support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

bounty they were asking me to help FW by giving him details of things he should do regarding the indirect contact (without saying too much). To me he has to prove he is able to meet DS's needs and do it himself - my sol disagreed WTF! FW had already (via his sol) blamed expert help he had had with it why it wasn't appropriate, which is a massive victim, nothing my fault usual tactic from this faultless FW - and mentioned a lot by Lundy. I could hear Lundy's reply to this - the court handled that well. I've woken early, feel like I have been through a massive fight but when its my sol that isn't good. Need a few days just to relax and not get involved in FWitery I think. Colin keep strong, I am holding your hand.

Holding your hand too Better

I just hate that he's not coming back and it's my fault

colin it is not your fault, noting, noting, nothing you could have done or can do will make him treat you any better. You would just get more miserable. This is the `cold turkey' bit but it will not last as long as you think.
bounty forgot to say about cafcass - they were actually mentioned when we were in the actual court room and I have a feeling my sol turned down a section7 report which I am also miffed about. But to be honest I am keeping strong on that one by thinking that can still happen later on.

Colin you could change yourself beyond all recognition but it wouldn't help, my love. I changed over the years but he was still a FW for all of our relationship. Finally I've changed back - to the real me.

The goalposts will never stay still, lovely girl. This is a game designed to have no winners but him.

Once again, (((hugs))). To you too better

You might be right. I still know I could have been better to him. This cold turkey is awful. I can feel something running through me. Like a charge or a poison.

Maybe I was abusive also. I said and did pretty bad things. No wonder he cheated.

No. Stop this right now. You were not abusive. You could not have been nicer. What else should you have done? Chopped his food up for him? Wiped his bum?

Feel down and sad about the end of the relationship, I'll allow you that, but stop beating yourself up with guilt. You don't deserve that x

Sorry. Reading that back, it was a little heavy on the tough love! I just don't want you to torture yourself colin

Colin, I had a moment of clarity about ex, after posting last night. Which is, although we have talked recently and I understand more where he is coming from, the script has not changed. He is saying the same things in different words.

I said ex was not a FW, which I think is because he operated differently from FW. Ex took what he needed, in any way he could, and moved on as and when it suited him. He also came back when he needed to. I accepted this because I loved him and he had a quality for me which no-one else could match. But, and this is the hard part, he still abused my love for him, it was not a healthy relationship, and it possibly affected my ability to form healthy relationships, not because I was still in love with him, but because it took me so long to realise that it was not healthy, iyswim, and I continued those patterns, albeit in a different way.

What opened my eyes was recognition of something which happened, which was about meeting his needs, and violating me. It took me 13 years to recognise that for what it was and seriously reassess the 'relationship' with him. But it did show me that it was about his needs, and my love for him was used to meet these.

Not sure where i am going with that. I do not believe what happened was my fault. I do not believe that people change. We need to change how we respond, even if we still have the underlying feelings. I do not believe that you are responsible for his behaviour either.

Hi patio (waves)

better did you debrief with sol? That sounds rough. Do you have a longer term plan with sol, seeing this as a process? Can you say to them you were not clear on their rationale? Maybe it is a case of being seen to be as co-operative as possible? Agree re detaching for a few days. The problem with fuckwittery is that it is not always obvious.

Really hope you get a got rest better after the very rough ride... grr at sol. Right or wrong you pay the sol! so should be advised of whats going on so that you can agree or disagree, and be a strong team together.

Colin know that the pain will pass, sending you strength for that. Its so easy isn't it, to continue the pattern of blame, even when they've gone! but that pattern is a good one to break first Have patience with yourself and just notice what's happening whilst you sit this one out, it will be over. (((hugs))) that you stored him as FW good work!

I posted recently butterfly about that, the swapping and changing my approach/reaction and everything really - but he didn't. That alone I think speaks volumes about where blame lies?

Hi fi, yes, I meant change how we respond to the fuckwittery/abuse of love, to detach, not that we need to change to accomodate it better. Re-read post and not sure if that was clear. I agree with you.

