support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hey better - am sooooo glad that you have had other people support your viewpoint in this. I am sure that your FW will be completely unable to comprehend what the problem is though, and if so he'll be putting himself across as the FW he is. Here's hoping!

Hope everyone is doing ok, it's back to school here today and nice in a way to get back into a routine. I am desperately trying to marshall my time better - being self-employed I never seem to get a day off or any time to myself, so I'm trying to structure my working hours more. And considering DS2 going into nursery for a couple of mornings a week - I really need the time to work or else I end up working most evenings (or feeling very guilty because I'm not) and the same at weekends. DM does keep DS2 for me a couple of times a week but not as much as I really need for working purposes, and I can't ask her to do any more. It's funny, with DS1 I always said that even if I wasn't working I'd put him nursery for at least one day a week. With DS2 I'm reluctant, he's my baby (and my last) and I don't want to let him go!!!!

Sorry, slightly off-topic rant there, but ahhhhhhhh it's good to have all that out of my head!

Aw Pony know that one, its tough huh. Maybe eve's and w'ends will do it for now, but it seems it might be wearing you out? so its not working out for you.

He's a lucky ickle baby with such a doting dm! You'll make the right decision hun.

Just saying hello to eeryone. No changes here. better I panic without t'internet!!
Missing tis who has been a real source of comfort.

It's spring and it's nice here. I really love my house, it's my dream home but also I'm sad bcse my dream is to leave H and I expect he will stay here. I don't know what to think some days. I can't be oppressed all of my life just bcse I like my house can I.

Fuckwit. Miserable nasty sodding fucking bastard of a fuckwit. That's it, really. That's my day.

Oh, and grats to bertie!

And will read back as I've obviously missed something re tis.

I'm certain Tis is watching from afar or anear. I won't diatribe on the patent 'worthiness' of her FW, as I value my fingers too much to waste them that way.

I have caught up on this now, so sorry about Tis and the FWedness that her FW has done. It's something I worry about as well, so I can imagine the stress over it.

Seeing dr this week and going into more detail "for the record."

But I just want to scream.....

Alice, I hope you are okay. Good idea to get things on the record, also hope your gp is supportive. But I do so hope you are safe, sending you strength.

mrsm it is hard. I put my heart and soul into doing my house to make it nice, but FW always looked down his nose at it. I am working, slowly, at reclaiming it and making the space work. And planning the garden. It is not my dream home, that is a cottage by the sea somewhere, but it is mine. Have you been able to see a solicitor yet? They will be able to give you a clear picture of the situation re the house. There may be a way you can keep it. But for me the answer would be no, my self, my soul would be more important than a house.

FWIW, I had my very first wobble, what am I doing? today, after the phone call from FW when we were supposed to be away. I have felt anxious all day. Till I try to imagine the reality of being with him. I have begun to wonder if I imagined it, but I didn't. I am taking deep breaths and making lists and just going to try and keep focused. Because I will bet he did not spend today feeling sick with anxiety.

Anyway, after the fwittery generally at the weekend, I moved namely from winter to something more summery. Just in case any one was wondering.

Oh and just to add, I seriously felt earlier like jacking it all in and moving to that cottage by the sea. If only the money were there for that!

MrsM I kept my house against all odds. Might there be a way or would you have to win the lottery? What does sol say?

Alice scream here if you want to, maybe it's time to open the Vixens

butterflymeadow :) it's the rollercoaster of feelings - it goes on longer than you would think, healing is happening though.

Well I've too had a shocker of a day. And mostly my fault for once. Dropping DD at nursery I clipped a wing mirror of a parked car. I did the right thing and left a note. The man phoned me later and was very nice (obviously not a FW) but the upshot is it will cost worst case scenario £450. £450!!!!!!!!!!! for one poxy wing mirror. That is literally a quarter of the value of my car. Obviously I'm going to have to pay it. It doesnt seem worth putting through the ins as my xs is £300 and then I risk FW finding out and he would be mad and nasty. But £450!!! I could weep. I have wept! I can't stop thinking that I could have bought a lovely new sofa for my new house when I get it. Instead of the ebay one I'm planning. :( :( :( Hopefully it might be less than that if they can reuse some of it.

Thanks. Rant over

Well, I pay the whole mortgage as I earn a fair bit more than H but I can live at work for a few £ a month so it would seem to make sense for him to stay IYSWIM. I have continued to fail to see a solicitor...

MrsM you haven't got the idea yet... You must think what you want. Alright, divorce settlement is about financing both parties to move on, and of course, the DC, but if it would be best from your POV for you and DC to stay in house, that's what you should aim for.

IMHO - sorry seem be in a Silvery knows best mood Feel free to ignore...

£450??? Really? Did the mirror come off completely or was the glass broken? My dsis clipped mine, broke the glass and the electrics had to be redone and it was around £150. Can you maybe get advice from your insurance as to how to get a second opinion, or see the quote? Sympathy though, what a stressful situation.

