support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I thought that's what you meant, Colin. It's like an enchantment. Somehow you have to break the spell.

I think mine is truly lovely, and he has cast a spell, but still hope this time my eyes are wide open.

Better glad you clarified as that is exactly what i was wondering if she thought you should cooperate but did not see that that makes you responsible for telling him what to put.

If you could i would get a specialist sol.although do appreciate it is a hassle.

A friends said something perceptive to me when i said i don't feel like dm is on my side. she does not understand because she cannot understand. her life has been all roses she has never felt the thorns. she cannot know what it is like.

You need someone who can see what he is up to.

better just quickly as on lunch at work. After one meeting and my second email, my sol had used the work 'control' in relation to what FW was trying to do. It kind of gave me the impression she knew what she was talking about. The first solicitor I saw, I did not proceed with as she had no empathy and was asking for instructions when i was in no position to give them. Current sol gave options and advice. I find the whole thing so difficult that I do need sol to be able to both contain the situation and keep to the point, but also weigh up the possibilities at the relevant stage. It is hard to comment more without going into specifics which neither you or I should do on here.

Obviously, you do not want to change solicitors at this stage, but your legal representation should not be a source of stress. If you feel that it is, speak to WA, get a second opinion. The more information and advice you have, the better.

Colin hope you don't think i am out of line but i think you need to do some real work at loving yourself and giving yourself real value. There will be someone out there for whom you light up the room. but first you need to be very kind to yourself and light up your own life. so that you can see what everyone else can see that you are worth more.

Remember what his friends said. he is charming but moves on quickly. Whereas you are real and genuine.

seriously try to think about at least one thing every day for the next week that makes you wonderful.

mine for me today is optimism. i always look on the bright side of life and feel lucky to live in a wonderful world. (my inner theme is always Louis Armstrong) and i like my positive nature.

Thank you mink. I'm just hoping he comes back, I will change if he does

Colin change how? Not give him money? Set some boundaries? I am speaking very hypothetically here.

You wouldn't be able to please him more by changing, his fun is in you not meeting his (totally FWitted) standards, if you met them, he would change the standards and up the ante.

You know this. Trust your brain, not your body. Your heart is in love with a figment of your imagination btw.

Just let him have what he wants I guess

I appreciate I may be losing the plot right now and am hoping this is just the withdrawal talking

See? Nothing wrong with your brain :) Hang on in there.

I rembered another thing that was weird - he's told me his nan has died about four times for no real reason.

You mean told you falsely that she had just died? Or kept on about her dieing? I take it she has died??

Falsely. No she hasn't died either

See also: breaking leg and being in hospital (not true) and dad having a heart attack

Colin read back what you have written if you're wavering. He pretended his gran had died, lied about being in hospital and invented a serious illness for his dad.

Of course you're grieving but you're mourning a life and relationship that didn't really exist. It's so tempting to only remember the good parts but you can't just ignore the actions that were emotionally abusive or downright odd (like the lies you've just mentioned).

Someone upthread asked about online counselling - sorry I can't remember who as I have a memory like a sieve (ooh another implement to add to the army ) The online counselling is with Relate and you pay about £28 per session. I haven't had my response back yet so don't know how it will work (or if it will work!) but I was struggling to fit appointments in otherwise.

I feel a little brighter now. That stuff is plain weird. I knew he was weird but I always regarded him as my beautiful little weirdo but let's face it, a life time of that is going to get wearing. And imagining having kids that were more mature than him by the age of 7....well that says it all

we could all have seives like we were fencing. it would add to the terror I have such a brilliant mental image of us all jumping out sieves over faces, assorted kitchen implements in our other hands (and may I say you are all looking very well and totes fabulous in my mental image ladies)

I am dipping in quickly as I now appear to have got one entire toe in the dating pool and am thinking about possibly going on an actual date in the next couple of weeks.

colin that's the way. FWIW I thought ex was fascinating for a long time. fascinating in the way that someone who lives by entirely different rules is interesting. fascinating in the way thst you can't take your eyes of a car crash

here are those quotes for you elves=fairies (but you are not supposed to call them by name in case they hear you)=lords and ladies also known as the beautiful people. (from Terry Pratchett- don't worry I have not started believing in the little people but interestingly where I come from fairies are bad too)

?Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
Elves are terrific. They beget terror.
The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.
No one ever said elves are nice.
Elves are bad.?

and sorry dcat lovers:
?If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember"

Could just as easily be applied to your ex Colin.

I've just walked out. He found a charm I had bought for myself and one for my friend and accused me of having an affair, he said I could
Pack my bags and fuck off so I did but without packing my bags. Now I'm sat in the pub about a mile away and I don't know what to do. I have to work but I have no car. I left at 7:15 and he hasn't texted ior called. All I have is my phone and my wallet.

What do I do?

Do you have anywhere to go? People? will he calm to let you back in when he's finished this tantrum? But don't go back if at risk of violence.

Well done you! Noone needs to listen to that utter crap...

I'd probably go for calling around which friends could take me for the night? whilst I get next step thoughts together. Go back in the morning before work and get your things. but the night is running away with us fast so best to do something pretty quickly!

Oh MrsM. I'm not sure but didn't want to leave you unanswered. You don't have DC do you? Had you decided to leave already at some point? Or were you still thinking? If you know you need to go then maybe now is the time. Could you go back and get your car? Do you have friends/family that could put you up for a bit? Do you have finances in place that you could rent somewhere for yourself?

Have you spoken to anyone in RL tonight?

Where do you want to go hun? You can go anywhere of course, he's made this very easy opening the door like this. Don't worry whether you hear from him or not, it won't change a thing. As you have decided and need to stick to that for yourself.

big ((((hugs)))) for your emotions on this right now xxx

You need somewhere safe to go for the night. Can you call a friend? One step at a time.

colin You need to keep re reading what you have posted and see that you will never ever change enough to satisfy him because he will keep on moving the goal posts. And each time it will hurt more and more.

It's a FW thing. Mine told me I was too fat to be attractive after having DD. So I went on a strict 1200 calorie a day diet and did loads of exercise. I lost weight, I toned up, I got the beginnings of a 6 pack. My pre pregnancy thin day clothes were loose on me. My friends at work told me that I needed to eat more and was looking too thin and unwell. But FW kept on and on saying that I still didn't look as good as I used to. That was the moment the penny dropped for me. I knew that I was lighter than I'd ever been before. I knew that normally tight clothes were too big but still my FW was not happy. At that point I realised that whatever I did it would never be good enough.

What great quotes! Love them.

Cheering your latest post, Colin. I hope it gets easier for you soon. In the meantime, yes, it is a shame - that he can be such good company and yet that that all fell apart when things weren't going his way. That's really the test of character - being lovely in happy times is easy. Life partners, of course, need to be rather more than that.

Forgot to say that at this point I started eating cakes again, ditched the excessive exercise (I've always done a healthy amount) and a now a nice normal size (or fat to FW!!!!)

Oh, I seem to have missed about 8 posts. Pretend I posted that about 15 minutes ago, would you? It'll make a bit more sense!