DH aggressive with DD

[aprilrain]

There have been 3 physical incidents:

1. About 2 years ago (she was 2yo) she was going through a biting phase. She bit his chest and he pulled her off by her hair. Caused pain and upset.

2. Last year (just turned 4) she was jumping around him in bed while he was trying to lie in. He told her to stop. She carried on. He smacked her on her back, without warning, because he was "tired and irritable".

3. Last night, getting ready for bed, she was wiggling her bum at him (4yo humour) and he was getting annoyed because she wiggled it in his face. He pushed her away (looked more like a throw to me but I didn't see properly), she went flying onto the bed, landing on our 10 month old baby, hurting both of them. (Baby has a small bruise today).

I had serious words with him after each incident. He feels very bad about no3 and did apologise to DD. But as for 1 and 2 he still to this day defends his actions. He seems to think that a "short sharp shock" is a necessary part of parenting. I couldn't disagree more. I'm not a perfect parent and I do lose my temper but I believe in calm parenting.

In his everyday interactions with her, he is often shouty, sarcastic and dismissive of her feelings. He has (out of her earshot) described her to me as "a little bitch" and "a knobhead". He has said he doesn't like her. He doesn't really play with her or do activities - if he's in charge (rare) he puts the tv on and gets on with his own stuff. We only do family stuff if instigated by me.

He can also be very kind, loving and a lot of fun - jokes, silliness, tickles etc.

I'm really worried about the impact his aggressiveness will be having on DD. And I'm worried that he's going to be the same with DD2 once she's past the baby stage.

Basically, I think he's a rubbish parent. But he won't listen to me. And I seem to be constantly criticising him, which he puts up with but takes no notice of. He says his parents were like this and it's done him no harm.

Am I being too controlling? Or are my concerns valid?

He pulled her off BY HER HAIR? You had me at that. Why are you still with him?

Very valid concerns. Not just the fact that he thinks whacking small children about is OK but also the 'shouty, sarcastic and dismissive' comments. He's an abusive bully and - fatally - he doesn't see he's in the wrong. Therefore he won't change.

You're going to have to raise the stakes here by introducing some serious consequences if he doesn't improve his attitude. He won't take you seriously otherwise.

Is he aggressive and bullying with other people? With you? Is he 'shouty, sarcastic and dismissive' generally or, like most bullies, a bit of a coward?

He's not like that with me. Well, he can be in the heat of an argument but it has always struck me that he treats me with far more respect than he treats her. But he knows I will stand up for myself.

Oh my goodness- no wonder you're worried about the effect all of this will have on your dd's. There is no way they will not be adversely affected. I cannot believe he has called his four year old DD 'a little bitch'- how did you deal with this?

Would you leave him over this? In all honesty I couldn't love a man that called our children such names and physically assaulted them. He doesn't deseve the privilege of spending time with his children. They need protecting and you're the person to do it.

Doesn't like his own four year old daughter??? Really, this says a lot about the man. He's an arse.

He didn't call it to her face. It was privately to me. I was absolutely shocked and told him I couldn't believe he could use language like that about a little girl, least of all his daughter.

My exH never hit our children, as far as I know, but he did call DD2, then aged 9, a "fucking idiot" when she knocked into him and spilt a little of the drink he was holding. I had little respect for him at that point, but it sank to zero when he did that. Had the death knells of the relationship not already been ringing, I would have ended it over that.

Your children deserve to be safe in their home.

Christ almighty and he is still in your home and free to abuse as and when he likes?!

Yes he is a shit and DANGEROUS parent.

He is an abusive bully who will damage your children. Of course he will be the same with your younger DD - is there a single reason why he wouldn't be? He's told you he sees his abuse of his children as justified and ok.

Tell me, what would you have done if his latest bit of violence towards his children had resulted in your baby breaking a bone, or your DD landing awkwardly or on something harder than the baby and ending up in hospital? Would you be happy to explain about your husband's 'discipline' to SS?

And you realise that what you've listed are the incidents you've happened to witness? What do you think he's like with them once he gets them on his own?

How utterly distressing this is to read.

He is telling you everything you need to know:

-He dislikes her.
-He thinks of her as a bitch.
-She deserves the violence.

Listen to his words. Look at his behaviour.

