DH aggressive with DD

[aprilrain]

There have been 3 physical incidents:

1. About 2 years ago (she was 2yo) she was going through a biting phase. She bit his chest and he pulled her off by her hair. Caused pain and upset.

2. Last year (just turned 4) she was jumping around him in bed while he was trying to lie in. He told her to stop. She carried on. He smacked her on her back, without warning, because he was "tired and irritable".

3. Last night, getting ready for bed, she was wiggling her bum at him (4yo humour) and he was getting annoyed because she wiggled it in his face. He pushed her away (looked more like a throw to me but I didn't see properly), she went flying onto the bed, landing on our 10 month old baby, hurting both of them. (Baby has a small bruise today).

I had serious words with him after each incident. He feels very bad about no3 and did apologise to DD. But as for 1 and 2 he still to this day defends his actions. He seems to think that a "short sharp shock" is a necessary part of parenting. I couldn't disagree more. I'm not a perfect parent and I do lose my temper but I believe in calm parenting.

In his everyday interactions with her, he is often shouty, sarcastic and dismissive of her feelings. He has (out of her earshot) described her to me as "a little bitch" and "a knobhead". He has said he doesn't like her. He doesn't really play with her or do activities - if he's in charge (rare) he puts the tv on and gets on with his own stuff. We only do family stuff if instigated by me.

He can also be very kind, loving and a lot of fun - jokes, silliness, tickles etc.

I'm really worried about the impact his aggressiveness will be having on DD. And I'm worried that he's going to be the same with DD2 once she's past the baby stage.

Basically, I think he's a rubbish parent. But he won't listen to me. And I seem to be constantly criticising him, which he puts up with but takes no notice of. He says his parents were like this and it's done him no harm.

Am I being too controlling? Or are my concerns valid?

Those incidents of violence wouldn't worry me too much in the context of someone who is generally a loving, caring, parent. I know I have occasionally pulled my DDs off me a little too harshly when they have accidentally genuinely caused me pain, purely in instinctive reaction.

But his verbally expressed contempt for his own child is chilling. I wouldn't raise my child around someone who said, in plain and unmistakable words, that they did not like her and had no regard for her. The child will pick up on it and will be damaged by it, whether he says anything in earshot or not.

I agree with much that has been said .
However you talk of three incidents and the facts need to be dealt with but talking of 'why are you still with him' etc etc is over doing it. He's her father and it sounds like they have good times together. I think you need to talk to him from a position of strength. Have an alternative plan for you or have a recorder handy so you can play back to him what happened if it happens again. That might shock him. You can at least have a serious go at getting him to see what he is doing, he respects you , you say, he knows what it is so while he may not get the parenting thing now ,it is up to you to at least try to help him through it.

i cant type for crying here..

Totally agree with Sherperkie - you have to do something about it or he will ruin your daughter's self confidence.
My dad still thinks of himself as the most loving caring parent but his sarcastic remarks and insults disguised as jokes made me doubt myself all my life.
I'm not one to say leave the bastard though. I think you have to try hard to make your DH see what he's doing and understand the impact his behaviour has.
I hope this thread will help, and I wish you strength

You are right to be concerned. Listen to your gut instinct, please don't doubt yourself.

The first incident, you 'tore strips off him'. Yet he still doesn't admit he did anything wrong. Do you see that what you say isn't go to make a difference.

He isn't sorry, he hasn't apologised. He thinks it is his right to pull his daughter by the hair.

Challenging behaviour is normal and it doesn't get any easier when they are older. What will he be like when she is a teenager. Will he be calling her a slut? Will he drag her into the house by her hair when she defies him?

As far as he is concerned, women need to know their place, he is the boss and that's the end of it. I can only see this situation getting worse.

If it were me I would insist that he arrange and attend anger management and parenting classes at the very least. If he wasn't prepared to do this then I would not be prepared to live with him. His choice.

I feel really sad for your little girl that her own Daddy has said that he doesn't like her

Have a recorder handy to play back to him next time he physically assaults their daughter? sure, he sounds like he would be receptive to that(!) and a small child gets to experience his wrath yet again.

OP, you are right, trust your gut because your concerns are very valid (be aware that I worship at the altar of Leave The Bastard). Words, sitting down and having a 'serious' discussion won't wash with this man, as tearing strips off him didn't stop his abuse, actions speak louder than words. Hope you and your daughter are ok today.

That chilled me to the bone.

Op please leave him. Protect your children. No good can from a man who can treat his daughter like that.

My dad was violent to me during my childhood (11-15). I bear the scars both physically and mentally even now at 30.
My dad was ill though, undiagnosed breakdown and I was a cheeky madam. We have an excellent relationship now but I still wish I had been removed from harms way long before I was.

Please leave him.

