Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - number 19

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you're dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change - please don't give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

He says whatever he thinks will gain him most according to his audience.
YYYYYYY.

And:
He is such a knob
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

oh Bounty booo, sending strong healthy vibes your way for speedy back up on feetness.

he's such a knob

just thought I'd join in some reiteration for you Tis - plus I really like that expression, especially on the local knob this end.

Switch between knob/head, FW, Prick (is quite popular at the moment), dick, mostly to do with peni, which is ironic considering it wasn't ever that prominent in our relationship if you get my drift!

Hi everyone.
Well done lemon on your outcome. Am definitely going to buy that book. tis do they ever give up? Honestly, that is so unfair. I am glad that you are thinking of finding a new church though, definitely a step in the right direction. Hopefully you will find more supportive people, at least they will know you as you, iyswim.

Well, I was feeling a bit better these last few days and looking forward to weekend with kids, having arranged with FW that we would be away and he would see dc2 next weekend. Well dc2 fell ill yesterday and so trip postponed. Phone rang at 9.30 (landline) and it was FW who said he thought we were away. I said no, dc2 is not well. Then he said well, he was in our town (he does not live here) could he come up? Well, I said no, because we had agreed it was my time with the children. There followed a conversation where he said we needed to talk and I said I didn't want to talk and if he came up to the house it would be harrassment. It was really unpleasant.

I felt sick with anxiety afterwards. I feel really bad that I said he could not see dc2 but I felt like I would just be browbeaten and he would behave in an intimidating manner. He has recieved letter from my solicitor so this is behind what he is saying. I am feeling really uneasy about posting here now, I will NC on next thread. I feel like my boundaries do not exist for him and he will steamroller on until he gets his own way.

It is horrible. I tend to agree with you tis that it is not getting easier and if so, only by small, very incremental steps.

Online dating for you too? Lordy. It makes my head spin. I was at the park this afternoon with DS1 and his mate, and I found myself looking at the dad's and at their ring fingers to see whether I felt anything, found any of them attractive, etc. And I did. Not sure what that means, other than I am still alive!

I completely understand about you going nuts and needing some 'me' time. And you do, we all do. I suppose you can see how it goes with one overnight with DS2, making it clear that it's very much a trial basis and FW needs to be absolutely stellar at meeting all DS2's medical requirements, dealing sensitively with him if he wakes, etc, or it will not continue. Why not speak to someone (your SS contact maybe?) and some thoughts from them?

What about your neighbour, could she babysit for you with DS2, to let you get out now and then? I am terrible at accepting help too, I have a solicitor appointment on Tuesday and if I dont ask someone to have DS2 for a couple of hours I'll be taking him with me. I know I need to ask someone, but it goes against everything I am to ask for a favour!!

bounty hope you are feeling better soon.

Fi - perhaps you could compile a lexicon of appropriate terms to apply to a FW?

snow - very well done at asserting your boundaries. There is no need to discuss solicitor letters with him - that's what you pay your respective solicitors for! It is harrassment! But why was he ringing your landline if he knew you were meant to be away? Does he have a key, could he have been checking you were definitely out?

just the ones with the small knobs? [ouch] tee hee! (maybe they all have!) Pony

lemon yeah.

tis what a nob. Dd1 his also been asking me if daddy can come home or if we can for days out. Its a fine line trying to make it clear that no daddy is not coming home and adding because he behaves like a FW.

breath pm re. eating.

I have decided to be a bit less icy towards Ex in the hope he will be a bit more open to discussion re. contact. he has upped it to about 5 hours. I am going on theory that he does not want to come back and if being civil/acting more friendly turns out to very a bad idea I can go back to being icy. I think it is a fairly safe strategy because when i compare him at his worst to everyday level of fwittery that goes on for others he is not that bad. of course when compared to a fully paid up member of normal society he leaves a lot to be desired

pony yes, he has a key. I assume he was checking up. I had planned to text him later anyway to say that dc2 not well, just so he knew but panicked when he called at the thought of him coming to house because of previous behaviour. Had not thought that he would try to enter in our planned absence . He has not so far returned key despite me asking. Locksmith will be called.

Am guessing I am easier to bully than the legal system. I do not wish to deny contact or anything like that, I just want it on a legal footing.

