Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hey ladies. Apologies for my extended absence, and I apologise for not being in touch with goings on here. I was unwell, then DD was unwell, and life has been busy. I'm studying for my next exam in the summer so that keeps me busy too.

Things have been so, so hard. FW has started his new job closer to home, which is actually making things more difficult for me. Now he has a shiny new car he's in a good mood, and generally more generous than he was. But all it is is smoke and mirrors. Nothing has changed. I was foolish enough to think that we were turning a corner, that maybe the worst was over. How stupid.

I've caught myself thinking in the way I used to, worrying how he would respond to things. It keeps me awake at night. I'd only hoodwinked myself into thinking things had changed. The other day I'd found a bird table on Freecycle and asked him to help me pick it up after work. We got to the house (which was in a not-so-nice area which immediately made him snappy and twitchy), and unfortunately the table was a bit too big for the car. He started shouting at me in the street, while I tried to unscrew it and take it apart. I asked him for help and he looked at me with such venom, like he did when he hit me last year. His eyes go dark, and the skin around his eyes goes black. It made my blood run cold.

We havn't really spoken since. I can't bear to talk to him and I'm angry at myself. He doesn't understand why I'm angry and is giving the silent treatment back. There is no way out, no end in sight. I can't afford to get out, I have nowhere to go. I have no faith that anything will get better no matter what happens. I'm ashamed to put DD through this and sometimes wish I'd never had her, so at least she would have been protected from this mess.

Anyway, I ramble. I'll try to get on here more often. Love and strength to all xxx

my dd had a team of doc/nurses around trying to hook up iv canula, wires, oxyen and tubes all over and the monitor for heart/sats etc kept going off, it was my job to sit and keep DD calm, part of which was to keep turning off the alarms that her out of control stats were causing. When FW turned up lead nurse told FW to keep switching off the alarm instead of me doing that too, as was incredibly difficult place to get to from wher I was, but was happening every few mins. He just stood at the end of the bed. she told him again... he came and did it. then just stood there while the alarms went off again, she gave up telling him in the end, so I had to keep doing it (the point being DD really didn't need to hear the alarms aswell as everything else). upshot, excruciating trapped nerve for me, he went home had good night sleep.FW sorry thats boring.. but trying really hard here to validate myself, keep slipping back into its me thats rubbish!

Kitty, I don' know if you can rely on DC to ring you. Maybe things are different now with mobile phones, but I never even told my mum if my dad went on a bender when she was away. It would have caused rows and somehow I felt it was my fault. Mind you, my mum never asked. I get what you are saying about being bad cop, but if your kids are old enough to phone, they are old enough to understand going might not be safe. It is a difficult one.

Nini, that sounds really hard. Just going to send you love and strength back for now. I can't say what your way out will be, but a saying from the mother of my best BFF helped me in dark times - There is always a horizon beyond the one you see. I hope that doesn't sound trite.

aw nini scarey stuff, sorry to hear. shame to be angry at self instead of him, but hmm too scarey. I think not foolish Nini just ever hopeful, mmm.. .me too.. it'll be alright, oh, he's getting a bit better, then bang.. one look, then we know love and strength to you too xx

not old enough to understand safety implications, mums call that one. Many here struggle as fully grown ladies to grasp full understanding of when its safe, isn't that the point. but I agree althgoht they can call, doesn't mean they will, again for fear of some reprisal.

Nini hello lovely, so good to hear from you, though in sad circumstances The bird table thing sounds just awful and I know what you mean re the eyes and the skin round them going dark when the shit's hitting the fan

Kitty your position sounds so difficult too. Well done for remaining strong. Good luck and lots of support with standing your ground for what you know is right.

As I mentioned before, the cafcass (or whatever it's called) people got in touch with fw as well as me today. I couldn't speak to them at the time but he did. It's wound him up massively, he's furious that my "fantasies" about his actions (that I put into court doc) are still playing against him - "the shit I've piled on him" I told him that this was a result of my reaction to HIS actions. He has been ranting at me just now, called me down by slamming furniture around and them coming up to where ds was sleeping in with me (having had to be soothed to sleep after fw shouted at him at precisely bed time . So he barges in without knocking, wakes up ds and shouts at me for not making myself available to talk to him about cafcass. He is now referring to the rejected mediator as a "bitch" btw.

He told me I am cold, manipulative and have a plan which I am working towards. I asked him to tell me the plan because I would love to know it, feeling in a fog as I am. So many small but evil things were said in the discussion, I can't write them all down though I should. Shitsville, basically.

