Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - number 19

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you're dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change - please don't give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

fi hugs and to you, lovely. Good on you, enjoying hols with some relaxing time. Take care xxx

Ahh the island life....uncomplicated and stress free...we can dream
Hope Charlotte is ok and that all of you have a peaceful night with more sleep than average.

Thank you Fool and you

Just getting back into Lundy - it's making me so angry, grrrr my head is nodding constantly.

I must get a copy of Lundy some day. just to avoid a repeat performance.

Anyway would not recommend the North of Scotland for FW free living. A heavy mix of intolerant religion, hard drinking and old fashioned views. it was only when I moved to the South of Scotland I realised it was possible to go out for the night without being sexually assaulted and then told you were rude/uptight/unable to accept a compliment if you objected as after all they were just being friendly!

Don't get me wrong I would actually love to move home it is beautiful. but it is not exactly a hot bed of progressive thinking.

mink that was one of the reasons I left Scotland after university (there's still plenty of intolerance to, well, everything in central Scotland).

Yes, just read that same thread, Leclerc - horrific. The poor OP does seem to realise though that it's not right. I do worry that her 'chat' with him at the weekend wont go well though...

I have just had a big breakthrough in my own Mission Declutter - 18 binbags of stuff just been picked up, in exchange for £36! Not much, but better than nowt. Going to try and start thinking about some kind of break away for me and the kids, I neeeeeeeeeed it.

Enjoy your child-free day, sounds lovely! I always seem to end up working on my rare child-free days, got to sort my working life out.

Thanks breathe espedcially for the wine - drank that and didn't read Lundy last night, but I need to read him tonight to keep me grounded. Love the nodding. Rubbish nights sleep it will be a long day but feel strangly ok about everthing.. lets hope this feeling sticks... I keep using the matra `Lundy, Lundy, Lundy'.

oooh almost forgot found an interesting link you may like ladies www.speakoutloud.net/power-and-control/using-children?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Speakoutloudnet+%28SpeakOutLoud.net%29

pony 18 bags! Respect. that is a good clear out. bet you feel brilliant having got that done and were it not totally wrong if you had a cat i bet you eoukd now give it a really good swing. (assuming of course the cat was fully consenting ) actually if i remember rightly it is not that kind of cat. but ho hum. good work.

And yeah central Scotland has its own ishoos for sure.

Re. that thread. was thinking about ex. he did like to moan about lack of sex and he would try to persuade me
but that is where the line was (pretty) clear. Either of us could ask or attempt to tempt as long as you were prepared to accept no for an answer. ex said (of his coworkers who used prostitutes) why on earth would you want to have sex with someone who did not thatwant to have sex with you? And although sometimes i took a wee bit of persuading i never once had sex that i did not actually enjoy. a lot so for that i can be thankful.

But he did used to pounce on me occasionally and stick his hands inside my clothes just round my waist in a way he described as affectionate and i called bloody irritating. i think it was designed to annoy/put me in my place whilst making me look like the bad guy if i was not delighted then he could accuse me of not being affectionate.

And it is exactly the same thing as went on up north when i was a kid. men trying to make out you are the problem if you don't want to be groped in what they consider a complimentary fashion. it is a subtle way if making you feel bad fir something that is thru fault and conditions you to blame yourself.

So absolutely not on the same scale as overt sexual abuse but part of a sucked up social attitude to eomen's and an entitlement by men.

When. trying to explain this to men who think.it us no big deal i always say as long as you would be happy to accept a man groping your arse or grabbing your cock as a compliment. Now imagine a man who is say six inches taller than you and better built. Still ok?

Thought not.

Fucked up social attitude to women.

mink

Most of the 18 bags were courtesy of stuff dumped on me by FW in one of his big clearouts of all my stuff from the house. I was determined I was going to be ruthless and only found homes for the stuff I really really wanted to keep. It's been sitting in piles in my bedroom for months, so I feel really good having finally gotten it all out and away - my room feels enormous now! And it is really, really awful that my wedding dress was amongst it all? I can't tell if it is bad or not any more!

YY to it all being part of the horrible attitude to women. You were right first time too though, it does suck.

The was about the cat stuff, btw! No cat any more stupid FW was allergic but plenty of room to swing a 2.5stone toddler around in!

oh well, perhaps it will have to remain a beautiful trip destination, sigh... looking to the South then. As I know northern england pretty well for widespread FWittery/ignorance. Maybe a jump south, or even across the Channel, might be far enough away! ha ha!

Joining in the cries of rubbish night's sleep with two teens up til way past 4! and up with callers before 9 - booo hooo! The sleep that I did grab was golden tho. Now to get on with the DIY marathon, half asleep.

my mission is to build my self-protection shields so that I can stay grounded when the FW shit starts to fly.. I daren't make that a thread promise, as it is my longer term goal, which I started in a smaller way many months ago now.

Will spend a lot of time reading through that link page Better thanks for sharing. There's loads on there!

