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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does he have a GF? Dodgy text

125 replies

Finwort · 03/03/2013 21:50

NC for this.
I've been sleeping with this guy on and off for nearly a year, it's very casual.
It's quite normal for us to text or call one another late at night, typical booty call.
We've both agreed that if either of us meets someone, we will tell the other, ie this is only acceptable as long as we are both single.
Last saw him on Tuesday, everything was fine.

Sent him a text last night, about 11.30pm, just said 'are u busy?' . I got a reply straight away saying 'hello..why do you ask..and who is this ?'
First thing I did was check that I'd sent it to the right number, which I had.
Now I'm thinking he's got a GF and it was her who saw the text and replied to it.
I feel horrible about this, if he's with someone he hasn't told me and I feel bad for her, but there again as he's having sex with me on the side this has probably done her a favour to find out what he's like.

I haven't text him again, if he does have a GF I don't want to cause any further trouble, but I'm more than a bit pissed off if he has because he's lied to me too.

Anyway, just wondering what others make of the text reply. I can't find any other explanation. Any other suggestions?

OP posts:

EmmaDale · 03/03/2013 21:53

I would honestly just call him and ask him otherwise you'll simply run it all through your mind again and again and never really get an answer.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2013 21:54

I would just ask him why his phone didn't recognise your number, if it normally does

Cherriesarelovely · 03/03/2013 21:56

I can't think of any other explanation either. It is grim if he has a gf and I know you feel bad but it's not your fault if he didn't tell you. You had no way of knowing and you had talked about your situation and were being true to your word as far as you knew. Yes, I would speak to him asap and ask him outright.

Original poster

Finwort · 03/03/2013 22:03

Right thanks everyone.
I'll call him tomorrow when I know he's at work, I definitely want to avoid causing any more hurt to his GF if he does have one.
He's known all along that I wouldn't keep up our little arrangement if he was involved with anyone so I am angry about that part of it.
But need to try to get the facts.

OP posts:

Original poster

Finwort · 03/03/2013 22:33

Just been thinking back, and he hasn't been available on Saturday nights or Sundays since a few weeks before Christmas. I've seen less of him on Friday nights too, but he's been around more on weeknights than he used to be.
Twunt.

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Cherriesarelovely · 03/03/2013 22:40

Ah, sorry finwort sounds like he might have been dishonest with you. Hope you get to the bottom of it and feel ok.

Original poster

Finwort · 03/03/2013 22:45

Thanks Cherries.
I'll update after I've spoken to him tomorrow. Annoyed at myself for not picking up on this sooner though, I usually have a very finely tuned BS radar !

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Cherriesarelovely · 03/03/2013 22:53

Funnily enough Fin we were having a chat about just that with some good friends of ours tonight....people that have deceived us at various times but are very plausible!

Original poster

Finwort · 04/03/2013 08:51

I've just called him at work and asked him why my name isn't coming up in his phone any longer. He waffled a bit then said he didn't know what I mean
So I explained about the text I sent. He said he never received it. So I told him "well somebody read it because they replied to it". He said again he didn't see any text. So I then told him "look I suggest you check your Sent folder, look for the text sent from your phone at 11.31pm on Saturday, then tell me what that reply was about". He then said "oh I'll have to ring you later this morning when I go home because I haven't got that phone with me, I'm at work"
What? So he has more than one mobile phone? Can you have the same number on two phones, or does this mean he's got more than one number? He's never mentioned before that he has a work mobile and doesn't take his other phone to work with him.
This is starting to sound very dodgy indeed.

OP posts:

scaevola · 04/03/2013 08:56

It sounds odd because if he had another GF, surely he'd recognise her number?

I don't know enough about mobile phone technology to know how likely it is that your text could have been misdirected to someone else's phone.

It does sound as if he has more than one phone though.

Feelingpissedoff · 04/03/2013 08:57

Don't engage any further. Delete his number so you don't get tempted to call or text when the mood takes you.

Xales · 04/03/2013 09:00

If you called him on the same number you text him and got through then the text went to that number/phone too.

He isn't giving you the basic honesty and decency a no strings shag buddy should.

