TOTGA (or, choco gets a life!)

[chocoreturns]

well, it would be rude not to, wouldn't it?

This will be the least interesting thread opener in the history of mumsnet to anyone who hasn't seen my earlier threads, for which I apologise. I've managed to fall off the end of another one though, so here I am. For the tiny minority of you who actually care and know what TOTGA is, I promise that if and when there is anything to report, it will be posted here first.

In the meantime, anyone want to start a general stitch and bitch to while away the time?

[chocoreturns]

TWUNT alert:

"If it is before 8am please text first. I did not hang up on him, I have unstable mobile service here."

[chocoreturns]

sigh

[BerylStreep]

unstable mobile service

Yep, something's unstable alright. Like his grasp on reality.

Disengage, don't reply.

Good luck tomorrow!

[Midwife99]

Oh hun - twunt is such a effing twunt isn't he?! Had he EVER had to get up before 8am since the boys were born? Has he EVER been woken in the night?!!! It's easy to play happy families when you've had a lie in every day isn't it?!! I almost wish T&T have a baby just to introduce some trouble into paradise!!!

[skyebluesapphire]

what a wanker. God forbid that his children disrupt his perfect little life?!

My twunt texted to ring DD last Friday, she was busy so I didnt reply and he hasnt bothered since.... it is so sad isn't it. they shout from the rooftops about their rights and access etc, but when it boils down to it, its only when it is convenient to them. Arseholes the lot of them.

DD is back in my bed on the odd occasion. I get the same reason, she needs cuddles or she is cold. Don't worrry about it, they wont still be doing it when they are 15

tidy your house, have a nice sit down and start again tomorrow.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Moments like that you must think you're well rid. Father Of The Year again.

Re: TOTGA - he may be thinking, "Choco is in a good place now, the last thing she needs is to listen to me moaning on about my troubles"?

[chocoreturns]

I realise my emotional filters may be defunct today too. I just sent a shitty reply, basically saying I don't have time to pander to him, then sent another one saying, don't mind me... I'm tired. Bleurgh. Today is a

Not to worry, as you say Skye, time for a cup of tea, a tidy house and a 'start again tomorrow' mentality!

Now, who wants to pick for me. Do I a) sort out my bins and recycling? or b) bleach my loos, or c) scrub the kitchen floors? Choices, choices...

Not to mention the snowdrifts of 'piles of crap' that I need to sift through to extract the bank statements and toddler art work from empty envelopes, junk mail, random packets of stickers etc. Which may also contain some very important documents for work that I have misplaced I am NOT a naturally organised mum!

[BerylStreep]

Do the bins and recycling, then clear one worktop of paper, then have a cup of tea and a sit down. Do you have a system to put your important stuff into? The system is key.

[chocoreturns]

no system. Although I have three large (empty) boxes currently labelled 'throw away', 'put away' and 'give away'. I also have two (empty) box files intended to house important house information and financial documents. The road to hell and all that...

ok the bins are going to get sorted. And the washing up. Then I'm popping out to buy an onion and will make some dinner.

I have already hoovered and put away all the washing, so I feel marginally better. And the extra 3 hours kip was incredibly necessary, so I consider that time well spent.

I genuinely don't think STBXH and OW think that 8am is a lie in. I think 6.45am is

[blackcurrants]

I agree: surfaces are key to feeling really sorted and organized. If I have clean kitchen surfaces and a clear desk it doesn't matter what state the floors are in (hint: terrible!) because I feel more sorted.

Bins and recycling is a good psychic clearout. There's nothing worse for my mood then trying to stuff something into an overfull bin.

Right now our sleeping arrangement is a bit odd. We live in a little flat with an attic bedroom, which is ours. DS1's bedroom is on the same floor as the bathroom, kitchen, living room, etc. At the moment I am in the attic bedroom with the baby in a sidecar cot, and DH is sleeping on the sofabed. So DS1 is rushing into DH's bed in the night, rather than mine. (This is deliberate. The stairs to the attic bedroom are dangerous, so DH would be tramping up and down them all night to settle DS1.) Right now it works because if anyone woke the baby after I'd resettled him I think I would scream, but I do miss normality, and I know DH isn't exactly comfy on the sofabed.

[blackcurrants]

Also, whenever we move into another (hopefully less inconvenient!) place, we are going to have one of these under our bed. So if we have a boyinvasion in the night, either the child or one of us can kip on it, and hopefully get some decent sleep! :)

[AgathaF]

"If it is before 8am please text first. I did not hang up on him, I have unstable mobile service here."

