the spoilt kid flinging whatever-the-hell that was round your kitchen without clearing it up. He repeatedly ignores requests to clear up after himself even in normal circumstances.

upper middle class posh boy charm spoken and manners of a pig to boot, apparently.

MissStrawberry · 10/07/2013 20:56

I think it would be a good idea to get your plans in case for when you go into labour. Get as many people on stand by as you can who can and will come immediately if you go into labour as this prat could seriously send you into labour. You also should tell people you are currently living with a bully and you might need some support. Do any of your friends have a big husband who will come round and sort this prat out for you?

BerylStreep · 10/07/2013 21:02

Next text he sends, reply stating 'I find your continued conduct distressing. This is harassment, please stop.'

He can't then claim he didn't know it was causing you upset.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 10/07/2013 21:14

Thanks for the tip Beryl. I've said something similar but will use that next time for sure (as I am sure there will be a next time)

cuckoo could you PM me the link? If it is correct then any agreement we have is meaningless so I can definitely ask him to leave on Friday.

missstrawberry my cousin's wife is now on standby to have my DCs dropped to her in middle of night if necessary. Plan is my doula will come here and when I'm ready to go to hospital (as late as possible given the threat of continuous monitoring and my fear of the clinical looking delivery rooms) she will load us all into the car and we will drop the DCs en route. Their bag is packed with pyjamas, school uniforms and play clothes so pretty much all covered. Just ought to get a couple of spare toothbrushes so I don't need to root around for them. I always do packed lunches night before and put them in the fridge, so they would just need grabbing with school bags.

Hopefully the fact I am now so totally organised means acrobat won't arrive until midday on his due date.

Quite uncomfortable this evening, trying very hard to do my relaxing but it is a bit hard. This really is a dreadful way to be spending the remaining weeks of what has been a horrid pregnancy. I wanted this to be a time of joy and excitement. Maybe that will have to wait until acrobat arrives?

Sorry if I have name checked wrong and missed people out but on phone and pretty stressed Sad

OP posts:
Jux · 10/07/2013 21:16

Waves, get him out. Tell him to be gone by Friday. He's going to bring his girlfriend in for a week whether you like it or not and they will take e piss really massively, egging each other on. Get him out. If necessary, call the police to remove him. Please. Do not think twice about it.

ljny · 10/07/2013 21:21

Agree with Jux. Just get him out.

If he objects, quote that website. If he disagrees, he can counter-research.

They WILL egg each other on and you REALLY don't need this.

Good luck!

GoodtoBetter · 10/07/2013 21:22

Tell him he has no right of tenure and he is to leave on Friday. If he does not then have him removed by the police. No pissing about. You are well within your rights to do so.

Allalonenow · 10/07/2013 21:25

I agree with Jux get him out ASAP.

You are under so much pressure waves , if you know where he works do they have staff accomodation? A phone call to his boss might clip his wings a little.

themidwife · 10/07/2013 21:37

Agree with all. Say he had no lease & no right to stay & as a result of his abusive behaviour he must be out by Friday & if he doesn't hand the keys over by 5pm you will call the police & have him removed as he will be trespassing as will his gf.

MissStrawberry · 10/07/2013 21:55

Waves, please post in the morning to let us know you are okay.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 10/07/2013 22:01

yes - get him out.He is a twunt in the making that is for sure!
do let us know you are ok in the morning, also keep all texts/emails from L1 for your records, should you need them.

Fucking arsewipe Angry I could cut him to shreds tonight, I am V grumpy again and need no excuse. Lemme at him

perfectstorm · 10/07/2013 22:22

The police will definitely side with you if it comes to it. You're the property owner, he's just a lodger, and his GF is a trespasser without your consent to be present.

Lodgers usually have no rights to speak of at all. I hope you can get him out by Fri - he's being abusive and harassing and you don't need the little shit in your home. His behaviour is appalling, and my sympathies for his gf immense. He will treat her worse than you, and the mind does rather boggle.

Agree that an update would be good - look after yourself, Waves.