Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hello and support to all.

Match I think my tolerance of being treated like shit is also a result of low self esteem issues. Also, although I love my family now, when I was a child there were some seriously weird things going on. As the youngest of a wild and woolly dysfunctional family, I think I mopped up everything - dm would put all her high emotion of df's affairs onto my shoulders and threaten suicide. Dsis would release her anger and hatred onto me as the easier target. I dearly love them both but it's taken me years to throw off the shackles of all of that (plus Df was very odd at times and very abusive verbally when he felt like it) They have all changed massively and I seriously love and value them, but I do acknowledge totally the role they played in what I am. But I think I also have a natural tendency to be quite passive and tolerant which is fertile ground for a fw.

OK navel gazing over, sorry

Another one who has been daydreaming of decorating my own house for ages. 'Our' house is also his sofa, his pictures, his kitchen not that he uses it

He has been soooo nice the last couple of days. Makes me realise how much I will miss the good days although the bad days really do cancel them out. Still I feel sick in my stomach when I think about leaving. I think because I know it's real this time and final.

just a little something to add to the parents contribution to our current Fw situation.

I was beaten as a child, no details here, will spare you that, but that made me set a very clear boundary (I might not have had any others!), but being beaten was a very easy and identifiable line when crossed. It was always there as an invisible threshold for me, I knew I would have power if only he would have hit me! he knew that tho, and he knew I would tell the world as I would have complete validation. So, just saying that for me, previously PA meant a learning and a boundary for me. He would say only a proper cunt would hit a girl, he's quite the city gent dontcha know!

I would say in the face of the rages, you are just trying to punch me verbally, and tell him he may as well just do what he really wanted to do (as he stood there fists clenched, punching his head, the wall, throwing things). I would have understood then.... does it sound weird to say, he would never give me that?

Leclerc - I know. But I don't think she's anywhere near being ready to leave yet. But I don't honestly know what will make her be ready.

Breathe - I am the same, passive and overly tolerant.

bounty - I still miss the good days. Especially after seeing him at the weekend and imagining all the nice stuff he was doing with her, the new girlfriend. But then I've also been remembering all the awful stuff. And it was awful. It's time for you, life will be better.

I expended all my energy decorating house, its all gone now

bounty go for telling your parents. I felt so much better for telling them. Also like match I felt so much better and stronger once lots of people knew.

Support comes from the most surprising places, and I have been bowled over by how supportive everyone has been once they knew the truth.

X-post Fi. Everything about your post makes me feel so , and so for you. I think I know what you mean, that he wouldn't give you that. Not even that. Thinking of you, get some rest.

Leclerc - . I know how you feel.

Anyway, night all. Better times tomorrow, hopefully.

Them?! I mean mine

I need sleep

Couldn't find GBs thread.
Maybe i shouldn't look.

Feeling a lack of silly myself tonight which is not like me. silliness in the face of adversity in generally my MO. Confuses people a bit though.

Re. houses one of exs big peeves was that this is my house, my stuff etc. So he would relate to you guys on that. only difference is he didn't lift a finger other than dishes in this house, nor contribute a penny and he had his own house.

He used to tell me to 'take it out on my friends' even said once 'go and tell your f''ing friends to open the curtains in the morning'. How? How does that even make sense?

Can't say i am missing that carry on.
Tonight anthem - sun comes up its Tuesday morning by the cowboy junkies.

Featuring the classic lines-
'There are some things that can never be forgiven
and i gotta say 'd rather listen to Coltrane than go through all that shit again'
[...]
And i kinda like this extra few feet in my bed.

Which i do. plus no snoring. no throwing himself about in the bed melodramatic stylee. no turning the light on in the middle of night. and no 'accidentally' elbowing me so hard it left a huge black Mark because i was allegedly taking up too much room.

zzzzzzzz

cheers Pony no, sadly, not feeling silly tonight. Just deflated and exhausted and still catching up I think from being a bit ill.

