help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

Spook, they were going to be together while you were away anyway. What's done is done, if you couldn't help it then who can blame you. As you say, a human being can only take so much.

Perhaps the other girl will talk some sense into them.

Try and get some peace while you are away and collect your thoughts: regain your composure, to use an old-fashioned term. At least now you will know if he was only playing at being nice to stop you spilling the beans.

Honey - before you go print off and fill in the CSA forms - as soon as you get back and he moves out send them - lets see how long him living in a loft apartment works.

Honey - please do not blame yourself for any of this - even yuo ringing this woman - at the end of the day it was his sorry actions that started the ball rolling - your actions are justr cause and effect.

He is an utter bastard!!!!!

Sending you love and cyber hugs.....you have been trough so much it is not suprising you flipped in the way you did....sound slike he was keeping you sweet so you did not blow the lid off the whole thing....

Hope you gain some inner peace over the next week
xxx

A Black Eye? Can't help cheering!
Spook, don't know if you will get any more messages before you go, but I DO understand why you have tried and tried again to accept him, keep him, and re-build this marriage right now. But he is drunk and insensible on his panic and heady affair. He has no right to hate you for reacting to what he is doing, as Twinkie says, cause and effect. And as for the 'bad mother 'bit, in the first place I'm quite sure it isn't true, and in the second, it is the most illogical reason to de-stabilise a marriage and inflict tension on children. Complete nonsense. Adults do not deal with problems in a marriage by running of with bimbos. He is making up stories in a desparate attempt to slough off guilt. HAVE NONE OF IT. Nothing is going to make the next few months comfortable or happy for you, but remember that you have done nothing wrong, you HAVE been an excellent mother to the boys even in the heart of this trouble, and you are still the fabulous valuable person you were all along. it is him, and his behaviour that has changed.
Take you time away, and come back in all your strength.
Love and hugs.

Well done Spook! Have a peaceful time on Spain and look forward to hearing from you on your return.

Well said, Blu.

Hi everybody.Well. he's gone.I went to Spain and he picked me off the floor on Wednesday and I went-Christ what misery.Yes it was hot and yes my dad was wonderful-but I've still got the same head.The 3 hour flight felt like 300 hours.He didn't contact me atall-except on my last night a terse text saying"got a flat.when shall I leave"He actually pointed out that I hadn't bothered to contact him either.I texted him to ask about the boys but knew he didn't want to speak to me so didn't call.Anyway I got back last night-seeing the boys wasn't even as wonderful as I thought.He has taken away my soul.
He held me on the sofa last night telling me he'll always love me and how sorry he is.He went to bed snoring his head off leaving me to listen to old music in a totally wallowing way and lo and behold!!What do I find? Well I knew he'd gone to the match on Weds night.A decision which I disagreed with-after the traumatic night the kids had the night before and I also thought it pathetic that he got his bloody mother in the first night he's alone.Anyway I asked him loads of questions about it-and even asked him outright if he'd taken her.I even texted him during it coz I was watching it in Spain!!He was very un-forthcoming about it but denied point blank that he'd taken her.But there they were.The 2 tickets in his pocket.To cut a (very) long story short, I threw him out last night once and for all. He even broke the door down coz I had his phone and he needed it to get hold of her.
He is fucking UNBELIEVABLE.This has really really shocked me as to the depth of his obsession with her that he would do something which I think is just so bloody cruel.He has now lied to his mother for Gods sake.I will have great glee in telling her this today.She has been absolutely NO help to me throughout this whole thing.
Anyway he calls me at 3am asking if I'm alright but really just wanting to know what I'm going to tell the boys.Then he texts me at 4am saying "I'm so sorry" FUCK OFF"
Oh and something else I did last night which I'm so proud of.I called HER MOTHER!!!Who she lives with-but I knew she wouldn't be there coz she'll be with him. I said who I was and the line went quiet and a voice in the background says"you mustn't answer the phone to that bitch"Charming.Nice family.
Sohere you have it...she hasn't run a mile through guilt/the band have not collapsed/her family have not disowned her.All things he claimed would happen once this whole sad sorry despicable dirty affair was out in the open.

Oh,and I also found out that after that terrible night on Tuesday when it all exploded and he locked himself in the toilet for gods sake to warn her that I was telling the other girl in the band he was on the phone to her for 2HOURS!!!!after I collapsed into bed hating myself.Under his own roof!!

Hi Sobernow.Thankyou for your message.Are you saying there's still a chance he'll come back to his senses? Is it me or is the fact that he was with her on Weds night appalling.I know I have let myself down by contacting all thses people but I just want to HURT HER.You can understand that can't you???Please?!

