help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

Hi stillashamed and thankyou for being so honest.This is exactly what I know she will think of me.He will have spun her a yarn about how terrible our marraige was etc etc. and everything I have done in the last few days-call her,her best friend,her mother will back up exactly what she thinks of me.Some hard bitch who drove a wonderful warm man away.I know that.One day-and believe me I wouldn't wish this on any other human being-but one day I really hope this happens to her.

Hello Spook, oh yes, he is a complete and utter bastard - or at least doing his best impression of one. He really has lost all perspective, and I 'm afraid that nothing you do do or don't do will change that, certainly until his new fantasyland life turns difficult, a bit like real life.
His behaviour while you were away really stinks. Dumping the boys with his Mum so he could go out with her, not picking the little one up. Selfish and self-centred. But the truth is if he can't even prioritise time with his little boys, he certainly isn't going to take responsibility for what he has done to you.

So, so sorry that this time is so painful for you, but just remember that he can offer you no help at all in making you feel better. He isn't the person who can help you now, although he has caused you this pain, he is not the person who can make it better for you. Can you wipe out any expectation that anything he may say or do might be of comfort to you, and actively seek support from other friends?
He has behaved very badly, you have behaved mostly very well, with occasional outbursts of stuff which is at the very least understandable! (has his black eye subsided, tee hee?)(I once had a relationship with someone who told me he had split from his ex. Then she rang up and the opposite became clear, the next thing, she was at my door. By that time I had heaped his belongings up on the doorstep, and she started ripping up his shirts. The he walked back into the middle of it and I kicked him REALLY hard).
It sounds as if you live in a lovely part of the world: beach, dunes, quay. You and your boys CAN be a strong family out there in the icy winds, a tight strong unit whichever way the tides turn. You are clearly strong and intelligent and passionate, turn your back on this man who is behaving immaturely, and form a protective windbreak, bracing yourself against the pain and sheltering your boys.
He IS a bastard, and you are NOT.
XXXXXXXXX

Hi girls.Have been clothes shopping-spent some more of his money and had the locks changed.Onwards and upwards...

Good for you. What did you buy?

2 dresses,a pair of jeans and 3 t-shirts.All size 8!!!

Retail therapy does help ... must do some more. Hope you're feeling a bit better.

I hope you are eating a bit more now. You mustn't get any thinner.

hi spook - i have just come back to mumsnet after a brief time away so have only just caught this thread. i just wanted to say that i think you are doing amazingly well - you have acted with total dignity most of the time and the few blips you have had are to be expected. I think the advice you have been given by other who have worked through a similar situation is spot on. You will get to the otherside - probably a stronger and happier person.

My own dad has betrayed both my mum and his second wife in his time - and i can honestly say he has never ever grasped the enormity of what he has done to either of these women or to his kids, but in the end - he is the one who has ended up lonely and sad. even though he has really hurt me in my time - i guess i can honestly say that it is he i feel sorry for now.

i guess what i am trying to say is that i feel it is important that you focus on yourself and your kids and begin to work out what you want from your life without him. then if life later includes him - you have still got your grounding and your focus and he is a bonus if you see what i mean. but if he doesn't return you have been building a new life, rather than waiting, wasting time and becoming bitter if you know what i mean????? my mum never really did this - she was so very bitter and in fact still is (27 years later!) - i think it is this that did more damage to me than the fact my dad wasn't around.

Those are very very wise words percy and thankyou.I know more than anything that I have to be a ray of sunshine for those boys.I will not have them looking back on an unhappy childhood with a bitter mother. My eldest is terribly disturbed by this and he has behaved very badly towards me tonight.He called me a liar-oh how I would love to have screamed "it's not me who's the liar here!!" but I would never and will never say a bad word about their father to them.Not for him but for them

at the same time spook - don't give yourself too hard a time about it at the moment - i don't think you need to be a ray of sunshine currently. allow yourself some anger for a short while- you are only human.

your son will of course be lashing out at the only person he trusts to be around always - his mum. this means you are a very special person to him. he'll get through it, especially with a mother who clearly cares so very much about protecting him from too much hurt!!!! you sound like a super mum to me - don't listen to any criticisms from a man who clearly puts himself before his family.

Good morning.Help me today please.I feel so sad.I hardly slept and have woken up feeling desolate.The little one is asking where daddy is and I just can't believe what is happening to me.I changed the locks against my own husband for gods sake. He texted at 10 o clock last night asking how the boys were at school.If he was so concerned he would have been in touch all day long asking about them.
She has such a hold over him even his own children aren't that important to him anymore.I know this is only day 3 for goodness sake and it could take forever to come to a final conclusion but its so hard.

Hi Spook. I'm sorry you had such a bad night. Unfortunately that is the worst time when you are broken-hearted. What has happened to you is devastating and it will take time to get over it. But you will do and you will become richer along the way.

