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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

979 replies

Herrena · 16/03/2013 12:25

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

Shock What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

OP posts:
dragongirlx · 26/03/2013 10:51

My mother has been teeling me since I was a little girl that she only had kids to look after her when she was old.

She is bipolar but a lot of her behaviour is more than that - basically everything is about her.

From having us do all the housework from about 11 but telling her friends we did nothing.
From when my Twin and I turned 18 and she turned up at our party with her new partner who we had never met and proceeded to hold court.
To our 21st where she threw a party for her friends (while we hid with older sis in the conservatory)
To when she decided to throw twin out of the house after multiple trips to hospital (for made up physical illness) for daring to suggest she might be manic and then expecting me to take her side and chucking us both out when I took twins side.
Recently she decided that she was never bipolar and that the only time she was in the mental hospital was because I had her committed for being happy!
And all the horrible things she did when she was ill (stealing, trying to have my dad arrested, attacking me) were all my fault, or made up and that it was worse for her.
I haven't spoken to her since Christmas and I have been so much happier because of it.

SundaysGirl · 26/03/2013 11:10

'If I think something is right, it IS, because I think it, therefore it is RIGHT'.

Said in 100% seriousness.

tumbletumble · 26/03/2013 11:12

Wow SundaysGirl, he should be a philosopher!

yellowhousewithareddoor · 26/03/2013 11:17

My mother still blames me that she's been in psych units, as if it was possible to get someone sectioned just like that?! The fact I cared for her, went with her so she wasn't on her own, spoke to staff, packed for her etc is besides the point.

Its all so screwed up.

My dad also earned well (I now know) yet I had to work all weekend to afford bus fares, any clothes (was given hand me downs at school), sometimes food when he worked away. Its so odd.

I went to Oxbridge but then completely stuffed up. Unlike poster above I don't have good job, home car, successful life etc. I really struggle now with children and zero support. Its tough. I hate so much how childhood and abusive backgrounds affect you so much into adulthood.

springyhiphop · 26/03/2013 12:08

My mother, regaling me with stories of my kids' fabulous Christmas with my evil sister (who I have lost my kids to).

When I said how painful it was to hear she said 'well that's not my fault'

When I visited her in hospital after another mini stroke: 'springy, you are killing me'. Because I've lost my kids, apparently.

My dad, as justification for why he won't support me re losing my kids 'You were always difficult. Your sister used to come to me saying 'springy has done this or that''.

Me: how old was I?
Dad: about 6. You were always difficult

springyhiphop · 26/03/2013 12:10

(my kids are young adults btw. My toxic family have got their claws into them)

KellyElly · 26/03/2013 13:11

A good one from my mum. 'I had an abortion when you were nine because you said you didn't want a brother or sister. Now I'm infertile and it's your fault.'

springyhippychick · 26/03/2013 13:15

dear God that is horrific Kelly Sad

Midwife99 · 26/03/2013 13:16

Oh springy how sad! Do you feel able to tell us the circumstances of you losing your DCs? Do you see them? Sad

NotQuitePerfect · 26/03/2013 13:20

So sorry springy. That's really sad Sad

And yellowhouse I know exactly what you mean. I'm in my 50's with teenage kids of my own. But I can't let go of the emotionl abuse/neglect I endured as a teenager myself. If anything I think about it more now than ever.

My narc mother seduced & slept with my (utterly spineless, weak, much older) boyfriend. Years later when I was living with said boyfriend I found letters she had written to him confirming this. There was so much longing & sexual desire in them it was positively repulsive. At the time she would have been 40ish, he 30ish & me 16. She was still married to my dad then, and my sis was 4 years younger. She would have left us all for him. Fucking bitch.

Now she is mid-70s, grossly overweight & with a selective memory. She has re-invented herself & re-written the past, with herself as a matriarch. She has no idea what qualifications I have, when I passed my driving test, what I used to do as a career. In fact she knows nothing about our lives.

She is obsessed with my alcoholic younger sister, who incidently has gone nc with her own 15yr old as the latest boyfriend 'didn't get on with him'.

Our mother doesn't see that as particularly shocking and even said to me "oh I've seen X (her grandson) and he's fine about everything".

He's so not, mum, he's so not Sad

springyhippychick · 26/03/2013 14:06

No I don't see them. They visit my city and stay with my sister. To all intents and purposes, she has taken my place. Or, taken my kids.

I'm so glad I'm not on facebook.

She has form for taking what is important to me. From many friends throughout my life (I'd like to know what she says to them tbf), to a boyf I had a crush on for 2 years and she went off with him on our first date; to palling up to my abusive ex and taking him in like a beloved brother when I left him (she said she had the right to be friends with whomever she chose and it wasn't my place to dictate to her who she could be friends with). Now my kids.

Interstingly, she has been downloading and circulating MH dx around the family and they have been pouring over them to work out which one I suffer from.

Ironic, really.

flippinada · 26/03/2013 14:52

Apologies for taking over the thread earlier with my rants.

Springy that's terrible, so sorry to hear that.

MrsHowardRoark · 26/03/2013 15:13

This thread has made me cry.

My dad is a narcissist but is also charming, clever, funny and the life and soul when he wants to be.

I grew up with people telling me how lucky I was to have such an amazing father. Behind the scenes he did almost nothing to feed, clothe or care for me. I basically bought myself up from the age of 12 but he only ever talks about how hard that time was for him. For him? He was a grown man and I was a child but hey, he had his life to live.

He used to go away for weeks on end and leave me alone with £20 to feed myself. He thought he was the cool dad that lets his teenager have the house to themselves. I was 14 and bloody terrified!

He is now quite a popular entertainer and people still love him. I do too of course but he is so wrapped up in himself it's difficult to understand.

I know he loves me but he never actually does anything to show it. I haven't spoken to him in months because it never occurs to him to call me. I thought I'd stop calling him and see how long it took for him to call me. 3 months and counting.........

KellyElly · 26/03/2013 15:13

springy you poor thing. I can't even imagine what you've been through. My mother tried to take my daughter by making false and malicious accusations to social services about me. That was when I cut her out of both of our lives for good.

yellowhousewithareddoor · 26/03/2013 15:46

Oh Howard I had to double check that wasn't me writing that. My dad would go away for several weeks leavingme 20 quid. I remember the first time I was so proud of myself for making the money stretch, I'd written down what I'd spent in addition, with receipts (living of toast and jackets and tuna but proud of being frugal as he didn't like me eating 'his' food) and he just plain blank wasn't interested in me or how I'd managed and wouldn't give me any money :-( my dads not an entertainer but well liked etc.

yellowhousewithareddoor · 26/03/2013 15:47

Kelly I live in fear of my mum doing that. She's done similar things to others when ill.

KellyElly · 26/03/2013 16:07

yellowhousewithareddoor honestly, don't even worry if she does. My mother accused me of all sorts (abuse, being an alcoholic/drug addict, violent - pretty much anything she could throw at me. In fact she even nrought up the fact I was sexually abused as a child and said to SS she suspected that would make me likely to abuse my DD) leading to a full and thorough assessment by SS. I was open and honest and was told I offered my daughter exemplary care. The stress nearly finished me off but at least now she's out of my life for good and can't keep hurting me. You just have to cut these people out of your life. I don't even hate her, she's just nothing to me at all. I wouldn't even visit her on her death bed as she doesn't deserve even that from me.

KoalaFace · 26/03/2013 16:10

I'm so Sad reading these but so impressed at how strong everyone seems.

Its unbelievable to me what people will put their own children/partners/friends through.

serengetty · 26/03/2013 20:45

'Why do you deliberately make yourself unattractive?' was another favourite. As was meeting my boyfriend away from me and telling him I was worthless.

Ilovewaleswhenitrains · 26/03/2013 21:42

A few of my own ( I used to think my childhood was normal until joining MN)
My mum telling me that it was my fault that she smoked, she apparently started after my birth because it was so difficult ( my fault apparently).

When I was about 8/9 onwards she would refuse to speak to me and my sister for days on end because we had "upset" her, but we never knew what we were supposed to have done.
Constantly going on about never getting married and having children, the subtext being that my life would be ruined the same way that hers had. Before getting married she was a typist in an office.
Calling me nasty names, "dirty cat". Making nasty comments about my shape and size ie calling me "lumpy" her euphuism for fat. I wasn't fat, just bigger than my sister. Plus, all the self centered behaviour, too numerous to bore everyone with.

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake · 26/03/2013 21:43

Sorry I've been away for a while. Flowers to all of you, some of these tales have properly made my jaw drop.

It really is them, not you.

garlicbrunch · 27/03/2013 01:19

This is a note to myself - revisit page 24 when stronger; there are posts I especially want to follow up. Big hugs to us all! Thanks

LadyFlumpalot · 27/03/2013 03:58

I don't know of its a Narc thing, but my mum HATES my dad, my stepmum and my half sister with a passion.

My mum and dad split up when I was 6. My mum instigated the divorce. I'm fairly sure (though have never asked) that she had an affair. There was certainly an "uncle" Bill that I wasn't allowed to mention to my dad who was mums first boyfriend afterwards.

Anyway, both parents hav wen happily remarried for 20 years now, both remarried when I was 9. My dad met my stepmum way after they split up.

My half sister on dads side was born when I was 16, she's 13 now.

My mum is VILE about her. Calls her ugly, stupid, bad words. Refuses to admit that she is my sister, refers to her as "that woman's daughter" and says she should never have been born. I have told her how much this upsets me and that it's just plain nasty, but she just carries on.

My theory is that she decided she didn't want my dad, but can't sand that he's happy with someone else. Think she wanted him to pine for her forever.

Sorry, really long ramble because I'm up with twiddly pregnant legs!

MamaSensitive · 27/03/2013 11:35

DM's reaction when I told her I was given a pay rise was 'WHY??' in the most upset, disgusted, disapproving tone. She insinuated that I had achieved it through some indecent manner! For the record, I never sucked any c*ck or licked any arse to get any jobs / pay rises / bonuses!

She did make me feel very undeserving of it. Sad

NothingsLeft · 27/03/2013 13:02

I've name changed as I want up ask a question without being identifiable.

To those of you that have had success therapy, how did you know you had found a 'good' therapist?

I'm now on my third round of therapy and still not sure if this is the right person to help me. Much more so after reading this thread. It's really helped me see it's not me being difficult and my parents really are that bad and it's not an acceptable way to be treated.

I thought the therapist was helping until the last session when he told me my parents weren't that bad as they hadn't sexually abused me. He was essentially say I need to get over it but I just can't.

At the time I agreed and did a mumbling apology but now feel a bit miffed & unsure what to do. Sorry if its a bit rambled but I really want to try and move forward and stop being so consumed by all this but don't know how to.