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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...

301 replies

Beckett3 · 22/01/2013 02:56

and I'm lost.

We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.

We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently Sad what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.

I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.

My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.

I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.

Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 04/02/2013 11:24

I've just read this thread. My goodness, what a piece of work bunny boiler is - controlling in the extreme. He actually sounds scared of her - I wonder why? Is it because she is all he has left now?

You are doing brilliantly, and in such a short length of time too. Your children are so lucky to have you.

I think you should get your car back now though. He is using it to make his and her lives easier and that is just not on after how he has treated you.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 04/02/2013 13:30

Fucking hell! Just read your whole thread. Its taken a while! So much has happened in ten pages! You must feel like your world has been tipped upside down!

I find it incredibly that he can't see what's wrong with her behaviour!

Can i ask, with hindsight, do you think there were signs that he was morally void?

He's such an arse! Sorry you're going through this op.

ThatVikRinA22 · 04/02/2013 14:28

ive just read this with my mouth like Shock

You are doing amazingly well, he is a first class absolute prick of highest degree, and thats being kind - it sounds like he is going to get all he deserves with his new girlfriend. She really does sound unhinged - i think you have made the right decision with regards your ex seeing the kids.
What an idiot he is.
You have my utmost respect.

Original poster
Beckett3 · 05/02/2013 11:35

Grrr, just phoned the youngest 2's school and I think I came off sounding like a lunatic Sad

I tried to get my point across without going into too much, but I think it came out sounding more like the jealous wife!!

I will have to pop in and explain everything properly now, which I didn't really want to do.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 05/02/2013 11:48

I wish this twonk, would keep all this unnecessary stress away from you,

Is there anyone he respects that could sit him down and give him a talking to?

Someone needs to spell it out to him.

perfectstorm · 05/02/2013 11:59

Beckett, you're human. It's a horrible situation and of course you're upset.

Maybe write to them, setting out the situation? That might be useful in terms of keeping a record of what you're saying anyway, legally speaking. And you can be sure you are clear on what you want to say.

How are you feeling in yourself, this week? xx

Megglevache · 05/02/2013 12:20

Beckett, I have read your entire thread like this Shock

I'm so pleased you've had such amazing support on this thread and I am astounded at your strength and courage I would've crumbled after a day.

I wish I knew you. I admire you.

Your children will all turn to you in x years time and tell you how amazing you were and are. x

I'm very curious about this whole "script" business- so there's a general pattern to cheaters then? Sorry to hijack- am genuinely interested.

I have a friend who has gone throughs similar its all mind games at the moment. Sad

Original poster
Beckett3 · 05/02/2013 12:21

I wish, for me of course, that he would just bugger the hell off too, but I care about the children too much to actually want it.

Unfortunately I can already see the outcome of all this, he's going to stay with the bunny boiler, because if he doesn't he'll 1. Look even more stupid than he does already and 2. If he doesn't stay with her, then what did he give up the last 16 years for?

He won't mind that he's given up on his own children because he'll tell himself that looking after hers will make up for it.

How do I feel? I hurt desperately for my children, I look at them and can not believe that their own father has done this to them and continues to find new ways to hurt them. In myself I'm ok, I'm managing to eat a bit more, I have zero energy though that could be baby or stress or both.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 05/02/2013 12:31

I don't think he and the bunnyboiler can last. It's built on lies and there are other kids in that home who will, as all kids do, apply pressures to an already fragile situation.

Having said that, sadly it's an irrelevance, isn't it? He can't undo what he has done. It can't be altered back. And yes, your kids and you have been betrayed and hurt and personally, I could hunt him down and kill him for you. But you are amazing and continue to be so, and they will, in time, be fine. They have you, and they will have each other. They also have his family, from the sounds of it. It's a terrible loss, akin to a death really, but they will and can get past it, with support and love.

If you weren't exhausted right now I think you'd have to be a robot! Try to spoil yourself a little. Hell, even a lot. I genuinely can't think of a person on this planet who could deserve it more.

CremeEggThief · 05/02/2013 12:55

Fuck, I'd forgotten the OW has children of her own! It makes her behaviour even more hard to understand.

Glad you are eating more. Hope you are resting as much as you can. Dealing with this must be taking all of your strength and energy. Xxx

TroublesomeEx · 05/02/2013 13:46

Beckett, as a teacher and a parent who's had to go into school to make them aware of a 'safeguarding' issue (not related to stbxh), I would say the best course of action is to arrange a meeting with the HT/DHT and tell them your concerns. They will write down what they feel is relevant, but you can let off a bit of steam and they will be supportive.

