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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help me to leave him to enjoy himself

155 replies

fatedtopretend · 26/04/2013 23:50

Name change for obvious reasons. Dp takes a lot of cocaine when he goes out, we do not live together, he keeps that side of his life mainly separate to ours. I have decided to take a step back and not let him know I worry about him on his 'nights' out. Can someone try to give me advice on how to stay away from my mobile phone whenever he goes out? I worry about him dying, getting arrested or getting into fights until it makes me ill but it drives him away. He knows I worry and does try to keep in touch when he's out but he is not the best at remembering to contact me. I want to give him the freedom to not feel guilty about enjoying his time with his friends but have no idea how.

OP posts:
seeker · 26/04/2013 23:52

I'm really sorry- but this does not sound like a partnership to me- what do you get out of it?

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 26/04/2013 23:57

I am beginning to wonder this. I love him immensely, he does not reciprocate. I do not want to give up though.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 26/04/2013 23:58

I want to give him the freedom to not feel guilty about enjoying his time with his friends but have no idea how.

He doesn't come across as feeling the slightest bit guilty about enjoying his time out. Quite frankly, I'd be giving him total freedom to fuck off and take his coke habit with him.

SanityClause · 26/04/2013 23:58

Just leave him? Then he could enjoy himself, or not, as the case may be. But it wouldn't be your problem any more.

You need to decide whether you are happy still to be doing this in 20 years time. Or 40. Because he is unlikely to change.

Doinmummy · 26/04/2013 23:58

Do you really want to be with someone that takes "a lot " of drugs?

I'm not surprised he's not very good at remembering to contact you if he's off his head on cocaine. He should want to keep in touch because he cares about you , not just because he's managed to remember.

This does not sound like a good basis for a relationship . Is he not capable of enjoying a night out without taking illegal drugs?

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 27/04/2013 00:00

We have had some brilliant nights out with no drugs, it is part of him though and I knew it when I met him.

OP posts:
seeker · 27/04/2013 00:01

My advice?

Run. Run like the wind.

Doinmummy · 27/04/2013 00:04

If you knew he was a heavy drug user when you met him surely you were willing to accept everything that goes with taking drugs. I don't see how you can complain really.

Doinmummy · 27/04/2013 00:04

I agree seeker .

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 27/04/2013 00:05

I am trying not to complain, I would like advice on how to not worry so much/let him know I worry so much.

OP posts:
dontyouwantmebaby · 27/04/2013 00:05

you say you want to 'give him the freedom to not feel guilty about enjoying time with his friends' (but have no idea how).

you say you 'have decided to take a step back and not let him know you worry about him on his nights out'.

you say he knows you worry and that he does 'try' to keep in touch when he's out. but that he's not the best at contacting you.

when you say 'dp takes a lot of cocaine...he keeps that side of his life mainly separate to ours', do you mean 'ours' as in you and his child/children?

because he sounds like one huge child himself and quite frankly, I wouldn't waste any more of your valuable time worrying about what he chooses to do when he is out. smother him with 'freedom', you'll find this kind of person can't handle it and will come running. whether you want to be there for him is up to you.

thornrose · 27/04/2013 00:07

How often does he go out and do coke? Is it increasing or has it always been the same?

How much is a lot?

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 27/04/2013 00:09

He will go out on a weekend on a 2 day bender. He has reduced this recently to every few weeks. He will get through roughly 3g of pure uncut cocaine during a bender.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 27/04/2013 00:09

I don't see how anyone would not worry when their partner was out on a drug fuelled night.' Not worrying' and 'taking drugs' just don't go together.

dontyouwantmebaby · 27/04/2013 00:12

just remember that he's an adult. he CHOOSES to do this. you can't change his behaviour but you can change your own & how you react to this crap treatment.

advice on how to not worry so much/let him know you worry so much? is simply to realise there's nothing you can change esp not by your own worrying. essentially you have to take charge of your feelings here and stop caring so much because he sure as hell doesn't care that you're worrying. IYSWIM?

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 27/04/2013 00:14

I would not want a partner like this. Sad

dontyouwantmebaby · 27/04/2013 00:14

doinmummy - when said partner who chooses to go on a drug-fuelled night is FULLY AWARE that their partner is worrying about them & their behaviour. thats when you need to stop worrying & think about whether they'd put up with the same shit from you if situation was reversed. If not, then its fairly simple.

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 27/04/2013 00:16

I know I must sound like an idiot. He is genuinely amazing the majority of the time, I think I am perhaps too needy.

OP posts:
thornrose · 27/04/2013 00:19

Hmm, it's a tough one. I have known people with this lifestyle, men and women, partners who don't share the lifestyle inevitably find it difficult to cope with. Cocaine makes people incredibly selfish.

Does he ever talk about wanting to stop or show regret after his benders?

I don't think anyone can tell you how not to worry, it's human nature.

Doinmummy · 27/04/2013 00:19

Very true dontyou

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 27/04/2013 00:21

He really wants to stop and is always remorseful afterwards, I used to use until a few years ago and so, I appreciate the draw of the lifestyle, all I want to do is not push him away through worrying.

OP posts:
seeker · 27/04/2013 00:21

"I know I must sound like an idiot. He is genuinely amazing the majority of the time, I think I am perhaps too needy."

No. You are not. Whatever he tells you. This is not the behaviour of a grown up human being.

thornrose · 27/04/2013 00:27

The problem is all your fears and worries are genuine and normal. You are trying to live a lie in effect, pretending you don't worry, putting on a front. It's going to take its toll on your relationship.

If you said "me or cocaine" which would he choose do you think?

dontyouwantmebaby · 27/04/2013 00:29

oh gosh yes I am sure its easy to say on here not to worry, of course in practice its tougher than that.

too much cocaine not only makes people incredibly selfish but it turns them into such incredible bores. I couldn't be bothered with it all.

OP, once you cotton on to the fact that its not YOU thats the needy one in this relationship, you'll be fine. Until then am not much good with sympathetic advice. I don't think YOU'RE the needy one here, quite the opposite. Fuck that for him being 'genuinely amazing the majority of the time'. IME this tends to show them up for how crap they are the rest of it tbh Hmm

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 27/04/2013 00:36

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
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