Kick him to the kerb and visit an STI clinic.

Imaginethat · 04/03/2013 09:03

I have 2 phones. And if I move sim from one to another, it doesn't identify caller. But then who replied?

Original poster

Finwort · 04/03/2013 09:06

scaevola I don't know enough about mobile technology to know that either. But having more than one phone, that he's never mentioned previously, is a big enough red flag for me.
I think he has a GF and she's the one who intercepted my text. Maybe his phone beeped and he was out of the room or asleep or something. But there again, as I'm always reading on MN, these cheating twunts usually guard their phones very closely so he must be stupid as well as a liar.

pissedoff I've got no intention to ever see him again, no matter what sort of BS explanation he tries to come up with, but must admit I'm curious to hear what he's going to say to try to wriggle out of this.

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Original poster

Finwort · 04/03/2013 09:09

Imagine I never thought about moving sims across phones. That's feasible. You're right, it still doesn't explain who replied.

Xales I've always insisted on condom use with him because it was just casual and I realised he may have other casual things going on, but if he does have a GF I imagine they don't use them.

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AnyFucker · 04/03/2013 09:10

Why just a gf?

Could be a wife

Original poster

Finwort · 04/03/2013 09:17

AF if it's a wife I'm afraid I'll be very angry indeed.
I've been to his place many times and haven't seen any evidence of anyone else living there.

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Original poster

Finwort · 04/03/2013 09:20

Well this has obviously put the wind up him. Just had a text that says 'on my way home now to check phone, don't call or text again till I've spoken to you, just to be on the safe side'
So now he's trying to make me complicit?
twunt

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OutsideOverThere · 04/03/2013 09:22

Finwort I am not a bloke, but I have to admit I'm a bit baffled by this approach.
It seems like you're having a casual relationship with him - which to me (and to him I imagine) would imply that you just do sex, no attachment, no commitment, no responsibility to one another (excepting basic human decency and possibly using protection).

The way you're talking about it sounds like you feel he owes you something more - that if he had found someone else he would tell you. While on principle yes, this would be the best thing, in practice he doesn't seem to feel that he does want to tell you this stuff.

Essentially it sounds like he feels it's his business alone - after all isn't that the point of a no strings relationship - that you can end it when you like, take from it what you want, and owe nothing for what you have taken.

My guess is that this is how he will see it - and it almost looks like you have given him permission to treat you in this way by entering into such an arrangement. I don't want to sound harsh but I am reading this thinking, 'It was never a relationship - he owes you very little - and what did you honestly expect?'

I'm sorry to put it like that but I suspect he has taken what you offered in the mistaken belief that it would be for free. He doesn't have to tell you if there is someone else though he does owe you the decency to stop sleeping with you if so.

NippyDrips · 04/03/2013 09:23

It sounds like he has started a new relationship before Christmas but kept things going with you incase it didn't work out. He didn't tell you because he knew you would end it with him.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2013 09:23

Safe side?

Wtf does that mean? Is he going to try and plead some sort of CIA conspiracy theory?

His phone hacked ?

Aliens from mars?

An invasion of lizards?

OutsideOverThere · 04/03/2013 09:24

If he is married/ in a formal relationship with someone else then I agree he is a total cock. But I had the impression you'd known him quite a while?

Original poster

Finwort · 04/03/2013 09:30

AF, I'm going with the CIA conspiracy theory . I'm absolutely dying to hear his explanation.

outside I only expected from him what we agreed on at the start. We discussed it. Which was if either of us got involved with someone else we'd be honest about it and stop seeing each other. I don't knowingly get involved (just sex or anything else) with men who are in relationships, and the only expectations that I had from him was for him to tell me if/when that happened. Plus the point is that he's very likely lying to someone else who DOES think he owes her more.

OP posts:

Original poster

Finwort · 04/03/2013 09:31

outside I've known him for about 18 months and started having sex with him just less than a year ago.

OP posts:

Imaginethat · 04/03/2013 09:32

Don't call or txt again? OK he isn't v bright is he? Too bad you hadn't texted saying Are you up to our usual Friday night shag?

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