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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up

OP posts:

skyebluesapphire · 07/04/2013 12:29

an awful lot has happened in a short space of time and you have handled it very well. Just keep on keeping on for now and deal with situations as they arise.

DragonMamma · 07/04/2013 12:34

Youve come so far in a short amount of time LV. I'm sorry he's being such an arse. I can't get over how deluded this man is, it's staggering to read.

Stay strong, you're doing so so well x

forgetmenots · 07/04/2013 12:54

Start a new thread even if you never use it, means you can vent and let everyone know how you're doing.

New thread, new name?

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 07/04/2013 13:02

So are you going to change your name and start a new thread OP?

Thanks Scarlett those were my thoughts exactly. I didn't say all only children or youngest are entitled. I have plenty of friends and family who are. Just some are treated like they should be, spoilt rotten. I was curious whether he was either that's all.

Pandemoniaa · 07/04/2013 13:09

Please start a new thread - preferably under a new username. Your strength and courage is inspiring.

Original poster

Loserville · 07/04/2013 13:10

He's the youngest with 3 siblings, all sisters. I think he was mothered by them all. He had a brilliant childhood, very loving and close. In comparison mine was the opposite. I don't think he can comprehend how awful a break up can be if you act like a dick. Maybe he'll come good once he has his head round it. I don't doubt his love for the dd's so it shouldn't be hard to do what's best.

I'll do a new thread and think of a new name too :)

OP posts:

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 07/04/2013 13:26

Well I was right on both counts then.

Sorry your childhood wasn't great. Mine wasn't either. My parents loved me and I did feel the love but there was stuff that went on. But we've survived haven't we OP? And our dcs are benefiting in that we have learned how not to parent.

Mygirlsrock is a good name Or Inspirationville

AgathaF · 07/04/2013 13:28

What an awful few days you have had, yet you've coped with it so brilliantly.

This from him - "Hope you're pleased with yourself" is absolutely staggering. What an absolute knob to say or think that.

I think you are right to make access visits happen outside of your home. Too painful for you and too unsettling for your DDs otherwise. Such a shame he turned up out of the blue like that, and so selfish of him.

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 07/04/2013 13:29

What AgathaF said ^

swallowedAfly · 07/04/2013 13:53

i grew up with infidelity and in my face marital issues and yes it can all get very messy indeed.

your dd's are going to see something different. your not putting up with it and managing on your own for a while will show them that relationships are meant to be good and respectful not things you put up with and will also show them it's ok to be alone sometimes. maybe you will go on to have another relationship and be treated as you deserve to be and they'll get to see that.

sorry to do the me me me but i know i would have been a lot better off if my mother had had the strength to behave as you have done. instead she fell apart, lay on the floor and made us chase after him and apply the emotional blackmail that would make him come home. i can remember wishing she would get up and find a backbone and be our mum. instead we were just pawns in their messiness and to this day they don't see how wrong that was.

it always scares me a little bit seeing women who put their marriage and keeping their man ahead of everything else - i feel for their children. one thing my childhood taught me is you don't have children unless you are strong and know that you could manage no matter what happens. even if you are securely married when you have kids you don't know what may happen in the future and you need to know you can do it on your own if the need arises.

sorry - bit of a waffle. your dd's are really lucky. you are what a mother should be.

greenfern · 07/04/2013 14:05

Op you are very inspiring and strong, I know you going through hell at the moment but you will come through it.

Be kind to yourself, try and eat and get some sleep if you can.

Take care xx

LittleEsme · 07/04/2013 14:10

SwallowedAfly - you've put everything that I've been thinking throughout this thread into words - far better than what I could have done.

OP - I know I said it earlier, but how amazing an example are you to your girls?

Have a steady day. One step at a time.

Oh and I'd like another username for you too.

cjel · 07/04/2013 14:10

I don't think women who stay in relationships like this are stronger than you at all. It takes a huge amount of courage to behave how you are. I did what you did. One sniff he had kissed someone drunk at a party and that was it, But I also know people who have gone on to have decades of really happy marriage after separating, working on it, and getting back together. I think the women who make me sad are the ones who hang on at great cost to themselves because they think they aren't worth better.
Whatever choice a woman makes as long as it is done through strength and enhances her life it up to her. I can't believe its just a few short days since OP either. Hope this is the worst week of your life and you go ever upwards from now onxx

CabbageLeaves · 07/04/2013 14:39

I don't think strength is a good term (sorry not trying to start a ruck )

Some women stay because their self esteem is too poor to do what LV has done. Personally I think (and speak from experience) the next few years of their life are incredibly hard and they then have to find strength.

Others find strength at this point to leave and this time is hard. But you've started the path to better things.

If I had my time again I'd have got out and stayed out. There is no denying that family break up is horrible, undesirable, painful, destructive etc. but staying isn't a magical cure either.

The reason for the breakup doesn't go away just because you stay together and it is the reason that is so destructive. You just live with it if you stay. My DC are old enough and settled, sorted and mature enough to talk about my divorce with me. They knew things were wrong, they didn't know it all but they knew there were secrets and were scared and in a state of tension. They say they wished we'd parted years ago

OP you are in the bottom of a nasty trough but have taken the way out rather than dwell at the bottom.

CabbageLeaves · 07/04/2013 14:40

Strength is not a good term and then I use it. A lot.

What I mean is its not a competition I guess. I have huge empathy for all women who are in this situation

AgathaF · 07/04/2013 15:13

I think whether women (or men) stay or go in the face of infidelity must depend on so many things, but I agree with others that you are showing your girls that women are strong and shouldn't put up with a an unfaithful partner. That is a good life lesson for them, and I am sure that they will realise it one day.

cjel · 07/04/2013 16:10

I agree about strength being a weird word. Its like cancer patients who 'fought' and 'beat' their disease. Its not appropriate somehow. Maybe self esteem is a better term.

Original poster

Loserville · 07/04/2013 16:20

Well my lovely friend came home earlier than planned, she called round with lots of treats for the girls, told me to go out for a couple of hours and do anything I want. I went to the gym and for a swim saddo and feel so much better. She's going to call round tomorrow for a proper chat.

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 07/04/2013 16:24

What a great, great friend.

CabbageLeaves · 07/04/2013 16:49

Aw that's made me smile. A great friend indeed.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 07/04/2013 17:28

going to the gym and having a swim is a good way to get rid of pent up adrenalin and energy. And get those feel good hormones back in your body. Hopefully you will get a good sleep tonight.

What a good friend. she gets todays

swallowedAfly · 07/04/2013 17:30

i'm really glad to hear that awesome that she did that for you and ridiculous that he has not when he's their father.

thekidsrule · 07/04/2013 17:32

op in my opinion the easiest thing is to stay,the hardest is to leave that relationship,thats how i feel anyway

why why why do men keep doing this,i dont think i will ever understand

respect to you this must be the worst time for you op

cjel · 07/04/2013 17:43

Feel so glad your friend is back and completely gets it. I don't think I could have gone to the gym and swam . Amazing!!

Original poster

Loserville · 07/04/2013 17:54

She's is great, I haven't known her that long, maybe about a year. I did protest a bit when she told me to go out but it wasnt up for discussion. it done me good, I love swimming, plus it made me so hungry, why does swimming do that?

OP posts:

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