He can't do that now, but I learnt from the bad childhood treatment and although I never said it, something about me was very strong in that respect, it became a line never to be crosssed for me personally. I think no matter my situation, I knew physical asault, recognised it and understood and child PA gave me that. But we all have weaknesses and he was sooo good at rooting them out!

better days ahead xx (hoping for some energy soon)x

I left GB for a long time, just lurked for a bit, but I don't think she can fully close her eyes again. She does this now in the knowledge... and if, she keeps up with WA and continues to speak the way she has started, things will rapidly escalate (for her I mean). she will leave, evenutally I believe. I hope.

fi (((hug)))

Just had a look at GB thread, serious stuff

On childhood (mine) - believe I am AS daughter of AS DF and possibly AS DM. Few social skills to model, a right way of doing things, an unhappy DM and oblivious DF. I managed to find an AS bloke from a similar family (perhaps not to difficult in a physics dept) and thought we would support each other - and having fixed on this idea, aided by the thought that if I hurt it must be love, stubbornly persisted in it, despite warning signs.

I understand my parents and myself much better now. But who the fuck was/is my Ex?

fi hope you get your spark back soon. always hard when you have been proper poorly.

I think it is a boundary for That(some of) them too. they think if they manage not to hit you (even whenyou deserve it ) that show how decent they are and proves in their minds that it is not abuse.

My ex would never see what he did as abuse. took me 5 years to recognise it for what it was. I'm still not 100% sure most of the time. so he will never see it that way because he never hit me. Never crossed the line because he too is a real man.

er not seen you for a few days. hope you are ok. you too Maggie.

So good Bounty y y v. nerve-racking I'm sure Keep going and keep your eye on the prize! surely will help?

I understand mine, they are toxic and haven't changed atall.

Mine did cross the line occasionally and that did in a sense give me the concrete reason to end it; although the ea was worse and more pervasive and damaging to me and dcs, it's so hard to pin down and so it's very difficult to end a marriage over it- when you come to name a reason it can be pulled apart so easily by the fws because it's the old death by a million paper cuts. Sorry am rambling!!

and despite being smacked etc, have never done, or would I, do it myself.

Mink houses one of exs big peeves was that this is my house, my stuff etc. ... only difference is he didn't lift a finger tick

He used to tell me to 'take it out on my friends' even said once 'go and tell your f''ing friends to open the curtains in the morning'. How? How does that even make sense? another tick, categorically stating nonsense with force, conviction and absolute entitlement. Most confusing as everything about the body language shouted his absolute belief, but I struggled to believe or understand what I was hearing! but, then again, of couse its not about whether we undestand is it, is it, only accepting his lord & master's words and carryin out their orders indeed!

... tis spot on Fly

I didn't understand until now why I ended it back then and still people don't get it, tis mind violence by stealth....

mind violence good phrase! (not a nice thing obv. just very apt)

still no response from ex re. childcare. no surprise. so I imagine he will have them 'usual' time this Saturday and then not at all for the next 3 weekends as he is working x2 and then they are busy the next. so he will see them for 3 entire hours in a month.

or no, more likely the rules will change as soon as it suits him goal posts will move. conversations will be denied- only it is a bit more difficult now they are all in writing.

we will see what we will see when time comes to go to the CSA and it will actually cost him more if he does not have them for more time.

btw- does anyone know what the craic is with the CSA these days? do you have to pay?

Am at work but distraught. Caffcass been in touch with both if us re upcoming hearing. Fw had put it out of his mind so full for e of his shock and anger on me. He's been normal ish recently so extra shock.

Just want to log this here:

e-mail number 4 from my enabler father in one year of NC. All of them more useless than the last.

#1: Long pdf letter that starts ponderously with him stating that his deep belief is that "a father should talk to his daughter" (...something he has never done in my 33 years on this earth). Then proceeds to demonstrate that he hasn't listened to a word I said in my NC letter.

#2: Birthday card. "You should forgive and forget". Still now acknowledgement of my feelings though, let alone admitting fault or making amends.

#3: Christmas card. "Let bygones be bygones". No acknowledgement, ditto.

#4: Birthday card for my dog, in which he talks about how involved he was in her first month with me and how he hopes to see her again. It is truly a sad and pathetic oeuvre, on a pink e-card.

I have actually been thinking of renewing contact. But seriously, each new e-mail from him just sets me back. What a thoroughly useless father and clueless man.

tis glad you are so upbeat.

breath sorry I don't know much about caffcass but wishing you the best. hang in there and hopefully you be free of it all soon.