More than that, if you tell them that you feel the situation poses a 'safeguarding risk' to the children then they will advise you on what to do anyway. And they will take it seriously, whether you come across as a bit scatty or not.

Seriously, the school will be your biggest ally in this. All they care about is making sure that your children are ok. And they will see supporting you as instrumental in that.

My daughter's school in particular has been fantastic. The TA has been on hand in the mornings for kind words and a hug now and again. She's stood out in the rain listening to be rant and the teacher has been ok with that, and they've given my daughter some 'quiet time' to process what's going on.

More than that, you have a duty as a parent to keep your children's schools uptodate with what's happening. And I would too. Their teachers need to know exactly what they're having to deal with so that they can cut them some slack if necessary.

You are doing fantastically. Whatever decision he makes now and however he has felt over the past few weeks/months. Do you really think he's going to be happy now? Even if he does stay with her for the reasons you suggested, he looks like a right fool. Because he is. ((hugs))

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 05/02/2013 15:04

Beckett, if you are worried that you'll come across as garbled and unclear when speaking to the school, send an email/hand over a letter explaining everything and say you'll be happy to answer any further questions they have.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 05/02/2013 16:01

Agree with FolkGirl HT/DHT is the one that is usually the best to address these concerns to and it is much better to do it face-to-face. I think a statement of the facts, a list of approved pick-ups, updated contact details and stating that the only person who is allowed to change the contact details should be yourself. If you also update them on the emotional impact on your children they are very likely to provide support as FG states. You might cry - you won't be the first I did.

Homebird8 · 05/02/2013 20:27

So, let me get this straight. OW has children and is still stalking your children's father all over the country. Where were her children? If with their father, then does this mean that he comes back to OW for a bit of nookie occasionally to make her so suspicious of her new beau? People usually accuse others of something they do themselves or have intimate knowledge of.

Beckett you are doing so well. Go and have a chat at school. Unfortunately, it won't be something they've never dealt with before and will be valuable for you and the DCs. Thanks

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 06/02/2013 19:41

Hoping you're all ok Becketts

zcos · 07/02/2013 05:07

me too - thinking of you! would say I'm sending you strong thoughts but a) I know that won't do anything I'm not quite that spiritual anymore b) from what I know of you since op you will not need it you have all the strength you need inside and in your family! Grin

mathanxiety · 07/02/2013 06:05

I think your children would be far better off without this so called father in their lives. As long as he is there, there will only be grief and disappointment for them, and heartache of the worst kind for you. Sometimes a single, stable, responsible parent all on her won is a far better parent than the sort of knobend yo are dealing with.

Jux · 07/02/2013 12:09

Here here, math.

DreamingofSummer · 07/02/2013 12:49

Becket

Just seen and read this thread - you are amazing. Stay strong and look after yourself and the kids.

Don't give him or the bunny boiler and inch

Original poster
Beckett3 · 08/02/2013 16:38

Just a small update although there's not really much to say lol.

We're doing good, the break from H has been refreshing. My daughter has avoided fb so none of us has had to see that crap, although a friend mentioned that all the BB has done this week is declare her undying love Hmm

Slowly getting the house sorted, trying to rid it of all his rubbish and slowly trying to build my energy back up too.

We're having fun, we're eating dinners that we want even if they're not entirely healthy, we're watching lots of movies with popcorn and we're getting on as a family more and talking more.

Someone mentioned to me that I should put lots on fb about going out socially and meeting people, but I told them that while I wouldn't mind actually doing that, I wasn't going to compete, I have 3 wonderful children, a baby growing inside me, wonderful friends and family, I've already won and I didn't have to lie to do it!

OP posts:
storytopper · 08/02/2013 19:49

Glad to hear you are doing so well. Good for you and your DCs. Take care.

TroublesomeEx · 08/02/2013 21:31

I've already won

You flipping have too.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of the stuff that we did too. My relationship with the children is already different. I feel really positive for you. There will be tough days ahead, but it's days when you feel like you do today that you need to draw on to get you through those days. You'll get the home you want, the family you want. I'm actually really enjoying it and you will too!

So yes, you have won. And you children will have so much respect for you. Enjoy.

Look after yourself. xx

mathanxiety · 09/02/2013 00:55

Go Beckett! You rock.

funchum8am · 09/02/2013 09:26

You are amazing...I bet your children have realised this new world is actually a very positive place!

Jux · 09/02/2013 11:56

Yay Beckett! Fantastic. Yes, you have won.