help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

I think you did the right thing. I think you should arrange plenty of contact for the boys' sake more than anything. But make him stick to arrangements and not walk in any time he feels like it.

He will suffer by losing his position in the family unit and losing your support and love. This will be a big loss I think, and isn't anything to do with arranging contact with the children.

Well done on all the birthday arrangements. You deserve some fun.

Good for you......you did the right thing because at the end of the day the boys do still need their Dad whatever he has done. Well done...you are moving on and that will make the relationship with H easier for you too. Have fun at the weekend.

Yep, ditto all that! Your birthday arrangements sound excellent. And I really like Dollyd's phoning arrangement: it would mean he had to commit himself to a regular responsibility, and couldn't catch you off guard when you aren't up to dealing with it in your 'Strong Dignified' role! Also a good secure routine for the boys of when they talk to him. It sounds as if you are doing very well indeed at the moment.

I wish we could all come to the pub for your birthday!

Oh dear.No I'm not blu. I just had a text from him saying he didn't have time to fill in all the solicitors forms I dropped off at his office yesterday (which I gave him over a week ago)He would "try" and do them next week.So I texted him to check I had enough money in my account and he asked when he could drop my birthday present off.This really pissed me off so I phoned him and told him I didn't want anything off him-certainly not presents-give it to her.All I want from him is money to bring these boys up.I hung up then sent him a text saying "You have absolutely NO IDEA what you and her have done to this family.I hope one day you get it."
And now I feel sick and panicky and really really sad.

You were perfectly justified to say that, Spook. He just doesn't seem to think about it enough to reach these elementary conclusions himself.

I feel like I am having some sort of breakdown.Every nerve in my body is screaming.My little one is really ill and I just can't function.How can I go on like this day in day out for ever and ever. His office called me at 11 this morning and he still wasn't even in.So where was he??In bed with her,thats where! AAGGHH.

Spook, I'm so sorry. Don't give yourself a hard time about the text. It's the truth. He's trying to pretend it's all okay, you'll be fine and can be friends. How sodding ridiculous. I wish I could help you to feel better. Can you get a friend over?

Spook, you can and you will get through this. Your kids need you.

My kids do not know that they saved my life when I was depressed. Because of them I could not commit suicide or become an alcoholic. They saved my life and they don't know it.

He has sent me this e-mail and it has made me very very sad.Everything just seems so final.I have now had a row with my mother and yelled at the boys and I am falling apart.My beautiful husband is in love with someone else.

I am so sorry about the way this has turned out. My actions do not
diminish the fact that
you are a beautiful, warm, lovely woman.I love my
family, those boys are so perfect and I miss them terribly.
I am in the most confused place I have ever been.
I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to play pretend on your
birthday,
I just have something for you and wanted you to have it.
Let me know when you're out tomorrow and I'll leave it in the shed if
you
like but I know you couldn't care less about presents under the
circumstances.
I have no idea where anything will end up. I may not be able to
love you the way you need to be loved
but I do love you.
x

God, that's so sad spook. So sorry this is happening to you (((((HUGS)))))

Oh Spook, huge cyberhug for you. Where do you live, is there anybody who can pop over to keep you company for a while, perhaps make you some supper or something while you have a good cry in the bath?

Spook, maybe one day the love he has for you while he is sleeping with someone else will be something you welcome. That will be in the future when you are over this if you manage to be friends with him.

For now, whether he means his words kindly or not, his love isn't of much value to you when you want the whole man in the role of devoted husband.

I grant you this is better than his saying he can't stand the sight of you, but how much comfort can it be at the moment?

It is best you pay little regard to such messages and continue to focus on yourself and your children.

Let him be confused. Perhaps it will lead him to some clarity. But that is not your concern. Please just focus on yourself.

I would be inclined to ask him how he thinks his gift will make you feel. However lovely a gift it is it is going to have sad associations for you. I think he is giving it to assuage his guilt. You would be better off without it I think. His best gift would be to stop tormenting you.

Superb post janstar. Agree about the gift - I would find it too painful to accept it, and it would forever hold terrible memories. As janstar says, the greatest gift would be for him to stop sending messages like this which prolong the agony you are going through.

You poor thing.......he is sending you so many mixed signals that you could really do without. It does sound to me like he is in some sort of crisis but that is of no concern to you at the moment, Spook. If I were you I would disregard the email for now and concentrate on the boys... they need you and you need them. Your H needs to sort himself out and then you can lay the rules down with him. Stay strong.

