DH aggressive with DD

[aprilrain]

There have been 3 physical incidents:

1. About 2 years ago (she was 2yo) she was going through a biting phase. She bit his chest and he pulled her off by her hair. Caused pain and upset.

2. Last year (just turned 4) she was jumping around him in bed while he was trying to lie in. He told her to stop. She carried on. He smacked her on her back, without warning, because he was "tired and irritable".

3. Last night, getting ready for bed, she was wiggling her bum at him (4yo humour) and he was getting annoyed because she wiggled it in his face. He pushed her away (looked more like a throw to me but I didn't see properly), she went flying onto the bed, landing on our 10 month old baby, hurting both of them. (Baby has a small bruise today).

I had serious words with him after each incident. He feels very bad about no3 and did apologise to DD. But as for 1 and 2 he still to this day defends his actions. He seems to think that a "short sharp shock" is a necessary part of parenting. I couldn't disagree more. I'm not a perfect parent and I do lose my temper but I believe in calm parenting.

In his everyday interactions with her, he is often shouty, sarcastic and dismissive of her feelings. He has (out of her earshot) described her to me as "a little bitch" and "a knobhead". He has said he doesn't like her. He doesn't really play with her or do activities - if he's in charge (rare) he puts the tv on and gets on with his own stuff. We only do family stuff if instigated by me.

He can also be very kind, loving and a lot of fun - jokes, silliness, tickles etc.

I'm really worried about the impact his aggressiveness will be having on DD. And I'm worried that he's going to be the same with DD2 once she's past the baby stage.

Basically, I think he's a rubbish parent. But he won't listen to me. And I seem to be constantly criticising him, which he puts up with but takes no notice of. He says his parents were like this and it's done him no harm.

Am I being too controlling? Or are my concerns valid?

April, I can't read all of your thread as it's close to home. There's some advice I'm impelled to offer. If you're thinking about forcing H to get some behaviour education, forget about anger management. He manages his anger just fine: he only attacks small people, right? (And domestic animals, I'd bet.)

Growing up with abuse normalises it, you know that. One part of this is that abusers fail to recognise the vulnerability of children (and pets). They're criticised as if they were clumsy adults in miniature bodies. If you can find ways to show him what "just a child" actually means, you may be able to access the muted part of him that feels compassion, protectiveness, caring and responsibility.

Also, you may not. Or it may not be enough. Abusers carry on abusing, ime; even after they've given up one farm of abuse, they adopt others. But there are exceptions.

^what garlic said^ extremely well put...
I feel compelled to return to this thread for updates..I am getting burnt out as social worker from all the abuse cases we see daily. You never get over seeing the fear in a young child's eyes.
I can't stop thinking about the fear and helplessness this little girl must experience when her dad gets angry at her...
OP, this situation is not about you, it is about those fragile children you brought into this world..

zippey theres a difference though. you felt bad and i bet you said sorry after it had happened and gave her a cuddle etc. accidents happen, we all know this.

aprilrain's dh doesnt appear to even care what he's done. he doesnt apologise, he doesnt make her feel better, and he calls her names after the event has happened. thats not normal. that to me shows that he 1) really doesnt like her and 2) his anger festers inside.

Have you st least taken a photo of your baby's bruise? Because being able to say this week or next year "he did this" could make a world of difference to contact time.

I'm really worried about the impact his aggressiveness will be having on DD. And I'm worried that he's going to be the same with DD2 once she's past the baby stage.

Basically, I think he's a rubbish parent. But he won't listen to me. And I seem to be constantly criticising him, which he puts up with but takes no notice of. He says his parents were like this and it's done him no harm.

Am I being too controlling? Or are my concerns valid?

1. You are really worried. Good. You should be. Remember that. Everyone on this thread, without exception, agrees that this should worry you. Your feelings are natural, your instinct is right. Listen to it.

2. He is not going to change. He cannot see what you, I and everyone else on this thread can see. He is out of control. He is dangerous. He will continue unless you protect those children. No-one else can do it. You have to or you are aiding him in his abuse of them.

3. What was the point of your post? You ask are you contolling, well that has been answered unanimously. What next? Will you wait until the next assault and then post about that one too?

What are going to do about this intolerable situation OP? Doing nothing is not an option.

Older children can be much more frustrating.
If he hurts your DD again when she is 6,7, would you expect her to lie to cover up what he had done to her teacher? Would you keep her off on a PE day if she had bruises?
Think about that. If you don't want that to be your future, because you know it isn't right, realise that it isn't right now either. Just because nobody else sees it. :(

Someone who thinks they are right sees no reason to change.

What will it be like when she a hormonal 13 year old who answers back?!

Now, the stinky bum thing wouldn't really bother me although i wouldn't like the use of the word stinky. I call my DD smelly bum sometimes.

However, the rest of is behaviour is appalling. Pulling a small child, a baby really, off by their hair????

Throwing your child??? What if she had missed the bed and landed on the floor? What if she had landed on DD2 in a much more serious way, causing broken bones etc.

Yes you have been with him all your adult life, but trust me, trauma like this will stay with your DD all her adult life

I know how easy the decision would be for me.

I really hope that you have sorted something out - for the sake of your children.

Your OH does not sound like a nice person & you should be seriously thinking about removing your DCs from his orbit.

(And I suspect you know that what I - and many. many others - are saying is true.)

Get it sorted - for the sake of the children.