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How are you feeling? Sorry it's so awful. How are the boys?

hi spook, im new to mumsnet, and i hope you dont mind me adding my bit, but i went through almost exactly the same thing ten years ago. now that he has gone, everything changes, and the things that made her so attractive will become less so, the thing that you have to do is to take control because up til now they have had it all. The way i did it was to make sure that he knew that our home was now my home and we was not allowed to treat it as home, i made sure if there was the slightest chance of him seeing me that i had full make up on and i never let him see that i was unhappy he needs to see you as the woman he was attracted to in the first place not the emotional wreck he has made you. he has access to our boys but only on a pre-arranged basis. after a week he was begging to come back, but i told him i wasnt prepared to talk about it until i was sure that it was all over between them. he then moved from her house into a freinds house for three months and that made him put all his energies into winning me back and take his mind off missing her, sorry its so long by the way, and i hope this helps, its really hard, but you sound so strong and im sure you can do it.

Hi everyone.Dollyd thanks for your advice.It all makes perfect sense and is exactly what I intend to do.I have just this second called a locksmith to change the locks and I do not want him seeing the boys till the weekend.My eldest is absolutely devastated and for this week they need me and stability and routine and not him swanning in and out. If those boys are as important as he says they are to him then he wouldn't have done this to them.I just found out that he even lied to me about when he picked my little one up when I was in Spain.He was supposed to pick him up at 1 but in reality the poor little mite went into after-school till 3.30.He's 4 for gods sake! Lying has become so natural and easy for him he makes me feel sick.
Hi Sykes.My 7 year old in very very upset.I told them yesterday and he spent the day staring into space with tears in his eyes.He is so sensitive and insular anyway.They are my main priority and always will be.It breaks my heart to see my child suffer because of his despicable behaviour.

Hi Spook. I'm sorry things didn't get any better while you were away. I'm afraid I think it is going to take much longer before your h even starts to grasp the consequences of his actions.

I agree with what others have said. Now it is time to focus on yourself and the boys. Plan your life assuming he will not be part of it, and let him do (as dollyd says) the work of winning you back, if he manages to gain enough maturity.

You mustn't waste another moment in worrying about what will happen to him, or hurting his feelings. And don't entertain for a minute these suggestions from him and his cronies that you might be to blame for anything. You can hold your head up high as you have kept your vows and been faithful to your commitment, you have conducted yourself with integrity.

Now he is a big boy and must look after himself. You must take each day as it comes. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but these life-changing, devastating happenings also represent opportunities. When you have healed enough to be constructive again, revive your dreams and ambitions and make them happen. I was a single mum for years, and despite the hardships it is also a rich life with much freedom. It may not be a freedom you would wish for but nevertheless it can be a valuable thing.

Remember I am here for you any time you want a few days away, with or without your boys.

Spook. I just wanted to say something about your H's other woman. When I was 19 I started a relationship with a married man. He had an 18 month old ds and she was 8 months pg. They were living apart at the time and I was led to believe that they were splitting up, but with hindsight, I doubt that was true. He left her for me and she was understandably distraught and angry. In my naivety and stupidity I wrote off her hysteria as she was "mad", and she was just proving that he was too good for her and we were in the right because we were in love. Needless to say our relationship didn't last - I certainly wasn't in love, just lust. It lasted 2 and a 1/2 years during which time he suffered horribly at what he had done to his children and in which he clung to me like a drowning man, which did nothing but push me away even faster. When I finally told him I was leaving he became violent, not at me directly, he just trashed our house, destroying the things that I held most dear. I am now in my mid-thirties and have children of my own, and I can't believe the way I behaved back then, it is as if it was someone else. I have changed my name from my usual chat name for this because I would hate for anyone here to associate me-now with my actions then. If your H's new partner is any kind of decent human being underneath all this appalling behaviour, she will suffer for her actions for the rest of her life. I wish you so much luck and think you're doing fantastically. Thinking of you and your boys.

Thanks Janstar.I have to be strong.Yesterday was horrible.Knowing that your husband has left you for someone else and he is very probably with her that second.But I will have to accept that now,and as everyone-and I mean everyone-has said to me,the shine and excitement and lust of that relationship will not last forever.The locksmith is coming at 4.30.Big move eh!
Incredulously my friend who found his flat said that he was quizzing her about age difference(she is alot younger than her husband) and asking her if it was a problem so he's obviously looking to a future with her.Fucking audacity of the man-asking one of my best friends if his sordid affair can work!
IS HE OR IS HE NOT A COMPLETE BASTARD!!

Sorry about my language mumsnetters.I do realise it has deteriorated rapidly over the last few weeks!

That's the last thing you need to worry about! I can't imagine anyone here caring, if it makes you feel better.

HE IS A COMPLETE FUCKING WANKING C*NTING TWAT OF AS BASTARD!! (My goodness me - see your little outburst seems tame now!!)

Spook good on you for organising to change the locks - have you also downloaded the form for the CSA yet?? I mean once he is shelling out 15% of everything will he have enough money to live with this fantastic single (or with her) life???

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