Your children will not thank you for keeping them in this situation and they will very likely wonder why you didn't leave him when they are older. He sounds like an extremely unpleasant person to grow up around- downright nasty and damaging. This will have terrible repercussions for them if you don't act on what is happening and do your best to protect them from him.

OP that post gave me chills. Because what you describe is almost exactly like the way my dad treated me growing up, even down to being called a little bitch. I'm nearly 40 and I still loathe my dad. And I have little time for my mother who stood back and allowed him to destroy my self esteem and confidence over my entire childhood. What exactly does your 'D' H have to do for you to actually stand up for your child? Do you think that if you pretend it's not really that bad, your DD will be equally unaffected by that bastard your are allowing to treat your child so badly? Sorry but I'm appalled that you are still allowing this to continue. How far does he have to go for you to say 'no more'?

He has (out of her earshot) described her to me as "a little bitch" and "a knobhead". He has said he doesn't like her. He doesn't really play with her or do activities - if he's in charge (rare) he puts the tv on and gets on with his own stuff. We only do family stuff if instigated by me.

Of course your concerns are valid. She is a baby and he uses words like this?? He sounds horrible.

"Well, he can be in the heat of an argument but it has always struck me that he treats me with far more respect than he treats her"

I think living with this man means you've lost sight of what is acceptable behaviour or not. He doubt he treats you with respect, I just think you've got used to him and lowered your standards. You have to defend your children and operate zero tolerance in future rather than wondering if pulling a two year-old by the hair is OK or not.

It wasn't in her ear shot this time. We all know kids dint miss a trick and know exactly what's being said, even behind closed doors. At some point, whether at 8, 10 or 14 years old she'll hear something being said about her and it will do terrible damage. Not only that but kids aren't stupid, she probably already knows her daddy doesn't like her much. It really is a heartbreaking scenario. Poor you. You've posted here so obviously it's a major concern to you. Have you got a 'game plan' in mind? Would you give him an ultimatum?

Thanks for replies so far. Believe me I am taking it all in. Have to go for now, back later.

Your concerns are valid.

I think he should be out the door, tbh. Not a man that I would want anywhere near my dc.

'wondering if pulling a two year-old by the hair is OK or not.'

I don't wonder. I know. I tore strips off him at the time and still remind him of it 2 years on, lest he thinks I've forgotten.

Really got to go for a bit. Back later.

And you are still there because?.....
He is abusing your dd both physically and emotionally.
It is your duty to protect her.
Yanbu.

I think the verbal stuff here is worse than the physical given how isolated the physical incidents have been. Children hear and understand more than we realise and as she gets older she will be increasingly aware of how he feels about her.

Can you suggest parenting classes? Frame the suggestion as "I think we could both do with some help" and go to the classes together?

One more thing OP. what you have described here is NOT a man who is a 'strict parent', who thinks he odd tap never did me any harm etc. The incidents you describe are of a man LOSING CONTROL with small children when angered. No 'do that again and I will smack you' - grabbing by the hair? throwing across room?

I repeat - he is DANGEROUS. Because one day he will go too far and injure them properly. It could easily have happened last night. it doesnt take much to fracture a baby's skull. It is inevitable, they are tiny and he uses his anger and strength against them. If you don't do something to protect them, it is very likely that BOTH of you are going to end up explaining yourselves to doctors, police and SS. And one question will be, why did you remain complicit in their abuse.

Oh God, this is terrible. :( he's being abusvie and if he won't alter his discipline methods (and you've given him more than enough chances to do so) then you have to keep your children safe - I think you should leave him.

if he does these things when you're around... think of what he could do when you're not there. i wouldnt want him near ANY children tbh

OP you 'tore strips' off him after he pulled a 2yr old by her hair, and this did what exactly? Made him stop and think about his attitude, his behaviour? Made sure he never did anything to physically hurt your child in anger again? Turned him into a completely different person who treats his child with decency and love? Nope. No matter what you do or say, he WILL NOT CHANGE. You know how I know that? Cos my dad is in his 60s and is still the same bullying bastard he was when I was a child just like your DD. My smile irritated him. You need to open your eyes and see this man for the utter bastard he is and do something. Stand up got your child. My mum still makes excuses for my dad, he's tired, he's stressed, he didn't mean it, he bought you a lovely gift to say sorry. Your 'D'H has already caused damage to that child. He has already started chipping away at her self esteem, and IMO that is the most precious thing anyone can take from a child. You must stand up for your DD.