This doesn't look good does it?

[Loserville]

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up

Lol at it doesn't have to be this way, code for you just be a good little wife and forgive and forget, there's a good girl.

It would kill me if dh cheated and I would hate to leave him but I'd hate him more for putting me in that position iyswim.

@ "Cartwheeling around the garden all day"

I wish I'd had an ounce of your dignity and poise when i was also in your position.

He is having an immature reaction.

Remember when you were about 12 and you 'broke up' with your boyfriend (of all of two days) and you would hang around with your mates looking everso, everso happy and laugh really loudly whenever he was around, just to show, you know, like, you don't care...

He is putting on a front. It might be because he is too embarrassed to admit to his friends how devastated he is. It might be because he thinks it will somehow fool you into wanting him back.

More likely it is because he cannot face the humiliation of admitting to himself what he has done. Certainly he has not yet accepted the finality of it.

Keep on doing what you're doing. That's another day done and dusted. You have faced the two worst concerns - telling the children and seeing him face to face. You have handled both situations brilliantly x

Hi, this is the first time I've ever posted here, in fact I've joined to be able to post you a message, sorry I don't know all the proper acronyms that you guys use, I think term is lurking - feel a bit ashamed watching your dreadful sorry unfold from the start,

Firstly I TRUELY cannot believe what amazing woman you are, faced with what you have been through I would have gone absolutely mad, probably would have phoned everybody and anybody, been continually drinking, found her, smashed her face in, been out on the town and probably would have had a one night stand by now etc. etc., but that's not helpful to you, but please take pride in the calm mature way you have dealt with this.

My advice is this, on Monday morning contact working tax credit, housing benefit, council tax etc. and let them know you are now on your own (you can always reverse this decision if you want) you may be entitled to some help, and even if you think you don't need it, use the money to treat your daughters. from my experience unless you claim on Monday they won't start it until the next Monday (I'm not a scrounger just a savvy working single mum)

Please don't be too upset by the fact that he isn't fighting for you, I think that he must realise that there's nothing that can make it better.

Again I'm in absolute amazed by you, when people were asking where you in country I was gutted I'm not close to you, wanna hug you so much, I also wish you were my friend I think you are fucking amazing

Also, I and I know you seem resolute that there's no going back, but some relationships do survive after this, I suppose what I trying to say is you don't have to make any decisions at the moment, I was once told "if your not sure what to do, don't do anything" - obviously not applicable if your house is on fire! - but you don't need to make any life changing decisions at moment - but sort out making your financial life as smooth as possible.

Again you are an inspiration - I'm blown away by how you are handling it xxxxxx

I think I must have been running on adrenaline the past few days and its running out. I just feel numb, he's like a stranger. I want to rewind time, pinpoint what I must have done wrong. How can you be happy with someone for 12 years and it just end like this? So suddenly. No warning signs, nothing. I've invested everything into our marriage and it was for life, he's extinguished it all, and for what? A cheap thrill.

Thank you all again, your words mean a lot.

He was thinking with his dick :( What a dick :(

You will move on from this, and be better than this and be happier than this. He, however, will not. It's tragic, really xx

Don't blame yourself.

Yeah, you will have been running on adrenaline. You will feel exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I reckon when your friends get back you need one of them to watch your children and the other to be a shoulder to cry on.

You will go through every tiny, 'what if' and 'maybe'. You will question yourself, you will always wonder. All this is natural. Don't try to fight it, just let pain wash over you as much as you can bear.

You didn't choose this. You were left to pick up the pieces and soldier on all by yourself. You really have been amazing and falling apart now does not take away any of that. It's part of the process. It's grief.

You can drive yourself insane trying to figure out what you did wrong. The simple answer is nothing.

He didn't respect you and your DCs enough to admit HE wasn't satisfied with HIS life.

He's trying to turn it all around on you - this is so common.

Did he think you we're going to swoon and fall into his arms by turning up on your doorstep with his glad rags on. What a contemptible little twat he is.

Try and get some sleep tonight - it will come soon.

Thing is, it's not just the cheap thrill that's ended things; it's how he's responded since he gave the game away on Tuesday. That's what's absolutely convinced you that he only cares about himself and doesn't really think he's done anything wrong. The problem is he's exposed himself as very far from the man you thought you were married to and certainly not good enough for you.

You've done very well so far in all this. You might find it useful to contact the family mediation centre in Glasgow when you feel ready to. They can help you to sort out contact arrangements that support your children's needs. They also work with the children to help them to understand what's happening and to express their needs and feelings.