The first incident would have been understandable if he was utterly horrified and vowed never to do anything like that again as he was in pain and just reacting.

That he thinks he was justified and has since escalated in violence without the "justification" that its hard to control how you remove someone from you when they are hurting you. Throwing and hitting children for being annoying is not on. See a solicitor and try to find out how you can stop him ever seeing them unsupervised.

I think TalkativeJim makes some excellent points here. If an injury is caused you will also be judged for allowing it to happen. And yes you would be allowing it as you now have the knowledge of what he is capable of doing. You couldn't even tell the authorities that it was a one-off and you didn't see it coming. Your children need you to protect them. He is not sorry, he is openly hostile to his child and he is escalating.

'The first incident would have been understandable if he was utterly horrified and vowed never to do anything like that again as he was in pain and just reacting.'

I've always thought this too. He always argued that he was in pain and reacting to the pain BUT he has never been horrified at what he did. He denies responsibility because it was a 'reflex action' and it doesn't bother him one bit (except that I keep bringing it up).

Are you really taking this all in?

What do you get from this godawful abusive relationship now?. What keeps you within this?.

Feel the most for your children in all this as both adults in their lives are badly letting them down.

I remember your other thread. Don't know why the hell you are still with this man. You are allowing your children to be abused and you must leave end of.

Think of your first child as a 'testing station' for your second one. He will see how far he can push it. Then he will become more controlling and aggressive.

Every time you allow him to abuse your children, you are conspiring with him.

I can't quite bring myself to describe my DH as violent, even though he has inflicted these 3 incidents on her. These incidents are rare and non have caused injury to DD1. However there is a small bruise on the baby which would not have been there if he had controlled himself. He says it was an accident - in some way I suppose it was because he didn't intend for DD1 to land on the baby, but nevertheless that was the effect of his use of physical force. This morning at breakfast I said "Have you seen the bruise on DD2?" And he replied "Yes," but said nothing more. He's gone out now.

The posts mentioning my DDs self esteem are the ones resonating with me the most. This is what worries me day in day out - that he is teaching her that she is not a likeable person.

He does that jokey insult thing someone mentioned - all very childish and meant as fun but I can see it getting to her sometimes. He does it with me too. He really doesn't think it's odd or wrong. He calls us 'stinkers' all the time. He slaps DDs bum in play and calls her 'stinky bum' and she laughs and calls him names back ... I don't know, maybe that's normal? But I don't say that kind of stuff to her.

Sometimes when he tickles her she squirms and says 'no' and he does it again. I had a word with him about that the other day, explained that we had to teach her that we respect her body / body space so that she will learn to respect her own body. He listened, didn't protest. I haven't seen him do that again. He just doesn't think.

I'm constantly having a go at him for his parenting. But you see, I read books and I read Mumsnet to get advice and ideas on parenting. He doesn't believe in parenting books, he thinks they're ridiculous. His only influence is his own upbringing

You do not want to think of him as violent (perhaps because of denial and that itself is powerful) but he clearly is.

He has frightened you and subjugated you now long enough to become seemingly inurred to his ongoing wrath towards his children.

I was wondering what his parents are like here; pound to a penny they are abusive as well.

So what do you get out of this relationship Aprilrain, or can you not answer that question at all because you yourself have nothing positive to say about him?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, what sort of lessons do you think are actually being imparted to these young people here?.

Just for the record - I'm not defending him - but we were together for 16 years before we had our first child. He has never been violent to me. Never. I couldn't have known he would be this way with the DC.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

How can you stay with someone who has previously called your DD a "little bitch" and a "knobhead". You know she was called these things.

He did not say those things within her hearing. He was letting off steam to me. I was utterly shocked however.

But you know now all too well and he has been both verbally and physically violent towards your children.

I can guess that in your 16 years together, these have not been altogether happy years.

You were aware that his parents acted the same towards him, it is therefore not surprising that he is further carrying on their warped parenting models as he himself was taught that when growing up.

"He did not say those things within her hearing. He was letting off steam to me. I was utterly shocked however"

Letting off steam!. He got off that lightly. You would never use those words to describe your DD would you?. (His parents also probably called him such insulting names).

You were shocked yes but you didn't probably say any more to him and you are still there with him.

I don't know much about his parents. They died when he was a young adult. I gather it was quite a dysfunctional family though. He does carry a lot of resentment, particularly about his mum's alcoholism and his dad's death leaving him without a guiding hand.

You probably on some level thought you could save and or rescue him from his dysfunctional background. He is now transferring all that damaging stuff he learnt from his childhood directly to his children who are now being damaged by him in front of your eyes.

What will it take for you to snap out of your inertia?.

So I'm a terrible mother am I, Attilla?

I'm here asking for help and perspective.