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Original poster

TOTGA (or, choco gets a life!)

218 replies

chocoreturns · 27/03/2013 19:49

well, it would be rude not to, wouldn't it?

This will be the least interesting thread opener in the history of mumsnet to anyone who hasn't seen my earlier threads, for which I apologise. I've managed to fall off the end of another one though, so here I am. For the tiny minority of you who actually care and know what TOTGA is, I promise that if and when there is anything to report, it will be posted here first.

In the meantime, anyone want to start a general stitch and bitch to while away the time?

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoreturns · 04/04/2013 08:20

good morning... Grin

so, where to start hmm?

Well, we went back to the place it all began. The hotel we worked at together 10 years ago. We had the most amazing dinner and laughed and talked and talked... it was amazing. Half way through the dinner he admitted that he hadn't known whether it was meeting a friend or a date, but it felt like a date and maybe it should be. So we talked about that a bit, and the fact that it's terrible timing really. Then we kissed, and that's where it got interesting and confusing...

I now know what 10 years of pent up desire feels like (good) and what a bottle of wine and a G&T does to that situation (bad - inhibitions and reasonable caution out of the window). He came home with me and the inevitable happened (good) then the sobriety kicked in (bad). He wanted to stay (good) but neither of us could sleep, so at half 2 he left (bad). I said that I would wait to hear from him, as his life is much more complicated than mine right now (good) but now I'm waiting... (bad).

I'm not really sure if this is going anywhere at all, or whether it was just the culmination of a highly charged and somewhat inevitable emotional situation. I am kicking myself because I basically wasn't entirely prepared and had to call an abrupt end to events due to a sudden realisation along the lines of "fuck - there could be a baby if we don't calm the eff down, immediately. STOP". Feel a bit like we should have been more grown up about it all, but at the same time, its TOTGA. Surely the 10 years of friendship should help us ride this one out (pardon the pun).

I am adamant I will not call/contact him for at least a few days. For 5 minutes out of every 10 at least! The other 5 minutes I'm wishing I could text/call right now and just ask if he's ok, are we ok? Playing it cool seems a bit pointless at this stage. But maybe that's exactly what I need to do.

Not sure if anything is clearer or whether we have hit a new level of complex.

hmm.

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 04/04/2013 08:39

Oh god!!! Need to digest & ponder!! How exciting but I hope he doesn't run to his cave now!! Shock

MusicForTheMasses · 04/04/2013 08:39

Hugs xxxx You are such good friends I'm not sure I would do the whole play it cool thing. Just a quick, hope you are OK, you know where I am text wouldn't hurt in my opinion but I am a softy lol. Don't be too quick to brush over where you are emotionally right now either though. It's a big (fun, I hope) step for you both. Xx

AgathaF · 04/04/2013 08:44

I think a text along the lines of you enjoyed the evening and hope to see him again, but understand that his situation is complicated. At least that would clear the way for you both to maintain contact as friends (for now?) or more if he is ready for that. I think playing it too cool could be interpreted as regret by him, if he is not thinking straight about things just at the moment.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 04/04/2013 09:11

ok, I just text 'hey, you ok today? x'

I don't want to talk about anything heavy. I would just like to know really. Going to leave it like that now for a while.

feel a bit Confused right now...

OP posts:
cheeseandpineapple · 04/04/2013 10:31

Choco, drink and history aside, when the two of you were together in a non platonic way, did it feel comfortable and "right"?

Suspect you're both going to be wary and cautious with each other now as you've crossed the bedroom line and it's new territory but keep the spark and affection with him, don't withdraw but no need to get too heavy and ask him to start picking curtains with you.

Good first text. If he's feeling confused, that's normal, you're feeling it too by the sounds of it but don't withdraw or read too much into his acts or ommissions. Keep things positive and light while you both process what's going on. You're further ahead than him post marriage breakdown. If he's wavering don't take it to heart. I wavered with my friend now husband and thankfully for the both of us he had the conviction to be there for me no matter what, even after I told him I just wanted us to be friends.

You've got the kind of relationship where you can be straight with each other eg is this a date type discussion.

Life's complicated for both of you at the moment and whatever will be will be but in the meantime, you can still aim to be ports for each other while you deal with all the challenges in your life and agree that you're not looking to soul search and get all the answers straight away but keep on being there for each other in a fun, positive way and just see how things unfold without expectation and pressure to immediately blend on basis of history.

You have to start afresh with each other, your relationship has shifted and no matter what, will not be the same again.

It might end up being completely brilliant, a disaster or something a bit grey and an anti climax. Too early to tell and whatever the outcome, it shouldn't be something you regret, you both had to cross the line, it was brewing.

And like any good soap, there has to be a cliffhanger. So we're all waiting with you to find out how Totty replies to your text!

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe · 04/04/2013 10:32

Aw post date wobbles Confused

Has he responded yet?

