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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH aggressive with DD

203 replies

aprilrain · 04/01/2013 10:29

There have been 3 physical incidents:

  1. About 2 years ago (she was 2yo) she was going through a biting phase. She bit his chest and he pulled her off by her hair. Caused pain and upset.

  2. Last year (just turned 4) she was jumping around him in bed while he was trying to lie in. He told her to stop. She carried on. He smacked her on her back, without warning, because he was "tired and irritable".

  3. Last night, getting ready for bed, she was wiggling her bum at him (4yo humour) and he was getting annoyed because she wiggled it in his face. He pushed her away (looked more like a throw to me but I didn't see properly), she went flying onto the bed, landing on our 10 month old baby, hurting both of them. (Baby has a small bruise today).

I had serious words with him after each incident. He feels very bad about no3 and did apologise to DD. But as for 1 and 2 he still to this day defends his actions. He seems to think that a "short sharp shock" is a necessary part of parenting. I couldn't disagree more. I'm not a perfect parent and I do lose my temper but I believe in calm parenting.

In his everyday interactions with her, he is often shouty, sarcastic and dismissive of her feelings. He has (out of her earshot) described her to me as "a little bitch" and "a knobhead". He has said he doesn't like her. He doesn't really play with her or do activities - if he's in charge (rare) he puts the tv on and gets on with his own stuff. We only do family stuff if instigated by me.

He can also be very kind, loving and a lot of fun - jokes, silliness, tickles etc.

I'm really worried about the impact his aggressiveness will be having on DD. And I'm worried that he's going to be the same with DD2 once she's past the baby stage.

Basically, I think he's a rubbish parent. But he won't listen to me. And I seem to be constantly criticising him, which he puts up with but takes no notice of. He says his parents were like this and it's done him no harm.

Am I being too controlling? Or are my concerns valid?

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 04/01/2013 21:38

It was just a question to get you thinking. You agree it is not okay, the point is, what are you going to do about it?

KittyBreadfan · 04/01/2013 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greensleeves · 04/01/2013 21:45

aprilrain I don't think people are meaning to attack you, I think people are being forceful because they want you to take action. I don't think anyone could read your posts and not feel for you.

How difficult would it be for you to end the marriage and become a lone parent? What are the major obstacles? Can we help you explore the options?

Original poster
aprilrain · 04/01/2013 21:48

What don't I get? In which bit of my thread have I indicated that I think it's ok and that it can carry on like it is?

OP posts:
MrsPoglesWood · 04/01/2013 22:00

Well you've said that your 4 year old has heard you defending and sticking up for her when I assume her DF was ranting and shouting at/about her. You defending and sticking up for her won't ever erase the memory of her hearing her DF ranting and shouting at her though will it?

Fairenuff · 04/01/2013 22:01

I do stick up for my DD. I defend her all the time

But you are not defending her. If you were defending her, she would not be getting hurt. You are complaining after the assaults have occurred.

What are you going to do to protect her?

gillyglops · 04/01/2013 22:02

Kids don't have to be told they're disliked to know it. My eldest DD was always treated with less respect and affection than DD2 by exDH. He was snappier with her, paid her less attention, didn't cuddle her or say he loved her, and I talked to him about it countless times. But still, it only really hit me how bad it was when eldest one day calmly said to her aunt that Daddy didn't like her or Mummy, it was only youngest he liked. It still breaks my heart to think how she must have felt about it all, but now that he's an ex, they get on much better and he now regularly tells her he loves her. Sometimes it's better for a child to not be living with a parent, and your situation is so much worse as he is physically assaulting your DD too. Perhaps he really just isn't cut out to be a parent.

Original poster
aprilrain · 04/01/2013 22:03

No it won't. I get that. I got that before I ever started the thread.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 04/01/2013 22:03

You have indicated that it can carry on like this by refusing to do anything to stop it. Of course it will carry on!

dippyDoohdah · 04/01/2013 22:06

op, your account is very similar to that of my stbxh, and that is the crux of why he its my stbxh! its the underlying lack of care, inability to control self, punishing with anger..its just scary., if you have been together for a while he probably has means of controlling you too..so I understand its hard to leave...but its also hard to imagine that you can come back from this...just like my stbxh, its not healthy, he can't function as a full time parent, and its way below good enough.good luck op

soulresolution · 04/01/2013 22:07

This is a horrible thread to read aprilrain and it fills me with dread for your dc. It seems you have gone on the defensive which is why some posters are having a go -they are only talking out of fear for your dc.

