Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

[Herrena]

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

Scales just fallen from my eyes regarding fil.

On gearing that lovely MIL has left us a few bob in her will ( because she worked bloody hard and saved all her post fil life)

Fil - Really you should split that money with me, and why the hell have you put it in a joint account with Pollydon !!!

DH - my mums got dementia ( divorced 30 odd years ago)
FIL - well, she was always a bit thick

crushed please do laugh - this one does make me smile still - she used to look up the phases of the moon up on a calendar to 'prove' her point

arthritic- you don't happen to have hairs on the palms of your hands do you? Cracking up laughing again, so sorry.

'I see a dead moon a-risin'. Oh dear...

Pollydon. It always seems to take somebody else's experience to realise whether somebody is a narcissist or not. You can only see from the outside looking in. I'd never heard of it before MN

dothraki, it must be a new thing with these tablets, as I'm on my laptop now and the heart symbol isn't on it.

Saffron - that's my mums mantra 'what about ME?' Hand on her chest at the 'ME' part. Looking wounded, big blue eyes wide open, You could almost feel sorry for her. Er, no.

So crushed - I need heart tablets now
surely all the narcs will be jealous
Polly

I blame everything on the moon. Totally admit to being a lunatic though

Was yawning today as dd woke several times overnight crying. She usually sleeps 12 hours and rarely cries so is noteworthy when she does. Mother told me for nth time I should do as she used to and shut baby in furthest away room of house and ignore her! She seems to find this inexplicably funny but is definitely not kidding

Thank you for this thread. I have read it all and some of you are so brave. My mad old bat seems so tame in comparison to what could have been. But I have had some revelations. I never related npd to my mother before. It all seemed so normal and just 'how she is' until I read other's experiences. Now just keep thinking of more and more!

I laughed about the gifts. So many have been unappreciated over the years I tend to stick to chocolate now as it's the only thing other than booze (and I refuse to supply her alcohol) she won't re-gift! I have received stuff back when she forgot who gave it to her, seen her friend wearing a scarf i gave her, seen it as a raffle donation at her 'club' and even been given it back myself on Christmas Day because 'Oh it was a nice thought but I'll never use that dear'.

It's a standing joke in our family that she can't remember my dob or age (I'm an only child ffs).

She has no clue what I do for a living and because I once worked for a retailer thought I worked on a till in their shop. I'm an accountant btw. (Not that there's anything wrong with working in a shop, but really mum?! That's what you think I do?)

Been reading all of your histories in free moments since yesterday.

Such sad, heartbreaking backgrounds whether from family, partners or friends. I admire each and every one of you for recognising the narc and bullying tendencies. Hopefully the recognition is the first step to healing.

My mum is a lovely lady in so many ways but is 100% a narc. Everything relates back to her, whether good or bad. Any good quality me or my sibs have we get from her. Anything we achieve is because of her or is ignored because it has reminded her of something she has achieved and would rather discuss that. If we talk about a hard situation we are in she tells us to put it in perspective, look at what she has to put up with (insert work stress/health worries/relationship problems here).

When we were little and misbehaved she would tell us that one of these days our bad behaviour would push her over the edge and she would "get in her car and drive away from you".

She would ask me and my sibs to tell her she was the best mum out of all our friend's mums and say "no other mums do so much for their kids you know".

"Am I prettier than her? I am aren't I?" has always been a regular question.

I am now beginning to believe me and my siblings are enablers as we just have always told her what she wants to hear or life would be hell. How do I stop?

Oh god I've opened a can of worms now!

koalaFace I have a narc mother but she didn't bully or use physical violence. My advice to you would be, if you disagree with her, tell her.

She may have a tantrum but that's ok. She may start to tell you you're being awkward, unappreciative, stupid though. Or she may just start to ignore you all together.

I don't really know how to go about it in a painless way. Sorry I'm not much help. I'm only just coming to recognise my mum for what she is.

I was once seeing a psychotherapist and during the appointment he got up to go to the loo. As he went out he said "it's very unprofessional of me, tb, but your mother is a complete bitch".

As he hadn't seen her - narc go to a psychotherapist? - he said he couldn't be definite, but he thought she had either npd or bpd - or both

I think maybe that many of us - unless we've been in therapy, or done a lot of reading won't have heard of npd or bpd and will have ended up thinking that x,y,z is a complete bitch bastard etc

Don't know about anyone else, but I have a complete gap between what I know and what I feel. For instance, I have a report from Career Analysts that gives details of various sorts of intelligence from tests I did, I "know" it's true, but do I feel it? Do I heck as like.

I've often felt if I could only find the book that would explain things, I'd 'feel' better iyswim. That's also been true about the sexual abuse I've suffered.