Re online dating, you are all braver than me! No way ready. Cannot imagine it in a million years.

snow you were right I think. Sorry it has put you off balance though.

pony yup i met ex online dating too. fully cautious chastity belt pants on this time. Anyone who goes on a date with me will.probably think they have got their wires crossed and turned up for job interview/psychological evaluation. 'vot is your relationship wiz your muzzer like?'

but it is normal to look once the spring kicks in

bounty sorry me too. meant to say earlier. Get well soon .

It is nearly o clock. and twilight time

Online dating i am viewing as a long term project. i expect into take at least two years and a whole lotta frogs. (not the French ones though) going to ease myself into it slowly.

I missed that bounty was ill too, in my anxiety. from me too.

Thanks mink. Yep, off balance as I expected him to respect my time with dcs. It is just so far from what I would do.

fool are you around? We only have a few more posts on this thread, eeep!!

tis he seems to take involvement of solicitor's as a red flag to a bull, whereas I see it as best way of getting a fair outcome without hostility affecting dcs. It is not meant to be adversarial, at the same time, I won't be bullied.

snow here Izmir to not being bullied.

tis the world is my oyster for 4/5 hours every weekend and one babysitter every fortnight and on Friday mornings. so any suitor will have to be extremely obliging/understanding/patient or else enjoy sneaking down drainpipes at 6 am. but a girl can dream.

mink if there is one thing I think I have learnt it is that speed in courtship is NOT a good sign. Patient, obliging, understanding? That will separate out the FWs at least. Avoid any potential suitor having a relationship with your kids too quickly, sounds obvious, but it was a mistake I made and it is easier to be manipulated through children - you introduce a person to their lives, you don't want them to lose that person.

lemon well done for being assertive ? yeah for you and thanks ? I?ve just ordered that book (very cheaply, second hand from Amazon). I am looking forward to freaking out fw by becoming the woman I want to be

Pony gutted for you that the pampering was scuppered I hope your ds is feeling better now.

Talking of pampering ? I?ve just remembered that the big blow up, seemingly out of nowhere, that precipitated us moving out, followed me getting my hair chopped short earlier that day. Was it on here or RL that someone pointed out the coincidence? Not sure but I wonder if that?s when he realised his control was finally slipping and hence the massive, incomprehensible blow up?

lemon and fairy I slept for two hours slumped in car , surprised I didn't wake with ticket on forehead I woke up very disorientated!

Bounty, I hope you feel much better soon BTW Anticlimax at the Salon sounds like an excellent trashy novel, perhaps featuring a wag who was given the wrong chemicals during a facial mishap and subsequently sprouted a goatee. She had to go and work in the circus to hide from the negative press and found true love with the tightrope man.

leclerc re manipulation of DS1 by fw, grrr. Good idea re trialling s/o for ds2 though, it would give you some breathing space to recoup, much needed, and also would keep fw busy perhaps, with less time and energy for fwittery?

Fi - needledick to add to the lexicon?

mink thanks v much for pm re eating regime. And good luck with the de-icing plan, as you say, you can play it slowly and by ear, frosting up again as and when necessary!

Snow VERY good idea re locksmith

Just catching up with the thread and sending you all and (or Buckie for the Scots here

please save last posts for a link tothe new thread, please?

loving the lexicon proposal Fly Needledick is such a satisfying label! (irony at its best)

Ladies

I am sorry to leave you this way but I have received information that both ex and his sister have discovered me here and have known for some time.

I am desperately sorry to be leaving you as I love you all dearly and feel as if this is my only outlet where I can be wholly honest about my feelings and my experiences. I can only say how violated I feel. He has raped me physically and now he has raped me mentally. I know this is a public domain but when you are absolutely stuck for support it is mighty difficult to keep everything absolutely unidentifiable.

I wish you all the very best. I will continue to lurk and may even post from time to time but I will never again be able to contribute in any meaningful way as I cannot do so without exposing myself again.

I'm sorry to take up the penultimate post - fool we need you.

Tis xx

Here is the lardy cake recipe but I wasn't concentrating and it went a bit brown! There is a whole packet of lard in it

I am out to do some insane muddy exercise in a bog so will take it to revive me later.

I am delighted to see you mainly spell knob as I do with a K. DP spells it without like mink and it is a subject for debate. He says if it has a K it would be round like a door knob...

Regards the dating Tis you need to be feeling strong and good humoured before braving the OD world. Read the dating thread and beware (of cock pics among others) I started dabbling after 3 months out and met DP a year on from leaving. He is lurvely so it was worth it!!