DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

[wavesandsmiles]

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

Well, I still haven't called or texted twunt. That is nearly a week now.

I feel though in a way that this means there is no going back. He will say that I didn't bother keeping in touch so that's that. And I know deep down that that should be that (do I get a prize for overuse of "that" in a sentence?) but part of me still wants the promised happy ending. And not to be lying alone in bed, apart from the cat, and finding tears coming out of my eyes.

And maybe having been so "hard" I've blown it.

I sort of know that this is part of the emotional roller coaster, and I also sort of think that these doubt are a result of what he kept saying and trying to make me believe, about how it was all my fault etc. and I also know that I find it easier to believe that because it echoes how my mum is/was.

But I still hate the feeling.

On a good note, a lovely friend came round after school with her DCs and we had a brilliant time. All the children got on amazingly, even though it's about 2 years since we properly met up. She came armed with the most gorgeous hamper of goodies for me, all pamper type things. It was so unexpected and so very kind. We are meeting up again very soon, and once again, it makes me relieved I opened up to people in real life

If he's washing his hands of Acrobat in the sense of taking on board ANY responsibility, then I'm sorry but he doesn't get the lovely cuddles and playing at being an amazing dad bit either. Sperm donors don't have the responsibilities, they're not a dad to the child. Dads take on board responsibilities, financial and supportive. The way he's behaving, think of him as just a sperm donor. Don't sweat about having to arrange contact and handing Acrobat over until (or IF) he steps up to the mark. Harsh, but he can't have it all ways.

Don't take on the worry about taking him to court to be financially supported. Let him take you to court for access - and keep all those communications where he says he won't pay a penny of maintenance.

You haven't been hard. He was hard on you. All through this. When he wanted to 'make amends' didn't he say that he'd take you back if you accept all responsibility and apologise to him, making sure you never challenge him again? Hasn't he forced you, sick and pregnant to move furniture, and make houseroom for him and his brats? Hasn't he been cruel enough to acuse you of faking, or milking your hg?
And you think you were hard? You offered compromise, you tried and tried to make him better, kinder, more humane. He's a hard faced bastard without any sense of responsibility or compassion.

Thanks for the reminders about twunt! It is easy for the rose tinted spectacles to make their way to my eyes....

I have to confess, I tried to call him today. I rang his work number but there was no answer. Which is a really good thing as I'd be kicking myself if I'd spoken to him. So, that's a whole week now. It IS hard though, because I was genuinely prepared to work at fixing our marriage, and he clearly doesn't have the same feelings as me. Still, I am reminding myself that my lovely little acrobat will have a very loving family.

I'm tired, I am not doing any housework tonight. I am fed up of daily vomiting, and feeling nauseous. And kind of fed up of not having anyone to just be here and love me, and help me. This isn't how things are meant to be. I think that I will go to bed in about 20 minutes and try to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I will feel a little more positive.

Ah yes, the rose tinted spectacles are blinders really, and will only bring frustration if you put them on. I'm glad you couldn't get through to him.

Though I do understand that addiction, the thing that draws us towards people who have harmed us and will harm us again. It makes no sense. But there it is....You just have to keep detoxing, or there will be much greater misery when you go through it the next time. :(

We'll hold your hand through it waves.

I hope you sleep well tonight and have a pleasant weekend with the DC. Any home made ice cream on the cards, or shouldn't I mention that ;)

Read your last threads Waves and well done on being so strong, your ex really was vile, soon you will have a gorgeous baby to take your mind off that idiot xxx

Hi waves, I also don't post much but remember your previous thread. I'm bowled over by the strength you've shown.

These mixed feelings are natural but there are very good reasons he's now gone and you have lodgers. In fact, instead of reading past emails from twunt you could read your old thread. He behaved shockingly. I was unnerved by his petulant and cruel behaviour.

You are well shot of this pillock. It's good to see you back here and to hear how well you, your dcs and your lively little acrobat are. You may feel crappy but what you've done is really, really positive. Here's my hand. I think you're a superstar

Marking my place ....

I want to call him I feel so, so lonely, and so upset. I want the man I fell in love with to be right here giving me a cuddle.

if you called you wouldn't be speaking to the man you fell in love with. You'd speak to the twunt he is now stay strong, remind yourself about the bastard he really is, Going back a bit, you once said that all through your relationship you compromised, you went along with his wants and needs. you put him first. The same isn't true. He put himself first as well.

Offering a hand to hold...

he isnt the man you loved. He has gone over and beyond being nasty to you. You must NOT call him. It will only upset you further. If you want someone to talk to, then PM me and I will give you my number. You can call me instead.

PS - glad I found new thread. Stay strong, you are much better than you have been led to believe by the destructive people who are supposed to love and protect you.

I didn't call him. Thanks for the messages, it helped. I had a really big cry and now I'm in bed. DD is snuggled in with me, DS is camped out on the floor next to the bed and the cat is in here too!

I need to find and re read my original thread. I'm so caught up in the memories of how amazing life with him was before, and how this baby was meant to be coming into a very different life to this. And this is such a hideous time with me being ill and feeling isolated by that as much as everything else.

I'd been half planning to go to hear some live music tomorrow, but saw on the event page that his ex is going to be there too. She has been utterly dreadful in what she has said about and to me, so I think I won't go now. She's the mother of his children, as opposed to the ex he was secretly texting way back when I started posting about the problems. It's a shame as quite a few of my friends are going, but it would just spoil my time. Well, that's what I'm worried about.

Hopefully I'll get to sleep fairly soon, I feel too sad to be awake.

Well done on toughing it out. It's not easy, I know. Can you make a contingency plan if you get the urge again - phone someone else, play a music track, cuddle a pet (or DC) - anything to get you past it!

Do you think a couple of your friends might come with you to the music event - kind of flanking you, like heavies :) ... so you can still go but don't feel so vulnerable? It's a thought. Depends how you feel entirely.

Waves, I hope you're getting some sleep now but listen, I still have an old thread that I saved for you, and I've saved the latest one for you as well because I strongly believe you need to keep that one, as it's got a lot of positive stuff in it.

The to-ing and fro-ing of emotions and beliefs re. Twunt will continue for some time - I can safely say it was a year before I knew that I wouldn't ever take ex-fiancé back, and many years before I stopped having the occasional dream about him being back. Some of those were deeply disturbing, I have to say!

All I can say to you is remember that, at your lowest point, health and emotion wise, this bastard has abandoned you and that is ENTIRELY HIS CHOICE AND HIS FAULT.

(((hugs))) lovey - I'll pm you re. the saved threads and you can let me know if you want them.

He has texted me, just half an hour ago. Set me right off into floods of tears. This is what it says:

Hi, I know you don't want contact with me and I understand why, I just wanted to check that you and the baby are ok, if you need me to do anything just let me know ok

I don't know whether or not to reply..... And I would WANT to say "Well you know I am not ok, which is why I had to have a PICC line inserted, because I need daily treatment. Baby is ok judging by the amount of kicking going on. I am also not ok, because I am having to manage everything from finances to the practicalities of running a house by myself, since you decided our marriage was meaningless. And yes, I need you to do something. I need you to revert back to the person I was when I married you, sold my house, and gave up all my security for you. I need you to erase the absolutely horrific time you have put me through. I need you to be here when I am vomiting into the toilet, and collapsing, and bashing my head, or my elbow, or my knee as a result. I need you to be hunting around for the baby equipment bargains and going off to collect them, instead of me doing that around hospital appointments, housework, and looking after DS and DD. I need you to take away all the pain and the hurt that you have caused.

But I won't say that.

I don't even know how or if to reply.....

I think that is a really good reply ? not that you should send it ? but it's true, from the heart. And it shows you're still kicking a even though you're down. You are amazing, frankly.

The trouble with his text, his oh I understand I've been awful, I'm ashamed - but I care really attitude, is that it's all guff.

If it came from a normal man with feelings it might mean something.

But it comes from a man who wouldn't even get out of bed for you, couldn't even comprehend why he had to(!) and still grumbled about it. Wouldn't even get your medicines for you (if I recall correctly). Wouldn't keep his children quiet to help you get some rest. Doesn't believe you're ill even when in hospital attached to a drip.

That requires huge levels of inhumane callousness.

So it's that behaviour that has to count, not the nicey nicey words in the text. He doesn't mean them: doesn't even understand what he's saying, does he.

So best ignored, as I'm sure you'll do anyway, waves. I wish he'd leave you alone, and a nice new man would appear when you want him...

How is the weather where you are? We have sunshine today?

Weather is pretty nice here wordy - I am washing bedding after our invasion of not-so-welcome head visitors, and have one last load to get out on the line, then my friend just texted to say she's just arrived at the pub down the road, so i am going there to listen to some music for an hour. Then home, sort the kids tea, then I have babysitting sorted later on, and another friend is collecting me to take me back to the local pub for the evening music. It is about a 2 minute walk but her logic is that if she collects me I will actually go, as opposed to moping around at home. Feeling a little ropey, but determined to try to enjoy myself. Or at least pretend!

I haven't replied to the text. I might do, but I doubt it. But if I don't it makes me feel a bit rude. I certainly won't be sending the "from the heart" text.

My DD has to research a mammal for her big write homework this week. She is banned from giraffes (by her teacher) as she is soooo obsessed with them and involves them in pretty much everything. So she has chosen the hippopotamus. One of the facts she discovered today was that hippopotami give birth in water.... led to us having a chat about how I will give birth to little acrobat, and that I'd quite like to give birth in water too. Anyway, that was a nice distraction for me from the emotional rollercoaster, and feelings of sliding backwards and potentially falling off.

He's playing with you! 5 or 6 days away and he knows that you'll be getting used to him not being around getting on and doing stuff. He really is a bastard! Don't reply or reply yes I want you to fucking leave me alone until baby is born.

Hope you're enjoying this sunny bank holiday!

DON'T REPLY!!!

Ah, good to hear you are going to go out after all. Three cheers for your friend.

It's good drying weather here too, luckily I got most of it done yesterday for once :)

Best response to STBX is no response. But I know what you mean about feeling rude.

If you can't resist replying, something coldly offhand might do. Such as
'Right.' or 'I see.' ...end of text. But nothing is best.

Wasn't your last detox interrupted on day 5/6 by him contacting for some it urgent stuff to be had? He's spacing these contacts well isn't he? arnt you on day 5/6 again? And he knows you don't want him to contact, but has so little respect for what you want, that he will contact you anyway. Dick

If he understood he would NOT contact you. Not disregard your feelings again. Selfish selfish man. The opening if that text really tells you all you need to know. He is aware if your feelings, but doesn't care or value them enough to respect them.

He doesn't value my feelings at all does he

There was "real" contact when he came for his bits and bobs a week last Friday, and then he texted me on Monday about money he owed me that he'd transferred. I ignored that one. So, yes, he is timing these interruptions very well.

I still haven't replied. So, I will focus on getting the DCs their tea, then think about trying to motivate myself to get changed for this evening.