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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does he have a GF? Dodgy text

125 replies

Finwort · 03/03/2013 21:50

NC for this.
I've been sleeping with this guy on and off for nearly a year, it's very casual.
It's quite normal for us to text or call one another late at night, typical booty call.
We've both agreed that if either of us meets someone, we will tell the other, ie this is only acceptable as long as we are both single.
Last saw him on Tuesday, everything was fine.

Sent him a text last night, about 11.30pm, just said 'are u busy?' . I got a reply straight away saying 'hello..why do you ask..and who is this ?'
First thing I did was check that I'd sent it to the right number, which I had.
Now I'm thinking he's got a GF and it was her who saw the text and replied to it.
I feel horrible about this, if he's with someone he hasn't told me and I feel bad for her, but there again as he's having sex with me on the side this has probably done her a favour to find out what he's like.

I haven't text him again, if he does have a GF I don't want to cause any further trouble, but I'm more than a bit pissed off if he has because he's lied to me too.

Anyway, just wondering what others make of the text reply. I can't find any other explanation. Any other suggestions?

OP posts:

Blu · 04/03/2013 16:13

Well said, Finwort.

badinage · 04/03/2013 16:18

Oh FFS this isn't the OP's fault, nor is it the fault of No Strings Sex as a concept.

The fault lies with a man who has lied to at least two women.

OP you've done everything right here. You've dumped his sorry ass as soon as you realised the deceit. You've agreed to be honest if his wife contacts you.

You've been honest throughout about your expectations and you've got nothing to reproach yourself about either your actions or your lifestyle.

NippyDrips · 04/03/2013 16:38

I would feel exactly the same as you op, being fwb is not the same as being the ow and he had no right to make that choice for you.

I have had nsa sex plenty of times, all the benefit and none of the complications of a relationship, its win win.

Estherbelle · 04/03/2013 17:01

"You've got nothing to reproach yourself about either your actions or your lifestyle."

I would agree that the way you've handled ditching this man is spot on.

I also understand not wanting a relationship and I understand having a high sex drive, but I can't help thinking if the sex was that good - as in mind blowingly good - it would bond you to that person? That's not being moralistic, it's a physiological fact, surely? That's why I don't understand NSA sex.

FascinatingNewThing · 04/03/2013 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Finwort · 04/03/2013 19:14

Another thing that some people seem to have overlooked here is that I knew this man for 6 months before we started to have sex.
He never mentioned a wife during all of that time. It's not like I met him, had sex with him and knew nothing about him. That gives me the creeps, to think he purposely didn't tell me about her. Or even didn't concoct a 'separation' and woe is me cock and bull story. It's downright weird.

And for those who are attributing his behaviour to our NSA agreement, he tried several times, as I've already mentioned, to move things forward between us. He'd have been quite happy to be letting me think I was his GF in an exclusive relationship with him if I'd wanted that.

Anyway thanks again for the support. I hope his DW already knows that he's a twunt and this has given her the push she needed to tell him to fuck off.

OP posts:

Imaginethat · 04/03/2013 22:02

Finwort, sorry to hear he turned out to be a lying bastard. The level of deceit some people are able to live with astounds me.

Good for you telling him to piss off and let's hope his dw figures it out too.

Imaginethat · 04/03/2013 22:02

I suppose you could still send him a raunchy text this Friday night using his name...

ChateauCollapso · 04/03/2013 22:18

What a liar. You're well rid.

MooMooSkit · 04/03/2013 22:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Estherbelle · 04/03/2013 22:52

"People can just have sex with people and there be nothing else to it."

Yes, they CAN, but as you said it was nothing compared to what you have with your current OH and in my opinion it's cheap to settle for less than the real deal just because you're desperate.

"It was a shag and I needed it." I'm trying to respond to that in a way that's not insulting and I can't, so I think I'll leave it there.

Bogeyface · 04/03/2013 22:54

I think you should leave it there Esther

Just because you can't wrap your head around the concept doesnt mean that someone who does it is cheap or a slag or a slapper or just plain desperate.

seaofyou · 04/03/2013 22:56

Fin did you ever go to house/flat for sex?

So he was asleep and he had his mobile by the bed and his wife found the phone...wife must have been in same bedroom/bed to hear that phone go off?

I reckon he got one phone with 2 sims and he forgot to change the sim card and you called!

It is a shame his wife cant be told as the twunt is possibly looking for his next OW unless he got several on the go.

seaofyou · 04/03/2013 22:57

go to his house/flat for sex?

Bluelightsandsirens · 04/03/2013 23:11

I've just read the thread in one to and no way does the op hold any blame, I think op has acted fantastically and no doubt he will think he has gotton away with his actions.

LittleEdie · 05/03/2013 00:45

"The OP has acted fantastically"

I agree with Blue

Monty27 · 05/03/2013 01:32

The complications FWB's eh?

Hesterton · 05/03/2013 05:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

giraffesCantDateDucks · 05/03/2013 05:33

What a wanker! :(

Original poster

Finwort · 05/03/2013 10:31

Thanks again to everyone who's offered support.

Today's a new start and I'm feeling great.

Hesterton, I'm in a very similar to situation as you were. Long marriage that ended nearly 10 years ago. I would like another committed relationship eventually, but for now I'm not ready.

seaofyou yes, I went to his apartment frequently, in fact we met there more often than we met at my house because I preferred being there. And yes, his DW, you know the one he's separated from was in the same bed as him on Saturday night.

OP posts:

Ormiriathomimus · 05/03/2013 11:59

"I asked him how come he'd apparently forgotten that he was married and hadn't told me, and he said he didn't think I'd be up for having sex with him if I knew"

No shit sherlock

Ormiriathomimus · 05/03/2013 12:00

Good for you OP.

flurp · 05/03/2013 12:27

I would far rather be a mutually agreed booty call for a FWB than an OW to a married man.
The latter is far far cheaper IMO.
Just because there was no relationship doesn't mean that honesty and decency has to go out the window as well.

seaofyou · 05/03/2013 17:56

So Fin did you find out if he is still with his wife?

I wonder if the wife doesn't know?

Very odd he is sharing bed with wife he is separated from?

Glad you were able to drop this scumbag without to much hurt. You deserve better even if a FWB situation. Wish his wife could know so she could kick the scumbag to the kerb too.

sallyfromthealley · 05/03/2013 18:23

This exact same thing has just happened to me but I found out after he told me when I ended it. Now I keep looking back and think about the lies, the deceit, the manipulation. How could he have maintained such a lie for a year? Even though I knew it wasn't going to go beyond a fwb situation, he still deliberately lied, set me up and played me. The only reason I can come up with is the exact one your guy said, he knew I wouldn't have had sex with him if I had known the truth! Also OP, you are doing much better than me - you seem really sorted and will move on quickly whereas I still have it all in my head and can't get rid.

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