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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help me to leave him to enjoy himself

155 replies

fatedtopretend · 26/04/2013 23:50

Name change for obvious reasons. Dp takes a lot of cocaine when he goes out, we do not live together, he keeps that side of his life mainly separate to ours. I have decided to take a step back and not let him know I worry about him on his 'nights' out. Can someone try to give me advice on how to stay away from my mobile phone whenever he goes out? I worry about him dying, getting arrested or getting into fights until it makes me ill but it drives him away. He knows I worry and does try to keep in touch when he's out but he is not the best at remembering to contact me. I want to give him the freedom to not feel guilty about enjoying his time with his friends but have no idea how.

OP posts:
maidmarian2012 · 28/04/2013 10:49

My XP had wealthy friends and when he went out with themhe would inevitably return coked up. It made him argumentative, selfish and violent at times. I used to take the stuff I admit, but I saw sense, like other posters say, in my mid 20s. Ex was nearly 40. I found it very irresponsible of him. He missed work and I had to lie to his DM about why he was ill in bed (Coming down) and deal with his moods.

I hated his friends, they had no respect for their wives or girlfriends, allsorts of stuff went on.

I dont really know what I'm trying to say OP. I know what you feel like though.

However I do feel that your DP (like my XP) needs to grow up.

How would he feel if you went off on a coke bender with your mates all night?

50shadesofbrown · 28/04/2013 11:20

My DH used to be like this. He would go out to parties, sometimes with me & sometimes on his own. He would roll home absolutely wasted, sometimes injured, all money spent, & filthy from falling over. Or sometimes he didn't come home & I had to go out & search for him. Over the years he tried everything but never did needles. He was also basically an alcoholic.
It came to a head one night when he got home wasted, almost fell through the (closed) front door & damaged it. He was filthy, had broken his stick (he needed a walking stick as he was waiting for knee surgery). I dragged him upstairs (I was 9 stone & short, he was 18 stone & over 6 feet tall) & put him in the bath & showered him down. He then threw up massively, he was still in the bath & couldn't get up due to his size, inebriation & bad knee. I had to scoop his sick up in my hands & put it down the toilet. There was nothing else to pick it up with & I didn't dare go downstairs to get something in case he hurt himself, he was panicking & struggling. Finally got him sorted out & in bed. Next morning he had no memory of it. I told him in graphic detail what he had done & said if it ever happened again I would kick him out. I told him to cut contact with all his drug friends & completely quit drinking for 6 months or it was over. Said I wasn't going to stick around & watch him kill himself, & that if he loved me more than the drugs, he'd choose me.

Thank goodness, he listened to me & did as I asked. We are still together & he has never touched drugs since. Still likes his beer but rarely gets drunk. He does have lingering MH issues which I am certain the drugs caused or made worse.

I know what I would do in your situation. Sorry to hijack!

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 28/04/2013 11:37

I do not think I am brave enough to give him the ultimatum

OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/04/2013 11:42

There isnt any answer then. Youre choosing this and youre enabling it.

What I would suggest is maybe look into speaking to www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html
And asking to be referred for counselling by yourself.

They wont tell you what to do, but they will listen to you and help you become stronger. They have a tiered payment plan, which you may even qualify for free therapy if your income is low enough

What would your boyfriend say if you told him that you are really hurting over this?

WinkyWinkola · 28/04/2013 13:25

He is essentially how you were 5 years ago? Does that mean you had/have addiction problems too?

You can't really help him by sticking around.

I think you're going through a lot more than just worrying about him.

I guess there may well come a point where you decide you can't take anymore and bin him anyway. That could take years because he's not going to change.

FarBetterNow · 28/04/2013 13:55

But you gave the coke up.
He may never give it up.
He may not want to.
You are wasting your weekends worrying about him.
There is no way of you worrying less as you love him.

I think leaving him will take a bit of getting your head around, but maybe the seed is planted.

A lot of us speak from our own coke use experience as well as having a partner as a coke head.
We are not all shocked at drug use.
If you are not yet prepared to finish the relationship, please do not move in together.

50shadesofbrown · 28/04/2013 14:50

Fated I didn't think I would be brave enough either. I said what I had to because I loved him & couldn't have lived with myself if he'd died as a result of his behaviour. I forced him to make a choice - me or the drugs. If & when you get the courage to do this, it will likely end in 1 of 2 ways:

  1. he'll say he wants the drugs. If he says this, you will know the truth, that he would prefer to spend his weekends with a bunch of people he doesn't necessarily know well or even like, just so he can get high & escape his real life. Let him go you are better off.
  2. He may surprise you & choose you. Mine did & I genuinely didn't expect him to. You & he can then start building a proper family life together.