I think it's something to do with being treated as expendable, or that if you as a person don't matter that is so horrid.

Another thing I can't decide - bit philosophical perhaps - which is worse - thoughful nastiness or thoughtless nastiness?

Thoughtful - done deliberately to you as a person, but at least they've thought about it
Thoughtless - done deliberately to you, but not as a person as the fact you are a person hasn't even come on to their radar.

Thanks Hair I'm relieved that it hasn't come across as me just being overly sensitive because my DM's behaviour is not violent or totally hateful. It can be hard to put into words can't it?

I am definitely going to work on being stronger and voicing my opinions and how I feel rather than just parroting what she wants to hear.

It's a weird thing to become more self aware but not actually know how to change!

TB It is so helpful when the therapist actually says, 'That person's behaviour was unacceptable.' It is sometimes the only thing that helps.

I think it is so important, if you have been in an abusive relationship of any kind, inc having narc parents, that I didn't go to see a therapist who subscribed to a 'listen only' school of therapy.

I needed someone to help me gain perspective and tell me what was going on, because I literally couldn't on my own. My ability to tell what was normal and what was acceptable was completely absent. So how could I figure it out for myself?

I remember the moment when my therapist said, 'You know he treated you like a piece of used tissue paper.' It was awful to face the truth but it was liberating too. He did. And the therapist helped me work through the fact that no one should ever ever do that to a child, or even another person, let along their own adult child. So how could it be my fault?

My dad was all thoughtlessness. I can't imagine how it feels to wonder if your parents actually hate you. But again, how could that be your fault? What on earth could a child have done to deserve hatred? Nothing. It could not possibly be your fault.

There is no way of stopping putting up with narc/toxic behaviour that isn't going to cause you a bit of pain. Better a bit of pain now though than putting up with misery for the foreseeable future. It isn't easy but it IS worth it.

NoLongerPuttingUpWithTheShitTiggaxx

TB - I love your therapist! I was one for a while and you always have notes like this in your books!

Actually MrsDeVere when I read your posts they made me really emotional. I just got heartache for you. Maybe I recognised something as well as just feeling for your tragedy.

I don't know if my DM is a narc, but I do know that she's a control freak who likes to put me down.

This is the funniest story I have, which takes place when we were abroad together:

DM: I'm going to the laundrette, do you need anything washed?
me: I could do with an extra pair of pants
I pass her the pants, she takes them while making a big show of holding them between finger and thumb at arm's length from her
DM: in a sneery tone, you haven't weed in them have you?

WTF! I was 38 at the time, why the fuck would I have weed in them?!! And even if I had, why would I then give them to her... I'd surely be washing them out in the sink?

MrsDeVere I feel so much for you. Beyond words. and something2say as well.

For all of you with awful mums, it is so, so terrible. My dad, meh - he treated me like I didn't matter, BUT he was at work a lot, and didn't have great manipulation skills anyway. So he couldn't ever really deliberately reach into my soul and twist, iyswim. Some of the so-called mums on here are really, really unbelievable, and it is quite hard to believe that people can't see themselves for what they are. It sounds so unreal.

But I know it is real.

btw, that's weed as in pee, not marijiana!

Oh yes the rewriting of history! That's somewhat familiar...!

I am also totally paranoid about her reading this. I held back from writing things that I thought she might recognise.

About the passive aggression I don't fully understand what that means. Is it "Well of course its fine if you do that. I'll be devastated but I'll get over it. You'll do what's right for you of course."??

My therapist also unofficially diagnosed my mum as narc. We made a major breakthrough when he finally helped me see that HOWEVER I changed my behaviour, her response would be the same, that my role in the family (black sheep) is serving HER purpose and not remotely conneected to reality. And that however verbose, convincing, reasonable and non-violent my speech was, she was incapable of changing in response to anything I pointed out/ asked of her.

I only truly realised my mum was a narc quite recently it really and it helped me to reason and understand her...it's hard to explain if you don't experience the insidious nature of a narc's behavior, trying to pinpoint what is 'wrong' with you..or is it them (it's them but you don't know that)..

My narc loves 'appearances'

Scene - I'm in Hospital gone into full labour after 48hrs and mid contraction..

'Mumcentre Pat is here... her friend'

My eyes are closed because of intense pain..

'Mumcentre?!'

'Mumcentre!.. Pat is here..pokes me..aren't you going to say hello?'

WTF??

My ex left me "because he was too good for me" DM

My dh was sided with during our separation after his emotional affair

I must understand "how hard it was for dm to have to see her dd grow into a young woman" DF

Etcetera etcetera.. God how did i not realise sooner how awful this was??