Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

that was for tis ooops!

y y snow & Mink about having somewhere outside to take it all, couldn't agree more, and to learn what the fuck just happened! to get clarity and feel whole again i hoping some of that xx

snow thanks.
Have realised things gave changed. in the past i could, after an 'episode' of unreasonable behaviour, get him to (appear) to see sense/ a viewpoint other than his own.

So i have been trying to do that in as reasonable a way as I can manage (whilst being a bit ) but of course it no longer works because in the past he must have been doing it to Hoover me. as he now knows he has no hope of getting me back all he can do is exact revenge and he has no incentive ti even pretend to be rational.

Just had a bit of a frank chat with my mum. she often used to stick up for him/ criticise my reactions in front of him (although privately agree with me) because she thought the was somehow brokering peace and see has issues from when i was a teenager brat.

Then he would yes what see had said to back up his opinions.

v unhelpful

Anyway she said again if only you could both see there was fault on both sides. so i said look mum he has been abusing me for years. he is nasty to me. he is not right in the head. you really would not want to hear some of the things he says to me. yes sometimes you heard me be resentful if him because i was angry because i was being abused. i should have left him years ago but i didn't partly because you encouraged me to put up with it. (i don't know maybe i should not have said that bit )

Feh.

Yes what see use what she

Right now i am finding emotionally this is harder that being with him. Not saying i would go back!!

It is the emotionally trauma of having to see it for what it was. the self doubt
the kicking myself. and the constantly going over it in my head going 'that was abuse wasn't it' and the enormity of the mistakes i made. And seeing myself as someone who allowed myself to be teamed that way.

sorry i know most of you had/have so much more to put with.

I am wondering whether i am better letting it all out and talking about it or if that is worsening the trauma. maybe i should just squash it all down into a box labelled 'don't go there' and stop thinking about it. it is over now.

snow reading again what you said. sorry you are in tough position with ex. i know exactly what you mean about them exerting control. i find it so hard to put up with 'injustice'. (that's what my mum was getting at. sometimes it is better to bite your tongue when words do no good)

but do you think effective co parenting will ever be possible? It requires 2 effective parents. so i am thinking let him think he has control. it is his loss it really is. why am i still fighting to try to stop him doing things that are bad for him?

Mink this whole 'both sides of things' is a fing smokescreen that FWs can fing hide behind.
It is a tiny, weeny, minuscule, step from 'seeing both sides' to abuse being being ALL our fault.

Rihanna, Reeva Steenkamp, were, must have been complicit.
We all are - according to those who, by talking about 'both f*ing sides, become accomplices of the shit faces out there.
Sorry for rant sorry for French - very rusty, as you can see ;)
I used to be one of those people before Lundy

mink, I am going to come back to what you have said later as don't have much time at the moment, and there is loads to say. So, not ignoring your comments.
But just quickly: >>maybe i should just squash it all down into a box labelled 'don't go there' and stop thinking about it

There's a comma missing - I meant my second long term relationship, I thought at the time he was the love of my life, but I only realised this summer that it was an abusive relationship.

I loved your russty french arth very nutritious!

Mink only you can decide, i know its a tough place to go, am wading through it here daily, all the rsealisations and things not noticed now aware of, serious things missed when lesser things picked up on, who's the abuser/controller/dominator oh that would be me then, and still is, without any interaction! the self doubt, all of those things. and snow ...

I can only say that the travelling down has allowed some travelling along and over a couple of huge hurdles for me. I have never realised before how much I need the specialist EAers who understand this to help me get straight. I lived in fear/on eggshells, thought I could manage it , now realise how ground down I was til nothing much left. Now I know there are lots of moments of wonderful calm and peace. The things I travelled over in this journey have faded into the dim distance very quickly and I feel free of them. Still a very bumpy ride still scarey and unsure, but keeping the faith and hope that every contact with those in the know reinforces the strength and courage to make those moments become the norm. I dont' know what I'm doing, but I know the massive strides forward (I can actually do a minimal amount of conscious decision-making now in the face of his FWittery!) and I am learning to keep a good distance, simple things, but I didn't know them, and I certainly didn't have control of my brain when he was around, can't do anything major but can safety exit situation without wailing, shaking and running for the hills!

I feel I have to do this so that I will never feel this way again, I'm determined I'm not going to, but most days I don't know which way is up

Only recently did I discover how deeply fearful I am of men (irrationally, just a blanket, all men, I only learn through FP that some do the nicest things and truly love women!) anyhow, my rant, I know it doesn't sound an enticing prospect, but I know its the only way to get to me, and on from there.