Obviously this is something you can only come to when you are ready or have got to the end of what you can tolerate from him.

I really hope it all works out for you (both). But if it doesn't, at least you will know you were brave enough to risk everything to try & save him.

lemonstartree · 28/04/2013 15:21

Run, honestly.

You cant NOT be worried about an idiot who goes out and gets off his face on drugs. Because its stupid and risky and accidents / incidents happen to people who are off their face.

If you love him immensely but he does not reciprocate then every single soul destroying day you spend with this tosser will eat away at your self esteem a little more.

Run , fast - you are worth much more than this shit

CabbageLeaves · 28/04/2013 16:28

Well your thread title is pretty accurate. You're not worried about him taking drugs. You'd like a way of reinforcing your denial about the risks/consequences and dangers.

Sorry. Can't help you

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 19/07/2013 00:18

Quick message to fiftyahadesofbrown, I gave him the option, he chose me and dd, thank you all for making it clear it couldn't go on as it was Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
fatedtopretend · 19/07/2013 00:19

Aaarrrggghhh 50shadesofbrown even, silly big thumbs

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2013 06:45

Glad there's been some progress. But remember, when it comes to a habit as bad as drug use, promises can be easy and empty. 'Zero tolerance' now and, should you find he has backslid even a millimetre, out he goes...

Hissy · 19/07/2013 07:10

How's it going now? Is he any different?
How are YOU doing?

kalidanger · 19/07/2013 07:23

That's good news. What's he doing?

Labradorwhisperer · 19/07/2013 07:25

I hope he has changed for the sake of you and your DD.

You came on here asking for advice on how not to worry about him.

You didn't get that because, really, there is no advice on how to do that when your partner is out taking a dangerous illegal drug.

You did NOT sign up for this when you started your relationship. He may have used, you may have used, but you have a right to want a different life.

maidmarian2012 · 19/07/2013 08:54

LTB

hellsbellsmelons · 19/07/2013 12:15

maid did you read the thread.
Pleased it's turning out as you'd like.
I really hope he sticks to it.
If he doesn't just remember, just because you managed to fix you, does not mean you can fix him.
Good luck with everything!

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 19/07/2013 20:23

Thanks for the replies, it's going really well!

We're taking things slowly-it was obviously a big change to make and I didn't want him to need to rely on me to pull him out of his habits.

Gone are the Sundays of dropping him come down supplies off, we now do things with the three of us and it is so much more relaxed-I'm not ripping myself in half anymore!

I know that it won't all be plain sailing but thank you all for making me see I needed to stand up for me and dd (unmumsnet ending coming up)

Xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
fatedtopretend · 20/07/2013 20:42

I am an idiot.

He is 28 hours in on a bender with his friends.

We were meant to be taking my dd out tomorrow for a special fun day as he was wanting to try getting to know her better.

Please do not say ltb, I know all of those comments off by heart.

I would really like someone to tell me I'm going to be ok. I am sick to my stomach. I went round to his and packed all my things and have left them in his spare room. When/if he gets home tomorrow I am going to go there and tell him to decide if I take them with me and give my keys back.

I am so, so sad Hmm

OP posts:
GetStuffezd · 20/07/2013 21:03

You can spend the next ten years feeling like a gullible, nagging, insecure, desperate twat (i have been one so i make no apologies) or you can change your life and get rid of this selfish fuckwit who knows youll roll over and forgive him.
Nobody can tell you anything new on this thread.
Leave the fucking cokehead bastard!

Twattergy · 20/07/2013 21:05

You deserve better than this. He has let you and dd down. You have him the chance to make a decision that would keep the relationship alive and he has chosen to ignore your needs. Wishing you strength to make the right decision for you and your dd.

GetStuffezd · 20/07/2013 21:05

Also if you had a scrap of self esteem youd have taken your stuff rather than intending coercing him into some silly 'ask me to stay' game when he will be coming down and will say anything.

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 20/07/2013 21:11

That's the thing, I do have zero self esteem. I know it has to end. It still won't be easy, that's why I don't need the ltb comments. I need the strength to do it and stick to it.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/07/2013 21:24

Look at your DD and decide what life you want for her. That should help your resolve.

Do you have any real-life support?

GetStuffezd · 20/07/2013 21:24

But mate, what the fuck is it going to take for you to make the effort and leave? Please dont say hospital incident because youll just rally round him and try to "fix" him. A violent incident? Why would you subject yourself.to that when youve got the opportunity to leave now?

Your daughter deserves a male influence from someone who can remain in his own mind for five fucking minutes.