help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

Oh Spook, I am so sorry that you are in such agony. It doesn't mean you aren't doing well - the text you sent him was fine, and true.
His need to be 'kind' is really terribly cruel, and again, ducks responsibility. How dare he say that he can't love you the way 'you need him to love you', as if the problem is somehow your way of interpreting love, the problem is that he can't love you properly while he is floozying about with a bimbo! He has veered between blaming you, and absolving himself of responsibility due to fate/confusion etc.

NO-ONE would think that it was anything but natural for you to feel as lost and bereft as you do. Your shock and loss these last weeks has been extreme, don't feel you are doing badly if you collapse under the tremendous weight of your pain.
I can't think that there is any way to annul this pain of yours except to get through it minute by minute, and to love your boys and distract yourself with the valuable company of your friends. Use anything constructive you can think of to distract yourself: buy clothes, go to the gym and work yourself to exhaustion, develop a really healthy diet that requires out of the way shopping for obscure organic veg and cooking delicious meals, invite people round, take the boys to the park, build a rockery.....anything which gives you a sense of achievement just for one minute. Big hugs .

Don't know if this will make you feel better but this is what I did.

I wrote down a few things that 'ex-now' used to pee me off such as leaving a dirty loo behind and expecting me to clean it and it made me feel good that I was not the one having to do that anymore. If there's a food he doesn't like and you haven't had it for a while because of that, make sure you have it next meal (and flavour it up) - in my case, this was sweetcorn. Also, go out, pick the prettiest, most luxurious bedlinen you can find and treat yourself. It's all yours and your choice! You don't have to ask his opinion anymore

I think after Spooks little shop at Amozon a visit to Ann Summers may be more in order!!

Dear Spook, I really feel for you. You are in a horrible place but it will get better. Try to slow down a little. I could be misinterpreting your posts but you sound a bit panicky. Your H is going nowhere in a hurry. I know how very hard it is but try and ignore him and his texts for a while and concentrate on yourself and the children. I used to try and fill the day with activities that we could enjoy, so that I didn't have time to dwell on the awful state of my personal life. We live in a very "immediate" society but you really don't have to rush to take any action.
This probably sounds like such rubbish and I know how hard it is when you are hurting so badly you can barely see straight. Really thinking of you

Bugsy2.You're right.I am.I knew when he moved out this was going to take a long tme but I love him.I want him back.And I know this is totally out of the question right now.I know we have no hope until (and if) he realises his relationship with her is a nonsense.But it's so hard for me to comprehend because I am not the one who thinks she's in love with someone else.I have no doubts about my love for him and I can't see that if he's taken it this far he can ever return. I could never never let someone else get in my head this much.I would have gone long ago. I know this makes no sense but panic is the exact right expression to describe how I am feeling.Blind panic and heartbreak.

I think what Janstar and Blu said are hitting the nail on the head. You will always see him as you share your boys. Look after yourself and keep posting. I find it's helping me.

I may not be popular for these remarks and I have been lurking for a while to see how things develop but I've got to honestly say that I am amazed that you still want him back after all this. How could you ever trust him again? How could you let him touch you? How would you be able to restrain yourself from throwing it in his face everytime you had a row? Things would never be the way they were before.

For me it would be simpler to close that chapter on my love life and focus on the practicalities of money and child access. I worry that you are living with this fantasy that he will wake up one day and see the error of his ways and that while you have this fantasy you are just going to be a mess which is no good for anyone. I take it even further in that I worry that he might eventually come back after putting you and your kids through all kinds of heart ache and only THEN you would realise that you don't really want him back.

I understand that you are really hurt and upset and panicky - I am sure I would be too. And it might be too soon for you to be able to give up on the marriage, but I just worry that you are doing yourself so much damage from being so distraught that it will need to be taken in hand eventually. I hope I haven't offended.

Oooh possibly (re Ann Summers) but Spook, I bet you feel quite fragile at the moment (despite coming over like a brave girl) and remembering how I felt, sex in any form may be the last thing on your mind. I just wanted to feel like a 'woman' again. I wanted to love myself by being pampered IYSWIM. And that took a lot of effort because when he had the kids, I used to lie on 'our' bed sobbing my eyes out.

