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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

help me to leave him to enjoy himself

155 replies

fatedtopretend · 26/04/2013 23:50

Name change for obvious reasons. Dp takes a lot of cocaine when he goes out, we do not live together, he keeps that side of his life mainly separate to ours. I have decided to take a step back and not let him know I worry about him on his 'nights' out. Can someone try to give me advice on how to stay away from my mobile phone whenever he goes out? I worry about him dying, getting arrested or getting into fights until it makes me ill but it drives him away. He knows I worry and does try to keep in touch when he's out but he is not the best at remembering to contact me. I want to give him the freedom to not feel guilty about enjoying his time with his friends but have no idea how.

OP posts:

Report

DistanceCall · 27/04/2013 11:39

You can't not worry. Because he might OD any day.

And if you want him to stop using, I think the best way is to leave him. The rude shock of it might just (MIGHT) shake him enough to give him a wakeup call. Otherwise, you're just an enabler.

Up to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/04/2013 12:34

What you're asking is like someone who is partnered up with a burglar and asking 'how do I stop worrying that he's going to be arrested?' The only person that can stop you worrying is him.... And he does that by acting like a responsible adult.

Doha · 27/04/2013 15:07

ANd if you do eventually end up living together and have Dc's how will you cope with them and his nights out every few weeks. How will you function worrying about him out on his benders??
Wouldn't he be a brilliant role model to any DC's. But l am running ahead and worry that you are pinning you future on a man who loves drugs more than he loves you.
What would he say if you made him chose??
I think you know the answer.

Run run like the wind and don't look back

fatedtopretend · 27/04/2013 18:47

I have a DC, I obviously keep DC away from dp whenever he has been near drugs.

He is out now. Trying to keep calm vibes going.

OP posts:

Doha · 27/04/2013 19:12

I would be keeping my DC away from him permanently but l feel you are not listening . Oh well!!

CabbageLeaves · 27/04/2013 19:18

You have a problem as much as him

Lavenderhoney · 28/04/2013 06:37

Where you say you have had brilliant nights out without drugs, I would say he is doing it and you believe him when he says he isn't, because you love and trust him. You can't trust someone with an addiction to coke.

WinkyWinkola · 28/04/2013 06:56

You should be worried. About you and your dc.

Ah well, not that you'll listen to anything on this thread.

Just keep enabling his habit and having less than half a relationship.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 28/04/2013 07:02

You, and he, need to grow up
I say you, because you have a child and you are trying to pretend this is ok, and normal. If the child isn't his then take a good hard look at the sort of people you allow into his/her life! And if he/she is his child then take a good hard look at the life you want your child to have as they grow older. Two weekends a month with daddy elsewhere while he shovels filth up his nose? Fucking nasty.

Eastpoint · 28/04/2013 07:11

It is also likely that he will suffer long term health issues resulting from his coke use. A friend of mine's brother had a heart attack in his mid-40s - coke use was the likely cause. Another friend's husband managed to get through £80K over 18 months, she only discovered during their divorce.

fatedtopretend · 28/04/2013 09:03

I cannot believe how bitchy people are on here. Dp does not have an addiction any more than most women on here have to wine/vodka (Friday night drunk thread is a mess). I asked for advice on how to worry less, not for advice on our relationship.

OP posts:

TurnipCake · 28/04/2013 09:10

Oh come on. Really?

Ok, if you want to worry less, either change your entire personality and fibre of your being to someone who doesn't give a toss, or slip yourself a roofie every time he goes out.

WinkyWinkola · 28/04/2013 09:13

Good username, Fated.

Why are you worried about him then if he's not got a problem and is only going out to get boxed on coke?

BicBiro · 28/04/2013 09:15

your worry is a very normal and natural response to him taking coke. it's your body's way of telling you there is potential danger here. I think you'd be better off listening to that rather than trying to squash it

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 28/04/2013 09:20

Bitchy? No. Realistic. You are in denial. Fine. So stay there - and come back when you are ready to face the truth. We will be he.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 28/04/2013 09:20

Oops - we will be here

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 28/04/2013 09:22

"It is part of him"

Nobody has drugs as 'part of them', unless they have an addiction. He makes a choice, as do you.

pigsDOfly · 28/04/2013 09:32

People aren't being bitchy OP and some of them are talking from personal experience. If it's in your nature to worry, no one can tell you how not to.

Whether your DP has an addiction or not, he behaviour is not desirable. What do you expect people with opinions to say: 'Of course you don't have to worry about him, he'll be fine'? No one is going to say that because the chances are at some point something will happen to him; with his health, with the law, or financially that is going to impact on both of you and if it impacts on you it will impact on your DC.

No one can tell you how not to worry. Yes you didn't ask for advice about your relationship and you might not like what people are saying, but you'd do well to listen.

Branleuse · 28/04/2013 10:07

i dont think the answer is for you to stop worrying. I think the answer is for you to take a step back and stop caring, because hes not caring about you.

Im not anti drugs. ive done a lot of drugs in my past before children, and would very occasionally have a all nighter now. Maybe once or twice a year, if that, but be under no illusions that he is worrying about you at all.
Coke is a vicious drug. Its catastrophic for the environment, leads to gang violence and murder, plus it turns people into complete arseholes and destroys their nose and their heart.
Of course you are going to worry.

He isnt going to stop, and youre not going to stop worrying, so my best advice is to back away before you get any more involved. He needs to grow up and take up a less life threatening hobby

fatedtopretend · 28/04/2013 10:29

I feel like my world is falling apart. Sorry for the snappy post previously, Sundays are not the best days. No contact from 6pm until 9am this morning when he said he'd got in, his phone is now off. I know I should walk away but I honestly don't think I can. I will end up apologising to him for worrying again.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2013 10:31

"I know I should walk away but I honestly don't think I can"

Why is that exactly?. Genuine question.

fatedtopretend · 28/04/2013 10:35

I love him. I do not love easily or freely. I do not want to give up on someone who is essentially me 5 years ago

OP posts:

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StuffezLaYoni · 28/04/2013 10:38

So, do you want him to stop taking coke, or do you want to stop your worried feelings!

ohforfoxsake · 28/04/2013 10:41

It's your choice to accept it but seriously - do you really think anyone here will approve of it?

Accept he may OD or do something stupid, and that you support him in this,

Or

Leave him to it and get on with your life.

Mumsyblouse · 28/04/2013 10:49

To some extent you are not wrong, drink and cocaine have lots of similarities. However, how many women do you know in relationships with kids involved who disappear on two day benders drinking vodka and not getting in touch for hours on end. None. It's not acceptable.

I wouldn't want my children around a heavy drinker and I wouldn't want them round a heavy cocaine user. You are not married, you don't live together, you don't have to put up with this stress and worry, just leave!

Flip

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