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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

it's a new dawn, it's a new day ..........it dating thread 36!

999 replies

lulubellaboozle · 11/01/2013 12:30

Post away daters x

OP posts:
48howdidthathappen · 19/01/2013 15:16

I suppose it depends what you are looking for in a relationship/man OWW

I like Mr R&R cause it is fun. I was not supposed to be seeing him this weekend as he is working extra hours. Just texted fancy popping over after doing your horses. Ahem. Yes.

Scrazy · 19/01/2013 15:21

Watch, can you post the link, thanks.

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/01/2013 15:27

will do.

You just dont seem happy at all western, are you happy, honestly?

Why should his needs come way before yours?

and, more importantly, why are you happy to let this happen?

OhWesternWind · 19/01/2013 15:31

No I'm not happy. Seriously thinking about finishing it with him. Will think very hard over the weekend. It's a shame cos it can be so very, very good but I feel like what I want is taking second place and that's no good.

Scattylatte · 19/01/2013 15:32

OWW definitely put yourself first as watch says. Just think about what you want. Sometimes, great as he is I don't think this man thinks about your needs and wants enough.

As far as fireman goes, I'm going to do very little. He is a laugh and I like that but he offers little else and I can't take on anyone else's financial woes. I'll keep it to a once a week when the fancy takes me thing and also keep my eye out for anything else interesting.

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/01/2013 15:39

it was reality, thought it was anyfucker... she usually talks a lot of sense.

while its based on relationships, i think its useful to bear in mind while dating.

I know lots of us have had terrible past relastionships, and that does stay with you, but please, noone has to put up with shit just for the sake of having a man. They are merely men.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody/AllOnOnePage

Dating is mean to be fun, i know i keep saying it, but it is. If someone is not making it a nice experience for you, or is making you worry so early on, just leave it, listen to your subconscience. You dont have to give them a chance, there is no law saying you have to. It is not better to be with someone, even though they are mean, than it is to be on your own.

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/01/2013 15:42

western, i know your not happy, you wouldnt be posting that stuff if you were. Are you looking for validation that you are nuts? or for validation that hes wrong and you need to get rid?

Thing is, how many times ( and i can count a few) have you said you will have a think and a talk with him.. and its his last chance etc...etc... lots. And then the same thing happens.

You really dont have to put up with it you know.

Scrazy · 19/01/2013 15:44

Thanks Watch.

48howdidthathappen · 19/01/2013 15:49

Agree completely Watch it should make you happy, more so in the early days. This is the honeymoon period.

MR R&R has to be up for 5am in the morning, so I aim to be at his about 5.30 this afternoon. That way we get to have fun and he gets enough sleep.

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/01/2013 15:54

and if its crap now, then its only going to get worse.

for some reason women are taught to be subservient and their needs come second to mens. They dont.

Western, your needs are not less important than his.

So, hes busy, he ignores your communitcation, he ignores it when you say you are unhappy, he doesnt make that much time to see you. He doesnt care enough to even reply when you bare your soul and explain.

Why would you even consider being with someone who shows such disregard for your needs ( even when you have spelled it out) and puts his first.

Im sorry, i dont want to come across as harsh or horrible and i know thats what most of you think, but its so far from the truth. Its just exhaspberating to see people put up with this shit when then is no reason to.

Most of us have escaped a shit relationship, dont settle for slightly less of a shit one please.

scoobydooagain · 19/01/2013 16:15

Sorry OWW but it does seem like alot of hard work for you at the moment, he should be bringing you joy not constant angst.

Some advice needed, went on first date today, went well, seems genuine , wants to see me again, wants to phone me tonight. I said ok, now tonight I am having another date , so I can't possibly take the call, so what should I do ? Thinking just switch phone off, then text later saying oops sorry battery went flat didn't notice speak tomorrow, bit dodgy plus really should have phone on for babysitter, Help !

48howdidthathappen · 19/01/2013 16:19

Scooby Put phone on vibrate. Tell date 1 you fell asleep, most men should get that, thay seem to nod off at a drop off a hat.

Original poster
lulubellaboozle · 19/01/2013 16:25

Scooby how about you text him and say just had an invite out tonight, so won't be around as planned, but would love to catch up and chat to you tomorrow?

watch I don't think anyone thinks you are being harsh or horrible, I think we all want to see each other treated well and with respect on this thread Smile

OWW its that old being apart thing isn't it? and the mind working overtime, and he's not giving you what you need when you are apart. It does seem that you are on cloud nine when you are with him, it's more his behaviour when you are apart that is the problem - am I right? and if so, could you not draw his attention to this and I mean in a very direct way ......like, i'm unhappy when you send texts that seem very distant and non commital, it make me feel like you are blowing hot and cold .... and just see how he responds. I just wonder if he is even aware that he is doing this, or having this affect on you?