I totally agree with projects. Decorating helped me - it personalised the house into mine not ours (and boy was he mad!).

To give you all background when my 'ex-now' walked out, he left me aged 35, with dd aged 3 and ds aged 1, for - you've guessed it - the blonde in the office 10 years my junior. And yes, it had been going on for a while. He hummed and harred about whether he wanted to go. I told him to finish it with her. He then moved out because he wanted 'space'. Sounds familiar, Spook?

Oh I wanted him back so much. I was willing to forgive. We'd been married for 12 years and done so much together. And then I found I was married to a total stranger who became upset when I tried to contact him. This was all during the long hot summer of '95 but I didn't see much sunshine.

Things did eventually sort themselves out but not in the way I initially wanted them to. To describe what I went through, it was like falling into a muddy trough when you are sliding down a banking and can't get hold of anything. You don't know how far you have to fall but it's hurting and you are panicking as you fall deeper.

Spook, eventually you will land at the bottom. On the other side of the trough is a rugged but higher earth face. There will be two ways of getting up. It's possible that he may be waiting at the bottom and you may both have to start to climb your way out very slowly and carefully. Or you may have to do it alone (you know when you are ready to try when you 'let him go'. It will be a slow and cautious process but when you get to the top, you will look down onto the trough with a sense of achievement and satisfaction. You will also look across to the other side and realise you are on a much higher level and how strong you are (like I say, this will take time).

I hope I'm not rambling on too much. Something else I'e been thinking about. Do you have any 'single again' or 'still single' friends nearby? These people were invaluable to me at the time I needed them.

Spook, part if the reason that I am so affected by your posts, apart from the fact that you come across as such a lovely person, with integrity and values that matter, is that it is SO resonant of what my Mum went through, except that we children were not defenceless mites as yours are. The woman my dad ran off with was 24 (MY AGE at the time, YUK) and he was 52. She was a junior collegue of his, and the real tragedy was that like you and your h, they had a GOOD marriage. They had good conversations and communication. They visited art galleries together. After 2 years of stop-start seeing her and much destruction all round, she threw him out - on Boxing Day. He stayed away for 8 months, and then returned, asking to come back. And 20 years later, (yep, I'm OLD) they go to art galleries together, and have good communication.
But in the meantime she lay on the floor on the landing howling in between, slowly, making a life for herself that was not dependent on him.

I actually think that the fact that she - and he- now know that she CAN live without him was what gave her the courage to take him back.

Of course you still love him, and you are grieving for him, and for the love you shared. But he cannot offer you any solace or help with your feelings unless it is to return, free of his childish obsession. In the long run he may, or may not do that, but either way, you will do the very best for yourself by focussing on help that you can get from any direction but his.

I feel quite tearful about this. yes, partly remembering holding my Mum up, but also for the waste and abuse of your love for him.

Hi dottee and blu.Thankyou for taking the time to help me.I know this will take time.Umfortunately for me every second seems like an hour.EVERYTHING hurts.I've just realised there's a match tonight and after last weeks fiasco ofcourse I know he'll be taking her. I haven't heard from him today-seems like he's got the message,but ofcourse I am checking my e-mail every second and it's killing me.
And aussiesim..my love and my childrens happiness are enough for me.I still love him very very much and cannot turn that off.Hard though that may be for some to believe.And if I do get him back and then realise I can't do it then at least I have tried and done what in my heart I believed to be right.

Hi, Spook, I never seem to offer any useful advice just sorries you're feeling so bad. How are the boys? I know what helped me initially (well, to some degree) was being with friends and getting out of the "family" home at w/ends/having people to stay. It still helps. I really do empathise with every word you're writing. IT's unmitigated hell and I, too, would have done anything to keep family and home together - wisely/unwisely. IF I'd never been involved in such a situation personally I'm sure I'd be in agreement with the kick him out, how could you forgive him brigade. However, it's very different when you and your children are living it.

I know what you mean, Sykes, but Spook doesn't really have any choice considering he won't give up the other woman. I could fully understand taking him back if he did. But until he does it would just lead to more problems and more hurt.

