TOTGA (or, choco gets a life!)

[chocoreturns]

well, it would be rude not to, wouldn't it?

This will be the least interesting thread opener in the history of mumsnet to anyone who hasn't seen my earlier threads, for which I apologise. I've managed to fall off the end of another one though, so here I am. For the tiny minority of you who actually care and know what TOTGA is, I promise that if and when there is anything to report, it will be posted here first.

In the meantime, anyone want to start a general stitch and bitch to while away the time?

[themidwife]

Yeah & once again you & your lovely Mum act like grown ups, put your darling boys first & communicate with (& in this case even help) twunt & ow, despite their bad behaviour. She will realise you are a lovely person & twunt's spin on your character is totally wrong.

[bamboozled]

Wow, hats off to you and your mum!
Do tell her we MNers think she is a legend - and obviously passed her genes onto her daughter!

[Doha]

Utmost respect to both you and your mum choco..i wish l could say that as a nurse l would have acted the same way--unfortunately l don't think l could be that bigger person.
Well done, l hope in some way this event make a positive change in the relationship between T&T and yourself, even if it is only a wee one

[cheeseandpineapple]

It is sad but unsurprising. If she hasn't already, she's learning what goes around, comes around and she's lumbered herself and changed her life for a complete jerk.

Hope it is a turning point Choco but she might feel embarrassed and more awkward as a result so don't expect too much from her. At least you know, even when things are tough for you, you'd never want to be in her shoes..

[themidwife]

Quite right cheese. I agree she will be embarrassed & ashamed & therefore prickly. But deep down she is beginning to see ......

[AgathaF]

Lovely of you and your Mum to help,in the circumstances. Must have given OW something to consider and think about. The man is such a twat.

[chezziejo]

Your compassion and your mums is amazing Choco. You make me feel quite humble. I know she's no saint but at this time she will be incredibly ill if it is a kidney infection and needs IV antibiotics. I hope she's how lovely you are and makes her realise a few things. I sort of have this inkling she may start giving you the odd text asking if twunt did this that or the other. I may be talking a load of arseholes but I do just wonder. Hope the clear the air thing goes well with TOTGA. I still think time and your amazing ness will win through there.

[BerylStreep]

Choco, you know, I was thinking about this yesterday. I know you felt really uncomfortable about T&T moving close to you, but in a way it was good that you were nearby and could collect the boys. Imagine if this had happened when they were a few hours drive away.

I seem to recall that Twunt is a nurse? Have I got that wrong? Seems strange that he wasn't able to spot that she was seriously ill earlier.

BTW, what was their house like?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It might not mean she openly gets on with you better in future but her willingness to ensure the boys are well looked after and have a good time (not saying she's been anything but amiable with your DCs) could be amplified.

[chocoreturns]

I am having an emotional hangover. Feel like crap today. Their house inside is ok, it's small, and very 'twunt'. They have my dining table that I chose and bought for our flat . It's full of his stuff, nothing at all that really looked like hers, or even new. All the books on the shelves are his for example. As long as it stays that way he'll be delighted. It has a corrugated iron roof (I am serious). Not somewhere I would want to live. On the plus side, it has a huge and rather beautiful garden that the children will adore in summer. So they will be happy. The kids bedroom has been done out nicely with lots of toys and stuff, nothing to worry about there, which is nice to know. I didn't really nose around to be honest, felt really odd being there at all :(

I am suddenly feeling incredibly crap about TOTGA. I think it is probably a combination of feeling like shit from the whole twunt/OW episode. Plus exhaustion. But mostly it's the realisation that the first guy I trusted to get that close to since my marriage ended (since I conceived DS2 tbh) has decided not to call/acknowledge or express any kind of concern for me at all. I know he's having a hard time, but that is shit behaviour and I'm angry, hurt and upset. I don't really want to talk to him now and that makes me sad. When he replied to my message saying I thought maybe our friendship was screwed, he said don't be daft you haven't done anything to screw it up. Err, no. YOU HAVE.

Feel like tearing a strip off him.

Probably best if I don't though, hey? :(

[AgathaF]

Oh, I'm sorry you're having such a bad day. I guess it's not surprising really, given all that has happened in the last few weeks. It all had to come to an emotional head at some point.

Corrugated iron roof? Gosh.

I wouldn't say anything to TOTGA just yet. You're probably feeling worse about him because of the other Twunt/OW stuff. In a week or two you might feel differently about the TOTGA situation, but if you've already had it out with him, it might then be too late to retrieve anything.