I can't stop thinking about his saying he is sorry for the way things have turned out.

The expression 'turned out' makes it sound as if fate dealt the cards and he was its passive victim.

How did he expect it to 'turn out' when he decided to break his marriage vows?

Oh Spook, bless you you poor thing. I'm So sorry. However with the likes of Janstar on your side with her amazing words of wisdom I know you'll be okay. Keep strong. Thinking of you. xx

Spook

I've finally caught up with reading all this thread. Oh I know how you are feeling as I've been there myself. It hurts and there's no other pain like it!

I'm 9 years on and there's a lot of water passed under my bridge but a few points have sprung to mind about what's happening at present.

Although I hated 'now-ex's' guts, I did not stop him seeing the children. I felt like doing so but in restropect, I'm glad I never denied him access and he now maintains a great relationship with them and is civil with me.

I also protected my financial matters. I went to the bank and explained the situation. The manager immediately gave me an overdraft faciltity. My solicitor outlined my options but it was inevitably up to me to start proceedings when I wanted to. Please make sure you are safe financially as soon as you feel you are able to.

Nine years ago, I did change the locks but my solicitor advised me that 'now-ex' still had legal 'right of access' because he was still paying the mortgage and had not signed his equity over to me. Please check on your position.

Sorry to be so boringly cold and practical. Please be assured that you are in my thoughts and I am emotionally supporting you all the way.

Try and have a great birthday. Enjoy yourself girl. Where are you off to - have you decided yet?

By that I mean are you and your mates planning to paint the town red on your night out?

Hi spook You seem to be the bravest person I know. I have just caught up on all the thread and can't believe what this man has put you through. I think that you're boys should obviously stay in touch with their father as you have said and you should try and push on with your life. He has said in his email that he loves you but he can't love you how you want him too. If he can't love you how you deserve then he doesn't deserve you. This will be really hard to accept I know. I am so sorry for all you are going through. I am suffering post-natel depression and am currently struggeling to get through the day myself for different reason's. You have given me strengh as you seem so strong. A friend sent the following email to me and it's really sad but helped me to put my life into some perspective, if only for a couple of days. It's about our children.

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us toMcDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys..

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.............

Hi. I am a 29 year old father. Me and my wife have had a wonderful life together. God blessed us with a child too. Our daughter's name isRachel, and she is 10 years old. Not long ago did the doctors detect brain cancer in her little body. There is only one way to save her and that is an operation. Sadly we don't have the money for the operation. AOL and Zdnet have agreed to help us. The only way they can help is this:

If you send this email to other people, AOL will track this email and count how many people get it. Every person that opens this email and sends it to at least 3 people will give us 32c. Please help us. George Arlington.

Just to confirm a friend sent me the email and the bottom part of the message is also part of the email.

How are you doing today Spook?

Hello everyone.Pretty terrible but trying. I more or less copied out Janstars post last night and sent it to him-about how this love for me means nothing at the moment and a present will only make me sadder.Haven't heard anythig back so maybe he got the message.God I just love him so much.You know the hardest part? I miss him.I really really miss him.Who would I turn to before if I felt this desperate?Him.If it wasn't for the fact that the boys need me I would definately not be here now. The only thing getting me through these last few days is knowing that I'm going to see him on Saturday when he picks the boys up.God I am SO PATHETIC.

Wintye - I have had this poem in my filofax for the best part of a year -I read it every now and then and feel soooo lucky.

Spook - Have a great birthday and don't even factor him into it - let him leave his litlle gift in the shed and if you are really daring you can ring him and ask for the reciept cause you don't like it.

Things got unbearable for me over the course of my battle for DD but I coped with it - sometimes better than others and I really believe that we just have to cope once we have children - we have absolutely no choice in the matter - you'll get there and look back in astonishment on what you have been through - it will be a long and hard road but hopefully you will reach a time in your life when you realise that all the pain was worth it and you have never been happier. XXX

Yes, Spook, Twinkie is right. You will have good times again in the future.

Remember the words and this too will pass.

Life holds no guarantees for any of us, and all too soon it is over. Devastating things happen in our lives but we have to survive them and move on to better things so that we can get the best out of our lives. Quiet, sad times are the times when our energy lies dormant, like a seed in the earth waiting for rain. We gather together all our resources and build ourselves into strength. Then the rain comes and we burst into life again.

Sit tight and take the greatest care of yourself and your sons - make order out of the chaos of you emotions and gather your new strength together. Rain will come soon enough, and with it, new life.