Suddenly the holidays seem to be slipping quickly away!

Hope you find a good break somewhere Pony

Keep nodding fly only as vigorously enough as is good for you

xx

Sorry, I'm trying to catch up - tis glad you survived the meal.

silverypussycat yes, it was the resolution website and a newspaper article that made me think of mediation. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

Thanks to everyone who answered about mediation, etc. I've contacted one of the mediation solicitors and an 'ordinary' one to see which would seem best.

I'm so tired I fell asleep in ds' bed after I'd read him his bedtime story . I had a great night's sleep but I don't think my back can take it as a regular occurence.

Evening ladies, hope you are all OK.

I have quickly read through the thread,

Strength to you tis It is hard.

Things here are getting pretty unbearable after 2 weeks of h not being fw.

He wants a list of everything I will take with me. I am tempted to do the list down to the last tea towel and ram it where the sun don't shine!

Do I really have to do a list? He reckons that I will change my mind on what to take so leave him with nothing. Fortunately I have support with furniture and getting some things from friends to start me off!

He also said that he will get the sols to get my bank statements and he wants a copy of the tenancy agreement I will have with my parents as he thinks I will live rent free!!!

His bee in his bonnet at the moment is that he has paid more towards the bills. What he can't seem to get through his thick skull is that I buy food, clothe dd and pay for her school trips! He also earns 3x more than me as i went part time when dd was born, so there is no way I could pay half of everything. He said he will get all the equity as he has paid more towards the mortgage.

Read that link better. I have a nasty feeling that when I do finally move out, he will step up fwittery through dd. He has already promised me that he will do his best to make dd hate me. Dd is a bright kid, but she idolises him. What he says is right, so I am a little worried. Any tips on how to deal with it if he starts to manipulate her?

I am looking forward to moving out, but I am v worried about dd and his fwittery!

and to all

:( Leclerc
This, too, will pass. Can't think of anything more helpful to say.

dillie He is in for a shock re. mortgage then because it doesn't work like that.

Afraid i have no suggestions re. avoiding manipulation though the kids. my ex used to say terrible things to his other kids about their mum. If it helps i think they knew it was all bollocks but it must have been tough fir them. I tried telling him that no matter what she is their mum their only mum and that he was hurting them and more than anything hurting his relationship with them.

Evening ladies, dealing with FW fallout has just ended for the day, sat with a drink for a chat with the like minded. pony I know it is spring but the clear out is symbolic I think in a holistic way, did the same thing over Easter. I will continue my clear out things are going for good.
mink I hear every word you say.
tis in three years she will not have to go if she doesn't want to and I bet she doesn't, so much will have changed and she will be through the fog, see it as one year less of FW to put up with on her special day.
Dille at the back of the Lundy book and in the section about children he recommends a book that would help with this, I need to buy it.

Well I got a very stark reminder of the past today and Lundy helped me spot it. Imagine if you were involved in a court case and accused of abuse, you get asked to do a book to introduce yourself to your DS you have never seen and you put in it photographs of yourself holding your fists up, bare fisted in a boxing gym. This is how I last saw him in my house but the person he was raising them to was not holding a camera it was me having just had a c-section. The rest is not much better. Rang CAFCASS my case worker has left, they closed my case, no one has phoned me back. Went to school and saw head she looked at the book and said I should seek help it wasn't appropriate. I feel I have no one in authority to turn to.

Thank goodness you said that mink as Dillie's FW was starting to make me nervous. My H has always paid the mortgage as we never had a joint account (I couldn't be trusted not to lose the account details orr cards ) and I was beginning to fear that he would be entitled to all of our equity!

leclerc today sounds like the perfect recovery after last night's efforts. for DD2s birthday. I think we must all dread birthdays and Christmases without our DC even though as you say yourself it is a price worth paying to be free of FWittery.

pony I'm itching to get the black bin bags out. My H is a real hoarder and I get accused of OCD with even the slightest of tidying. Actually want I'm planning is to take what is mine and then leave him wallowing in all the crap to his hearts content

better that is as it says in that thoroughly depressing link he clearly has no actual intrest in seeing his child and is just using this as a way to abuse you but surely when it comes to the hearing if they see the book they Will realis it is wrong.

I may very hopelessly naive though about courts etc.

Maybe speak to WA? Or even the police DA unit? To see if they think it constitutes harassment.

That link made me that is main way ex used to manipulate me (and still does). although he seems to be coming round a bit. but maybe it is just a con or maybe him seeing the kids is not actually good for them. i don't know.

better sorry cross posted. That book sounds awful and hideous. Do I understand right that your ex is not part of his son's (your DS) life and now he is trying to prove that he deserves to have contact and this book is to introduce himself a bit like prospective adoptive parents produce books for their children-to-be?

for you too. The raised fist picture must have brought some nasty flashbacks back to you. Will your DSs head teacher help? I presume SS or someone must vet the book first?