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Original poster

So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...

301 replies

Beckett3 · 22/01/2013 02:56

and I'm lost.

We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.

We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently Sad what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.

I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.

My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.

I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.

Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 02/02/2013 10:49

Hope you feel better soon, Beckett. As if you didn't have enough to deal with Thanks.

Original poster
Beckett3 · 02/02/2013 15:53

Well today was h's first day to spend with the children, he wanted to do it here, I had previously asked him to take down the Christmas lights, yes they were still up and he did, but later told me he was under strict instructions not to do anything for me whatsoever. She wanted me, pregnant and all to climb up a ladder and unhook all the decorations and lights.

She also spent all day messaging him, accusing him of stuff, essentially not giving him any proper time to spend with the children. Then the icing on the cake was our eldest had asked him to take her somewhere to get new school shoes, yes we all went and apparently despite living 40 ish miles away and there being a closer store for her to go to, saw us all out in the car together stalker much, he's now gone over there as she's told him it's over and he has to come pick his stuff up and has cut his time with the children short, does this sound like a plan to anyone else?

I'm now sitting here worried that she's going to make him choose between her and the children and I honestly don't have any idea what he'll decide.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 02/02/2013 16:14

Sorry no advice, but how entitled is this woman??? What sort of a human being cuts into a father's time with his DC like that??? The 'stalking' is a huge concern too. She obviously has serious issues...

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 02/02/2013 16:48

She actually sounds evil Beckett3. She also sounds absolutely pathetic and more than a bit unhinged .

How do you know her texts were accusing him of stuff? Did he tell you? He's not very good at this is he?

He is in deep shit.

Good.

I hope if she chucks him out you are not going to allow him back.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 02/02/2013 16:53

Beckett that all sounds very intense and crazy. If their relationship is based on lies already it won't last even if there are lots of passionate breakups and reunions. It already sounds like there is no trust there. She sounds very desperate to keep him on a leash. He sounds desperate to hold onto her. This is going to go very, very badly.

I strongly suggest distancing yourself and it might be worth playing a long game with the kids and their relationship with their father so they don't get caught up in any cross-fire.

Don't waste time thinking about them but spend the time making sure that you protect yourselves from him trying to make a return to the house if it all goes tits up and making sure you feel physically secure. Just little things so you feel comfortable - perhaps pruning bushes back, if you were going to change locks do it now, asking him to take his next set of belongings etc. - means that if it does get even more intense and the glare is pointed at you you don't have to panic about it and you are in control.

Gosh. May your Sunday be a day of rest!

cenicienta · 02/02/2013 17:01

It doesn't look like this relationship is going to last too long does it.

So now you need a plan! Decide what you want from all of this (which shouldn't depend on him, her or the state of your relationship) then stick to that, whatever happens.

This is going to be a stormy ride, the winds will keep changing and there'll be times when you don't know what's hit you.

Stick to the plan, write a script if you have to. You can do this!

cenicienta · 02/02/2013 17:26

Sorry cross posted with TeaMakesIt

Should say "depend on their relationship, not your relationship

Original poster
Beckett3 · 02/02/2013 17:32

The thing is, I'm a nice person, I'm trustworthy and I don't lie and I can't stand people that aren't and do. I wouldn't take him back, he's broken everything we had, which while wasn't great, I did see as special.

I don't know why he felt the need to tell me everything, but I'm glad I know what kind of a person she is (even more than before) and I am afraid she might know where we live or what schools the children go to.

I know their relationship was based on lies and I know he kept blaming other people when she kept finding out the truth.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 02/02/2013 17:45

Beckett, darling, I honestly wouldn't get involved in his drama.

Keep your discussions to issues about the children and any financial matters. Stop him and tell him you don't want to hear it, if he tries to bring up anything else.It will take time for the message to sink in, but you are pregnant and have enough to deal with, without having to hear all about them and their nasty, sordid mess of a 'relationship'.

Skyebluesapphire · 02/02/2013 22:29

Beckett - I agree with CremeEgg - his problems are nothing to do with you and you should politely tell him that. You sound quite strong and definite that you don't want him back which is good, but you do need to disengage from his problems...

This woman is a bitch if she is intruding on his time with his kids. That is an extreme form of jealousy. She stole a married man , she knew he had kids, therefore she knew what she was getting into.... she cannot expect him not to see those kids.

If he chooses her over his own children, then he really is a waste of space. I have already had this happen on occasion with my own XH and his OW.... it shows exactly where their priorities lie....

zcos · 03/02/2013 05:59

yes she sounds incredibly needy and a bit of a stalker sounds like she pays him a lot of attention- or he gets a lot of attention. He simply sounds like a big child that hasn't grown up to me. I'm sure you had some fun times because of that but at the moment he sounds like he is only capable of being a father part time. It's so strange how she is manipulating him too. Theirs does sound like a train wreck of a relationship so steer well clear!
Sorry to hear you were ill too...especially when its been such an effort to eat! hope your feeling better... and keep doing things making plans for things to look forward to even if its DVD and pop corn with kids.

