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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

979 replies

Herrena · 16/03/2013 12:25

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

Shock What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

OP posts:
buildingmycorestrength · 25/03/2013 18:38

Mum centre I laughed at that...perfect timing, Mum!

MrsDeVere · 25/03/2013 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyFlumpalot · 25/03/2013 18:51

From my DM to me a few years back after a (daft) row with my amazingly amazing fiancé.

"You are just like your father, people like you are just too much hard work to love. SirFlumpalot could do so much better than you."

"If you and SirFlumpalot do split up, he can come and live with your stepfather and I."

After I and DS almost died during childbirth on Xmas Day:

"It properly ruined Xmas for me, I only managed a little bit of roast dinner".

Salbertina · 25/03/2013 18:58

Goodness, Lady!
Seems common theme of thinking their dds are not good enough for their exes/dhs and then are wholly responsible for any marital problems to the extent that son-in-law sided with against own dd! What is that about? Some weird messed up projection/jealousy-of-daughter thing... Who knows. Bloody hurtful though.

KoalaFace · 25/03/2013 19:18

That really did help thanks MrsDevere Someone I cut out of my life in the past few years ticks almost every box in that list! I never had the words to describe her behaviour, I just knew I was always left upset after any time with her.

This thread is very enlightening!

How did you all get so wise?

kerala · 25/03/2013 19:21

An old school friends mother is one of these. We were friends growing up and her mothers behaviour had to be seen to be believed. Her "birth story" is her mother telling her when she found out she had a girl not a boy she cried for days. Lovely! Everything was about the mother, she would throw terrifying tantrums about made up slights, her DH and two children were terrified of her. My friends father would plead with my friend to go along with the mother so as "not to upset her" as if she was upset they would all suffer.

Luckily my friend married a lovely man from a normal family who would only put up with so much. When the mother started upsetting my friend whilst pregnant with her first child the DH rang his MIL and told her firmly that if she carried on they would not see her anymore and she would not see her first grandchild. Her behaviour vastly improved after that.

flippinada · 25/03/2013 19:21

I've been following this thread, recognise a few faces..

I didn't have narc parents but my childhood was quite messed up for other reasons. I've been on here for years and years but never felt able to say this before...you know "out loud". My mum tried to kill herself when I was 11.

I didn't see her for eighteen months and ended up staffing with my step mum. My Dad couldn't possibly give up his very important job you see or manage a break in his schedule to look after his own children.

To start with my sm was lovely. And then, I don't know what provoked this or why it happened - seemingly overnight, she just turned on us. Nothing we ever did was right, we got screamed at, we were useless, lazy, it was our fault mum got ill.....this continued through our teens. My Dad sat by and ignored it for a quiet life.

Phew...now I've said it...you know, I think it may have messed me up a little..!

flippinada · 25/03/2013 19:22

Staffing = staying

Binkyridesagain · 25/03/2013 19:26

Is anyone else wondering who they are?

I feel that ME is somewhere just beyond my grasp and everytime i notice her and try to get her she dances away.

I think SHE has always been there, just in the corner of my eye, but thinking about some of the crap I've posted on here is making me see her more clearly.

Does this make sense?

arthriticfingers · 25/03/2013 19:34

flippinada :( :( :( :(

flippinada · 25/03/2013 19:41

Thanks arthritic. It was bloody horrible. I didn't know what the hell was going on.

At least we didn't have it "full time" though unlike a lot of people on here; we went back to my lovely mum when she got better.

I can't remember a lot of details and I think some of it was so awful I blanked it out.

flippinada · 25/03/2013 19:46

Just realised I haven't said a "thing" so here's one I do remember from those awful times.

I was trying to help my sm change a duvet. I wasn't sure how to do it (don't think I had ever been shown) so was struggling a bit. My sm hissed at me "you're so useless, you can't even change a duvet. No wonder your mum tried to kill herself".

arthriticfingers · 25/03/2013 19:50

flippinada WTF!

Salbertina · 25/03/2013 19:52

Agree, awful esp to a child!

MrsDeVere · 25/03/2013 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salbertina · 25/03/2013 19:53

And am sorry to hear about your mum, flip, what a lot for an 11 year old to contend with.

flippinada · 25/03/2013 19:55

I know. She really did say it.

Then again this woman referred to her own granddaughter (aged 5) as a "lazy little bitch".

flippinada · 25/03/2013 19:59

Hit post too soon..so it's not particularly out of character.

She was the sort everyone thought was wonderful; we were always told how kind she was for taking us on and how lovely she was and how grateful we should be.

Thank you all for being so kind :)

MrsDeVere · 25/03/2013 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsIngaFewmarbles · 25/03/2013 20:00

Ok here goes,

12yo, take home a maths test, I scored 96% "what happened to the other 4 points?"

As a teenager I was getting ready to go out with my friends, putting on make up when he came into the room he said "well you'll never be pretty but you look quite attractive tonight" He thought he was being nice!

On hearing that I wanted to separate from exH after he hit me when I was 7mo pg "but you can't leave him over something silly like that, what about the business?" We had set up a takeaway with my parents investing a small sum.

On hearing that I called the police after exH had punched me across the room and they had arrested him, "but who will run the shop tonight" then "what did you do to deserve that, I bet you said something horrible to him, poor guy" and then "It's only a domestic, they won't take it seriously".

I got pregnant with DD2 when DD1 was only 6mo accidentally after agreeing that we wouldn't have another baby for a while after setting up the business. I didn't tell my parents until I was 20 weeks "I assume you'll be getting rid of it" I knew that would be the response which is why I left it so late to tell them.

I can't believe I used to think this was a normal way for anyone to behave Grin

MsIngaFewmarbles · 25/03/2013 20:02

Oh and they never spoke to DD2 or interacted with her after she was born despite doting on DD1. :(

flippinada · 25/03/2013 20:03

MrsDV your own mum - what a cow!

KoalaFace · 25/03/2013 20:04

Oh Flippinada what a hateful, vicious piece of shit work!

flippinada · 25/03/2013 20:05

To answer your question I'm not an expert but no I don't think that's normal.

MsIngaFewmarbles · 25/03/2013 20:05

Bloody hell flippinada and MrsDV Shock