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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...

301 replies

Beckett3 · 22/01/2013 02:56

and I'm lost.

We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.

We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently Sad what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.

I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.

My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.

I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.

Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 09/02/2013 20:59

That is great to read, you sound like a lovely family team.

Mum2Pea · 09/02/2013 21:21

I post very rarely but reading your updates, i just wanted to say you sound like a amazing lady and i'm so pleased you and your children are moving on. Well done!

zcos · 09/02/2013 23:28

Aw I was in a bit of a downer tonight my dd - 9 wks has cold dh away and I was feeling blueSad been watching your post for updates so pleased to see the latest it made me cry with happiness!!

CremeEggThief · 11/02/2013 10:10

Go Beckett! You are the winner :).

Original poster
Beckett3 · 12/02/2013 14:30

We had a slight blip last night, I had to tell my son off for something and in his anger he told me he wanted to go live with dad. He sobbed for ages and I mean ages after, telling me he didn't mean it and please don't make him go. It was the first time I've cried for a few days too.

We haven't seen H since that Saturday and it's been great although he's coming round tomorrow for a little bit, I'm not looking forward to it, the man disgusts me. Anytime time he brings up the BB or his new life I will be saying 'i don't want to know'. I will not be giving him any more chances to bring me into that shit. Being free of it all over the last week and a half has been fantastic.

You have all and continue to be brilliant, not sure I would have made it quite this well without your help and kind words Thanks

OP posts:
potionmaker · 12/02/2013 16:12

Beckett I've been lurking on this thread all the way through and silently marvelling at your strength while wishing you well. I just wanted to say how amazing I think you are. Your blip last night is just that, only a blip and probably a good opportunity for you and your son to have a cry together, that's no bad thing. I wish you well and applaud you, you fantastically strong, loving, wonderful lady. Every time I see you post I am truly astonished and want to send you some Thanks I hope you have lots of rl support, you deserve it.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 12/02/2013 16:23

Awwww. Your poor son. And poor you. But it's all part of you setting up your new family rules so there will be new pushing of boundaries and over-stepping them - for all of you. But good to get it all out of the way before the baby arrives.

Good for you .... a mantra to repeat to keep yourself sane and out of their emotional rollercoaster. I have to say I admire you greatly.

TroublesomeEx · 13/02/2013 08:10

What a wonderful family your baby is being born into. A close knit, loving team. And the beauty of it is you know that you are never going to be an arse. So you know that the team of you and the children in inpenetrable.

As Tea says this is the chance to set your new family and house rules.

How's your 14 year old getting on?

pansyflimflam · 13/02/2013 08:47

Becket, your poor boy, this will be ok honestly because you love him so much. That is all you need to do now, be still and just keep loving them all.

And Becket, you are one amazing Lady, I found this absolutely heartbreaking to read as have also been lightly tortured by someone I love. He also did that to his children and although at first he did the perfect dad thing and made me feel shit, I had no money and could barely put shoes on their feet whilst he bought them rocking horses and roller skates................... all the while he felt the need to 'share' what he was going through!!!!!!!!! Asshole. Stay away from Facebook, it is unhelpful and just gives him a route in. Next Christmas when he is sat on his own and you are in your home with your children and new baby he may regret this and your dignity and courage in this intolerable situation will pay you back ten-fold.

Be kind to yourself my lovely. Take courage sweetheart.

zcos · 14/02/2013 06:38

you continue to astound me too! I think your son was bound to say this sooner or later though its the best weapon in his arsenal and a way to get to you! the fact that he cried with you and told you the truth is a credit to you raising him!
again hats off to you!
Wishing you more happy fun family moments than sad - which I'm sure is the case now anyway. but here is a good place to come if you want to vent or anything.

smile4me · 17/02/2013 00:34

Have just read the whole thread and am looking like Shock . can't add much in the way of advice, but wanted to say congratulations, you are one amazing lady, and you are doing everything possible for your lovely DCs. Hope you are managing to take some time to look after yourself and to enjoy the wee bean you are cooking Smile

Contradictionincarnate · 18/02/2013 08:17

hope you are ok Beckett - thinking of you! Smile

Original poster
Beckett3 · 19/02/2013 10:49

Feeling pretty angry at the moment, he 'popped' round to pick up some of his tools and we were being civilised and then he said that he couldn't believe I was going through with having the baby, then went on to accuse me of only having the baby so I didn't have to go to work for a few more years, I told him it took 2 to make this baby and then to finish off he implied that I was crap in bed! I realise the last bit was only said cos he has to say it doesn't he?! But the rest Angry

OP posts:
Skyebluesapphire · 19/02/2013 11:27

Ignore the prick. Like you say, it took two to make the baby. The baby will just mess up his life and cause more maintenance for him to pay, so ignore what he says

I know it's hard though and I know it hurts. But you know why he is doing this and why he has changed so much. Because of OW.