Hello everyone,

Havent been on here for a while. I hope you are all OK. It was my daughters 3rd birthday today and I should be feeling happy and full of joy. And I am, for her, but I have felt so sad all day.

Made up my mind to leave the ex ages ago, but finances mean that I have to stay put until at least end of May.

I feel lonely and isolated. And then I realise I have felt this way for a very long time, and what I am feeling is no different really to any other day.

He says he wants to be 'civil' but why do I feel so wretched, and hurt when I am around him sometimes. Other times we can talk about things, laugh even. But today at soft play I got cross with him, it was over something minor but its not minor when I think about it. It's just one thing amongst many other things that irritate me about him now.

He then mocks me by saying 'You do love using all of these wonderfully descriptive terms to describe how I make you feel; broken, worthless etc'. He says it in this tone that makes me feel like I am making it up. I honestly think he feels I say these things for the sake of it!

So 3 years ago today my daughter was born, she had a lovely day. I put on a tea party spread, she had lots of gifts and she went to bed happy but today I just feel like I am dying inside.

And YY to what silvery says, MrsM, she is full of wise words. Why should you leave your beloved house because he makes your life unbearable there?!

Thanks also for your kind words to me, silver, rationally I know that to be true, but then the anxiety takes over. Still, three months ago, I had to write notes to myself to breathe. I remember that bit now, for the most part!

And YY to what silvery says, MrsM, she is full of wise words. Why should you leave your beloved house because he makes your life unbearable there?!

Thanks also for your kind words to me, silver, rationally I know that to be true, but then the anxiety takes over. Still, three months ago, I had to write notes to myself to breathe. I remember that bit now, for the most part!

Bless you EternalRose, see if you can keep silent instead of telling him how you feel. I know this sounds easy, but is so hard in practice when the hot bitter hurt is welling up inside you.

It was hard being under same roof with FW when I was divorcing him, and for the 6 months after we were divorced but negotiating settlement and then him buying a house. But it taught me to hold my tongue most of the time. Also to tell him the occasional thing I knew would annoy him - like cancelling his NI DD taken from our joint acct, not his business acct, after giving him 24 hours to do it himself.

Bounty...I did the same in December. I was so worried. I clipped the other guys door. He got a quote then I asked him to take it to a garage if my choice. His was cheaper. I gave him £100. He rang me two weeks later to say it cost £80 and did I want to collect my change! My mirror was damaged. I was quoted £200. Got one off e bay for £20 and fitted for another £20. So shop around. X sorrt to hijack

Good evening to all here, particularly those who are struggling tonight. Especially you eternal. You sound ever so low tonight

*I mean - to tell him the occasional thing - despite a certain amount of dread at thinking about telling him - and then just doing it. Yes, he sometimes erupted in a little boy's tirade of me being unfair - not that I was being - but so what?

Obv different if FW is physically dangerous though. The presence of DD some of the time (20 at the time) meant I felt safe.

I did that last year - but I suggested we called it quits, as both of us were moving in opposite directions on a narrow road and both had sustained equal damage. He looked kind of daggers then agreed. But twas just the glass in the mirrors, not the whole thing.

Bounty another vote for getting a second quote for the mirror. I opened my door onto someone else's in a car park and being honest left a note. It was a tiny scratch but on a rusty classic car
The quote he gave me was for £400 and I didn't believe hm and thought he would just pocket the money. So I found a garage and asked them to do the work and I paid them direct with cash once it was done.
£200 for being honest... but I would have been ashamed to do anything else. Think of the example you are setting your DC.

Good evening pati are the drinks in?? Mine's a

The casing came off but the glass was intact. But it's a posh mirror with indicator on it and apparantly the motor that moves the glass electronically is broken. So I guess it's way fancier than my bog standard one - which ironically survived unscathed! He wants it doing at a VW garage (I know - you'd think it would be at least a sodding Porsche at that cost) so the paint matches etc and I'm not sure if I can object to this. Sorry to hijack about a non EA thing. Daisy he did say worst case £450 so I'm just going to have to hope against hope that I get a refund like you. Well I offered to pay the garage direct and then at least I know it;s the true bill - although he seemed a nice man.

MrsM another one that thinks if you want to stay in your home and can afford it then why not? But it is hard getting to think of what your want instead of what does he want.

eternal Lovely to hear from you, but sorry your not happier. I think birthdays will always be hard as normal relationships must feel closer at that time remembering the magic birth. You need to think how far youhave come and that this is just a necessary stage to get through to find freedom. But hard I know.

silvery I'm smiling a bit at the thought of your FW discovering the DD had been cancelled. How very satisfying !

I know lemon for a micro second I considered driving on but I just couldn't. One of my colleagues had the same thing done to her and never found out who did it so had to pay herself and I felt so outraged for her. And then here I was considering the same thing. I'd like to think I was setting a good example to DD but in reality she is too young to understand and hopefully too young to remember the language that came out of my mouth