OP posts:
Scattylatte · 19/01/2013 16:30

A hottie from Amsterdam has just described me as 'sweet, handsome and huggable' on OKC. It doesn't get better than that!

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/01/2013 16:30

lulu, oww has done that before...... and yeah, ive been called agressive and a bully. im not. It just pains me to see women put up with this shit, or any dating shit for that matter.

scooby, dont even worry about it for a second. just miss the call, etext when you get in, or even tomorrow morning, that you fell asleep....:)

OhWesternWind · 19/01/2013 16:32

Thanks everyone. I do really have a lot to think about and will do over the next few days. Watch I appreciate what you're saying, I really do. Lulu yes, you've got it spot on. I can't carry on with it like this though, whatever I decide to do.

scoobydooagain · 19/01/2013 16:37

Thanks 48, that's a good idea

JulietteMontague · 19/01/2013 17:29

Western I'm going to say this, but please don't take it as anything but wanting the best for you. I don't think you are ready to date. Either that or you are not ready to date LM. You have been together a few months and you couldn't ask him if he'd like to go to Legoland. How then, are you going to be able to negotiate him being busy/self centred/whatever? You don't feel secure in this relationship. That is either you not being ready, or some signal you are picking up. LM makes the right noises, mostly does the right things but has other things going on in his life and you are both a bit rubbish at communication.

Never mind 'the cave', if either of you are going to be in a relationship you both have to be able to communicate, take a risk on hearing what you don't want to hear, say what you want. To give him his due, he has listened but because you haven't talked to him about your recent opening up, you have no idea why he didn't seem to realise it was a big deal for you. It's been months and you don't feel comfortable calling him, its all texts and silence and angst from your perspective. You are not happy and something has to change.

JulietteMontague · 19/01/2013 17:37

Scatty the fireman does sound a bit all over the place, but as a casual thing does it matter? He treats you well, is affectionate and fun, I don't see the problem. Although I'm a big believer in 'when men talk, listen' I don't think him saying he has ons is a problem at all. His life being in a permanent mess would be a red flag for a serious relationship but is that what you want from him? The pattern has always been that you have taken the lead so there is no reason to think that will change now you have dtd with him, I suspect he is a bit unsure what you want with him.

JulietteMontague · 19/01/2013 17:40

Scooby I would tell him you're going out and do what 48 said.

Wolf sorry I didn't see your earlier post. That is shit, you have dealt with it well so good for you and shame on twunt of the day.

OhWesternWind · 19/01/2013 17:42

I know, I'm struggling with things sometimes. I'm really trying to work on my hang ups sometimes successfully and sometimes not. But we're all a work in progress aren't we? I don't have a lot of self confidence and also my ex has really skewed my perception of what's normal and whether my boundaries are ok. I just don't know. I am new to dating again, as is LM, and I think it's a case of the blind leading the blind sometimes.

I now know thst my dcs are planning me a special day tomorrow which I very strongly suspect involves dinner with LM but no one will give the game away.

I'm going to lie low on this thread for a while, don't really feel like posting any more. I'd found this thread really useful as a "safety valve" to get rid of a lot of silly whittly stuff but I don't feel comfortable doing that any more

Thanks for all the help and support you've all given me and I sincerely wish you all much happiness.

Nomorepain · 19/01/2013 17:44

Evening all, I have been desperately trying to catch up on thread but life is ridiculously busy at the mo!

Well, I'm going on a date tonight!! Been chatting since Monday. He loves to text I am channeling my inner bitch (from why men loves bitches) and playing it very cool and it has worked! He seems very keen in a nice way not too much. He isnt my usual Type but god i am loving te banter. just hope he lives up to it!!! Meeting outside a pub that is local to us both. I'm seriously scared - please help to calm my nerves!!!!

What shall we chat about?????

Sorry for being crap and all being about me but promise I will catch up properly tomorrow!!!

JulietteMontague · 19/01/2013 17:55

Western please don't stop posting, this is the place where we all post our whittly stuff. There is no point in us all saying its ok when we see you so unhappy, that will just perpetuate it. You not posting here won't make it ok either sweetheart.

JulietteMontague · 19/01/2013 18:01

Western please don't stop posting, this is the place where we all post our whittly stuff. There is no point in us all saying its ok when we see you so unhappy, that will just perpetuate it. You not posting here won't make it ok either sweetheart.

JulietteMontague · 19/01/2013 18:10

Western please don't stop posting, this is the place where we all post our whittly stuff. There is no point in us all saying its ok when we see you so unhappy, that will just perpetuate it. You not posting here won't make it ok either sweetheart.