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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up Confused

OP posts:
ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 07/04/2013 18:04

Excellent LV, enjoy your appetite! Grin

NotSoNervous · 07/04/2013 18:49

What a brill friend! I'm glad you have her OP

swallowedAfly · 07/04/2013 18:58

think it's being in water - water conducts heat away from your body much much faster than air so your metabolism really works hard to keep you warm as well as meet the exercise demands. i used to be a diving instructor and i would eat like a horse when working.

xxdriftwoodxx · 07/04/2013 19:08

Hi looserville,,,,, I am in a similar position and I am still in the home with my H, he doesn't know I know he us up to his old tricks... Like you said it is hard for females who stay with their husbands or partners but I promise you your admiration is wasted up on us..... I wish I had been more like you.... To drift along as though nothing has happened doesn't work or solve the issue ,,,,, it only happens again but next time they try to hide their relationships or what ever and keep things close to their chest, as you have found out the victim( you) turns out to be the Gillian in his relations or friends eyes ... You are neither, you are standing by what iscrightvand wrong... You only have one life...

LoserNoMore · 07/04/2013 19:13

She's a star. It was nice to see another grown up too.

Note the NM due to popular demand Wink

Oh and H wants to meet on Wednesday, the girls are at childminder and I have a half day so would be a good time. I want to discuss arrangements to see the girls, don't know what his agenda is.

lovesmileandlaugh · 07/04/2013 19:16

LV, I've followed your story and I don't want to feel like a rubber necker. I just wanted to say that you are a remarkable woman and I have a lot of admiration for how you have got through the last few days. I haven't anything to add that others haven't said, but you've been in my thoughts. Love and best wishes to you and your darling children. Stay strong!!

Ruprekt · 07/04/2013 19:17

Great namechange OP!GrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

LoserNoMore · 07/04/2013 19:18

Driftwood, I'm sorry you're going through that and I hope you get the outcome you want. You deserve better.

Sugarice · 07/04/2013 19:20

Wonder what he wants LNM?, a 'please have me back' begging chat or 'I can't believe you're chucking 12 years away' shite.

Be prepared, do you want to see him?

lazarusb · 07/04/2013 19:24

Good name change Smile Maybe write a few ideas down to take with you to keep the discussion focussed on what you want & need. He's given up his right to lead any decisions in this area.

FWIW, my Mum cheated on my Dad for 3 years with his best friend. He would have had her back for at least a year after the initial discovery (by bf's wife Sad). I'm glad he didn't though. My brother & I were so angry with her. Angry she could do that to him & to our family.

woopsidaisy · 07/04/2013 19:27

Love the new name!

So glad you got out for a bit, where would we be without friends ?

LoserNoMore · 07/04/2013 19:29

I want to see him to discuss arrangements to see the girls. Writing some things down is a good idea. He will probably try and steer the conversation towards him and how sorry he is...maybe not. Maybe he's shacked up with OW.

swallowedAfly · 07/04/2013 19:32

neutral location LNM - somewhere public where he can't cause a scene like a cafe. don't have him in the house for it.

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 19:32

Are you really going to spend your precious free half day with him?

You can sort out access arrangements over the phone.

swallowedAfly · 07/04/2013 19:33

also be prepared with lines re: 'i have no desire to discuss your sordid love life', 'i have no interest in you trying to turn this around on me', 'i am here to discuss what is best for the girls', etc.

forgetmenots · 07/04/2013 19:34

Great name change!

I would second the idea of a neutral venue, and have a time limit in mind, don't let him sidetrack you. Not that I think he could! Go LNM!

xxdriftwoodxx · 07/04/2013 19:36

Thank you LNM, I truly admire you and I wish I was more like you! Unfortunately after 8 years of this I am slightly immune in one way but not in another , my H started like yours and many others, they behave after initial forgiveness but the crave draws them and off they go again. They use the days they are not up to anything to justify themselves, there are weeks months they do nothing and then it drops on your doorstep again, time and time agin like a drug..... They wear us down so much that we are a shadow of the women we were.... Do what ever YOU feel is right for you, but please don't let him bring you down to his level... So far he hasn't and won't as you are so strong but in many cases we are left not knowing what is right or wrong...
You have lots if support on mums net as I did too, unlike you I haven't done anything.......you will be a stronger person after all this I promise you ...virtual hugsxxx

CabbageLeaves · 07/04/2013 19:37

Agree re neutral location. Make it run in a businesslike manner. In your house he'll have a relaxation of his boundaries. He needs to be reminded that he's no longer your significant other. He is the children's parent and you need to have contact for that reason alone.

Any other issues he has...are his alone. Don't be drawn. Stick to your agenda. He will try to wheedle, draw sympathy, apologise, make friends, remind you...etc.

It will confuse and upset. Tbh I'd probably say we can discuss everything via email and refuse contact. Good choice of name :)

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/04/2013 19:48

So proud of how well you are doing. Your friend sounds fab.

Stay strong x

LoserNoMore · 07/04/2013 19:52

I guess discussing this over email is a better idea, then everything is in writing. No way would I be having him at the house. I've not replied to him yet anyway.

CabbageLeaves · 07/04/2013 19:57

Everything in writing is safe, neutral and a lack of civility and emotional blackmail is harder to excuse. Face to face, he'll risk it and try it on

NotSoNervous · 07/04/2013 19:58

Great name change!!

swallowedAfly · 07/04/2013 20:05

up to you LNM whether you want to do this solely by email or if you want/need to face him. if you do meet him i'd put anything agreed in writing anyway and email him saying do you agree this is what we arranged when we met today?

could all be done by email however i think there's more chance of him 'getting it' that it is over and you're not just playing face to face personally.

sneezecakesmum · 07/04/2013 20:06

Second the online billing check. I am able to check DHs but he's too boring to cheat!

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/04/2013 20:28

The good thing with email is that you can prove what was agreed and that if he gets abusive it's against the law.

We had Dh's ex arrested for abusive text messages, the police took it seriously.