Keep strong, look after yourself and don't give his twatty comments any headroom

oldwomaninashoe · 19/02/2013 11:35

Well in his world people are disposable, he was fed up with you so you are disposed of! He can't understand how you can be attached to your baby, as to him you can just walk away from what you no longer want!
Take no heed to him he is being unpleasant about you and to you in an effort to convince himself that his decision to walk away is completely justified.
He is behaving like an utter prick!

AThingInYourLife · 19/02/2013 12:49

"he said that he couldn't believe I was going through with having the baby"

He thinks you should terminate a planned pregnancy because he has got a new girlfriend since you conceived?

Shock

Actually, given that he's quite happy to replace your children with his new bird's kids, I don't know why that surprises me.

As for:

"then went on to accuse me of only having the baby so I didn't have to go to work for a few more years"

and

"he implied that I was crap in bed!"

:o

That's just fucking laughable.

He has to think those things to make himself acceptable to the jealous wagon he's with now.

He's barely even a real person.

Just a reflection of whatever the woman he's banging wants him to think.

Try not to be insulted. Nothing he says means anything.

It's just noise coming out of his cake hole.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 19/02/2013 13:49

I have been wondering how you're getting on.

I see he's still being an immature knobber! I'm sorry. I had hoped the OW would have kept him on his leash so as not to bother you. It amazes me that XPs think they have a right to comment on decisions that they've given up the right to have a view on!

Lovely new baby. Too lovely to be sullied in anyway by knobber's thoughts and stupid musings that have feck all to do with him.

Original poster
Beckett3 · 19/02/2013 14:42

I have to say, up until this morning I was doing wonderfully and I will be again shortly, I will not let him get to me, I just can not believe he would say all of that in front of his children, I should believe it by now with what he's done up until now but I have to remember he's not the same man I knew.

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 19/02/2013 14:46

Beckett

I have 3 wonderful children, a baby growing inside me, wonderful friends and family, I've already won and I didn't have to lie to do it!

This is the bit you could put on facebook. If, that is, you ever needed to put something there, of course.

AThingInYourLife · 19/02/2013 19:28

"I just can not believe he would say all of that in front of his children"

!!!!!

He said in front of your children that he wanted you to abort the sibling they're looking forward to meeting?

Shock

I didn't think it was possible for this man to go down in my estimation.

And yet down he goes.

Dozer · 19/02/2013 20:07

Shock Angry

What stupid, selfish, nasty behaviour.

The less time you spend with him the better.

Jux · 19/02/2013 21:44

He is the fucker of all FuckWits. His brains shall be forevermore lodged in his scrotum. His scrotum will shrivel. His brains will fall out.

Beckett, you're a paragon. You're well rid. Don't let him in the house again. Bag what's left of his crap, find a mutual friend and tell him he can collect it there. Can someone be there for contact handovers, or can someone do them for you?

Jux · 19/02/2013 21:46

I also meant to say that he doesn't deserve the serenity of your gaze to fall on his shadow, but I thought that might be going a bit far (though I mean it Grin)

Original poster
Beckett3 · 21/02/2013 18:31

Ok everyone, you've been there for me so much over the last few weeks, I need a little more help to get over the next few days. I've just found out he's playing the perfect father to the OW children, something he's never done for his own children. I'm for once not going to go into detail, but its safe to say its enough to make me mad.

I don't want to blow my top, I don't want to lash out and he's coming round to take the children out Saturday (against my better judgement) and I don't want to get the erge to have a go at him then either.

I just need something to help, anyone? TIA

OP posts:
Jux · 21/02/2013 19:07

What a shit, bastard, arse. Angry

Take deep breaths. Count to 3 as you breathe in through your nose, and count to 5 as you breathe out through your mouth. Do it a few times.

Burn calming incense sticks - lavendar, jasmine.

Get a friend round for the handovers, and let them deal with it while you keep out of the way, then go out with said friend and have cake and coffee.