As soon as I somewhat shakily came back upstairs to bed (ds asleep again thank goodness), dcat came rushing in and cuddled me very affectionately

Hiya nini -you sound very let down and sad at the moment.

Oh hell fi that's a nightmare. Poor you and poor DD. You're not rubbish! But I understand the battle you are having with yourself x

Hi snowshapes - they are smart and my teen is already quite vocal about his drinking on occasion. But in any case he has a lot of assurances to give if he is to take them, and at the moment he is concentrating his efforts on sending me abusive texts. I am so sorry your Mum never asked. xx

breathe thank you and oh that sounds like a real shitstorm . Ah you are evil and conniving with your master plan - me too! Do you think he has finished for tonight? The cat knows the truth. Hope you can rest x

kitty I bloody hope he's finished for the night but I can't relax! I've put a chair in front of door (coz that'll keep a large angry man out, yeah!) - more of an early warning system - but I don't think he's going to bother me again tonight. I was actually quite interested to hear about my "plan" but when pressed he couldn't really come up with anything. I was thinking, hmm, maybe he can give me some ideas

Ah well, sleep well, lovely ones. I loved the phrase about the horizon, it's very comforting.

long dark night of the FWs tonight ladies

kitty hi. another one left to make all the hard decisions. sorry you are having a tough time.

fi how awful. even in the hardest time he can't step up.

nini it never takes much for them to revert to type.

sorry i don't have much to offer other than condolences.

T'would be great to find out you have a brilliant plan breathe that had just slipped your mind!

Oh minkembra sorry it's fw night round your way too. Sounds serious? x

I need some sleep now. Hope you all find a peaceful slumber.

Kitty, for me it is a long time past. you seem to be more on the ball about making sure your DC are okay. But it is shit for all of you (I mean that sympathetically, not that you need to be told).

hope you are all okay. Breathe, I hope you can get some sleep, that sounds very, very stressful.

breath it must be grim him i invading your space. yeah for cats. on total OT he you ever tried playing harmonica to cat? mine loved it more than cat nip.

Nah kitty ex can't do anything worse to me than send me abusive emails telling me how much he hates me and how he took pity on me when no one else would have me. how he is not seeing the kids because this is my fault. Completely rewriting history. Blah Blah Blah.

What do you reckon tis? 'house'!

Time to stop trying to reason. He has told me he will go to the police if i contact him again. he can show the polis the email thread in which he is foul mouthed if he wants

Still he is right no more contact. he can have his minimal contact time with the kids.

I was mostly sad that everyone else seems to be having a real night of it.

Boing time for bed.

Re-writing history is a special FW talent, I think.

He believes every word of it though so what can you do? His version casts him as the charitable hero tricked into having children with a deranged money grabbing bitch that no one else would touch so that she (the villain) could cruelly use him for domestic chores and free babysitting before finishing with him for a absolutely no reason leaving him virtually destitute.
(he has 2 houses)

If this were true and I had been living the high life off his money while he slaved away in my house looking after my kids you would have to wonder why i finished with him.

Oh that's right because I am a bitch.

In his head these are now the actual facts.

And he apparently cannot spend more time with his kids because he does not have a gf to help him and well because I am a bitch.

tis normal reasonable people would be glad their kids are getting a holiday and make alternative arrangements.

Going to say something mean. ex currently reminds me if a parasite that is thrashing about because it does not have a host.

Apparently he spent more time with the older kids because he 'owed' their mum because he left her for OW.

do you see? Flawless logic

Sorry for multiple rants i first the rules don't try to talk to a completely irrational person as if they are reasonable.

Really hope i don't have to worry about the kids when he has them.

first forgot the rules

always around! lurking!!!! hard to keep up with this thread sometimes

yes tis very minor wobbles today by comparison thanks. Starting to find feet a lot better now, still feel mad as proverbial tho sorting through. and likewise tis? hope good thursday for you.. .. Fi

like and like Mink the parasite analogy v. good. and the expecting reason from the unreasonable

hope you managed to relax and rest last night fly xx

He believes every word of it though so what can you do?

I remember that from last week, was a mess! but had only had 2 hrs sleep from being triggered by interactions with DD the night before plus I had double appt with doc to go through poss. meds. by the time i got to FP I was already in meltdown! I think I got a grip of myself about hf hour b4 the end, actually no I didn't atall as I stayed after for coffee to 'get a grip' b4 leaving! Was a toughie for you, but very good strong words you say, and I'm sure there will be an again for you. These realisations are so good, if so difficult to handle. xx