Fact is, as long as you stay with this man you are complicit in his treatment of your dd - it isn't enough to stick up for her verbally or tell him his behaviour is wrong - why on earth would he need to be told?

Original poster
aprilrain · 04/01/2013 22:08

'You have indicated that it can carry on like this by refusing to do anything to stop it.'

Where have I said I refuse to do anything about it? Why would I be posting if I didn't want to do something about it?

OP posts:
poppycock6 · 04/01/2013 22:15

Hi OP. Read your thread with interest as I've been through something similar. What are you going to do about it? What do you want to do?

dippyDoohdah · 04/01/2013 22:15

what do you want to do from here, op?x

Fairenuff · 04/01/2013 22:16

Well where have you said you will do something about it?

dippyDoohdah · 04/01/2013 22:16

x post, poppy

ErikNorseman · 04/01/2013 22:18

What are you suggesting though? An ultimatum won't stop him from being who he fundamentally is.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 04/01/2013 22:18

April, people have posted, asking you what are the obstacles that you need to work through to deal with this situation, how can they help you work out what to do and I've yet to see you post about what it is you want to do here. Tearing a strip off your DH isn't working. Defending your DD to your DH, her dad, isn't going to do anything to change this. Him causing an injury to both his children doesn't make him see his awful his behaviour is. What is it that you want to do here, that hasn't been mentioned but you feel is an option but not one you can follow through easily? There is a vast wealth of knowledge and experience from many who post here - what do you need to hear?

JumpingJackSprat · 04/01/2013 22:18

i have huge sympathy for the situation you find yourself in but as someone else said, dont put your shared history above your childs need to be safe and protected from harm. this sort of abuse can lead to serious injury or worse. i hope you can find the courage to leave before she annoys him again.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 04/01/2013 22:31

Let's break it down.

Your husband physically abuses your child.

You do not protect her from it happening again.

It happens again twice.

You are complicit in her being abused.

I hope for your daughters' sake that you come to your senses and either leave with the kids or tell him to go.

T

Cerealqueen · 04/01/2013 22:32

i hope you can find the courage to leave before she annoys him again.

This chilled me, and probably everybody else, to the bone. I really hope that nothing else does happen.

I don't know what best to advise but a plan of action of what to no next for the OP?

zippey · 04/01/2013 22:45

Can I just say that I had an incident last week similar to that of incident 1 - I was playing with DD and she bit me unexpectedly, and I instinctivly pushed her away, but in a hitting motion and hit her head with my hand. It wasnt that hard but hard enough for her to cry and I did feel very bad about it. She is about 18 months.

Im not sure what to make of the other 2 incidents - some parents believe smacking is a form of discipline. I dont believe that, but I realise it is the norm for a lot of families. A lot of people, men and women have short tempers.

I would be more worried about his feelings towards his DD. I am not surprised you were shocked when he said he didnt like her. You need to be wary that these feelings, if true will manifest them in other ways.

If you stay together I hope you are able to get him the help he needs to turn those feelings around.

mammadiggingdeep · 04/01/2013 23:09

I commented earlier today and have just read some of the rest if the thread. Forgive me if I'm repeating anybody else but I fail to see how you can still love him if he has this attitude to your daughter. I live my dp but the live I have for my dd's is totally different. In a heartbeat if I thought dp (or any other loved one, dm df etc) was hurting them I'd all away from them- 20 years together or not. Your poor, darling, precious daughter needs protecting. How terrible to be 4 years old and have one of the people who should cherish you call you 'a little bitch'....

Even if you manage to persuade him to stop the negative behavior she'll still sense it because he'll still feel it and she'll know it. I could cry for your DD, I really could. :( I hope you do the right thing and your little girls life gets better......having a daddy who doesn't Luke you is pretty shit isn't it?????? :(

mammadiggingdeep · 04/01/2013 23:10

I commented earlier today and have just read some of the rest if the thread. Forgive me if I'm repeating anybody else but I fail to see how you can still love him if he has this attitude to your daughter. I live my dp but the live I have for my dd's is totally different. In a heartbeat if I thought dp (or any other loved one, dm df etc) was hurting them I'd all away from them- 20 years together or not. Your poor, darling, precious daughter needs protecting. How terrible to be 4 years old and have one of the people who should cherish you call you 'a little bitch'....

Even if you manage to persuade him to stop the negative behavior she'll still sense it because he'll still feel it and she'll know it. I could cry for your DD, I really could. :( I hope you do the right thing and your little girls life gets better......having a daddy who doesn't Luke you is pretty shit isn't it?????? :(

mammadiggingdeep · 04/01/2013 23:12

Bad typos....sorry...u get the gist though!!