I am not interested in smoke and mirrors any more and want to see straight throgh smokescreens! strength to you both xx

Why should you sacrifice your mental health by "squashing" your right feelings and actions into a box and denying them.

You deserve more and the FWs deserve to be seen for what they are.

Does not make you a nasty person. Being honest is not nasty.
Does not mean you have to pick fights.
note behaviour, name it, move on.

refuse to minimise, dissemble or otherwise submit to bad behaviour

Thanks for the good advice.
Think i foolishly thought once he was gone i could pick myself up, dust myself off, have a few counselling sessions and walk away from it and by now I'd be starting to feel better.

I mean i did get out of this relationship so easily. i asked him to leave, he left. he asked to come back. i said no. if only everyone had it that easy.
I feel almost ungrateful for not coping better with such an easy escape.

On the plus side, i have had normal relationships before and someday i hope to again. i know there are nice men out there. just need to hone my judgement a bit.

Bought some more f u flowers. And threw some awesome pots this morning- my best ever. (pottery not crockery throwing)

I am taking notes fool note it name it move on

Hey mink never squash it in. I have internalised my anger/frustration for years, and it nearly killed me, literally!

Never be scared to go back to counselling if you need to.

As for me, still no movement on my new house so still with the fw.

He announced today that when I move out I will be just an aquantance (sp) and not friends as I apparently want.

Must admit although I tried my best not to let it show it hurt a bit. I feel so :( for dd that her dad can't be even a little bit decent.

On Tuesday, he practically bullied her into a cuddle by making her feel bad she was on my lap and not his. When I had a go at him after she went to bed, he said yes well I will force her to have a cuddle like you will force her to visit me every week! Not that he knows that I have been recommended by my solicitor visits will be every other

Fw.

Strength and love to all

Sending hugs, Leclerc. It always all happens at once.

I know I've said it before, but you do need to make sure you are looking after yourself, building in time for you. A friend said to me: You can't keep the car running if there's no fuel in it. My HV told me to try and do one positive/nice thing for myself every day. I don't manage it every day, but it does help a bit.

Having said all that, I know the 'positivity' mumbo jumbo doesn't help when there are kids to look after and a house to run and the realities of life. You are fabulous person and such a great mum, but sometimes you need to be selfish and put yourself and your needs before theirs.

sending (((hugs)) here too Tis put the clocks forward and tell everyone its time for bed! Sometimes enough is enough. R &R for you now. I hope today's extra duties haven't over-burdened. xx

Tisleclerc, hugs from me too. I found your words earlier really kind and helpful. You obviously have a tremendous amount to give, a very caring person. But that is also the thing which wears you out, because who is giving to you?

So, pony is right, a bit of kindness to yourself. If your FW and you were still together, you would still have to deal with meltdowns, homework would not do itself, but it is because there is the additional pressure of feeling like you are doing it all on yourself and you have to do it so much better, so you can't get anything thrown at you. Just like my house would still be a mess at this stage of the week, I would still be tired, the only difference is that the critic now is in my head because I have internalised it, and I don't want my FW to see anything less than a fully functioning household in case he thinks it is all falling apart in his absence (whereas he did not much anyway!).

You are human. Don't take your FW's stick and beat yourself up with it. If he can't empathise with the difficulties of parenting, that is because he is a FW and he abdicated responsibility, it's not because you are not managing. it is human to be tired in your situation.

Sending more hugs your way tis

Can't add to other posts, but do you write your thoughts down when/if you get a quiet moment? Just that I have found it helpful. I use an an android app and write it all down in a diary. It empties the head of thoughts I have found.

mmm same tis re getting support/sympathies, said same to fp lady today as ready to waaah... thats good to hear that went positively for you/them.

tis how are you off for babysitters?
Dsd looks after her siblings for me. makes all the difference just knowing i will get out. ( bit paranoid ex might poison her against me but am hoping she is smart enough not to believe it having spent most of her childhood with him slagging off her mum)

bit of you time might do wonders

Dilllie i offered ex friendship initially. then realised it was a mistake. I resent him too much and if i were his friend I would be saying it is all ok. anyway he is much much to angry and self pitying to want to be my friend. he thinks i don't deserve it after the terrible thing i have done

It's called Diaro. You can lock it too for security :)

She is 18 now. and a student so i pay her but she is v reasonable and she has a bed in my house if i am out late cos they used to stay in my house for their access visits (during the time when i was treating ex as 'domestic slave' using him for childcare (his own kids) he had his kids in my house for their access visits - i made their beds and their food and often looked after them. not complaining. love them to bits. just noting how skewed his view is.)