FWIW I think that he is not as far down the road as you are, with regard to his split from his wife, so in some ways it is understandable that he is acting in the way he is. That's not to excuse his bad behaviour, but just that maybe his brain is not recognising the significance of things yet, or processing his actions/reactions in quite the right way yet, because it's just to soon for him.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I reckon he is, as Agatha suggests, still processing his own current life. From where he stands you and your situation is leagues ahead of his. I will say what I said earlier, he probably doesn't want to burden you with his crap right now. Sharing stuff can help and he knows you won't be judgmental or trying to boss him but for now he is still coping. Unfortunately to the extent that he possibly doesn't recognise you could do with some input too. There might be some complacency there because you two have known each other so long but I don't think he's deliberately being selfish or dense.

Obviously I can spout all this because I don't know him from Adam but you do and if this is all wrong just ignore it.

[BerylStreep]

Choco, perhaps being a friend means giving him the space he needs at the moment?

Don't burn any bridges.

[chocoreturns]

I'm not going to, don't worry. And I'm not crowding in on him either. I am just feeling fed up :(

I am fuming with twunt. I called to let him know DS1 has had a high temp all day (39.2). No doubt linked to being around t&t given they have both been ill recently, but nothing I can say or do about that . Anyway I told him, and after I hung up he immediately text and offered to have the boys tomorrow so I could rest ignoring the fact that they probably got ill because of him. I have declined but politely, and thanked him for the offer. Then enquired whether OW was on the mend? (reflex manners kicking in rather than a genuine desire to know, but there you go) and the twunt hasn't replied. He knows it'll piss me off to be ignored when I've gone beyond the point of being polite.

WHY do I let it bother me??

Fucks sake.

I am fed up to the back teeth of being the nicer person today. That is all.

[chocoreturns]

re TOTGA all I can do is sigh and have a bit of a grump about it... but thanks for the support xx

[themidwife]

You don't always have to be the nicer person when it's just between you & twunt & it doesn't affect anyone else. Feel free to ignore him too when you feel like it. His "offer" is just to make him seem nice when he's NOT!!!

[chocoreturns]

thanks midwife

I'll try to ignore more.

Have had a good old creative vent tonight. I feel better x

[bamboozled]

[laffaminute]

I've followed your threads and think you are an amazing, lovely person.

Please have a think about why you are attracted to men who are not capable of putting you first.

TOTGA only gets in touch when he's having a hard time with his ex and all discussions seem to be about what's best for him. Has he asked you about what you want?

You are so good at putting your DSs first but please don't think it has to be like that with men too.

Sorry, I'm not very articulate when typing. I hope it all goes well for you.

[saffronwblue]

Wow choco, what a lot has been happening. Timing just all sounds wrong with TOTGA. He is no doubt in that space where all he can think about is himself and his pain and has very little to give you. You deserve so much more.

You and your mum are amazing, extending compassionate humanity to OW. This may all get twisted or reinterpreted along the way but at some point it will start to help widen a chink in her understanding of events. She does sound very immature and combined with Twunt's self centredness this does not bode well for them. Karma will work its magic.

Hope DS 1 is feeling better soon.

[getthegirladrink]

[chocoreturns]

laffaminute I am starting to think you have hit the nail on the head there. I am not getting it right, that's for sure. I am quite willing to have a look at it and try and make some better choices, but I'm not quite sure where to start. I have had counselling in the past and didn't really enjoy it, so I may have to think about something more forwards facing and positive to get me thinking about (and expecting) the best in life, including a giving, caring, loyal, sexy, respectful and trustworthy man.

I don't want another taker that's for sure. I don't think TOTGA is necessarily a twunt, but I don't think I can say hand on heart I would spot one either.

thanks for the flowers, brew and wine :)

[themidwife]

Yeah I agree TOTGA isn't necessarily a twunt but his feelings & problems are MORE IMPORTANT than yours aren't they? And he isn't pregnant while his partner cheats or bringing up 2 tiny boys alone is he?

It's hard for us to learn that we deserve 100% good treatment from others & to expect it 100% isn't it?

[laffaminute]

Possibly Cognitive Behavioural Therapy could be worth a try? I found it didn't dwell on the past but helped me identify and change ingrained thoughts and behaviours.

[themidwife]

Yes good idea - I've often wondered if the endless talking about it all really makes a huge difference? CBT gets straight to the nitty gritty I hear?