He is a tosser of the highest order. Really, he can only fit his child in during working/sociable hours? Twat. Would his mobile service have been more stable after 8am, I wonder??

Personally, I think a few more early morning phone calls would be perfectly in order.

[chocoreturns]

ok: clean kitchen, check. Bins sorted, check. Recycling sorted, check. Solicitors bill unearthed (needs to be paid!) check. Now, time to make dinner so that it's piping hot when the tiddlers get home in an hour and I can feed, bathe, bed them.

Then I start sifting. So. Much. Sifting.

No acknowledgement of my emotional/tired texts. Must be nice there in their ivory tower hey? God forbid his children and STBXwife intrude. Tosser.

[chocoreturns]

x-post with you Agatha exactly my thoughts!!

[redtulip68]

Hi Choco, thought I'd de-lurk having previously read your threads.

Welcome to the world of 'I love the children but I have a new life now' where STBXH seem so easily to forget what they have bought into this world. The text issue - I have the same. In my case its 'don't call me at anytime, if its an emergency text me and I may return your call.'

Well on Sunday I did exactly that. Text him to say how ill his DD was. I continued to inform him of the situation throughout the early hours of the morning, all day yesterday and eventually what the Dr said was wrong with her - Novo virus. His response 'Will I don't always receive the texts as I'm in an area of poor network coverage. Its your fault I haven't received them' He is in Wales not in the back of beyond!!!!!

I had the same when she was hospitalised last year - then his response was 'Well I'm four hours away what do you expect me to do?'.

I've decided to have very low expectations of my STBXH that way my disappointment is lessen.

[bamboozled]

Stupid mutherfucker, really, it's a disgrace!
I cannot understand the lack of emotional connection these men have, and their lack of responsibility towards their kids emotional and physical well being.
Am absolutely steaming too - the fuckwit, who is so impoverished that he can only scrape together the princely sum of £200 a month towards his children's upkeep, despite having recently moved into a million pound house, and cannot dig deep to stump up a contribution towards dd2's school trip to France in the autumn term, has the girls staying for a week for the Easter holidays and has bought them a lab puppy EACH, wtf
I'm so wound up gggrrrrr

[redtulip68]

Bamboozled I have the same problem...pays when he feels like it or I remind him. Doesn't pay for 13 weeks a week minimum because he works as a supply and the latest is that he hasnt contributed towards DS's residential school trip eventhough he agreed to pay half towards (despite me having paid it all because he 'kept forgetting').

He makes everyone angry - I even had to take him to court to get him to pay towards our divorce because he wont engage a solicitor. Mine wont have them to stay because....where would OW live, he cant afford it, cant cope with...etc and amazingly STBXH also bought a dog! Is there an alternative script somewhere that we don't know about?

[redtulip68]

13 weeks a year, not 13 weeks a week!

[chocoreturns]

god knows what the script is at this point, I think I have just decided it's all so much white noise and nonsense. I couldn't be more disappointed in him as a human being today, yet again.

TOTGA text saying that his ex withheld contact today at the last minute and he feels close to a breakdown he is so unhappy :( Not sure what to say/do in this situation. I think I underestimated how unpleasant their separation is clearly going to be. Have offered to hold his hand through it, as a friend. Otherwise, I suggested he go for mediation asap. But really there's not a lot else I can do, and it sucks.

[Midwife99]

I think TOTGA is extremely confused & overwhelmed & incapable of giving anything to you right now. Be a friend but expect nothing more I think for your own protection.

Re T&T - they will always disappoint - they are so self absorbed

[chocoreturns]

[redtulip68]

I think the script at this point is 'Me...I'm important, only me.' Quite often I feel that they have gone passed the lets blame everyone but me, and now believe that only they have a right to be happy and so are completely self absorbed.

But on a positive...I have two beautiful, feisty and intelligent children, and I am grateful for that.

[chocoreturns]

exactly! my two are the loves of my life, I wouldn't ever change that :) twunts are just twunts. Irritating little bumps along the road of life...

[Midwife99]

Beautiful boys!!

[chocoreturns]

I broke. I emailed him (totga)

Said that I would appreciate clearing the air, or at least knowing that he intends to at some point. Feel like 10 years of friendship might evaporate in a puff of smoke if this becomes a rug sweeping exercise... some things you can't just ignore and carry on. I would rather talk, even if it's just to say 'nice idea, not the right time/not for me' so that we can pick up and carry on as friends at least. I am in no doubt that he is not in the right place for anything other than friendship right now anyway. But it hurts me that I feel to awkward to be his friend when I know he's unhappy.

feel pretty meh today.