Incident 1 does it for me, in what possible way could he even attempt to justify handling a 2yo child in that way? I would find it a calculated and deliberate move, as in not possibly the result from pain and shock (although this would not provide justification for me anyway). To bite her father on the chest she would have had to be facing him, yes? So it would seem logical to me that the most natural, and safest way to 'remove' her from the situation would be to lift her under the arms, as one would when picking up from the floor, cot or similar. Look into her eyes, a firm, but calm 'No!' Turn child away from self, place gently on the floor, or other safe place associated with discipline in your house. Very far removed from the situation you describe OP.

This 'man' has abused both of your children, one on several occasions from a very young age. None of you are safe, please get out.

I get a very bad feeling from this thread that the OP has decided not to engage with the issue any more, I really hope I am wrong.

Someone up the thread commented that the same person had posted at the time of the first incident - ie two years ago. I expect the reaction was exactly the same - extreme concern and voices of experience telling her to get herself and the dc away asap. Two years on she is still there.

April rain, that name suggests that you love new beginnings, lovely name. x
Please please please listen to these lovely ladies, they know what they're talking about. xx
I don't post on this board, because the ladies can say it better than me, but i have to, because i've been there.
First and foremost is the willing to make everything ok, i have no doubt that you love your daughter (wee pet), but you can't. No matter how you try pet, your OH has an engrained fault in him that (in his eyes) makes this acceptable. You don't, (which is why you posted here) . Can i just say that while he is "fun" that doesnt accept the way he treats your child. It's a rollercoaster ride, because he thinks that for every good he does negates the abuse. Which it is.
I was like you, but the first time he called my son a "cunt" started the bells ringing, he was also your daughters age. The second time was in the park, a little girl wanted to share my sons swing, and pushed him off, my son was in tears, and his response was "shut the little fucker up"
He was gone that night.
Now, i was fortunate because i'm financially independant, so that didn't come into it, but i can't stress this enough, my son is very happy and secure now, and God Forbid, if i had stayed with this "man" i can't contemplate how he may have been.
Only you can decide pet, but honestly? if it were my child, i'd be seriously looking out of this relationship.

Any violence to a child ... My child .. we'd be gone !!

Reading this thread has scared the hell out of me and makes me want to sob for your DDs. Please OP, if you are still reading, there is no other option apart from to leave before another incident. Talking / reasoning will have no effect.

What you have posted about your DH's daily interaction with your DD - shouty, sarcastic, and dismissive - with the admission that he doesn't like her, his own daughter! would be enough for me to leave without the violence. Other posters have commented on the emotional effect that this verbal abuse would be likely to have on your daughter while she is growing up.

This is so, so sad.

You may be sitting down with him now, the kids are in bed, and its "quality time" for both of you. You may have sex with him tonight, but nothing will have changed. And for you and your dear little daughter. i'm sad xxx

Please April, read these posts from ladies who know. In time, perhaps you'll get it, perhaps you won't, but i personally will give a cheer if i've read that you've left him xx.

No man that treated my children like that would ever have the time of day from me.

Who the fuck does he think he is ?

get this Tin Pot Hitler out of your children's lives

What the hell is wrong with you

You would prioritise your own relationship over your dc's emotional well being?

get a fucking cop on

If there were likes from this, id be highfiving Anyfucker.

OP are you okay? Please come back and talk to us. We are here for you x

Op this man is abusing your babies. And you are complicit in that abuse. That is a very, very ugly truth but it IS the truth.
If a nursery worker or teacher starts to notice bruising on your children, they will start to follow procedures.
This is NOT right. My children only have limited contact with their father, and no overnights. So i have walked a little in your shoes - although the abuse of my children started after I'd left and he couldn't get at me any more. I rang the police after the first incident - it was the scariest thing I've ever done but I had to do it.

The police and SS WILL help. I have little faith in the NSPCC personally but I know that some posters have found them useful - google to find the number ? You need to take a photograph of your babys bruise.
This has to stop. Now.

april i know you said you are not complicit.

my mother married my stepfather when i was 7. He met me aged 6. He hated me and i knew it, but i wanted my mother to be happy and i went along with everything. Then she married him.
the first time he hit me was a shock. id never been hit before. he pulled up a cane from the garden and chased me around the kitchen with it, whipping me at the back of my legs because i wasnt washing up fast enough.

then he was sorry.

but he did it again and again and again. all my life from 7 to 15 when i left home i lived with a man who hated me, who was violent and abusive to me, who swore at me and called me names. The violence escalated - he ended up breaking my fingers and knocking me out with one punch to the head. He never hurt my mother. She would say to this day that she "defended" me.
but she didnt.
because it kept happening.
i have not spoken to her for the last 12 years.I will never have contact with her again - i have had counselling and this is the right thing for me. If this is what you want for your daughter, do nothing and carry on "defending" her as you are.
if you want a relationship with your children then leave the man who abuses your children. One day your daughter will realise that she was abused and she will blame you for not protecting her - thats your job, if you fail to do it then she has every right to blame you.
i think i blame my mother more than my father. She had the power to stop his abuse at any point - but she made me endure it for years.

I have a poor relationship with my mother

she put her relationship with a man (my father) before my emotional well being all through my childhood

it's a crying shame because I have excellent relationships with women, always have done

with the exception of my mother

april where have you gone ?

withdrawn until the next incident ?

Vicar, that must have been difficult to write down here and just awful to experience .

OP I hope you are still out there, listening and taking this in.