Changing the locks against your husband seems like drastic action, I know, but it was the right thing to do. He has chosen to make his home elsewhere and if he feels he can walk in and out whenever he likes it is going to mess up your head. You surely have the right to a little privacy to help you heal. If your marriage is mended you will give him a key, it's a very easy thing. For now it is certainly best that he is made to realise that his actions have consequences.

Whilst I would not want to spend nights as you are doing, those awful lonely and sad times are all part of the healing process. I would be more worried if you didn't experience that awfulness, because it would be an indication that you were unable to face the pain, and an early sign that you might break down or suffer some kind of illness. If you can bear to go through those nights you will work through everything and come out the other side as sweet and loving a person as you went in.

Perhaps thinking about that will help. Focus on the new you that will emerge, in time from the other side of this dark cloud, someone who has admirably faced this time of trouble and allowed it to teach her and strengthen her.

Try to do something nice for yourself every day that would not be possible if h were still around. Do something you enjoy that he wouldn't want going on. Gradually you will find things to like and look forward to in your freedom and they will give you relief from your misery.

I wish I were nearer, I would be straight round with a large chocolate cake and a few bottles of wine. It's only a band-aid on a big wound, but these little things count in the end.

Hi Spook, I too am sorry that you had a bad night, but it is gone now! Today is a NEW day! After every storm the sun shines and there is a rainbow to remind us of the bigger picture. Seems to me that he is quite purposely still infiltrating you via the txt, which probably make you twitchy? Everytime your phone alerts you, you're hoping it's him, so in a way he still has control. I can imagine it is awful for you when your boys are asking where daddy is, and you are right to be as dignified as you have been throughout (despite the well earned black eye! Hurrah for Spook!!). Changing the locks is nothing more than a safeguard for your sanity, don't look at it as a metaphor of your relationship.
He needs to see you as the gloriously beautiful and mysterious creature you were when you met. Now you are still all these things and a mother too. You can maybe in time forgive him, but you will never forget.

I hope your day improves. Fill today with positive things, be it watching a cool movie, or visiting friends, more retail therapy, a walk, hours on the phone, etc. Although you feel it, you are not alone. You may be without him for now, but this time will give you a chance to blossom into something more than you are already. Chin up spook, there's a new moon, so a new phase can start!!

Thankyou Janstar and Beckif.You are working your wonders on me.

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Hi spook , i agree with the others, you have done the right thing getting the locks changed, he hasnt offered you a key to his flat has he? the 1st week is the hardest, because you are the one facing all the anger from your son and dealing with your own pain, but hang in there it will get better, if i were you i wouldnt tell him anything about your life, when he picks up the kids make sure you look your best and if he asks you where you are going, tell him it is none of his business, (it isnt) knowing he is wondering where you are will give you that bit of power back and that really helps to deal with the pain.
you are doing great, keep it up.

So get this right.He's been trying to get hold of me all day to ask about the boys.Eventually I texted him that they are devastated-what does he expect.But I am taking care of them.So he leaves this pathetic message how much he needs to see them.Maybe we could all do something on Friday.So I text him back-"Friday is my birthday.You can collect them at 2 on Sat and bring them back at 5" He texts back "I know it's your birthday!Thats why I want to come over" (still with me??) So I text back "I'm busy"
Does he really think I've made no plans just in case he fucking calls.
My little one has been telling his teachers today how sad he is because his daddy doesn't live with us anymore and my 7 year old is becoming more and more insular.Well done dh.

Spook there are some great books you can get on Amazon to explain divorce/seperation to children - you could have mine but they are at the mo winging their way to SB34!!

Good for you not letting him interupt your birthday - do something with your boys that you will all enjoy.

You are coping tremendously well - Good Wishes to you and Happy Birthday for Friday XXX

Thanks Twinkie.Have just ordered a book called "Where's Daddy" Hopefully will help us all. Have also ordered some book of womens sexual fantasies which will hopefully help me!Hope my mothers gone when that package arrives..

LOL, Spook! Good woman!
What ARE you doing on your birthday?

Hi girls. Well Blu I am going to the pub with some friends at lunchtime,then I'm going to have a birthday tea with the boys,then I'm going out with some other friends that night then on Saturday night I'm going out with some OTHER friends!
Then on Sunday presumably I'm dead.

Hi everyone.He called at 7.30 this morning and left a message that he was really desperate to talk to the boys.I thought about it and thought no-then I decided I couldn't use them to hurt him and it may help my 7 year old so I let my little boy call him.He texted me back straight after saying "thankyou" Was I right or wrong?
I know he needs to suffer and realise what he's done.I think maybe I should've just left it for them to see him on Saturday.What do you think girls???

yes you did the right thing, what i did was arrange for dh to ring at a certain time each night, and let ds1 answer the phone, that way the boys still knew their dad had,nt abandoned them, but he had no contact with me, good on you for getting out,and enjoying yourself, i know it can sometimes feel like your pretending to but it becomes real soon enough