Spook, it is so very early days yet. These things take a lot of time to get over. Don't let anybody try and tell you differently. It is hard enough living with the sadness without believing that you shouldn't be feeling that way.

It takes as long as it takes to heal. Allow yourself as long as you need.

Janstar - you're right. It will take as long as it will take.

Spook - I wanted him back from July through to the beginning of September, despite her moving in with him mid-way through August. When she did that I started protecting my welfare. That's something you must give thought to sooner rather than later. And when I filed for divorce, a part of me still wanted him back (but I was beginning to get stronger).

You do mourn for your family unit. (I still wonder why he waited until the kids came along to be that unhappy.) BTW, I am now happily engaged to dp - life does get better.

I have just had a meningitis scare with my little one and my other little boy has just put his teeth through his lip at school.Jesus.Can life be any shitter right now?? He just has no idea does he?? How can one person be so selfish and so stupid???

Is there someone around for you who lives local e.g. parent(s), sister(s)/brother(s)/

Hi dottee.My mum is here at the moment.Mixed blessings! But much better than being on my own I know that.

BLOODY HELL. What a horrible, horrible time you're having. Well, he can't cope with being confused and keeping his trousers on. You are HAVING to cope with heartbreak, devastation and the worry and anguish of sick and hurt children. You are both learning how weak he is in the face of choice, and how strong you can be because you have no choice.
Have chaged my mind about wanting to come to the pub for your b'day - I'd rather come and push him off the quay! (but I am sure that you still feel sensitive to criticism about him. It's his behaviour NOW that is open to question, not the essence of the man you fell in love with)

Hi Blu.I love him but I can assure you I am not in the least bit sensitive about critisism of him.He is a shit of the first degree.I know that.

SPLASH!

spook, no advice to give, but I wanted to say that your strength absolutely amazes me. Your children are so lucky to have a mother like you.
I think you have been given some wonderful supportive and positive advice from janster and others here. Given your attitude to life and this situation you find yourself in, I cannot believe that life won't be tons happier for you one day.

Hi spook

I would just like to be the 1st to wish you a very happy birthday for tomorrow morning (i'm sure you will get a few).

Please try to relax during your day. I know it will be hard for you. I'm not saying enjoy it, just relax through it.

If you feel yourself welling, just take deep breaths and if it doesn't work then don't feel bad for being upset.

You have such strength. I really admire how you are dealing with everything.

You can do this, you are strong. Just get through it bit by bit and one day you will realise that you don't think about him all day and you will get over your anger.

Whatever your outcome, you will one day feel better. Just hold on through the storm. Calmer seas are ahead.

Big hug for your birthday

Thankyou so much wintye. You are a really lovely person.I hope you're managing OK?
I printed your poem off about the children and am carrying it around with me.
And thanks tigermoth.I don't really understand it when people say I'm strong.If I was strong I would be embarking on my new life without him instead of clutching at hopeless straws and I wouldn't be turning to a computer screen for solace every 10 minutes!! But crikey-it really does help.Sometimes I check in and I'm holding my breath praying for a reply on the thread.Just to know you're all out there is such a comfort.THANKYOU!!XXXX (from a 37 year old singleton!!)

Happy Birthday Spook!! Hope you enjoy your time with your friends. xx

Spook
Happy birthday. I hope you can make the day a nice one, even although I know its not the way you would ideally like to be spending your day!

More than anything though, I wish that your birthday marks the beginning of a new period in your life. I wish for you to find peace and happiness over the next year, that amid all the pain and anguish will come some light that pulls you towards a better life.

Enjoy your day with your boys and your friends.

We will all be thinking of you, especially today.

Much love Jxx

Happy Birthday Spook. I have just read the whole of this thread and want tos end you plenty of cyber hugs and positive thoughts down the wires. If anyone deserves to have a fantastic day it is you. We have got loads of lovely white snow here at the moment and I hope you have a beautiful morning too. Wintye?s poem made me cry, I am glad it touched you too and I think I will go and print off a copy for myself in a mo as it is a good reminder that whatever else is going on in our lives, having young children to love and who love us so unconditionally makes us just about the luckiest group of people alive.