Jux · 03/02/2013 11:32

She is not worth your headspace, and nor is their relationship.

The only thing which concerns you is your children. Keep a note of what contact is arranged and what actually happens. You may never need it, but do it anyway.

(but hey! She's a bloody witch and they both deserve each other.)

Original poster
Beckett3 · 03/02/2013 14:54

New thing admitted to H that she followed him(80 mile round trip) to make sure he wasn't having anything to do with me, so that's on top of intentionally ruining his day with the children, sending cruel and threatening messages to his sister and continuing to tag him in evrything on fb knowing how much it upsets his daughter, all in one day.

He can't see that what she did was wrong although has no excuse for it, he also can't even reassure me that if he takes the children out next week that she won't be following him, he can't reassure me that she doesn't know where we live and if she was following she most likely does and he can't reassure me that she doesn't know where the children go to school, he also couldn't understand why I was worried about that!!

So I've told him that he can't see the children while she's in the picture, I have no idea if that was the right decision but with all that she did in that one day alone there's something clearly not right with her and I am genuinely scared that she knows where we live and a social worker friend of mine has suggested I inform the schools as well.

He thinks she's wonderful and just that no one sees what he can see. I've told him no more communication with me until he can see what everyone else can see.

OP posts:
TeaMakesItAllPossible · 03/02/2013 15:02

I think you're doing the right thing.

I have had an experience with some similarities to what you're going through with OW. I removed all trace of me on-line. I changed the locks on the house. I cut back bushes around my property. The school was informed. I had a bar on switchboard forwarding calls to me at work. I took myself ex-directory. It was quite disconcerting because I felt every time I was out I was undertaking a risk assessment and could clock someone with the same hairstyle at 100m! I know it was a little over the top but it made me feel I was more in control.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 03/02/2013 15:04

And nothing ever happened despite my situation involving the threatening of violence and death. Just to reassure you Smile.

CremeEggThief · 03/02/2013 15:57

I think you're doing the right thing too. As if everything he's put you through wasn't bad enough.

Ameybee · 03/02/2013 20:30

Just wanted to send virtual hugs. This really must be terrible for you. Your kids sound wonderful, as do you! Xx

ThePinkOcelot · 03/02/2013 22:24

She sounds unhinged to me! I think you are right informing school etc. Take care xxx

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 03/02/2013 22:38

Desperately sorry you are in this situation. You and your kids sound fantastic, your ex sounds like a total arse. Thanks Thanks Thanks

ProphetOfDoom · 03/02/2013 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

riveroise · 04/02/2013 08:07

The term "bunny boiler" springs to mind.

I think you've made the right decision OP to keep the children away from her.

Sounds like he is in denial about her "issues" too Hmm

Original poster
Beckett3 · 04/02/2013 08:44

He is in such denial,I said so this Saturday you've got the children, you've taken them out somewhere, tell me she won't follow you in the car, that she won't be walking 3 steps behind wherever you go, and he couldn't!!!

He's going for a job interview with someone she knows next Saturday, quite a few miles away too, so he's most likely going to be 'trapped' with the bunny boiler (love that btw) if he gets that job. Not that I mind too much, he'll be far away and it pays more lol.

Just can not believe he's picked her, after 2 weeks, over his children.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 04/02/2013 09:07

Just read your thread.

What a weak man he is. I'm disgusted at the way he's treating you and the dcs. It'll all come back to haunt him. He's so selfish it's unbelievable. Plus sounds so immature.

She's a piece of work isn't she? Nutjob if ever I heard of one. I wouldn't want my dcs anywhere near her. Sounds like she's obsessed and quite scary.

Good luck to you and your dcs. He really is bad news am so sorry you've had to wait so long to realise. It's amazing how you can know someone so long yet not really 'know' them.

TroublesomeEx · 04/02/2013 09:17

Tbh Beckett. The more I read about this the more of a shit he sounds. And the better off you sound out of it.

I bet your 14 year old daughter is overflowing with respect for him too Hmm

I can imagine some of how you are feeling, but do you know what? You might not be able to see it now, but you really are going to be the winner in this.

Tell the school and take other advice on protecting yourselves, just in case.

But when the dust settles, you will have your 4 amazing children and he'll be the one who's trapped with a silly psycho bitch. He hasn't chosen her over them. You've told him (quite rightly) that he can't see he whilst she's in the picture. He's burned his bridges and so he has to big her up and make the best of the situation whilst convincing himself and everyone else it wasn't a mistake. And she follows him around checking up on him (already!). Hardly sounds like storyline for the worlds greatest love story does it?!

My son and I went out to a gig on Saturday night. We had a great time and I've lost count of how many hugs I had yesterday or how many times I heard "I've had a great weekend, thanks. You're such a cool mum". Whilst he's finding every excuse possible to not see his dad alone.

Silly, silly man.

Both of them.

bringbacksideburns · 04/02/2013 09:22

Tell him you don't want to know next time he starts talking about her.

They deserve each other.