Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
what couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17
foolonthehill · 17/02/2013 13:51
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tis it is constant emotion stress. it is wearing. however, do you know what the cure for female hysteria was?
Tell you later if you don't.
Hope you get some help with ds. you are doing right thing reaching out.
Bertie
So counselling today. gained a bit of clarity
One of the reasons the access has been bothering me is i keep clinging on to my 'at leasts' at least he is a good dad etc. not to excuse him but to explain why oh why did i choose him. he never ceases to disappoint and i feel like it reflects badly on me and my choices if he has no redeeming features.
This is my new manifesto to self:
1 Do not engage with ex. Tempting though it is the refute his nonsense. why bother. he believes whatever is in his head. you cannot change him
2 stop reacting. Start doing what you want.
3 be nice to yourself. go to bed earlier. buy flowers. you will get though this.
4 you need to work through this. it is exhausting and painful but it is part of the healing process. but don't let it define you or take up all your time and energy
5 make an honest assessment of your motives in getting involved with him and for staying. (i don't have history of abusive relationships...but there were reasons)
6 you don't need a man. i am fine as i am and i definitely don't need someone just to show him that actually other people do want me. (see 2) and right now you don't have much to bring to a relationship other than baggage. no time and no energy. wait til you are coming from a good place.
7 celebrate small triumphs and laugh a lot. (more Miranda required). count your blessings; beautiful kids, family, job, your own home where the kids feel secure, support on MN and in RL.
Onwards and upwards.
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Mink, you minx! I know what the cure was!!!!! 
Fab news Bertie. I can feel a commune weekend coming on next month! 
Leclerc - glad DS1 is getting some help too. Been meaning to ask, is he still in his nest by your bed? How's that working? Hope you have some you TLC time booked over the weekend (see 3 and 4 of Mink's fab list).
Definitely onwards and upwards, dearhearts!!
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!!!!!
Am laughing quite hard. I think I might have the female hysterics. Medic!!!!!
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Well that is at least one laugh for today checked off. I'm up for a wild adventure. fnar.
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Haven't been around for a few days (lots of talking and trying not to engage in guilt tripping). I told my sisters about leaving FW and they are pleased for me and have been great. FW has told his mum and is moving out on Mother's Day (the irony is not lost on me). Starting to feel much better already. FWs mum is saying he is the way he is as his dad died when he was 7 and he never grieved properly. FW and his mum are taking DD and I to the train station to visit my parents and then they are continuing on for a few more hours to visit his Dads grave 
. I feel awful saying this but I am not looking forward to that car journey and tbh I think it is too easy for him to blame his behaviour on his dads death.
good news Lahti !! and you feeling better already, the fog is lifting! (if thats the cause of FWittery then he knows how to get himself sorted out then, and he should have dealt with it long since, or how about his mother getting help when he was only 7)... but is surely a goood way to try to extract sympathies... aw .. bless ... grrrr!
Laughing at all the fnar fnar, fix for female hysteria... how come that service stopped!
Bertie yay! too for you... all looking up, y y onwards and upwards!
hectic day starting with hospital and now counted 3 complete drenchings in my attempts to be outdoorsy and getting fit. sets of dripping clothes hanging all round house, despite the getting drenched, now feeling quite zingy from all the cycling. Fourth ride out in next half hour, off to refuel the bike strong hot coffee for meeeeee!
Oh yay cool ladies, its the w/end.. right off to book some friday night female hysteria treatment 
xx
lahti it does not really matter why he behaves the way he does. He behaves that way and there is not reason that means you should be the one to put up with it.
he can deal with the why but you should not have to deal with the behaviour.
fi yeah for cycling- wish I could get out more but the kids are too big to drag around in their trailer anymore. soon though. and as for drecnhing- apparently, allegedly the negative ions in rainfall are good for your mood. so they say (its what I tell myself when I am soaked to me pants (and not in a meet the veggies way!))
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Hi girls, just lost another bloody post from phone, written in haste in bathroom... am panicking as Cafcass has written to fw to tell him a letter has been lodged with court re our case. In it it's found a previous conviction from years ago for GBH (not against me) and also record of me asking for advice a couple of years ago, which I had not asked any action to be taken on. Literally everything is there and fw is shocked devastated and is saying I am evil and horrible. Fuck, great weekend coming up
PS yeay to bertie a millions yeahs in fact. 
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