If you are struggling to get any sleep because of stress, Nytol tablets (or the Superdrug/Boots equivalent which are the same thing) can be really good. They don't totally knock you out or anything. You can still wake up and get up in the night if you need to and you don't feel groggy in the morning. They aren't for long term use. I use them maybe a couple of nights a month, but they really help if you need to sleep but know you will struggle because of stress. A good nights sleep can really help.

don't blame yourself. it is easy too and I did, but everybody on here was quick to point out that XH could have talked to me, rather than text OW repeatedly, if everything he said was true

12 months ago, I was writing exactly the same sort of posts as you. the disbelief, the bewilderment, the why did he, how could he kind of posts. You may make sense of some of it, or you may not, but you will drive yourself crazy trying.

I agree that contact away from the house is necessary. When Xh was coming in, having tea, putting Dd to bed twice a week, she was quite confused by it all. If he put her to bed, the first thing she asked in the morning, was "wheres daddy" as she expected him to still be there. or else she wouldnt go to bed as she knew he was still here talking to me.

Once it was put on a more formal footing and he didnt enter the house, DD understood that he was gone, she waved him goodbye and was a lot more settled.

I think that the main thing for the kids is stability and routine.

I second the new bedding etc by the way. I felt much better after buying myself a lovely new quilt cover. I want curtains next, then a new sofa, then maybe some redecorating when I can afford it

My friend moved all her furniture around to make the house feel very different.

You've just made me cry, sweetheart it's not you, nothing you could have done would have stopped him doing this, some people are just made that way, look at Peter crouch / abbey Clancy - pregnant with his child, still didn't stop the dog.

It's very early days and you will have every emotion and thoughts running through your head, but it is not YOU.
X

I definitely won't be allowing him in here to see dd's. it's too weird and confusing for them. The cheating is unforgivable but I agree that the way he is behaving just now is just as bad. Playing stupid little games and acting the way he is.

Another text from sil. Asking what time he left mine as no sign of him. Told her I've no idea, what he does in his spare time is up to him and I'd appreciate it if she didn't text me about him unless its a matter of life and death. I mean seriously, wtf is she playing at? He's a grown man.

To be fair she probably is genuinely worried about him. She ought to have waited until the pubs are closed though (the late ones) to contact you.

Have you got anyone that you can stay with or that can stay with you for a while?

Who knows what was going through his mind. Personally, I cannot conceive of cheating on a partner without at least occasionally thinking of them, of how they would feel if they knew, of how hurt they would be.

I couldn't do it. I would know how painful it would be to my partner if they found out. And I couldn't do all that lying and planning and covering up. I don't understand what goes on in the minds of people who cheat.

People will say that they get caught up in the moment, that it's a flattering ego boost, they get carried away, etc. But there have to be those times when they very coolly and calculatedly plan. These are times where it's not 'in the heat of the moment', it's very carefully thought out. There is an excuse for not being where they say they are, there are phone calls and text messages, there are liaisons which need to be re-arranged. It takes a lot of effort to sustain an affair. It doesn't happen by accident.

I'm so sorry, op, that this has happened to you. It's not your fault. How could it be? All you did was trust the man who said he loved you. And until he gave you reason not to, you have to trust or you don't have any kind of relationship. It could happen to any of us.

Maybe one day, a long, long way off, you can ask him and he can explain, without blame, how all this came about. And maybe you will get the sincere, heartfelt apology that you deserve. Right now he is still in survival mode and is still being a selfish idiot.

I am sure he did love you and probably still does but he took a gamble and he lost. He lost everything. I cannot have been worth it.

SIL seems to have bought into the drama. I think she will find this gets very old very soon.

Fair point, but it's hurtful because now it just makes me think he is with OW. I know I shouldn't care but I do. He should be sitting with me eating junk food and watching a cheesy movie :( I feel like I've taken 10 steps back tonight.

It cannot have been worth it - it wasn't me, op, honest!

Just go with the crash for now. Its ok. Try and put radio on or something to take your thoughts from your brain. Its ok to go over and over it but try and save it for when you have friends to help you through. its really really hard to see H as it does tug at the hearts strings, it would be so easy to rest in them and pretend it hasn't happened but the trouble is that would be temporary. The reality would jump out at you. The tough stuff has to be gone through, that one reason why we want to hold your hand, its crap now but it does get better, I'd say use any support you need.

Op you said that a friend of yours knew her very well. How do you know who she is?

Of course it's hurtful, it's natural to feel the pain. I can't find the right words to help you though I desperately want to!! Time is a good healer seems so lame just now when everything is so raw. Keep posting, there is so much support on here for you - one day at a time xx