I think you're right to keep the tone of the text's light, but don't play it too cool, he may well be worried that he's over stepped the mark and radio silence will only confirm that.

Don't let him ga this time ((((((hugs))))))

DoingItForMyself · 04/04/2013 10:52

marking my place with a big "wahey!" nice work missus.

xxx

bamboozled · 04/04/2013 11:38

Woohoo!!
I agree, don't play it too cool, as you don't want to give the impression that it wasn't important to you, equally don't give him a key to the front door and a drawer Grin
Dont overthink it, just enjoy it, it's so exciting, well done you, about time something great happened.

BerylStreep · 04/04/2013 12:33

Sounds like a great night!

KirstyWirsty · 04/04/2013 12:51

Hey choco things seem to be looking up a bit for you I'm glad to see - you were quite down the last time we caught up

I've figured out what TOTGA means :) Hope you hear back from him soon

skyebluesapphire · 04/04/2013 12:58

Sounds like a good evening in some ways then....

Hope he gets back to you soon.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 04/04/2013 13:14

he got back to me Unsurprisingly he's confused and can't get his head quite around what happened. He's also very tired (had about 3 hours sleep in the end). I have replied letting him know that as far as I'm converned, I'm still his same friend, and whatever else is going on he can rely on that. We didn't sign a contract or start a relationship last night. In a decade long friendship there have been many beautiful moments... don't overthink it. And that I would take him out for a day to the beach (no booze this time) when he was next free, as a thank you for the lovely dinner. Feeling much better about it all now!

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 04/04/2013 13:15

I still don't know what TOTGA means!!

KirstyWirsty · 04/04/2013 13:19

The one that got away mushroom

Original poster
chocoreturns · 04/04/2013 13:24

haha sorry!! the one that got away Grin the shoulda-woulda-coulda guy I nearly dated in my twenties but never did. The one I've never really stopped wishing I could be more than just good friends with... that guy :)

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Original poster
chocoreturns · 04/04/2013 13:25

ps cheese I may PM you for a chat about it all if that's ok?

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 04/04/2013 13:29

Ooooh!! I'm with ya!
How fab!

blackcurrants · 04/04/2013 13:41

That all sounds rather brilliant actually. Hurrah Grin

cheeseandpineapple · 04/04/2013 16:41

Of course, absolutely. Hearing what you're going through with Totga takes me back, mine was a different situation but there are parallels. Never had a PM before, am a little excited. Will I know when it comes through?! Out for rest of day but drop me a message whenever you like.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 04/04/2013 21:23

you should see a red button on your inbox pop up Grin

no further word from the man. I am quietly ok with that. I have put the ball back in his court and said he can let me know when he wants to hang out, so for the next day or two I'll just let it lie. Will probaby call over the weekend just to chat...

OP posts:
chezziejo · 05/04/2013 08:27

Aww don't know what to say really. I think cheese is right and it could well be somthing amazing. It is early days tho. It might be a long few days tho waiting. Exciting times for you Smile

Midwife99 · 05/04/2013 10:02

I guess it's cave time. You knew that would happen though. I hope he gets a grip!!

DoingItForMyself · 05/04/2013 10:35

they are so predictable aren't they?!

Original poster
chocoreturns · 05/04/2013 12:25

normal communication has resumed. I am not going to suggest meeting up/or (god forbid) 'talking' to him. There have been a couple of chatty texts back and forth so I am going to leave it to settle for a few days. He's allowed to freak out. God knows I would have done if it weren't for you lot to come and prattle on to. My friends in RL would think I was bonkers if I tried to tell them all the ins and outs of my thinking like I do on here! He does seem a lot calmer today. He has his little boy with him, which I think helps a great deal.

Part of the emotional storm he has going on is that his ex and son (despite being separated since Aug, including one or both of them staying with family away from the house they shared during that time) have only recently moved out of the family home. I can imagine how desperately sad he feels being in their house without him, or any of his DS stuff. His ex took every single thing that belonged to their son with her, including photographs of him (all of them) when she left. Now she doesn't want to let their little boy sleep over in case it upsets their DS...

I know how she is feeling. I have tiny children too, and it breaks my heart to be away from them. It feels frightening to send them off to their dad and 'give up' my time with them. It hurts more than I can describe to do that anyway. But they aren't possessions are they? It's not fair to try and erase their other parent (no matter how much you dislike them in the moment). Unless they are dangerous, obviously.

Even with everything that I've been through with twunt, I've never wanted to pretend he isn't their dad or keep the boys from knowing him. I'm not being holier than thou about it - it's fucking awful going through a break up with children involved. Even a 'good' one, with no bad behaviour on either side must be crucifying, as theirs clearly has been. From the outside looking in, it's clearly really early days for their new routine and I'm going to make absolutely sure I support him as a friend without putting the pressure on at all.

Bloody hell though, does make me want to give him a great big hug.

OP posts: