Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

[Herrena]

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

I thought the therapist was helping until the last session when he told me my parents weren't that bad as they hadn't sexually abused me. He was essentially say I need to get over it but I just can't. Wow, that's pretty shocking. You need to find a new therapist. Have you tried MIND? You can get a GP referral and there is a bit of a wait but the therapists there are usually pretty good.

nothing FFS! Who is this guy :(
Really sorry you ran into him - Now run out

what a toerag!! How dare he? What type of therapist is he? I know a counsellor who lost his accreditation from BACP for less than that!

Never go back and find someone who knows what they are doing.

That's disgusting. How dare he

Jesus Christ, I've met 13 yr old boys with more insight than that pig who dares call himself a therapist!

NothingsLeft therapists are supposed to live in I'm ok/You're ok and not make bloody judgements. Get a new one, I found that CBT worked better for me because I've never dealt well with people who say, 'and how did that make you feel' because I'm a tiny bit sarcastic. It also helped provide coping strategies and ime was way better than the other stuff out there.

ItTookMeThreeTherapistsBeforeIStruckGoldTiggaxx

Thanks everyone...I knew it was wrong but doubted myself (as usual).

He asked me outright if my dad had sexually abused me, which would be a pretty shitty disclosure if he had.

He's a CBT therapist I found through bacp. He does mostly anger management stuff which I thought would be useful as I have PND & have been feeling v about life. May be I should make a complaint.

I had long term psychotherapy which I thought had helped until I had my DC and since then its like my life has exploded in my face. I just cannot keep the lid on anymore.

I will try mind. Is there anything in particular you look for in their experience?

I got some really good advice from a counsellor (person centred) who also trains student counsellors.

He said that when looking for a counsellor you should "shop around". Make an assessment, getting to know you chat with a few and see which is the best for you. I liked that because counsellors work in different ways, have different personalities and clients will have differing chemistry with each.

The trouble is that some counsellors are narcs - even the one that told me my dm was a bitch. I wanted to deal with some effects of the other abuse I'd suffered, but they kept saying that they thought I needed to talk about my mother more.

Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, but at the time it just felt like turning the knife in the wound over and over again.

Some of these recollections are horrific.

Mine is insignificant in comparison but I just want to offload.

My parents were/are lovely (especially when you hear about some of the things on here) but my (younger) db was very difficult. As a result, I learned to be the "good" older sister as he took up all most of their attention.

This pattern has continued all our lives. It's something I eventually identified during counselling following the first of my miscarriages and did have the chance to talk about it with my mum. She acknowledged that it had been very helpful that I had just got on with things, which had allowed her to concentrate on db.

Dh for many years has been fed up with "our" family always coming second with my parents to db and his various problems "because we always cope".

When I had my 2nd MMC, we deliberately didn't tell my parents while it was happening (hospital cocked up with multiple scans all saying the same thing) as they were about to go away on a long-planned holiday and were at the point of cancelling it because db was separating from his then wife (as he had started a relationship with someone new). When they got back, we had them over for dinner to bring them up to date (we'd given db a lot of support while they were away) - and told them about the MMC. They said, "That's awful, now about your brother....." (To be fair, they rang the following day to apologise)

Roll forward to our early 50s (). Mum, who had been the mediator (although with hindsight, had perhaps also enabled some of this behaviour) has died recently following a really nasty illness that has left scars on all of us. Db insists that we (db, me, dh and my parents - just df now but including the time before dm's illness) are a dysfunctional family because we "only" meet-up once a fortnight for supper and don't see each other/accept invitations in between times (might have something to do with the fact that we're usually only given a day or two's notice and already have something else on)

We're at a "family conflict resolution/counselling session" (long story - but df paid for them to try to resolve the "issue" that db has with him - and even more so with me). I've just unburdened myself, emotionally explaining why it had hurt always having to put db's needs ahead of mine and although I understood and didn't blame my parents for what they did, I was starting to learn to put my own family's needs first (ie dh and ds) - and that included looking after myself and not always putting others' needs before my own.

Db looked at me in absolute horror and said, "But you're supposed to put other people's needs ahead of yours."

Db is now refusing to go to dinner at my df's if we're going - so we now go alternate fortnights.

I feel very sorry for my dad. Even though he says it is db's problem - he is the one left in the middle.

I'm just learning to put our needs first too. Not only dysfunctional family but was a super Christian for a while so completely had the 'others first ' theme from all sides. Part of me now still finds it hard when some people don't think of others at all (ie my brother).

We rarely see him. He decided last minute not to turn up to my daughters family tea party and I decided that was finally enough. We won't be putting ourselves out to include them in the future. We will go to nieces first birthday though. Its a mine field. I'd love a close faminw and an uncle and cousin for my daughter.

Prettybird that is shit. Nothingsleft - your therapist is truly crap I hope you can find a decent one.

I was on a toxic thread about my Nan so have been reading this one with interest.
I'm so sorry for the emotional and physical abuse you have all suffered at the hands if your "loved ones".

My story is nowhere near as bad. I have only just figured out that my brother is a narc. How has it taken me 30 years to realise this?

I suppose my best story is from the other day. I'm a SAHM. I met my mum, bro and uncle for lunch and we were talking about work. He told me I don't work, so I said yes, I did.
"What's your job title?"
"Mother"
"That's not work."

One of many many ways he pissed me off that day. Problem is, he's very volatile so it has become habit to tread on eggshells. So I didn't bite. But the more I think about it the angrier I get, especially when he is childless and criticises and undermines my parenting, or when he sneers about my size when he is double my weight (not an exaggeration)

Thing is, I can't win. He says it to get a reaction so if I bite, he wins, but if I don't it means he has control over my reactions IYSWIM.
I've told mum he upset me so much I don't want to talk to him for a while. Surprisingly, she took my side. She normally defends him and makes excuses.

This evening I've been thinking what I would say if I confronted him. But then he'd know he got to me. So I still can't say anything. My DP was also really angry when I told him some of the stuff that happened at lunch. The phrase "your fucking brother" is issued a lot in this house.

So I've decided as I can't go no contact to just see him when it's unavoidable. He'll never apologise because I know he genuinely won't see that he's done something wrong.

I shall be employing the phrase "oh, do fuck off" with a certain measure of glee. Probably on numerous occasions.

goodjam - he sounds like a right tosser. Can you really not go no contact ? It does sound like your mum is beginning to see what he is like. If I remember correctly was it your mum who was looking at counselling ?
We have been no contact for 5 months now - it is lovely
(but I still feel the toxicity )

Gosh my brother does this! Asked me when I was going to get a job in a sneerwa way. Said he could never not work, but wasn't at all interested in a discussion about childminders and it costing more to work than not.

Also had a go at me regularly about being on incapacity when I lost my job due to ill health. Really supportive. :-( made out I was faking or not ill and never actually asks how I am or anything,

So why on earth do I still try and invite him to family things or seek his approval?!?!

Al kept mumsnet shows me I'm not the only one. . .

Unknowingly you become an enabler.

Just because you are a nice person and don't want to put someone else down or get angry with them.

My older DB was useless for decades, enabled by my mother mainly, but as I was the family fixer I always became embroiled in sorting his marriage probs, lack of success in his business, difficulties with his DD etc etc etc.

It was when my DM became too old to be much of a 'help' in his problems that I realised what a mistake all this was. We were supporting him in his belief that he was unlucky, when he was really making stupid decisions and being totally selfish and self absorbed.

Anway, finally I stopped 'helping' - would let him rant on about whatever the latest catastrophe / money problem/ his DCs issues he wanted to go on about and just nodded and made sympathetic noises.

Upshot is, a year or three on, he can talk all he wants but I won't be getting involved, and we actually have a decent relationship now. But HE is not MY problem.

He isn't unpleasant like the DBs mentioned above but you have to just not engage. Just leave them to whatever issue they conjour up for whatever reason (who knows why they do it) and look after yourself.

Hi dothraki

Yes, mum is seeing a counsellor. After every session she rings me to tell me she spent the hour talking about him.
It is helping her. She can't go no contact either due to family obligations which I'd rather not go into here, sorry.
He is a total tosser. I couldn't even enjoy my pregnancy around him, he was so jealous. I remember sitting there watching TV and he got this horrible look on his face and snapped "Stop rubbing it". I hadn't even realised I had been, its automatic! I couldn't talk about it at all in front of him. Even when I was overdue and as big as a house.

I also had to do the good child bit. Still do.

JustinBsmum, you're right. I don't/didn't mean to but now I can see him for what he is it will be easier. and I've stood up to him in the past, even when he threatened to stab me with a butchers knife when I wouldn't do what he wanted.

goodjam Glad things are going in the right direction for your mum

Oh here's a good one from my df "what you have to remember is that there is a place for everyone in this world..... Even someone like you". Cheers Dad. Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about was a regular threat from my DM too. Could never work that one out - used to make me cry even more which made her even nastier. Both my parents have come out with some real gems over the years.

I've got one - it's not about the funny stuff they've said, but about the funny stuff I've done as a result of their weirdness.

This afternoon I went Easter Egg shopping. We're going to stay my parents over Easter sigh and so I needed eggs for myself, DH, her and our DC. DF is dieting so gets a tiny mini-bunny.

This was my thought process when perusing chocolate:
"Ooh, that one's lovely. I want it. How much?! Ok well, I deserve a treat. DH wants the bog standard one so I can afford a nice one, hurrah. Wait. DM will see mine and say 'Ooh, I like yours better than my really quite nice one, why didn't you get me that one?' and then pretend it's a joke when we all know it really wasn't. Maybe I should get her the same as me. Wait, I can't afford two of them. Ok, I'll get myself a bog standard one like DH and get her a shiny one and then she'll be happy because hers will be best and that will mean she's the most important."

I then stood in front of the eggs and realised how truly idiotic it sounded.

It's ok though, DH took pity and has got me a special post-easter mystery egg

Reading this thread is such a comfort. Just being believed and not having to feel ashamed or brush it under the carpet is so...well it's such a relief!

I've remembered another stepmother special. I was very slim until I started my periods and though I wasn't at all fat, I became very curvy. I was told "your bum is disgusting, you shouldn't have a backside that size at your age". Like I could help it .

Looking back I suspect it may have been jealousy as she was very overweight. Not that I'm having a pop at overweight folk at all, just looking at it with an adults perspective. I just felt ashamed of my body and felt like it was my fault.

Herrena enjoy your egg :)

I agree this thread is a real comfort and a total revelation.

I will have a shop around for a new counsellor. I'm a total narc magnet so will go through a few I'm sure I feel a bit more confident already, so thanks.

Nothing I also had long term psychotherapy but it didn't help as ,much as high intensity CBT which also drew on cognitive analytical therapy at times (therapist said). I could tell she was good because I said I had a difficult family holiday coming up and she gave me (gasp!) practical advice!

Happy to pm you a recommendation though it might be far away!