Thank you for your kind words. I could have spent the night with him more, could have said yes more. I just got exhausted. He has found someone to meet all his needs now and who is obviously better than I was. He said this would happen if I didn't change.

Anyway hoping you all have good days. I'm in bed. Love my sick note.

The point is colin that you have needs too, and a healthy relationship is about working together, not one person bleeding the other dry and then moving on. It is not about the new person being better, or worse.

Besides relationships don't work on ultimatums!

I suppose. There were many of my needs that went unmet. I didn't think this would feel so bad though.

Colin you could have said yes more but you should not have. Someone who loves you loves you for who you are not whatt they can get.

I know it must e tough us saying he ddi not love you when you really really desperately want him to. but it is not e abuse you are unloveable. it is not you. it is him. he only loves himself. he does not love the new girl either. he will bearing her down right now working out what he can get and all the time with his eyes on anyone else which can give him more.

All this aura that he projects is just his glamour. (i read a lot of sci fi in sci fi a glamour is the image you project to cover what you really are).
There is a quote from pratchett (yes pratchett not Lundy ) that i ill find later that gets to the heart of the matter.

What he really is Colin is a selfish prick.

Bernard messed that all up.

that should say it is not that you are unloveable. he is incapable of love.

And about the new girl he will be wearing her down.

He is a parasite Colin. nothing more. a very pretty glamorous parasite.

Colin my new bloke (who is an old friend) also lights up the room etc, a real contrast to FW Ex. But here's the diff from your Mr C. On our couple of trips away, he paid for accommodation for 1st one, and I did transport and insisted on paying for food. He paid accommodation on 2nd one, but then I insisted on paying for half of that, and we each paid for transport. We contributed roughly equal to food etc. While away, we had some minor differences of opinions, voiced quite forceably! But they were sorted out almost immediately, no sulking for the rest of the day.

please don't judge yourself by his choices Collin you are precious and he abused that. He certainly is a parasite, and I feel sorry for that woman who doesn't know what going to happen next.

Women are not simply a vagina's to fuck, women who feel relaxed, close and happy with their men, feel turned on by them and WANT to go to bed, if they don't want to they shouldn't. Its only complying with his pressure if they do, and I'm not sure what the word is for that, but its not making love. It might be deemed rape? - certainly element of coercion. horrible to think of anyway. I'm glad you are resting. Give yourself a break and have patience with yourself, it will change. xxx

Sorry I wasn't clear - we fucked alot and I loved it. I miss it so much with him. I just used to bugger off after rather than spending the night. (My choice)

half the population has a dick, its not summat you'll never have again.. some dicks come with much nicer guys (if you can bear to weedle them out).

This is true. Can't bear thinking about being with anyone else. Probably because I'm normal.

butterfly I did chat with them afterwards and it was better as the hearing had gone well but just so defensive. I was asking questions about process and she always thinks I am questioning her ability which makes me question her ability IYGWIM. She does want me to be ubber co-operative which is fine but FW would throw it back at me i.e. well she told me what to put' or she is dictating what I put' but is something my sol. just doesn't understand, she has no knowledge of these kind of men but then neither did I before FW (and help from Lundy) - tis difficult.
Colin IKWYM about feeling abusive too - it is hard not to respond under such provocation, I was a bit the same yesterday with sol if I am honest - I wasn't rude or shouting and sweraing but I really had to be firm. The sol didn't behave as I do in my job that is for sure.

Better the hair is standing up on the back of my neck and the alarm bells are ringing that the sol you are using 'has no knowledge of these men' 'sol. just doesn't understand' You are paying her to not just understand, but know, and know better than you, far better, else why pay her?

You don't seem happy with her atall and she doesn't know this situation, so she's out of her depth and probably why she's defensive about you questionning her ability, she should be able to easily reassure you and add to your knowledge so that you feel confident and trust her, otherwise, whats the point really?

You could have another solicitor - WA use DV specialist solicitors.

Ignore if I'm barkin up the wrong tree xx