DH aggressive with DD

[aprilrain]

There have been 3 physical incidents:

1. About 2 years ago (she was 2yo) she was going through a biting phase. She bit his chest and he pulled her off by her hair. Caused pain and upset.

2. Last year (just turned 4) she was jumping around him in bed while he was trying to lie in. He told her to stop. She carried on. He smacked her on her back, without warning, because he was "tired and irritable".

3. Last night, getting ready for bed, she was wiggling her bum at him (4yo humour) and he was getting annoyed because she wiggled it in his face. He pushed her away (looked more like a throw to me but I didn't see properly), she went flying onto the bed, landing on our 10 month old baby, hurting both of them. (Baby has a small bruise today).

I had serious words with him after each incident. He feels very bad about no3 and did apologise to DD. But as for 1 and 2 he still to this day defends his actions. He seems to think that a "short sharp shock" is a necessary part of parenting. I couldn't disagree more. I'm not a perfect parent and I do lose my temper but I believe in calm parenting.

In his everyday interactions with her, he is often shouty, sarcastic and dismissive of her feelings. He has (out of her earshot) described her to me as "a little bitch" and "a knobhead". He has said he doesn't like her. He doesn't really play with her or do activities - if he's in charge (rare) he puts the tv on and gets on with his own stuff. We only do family stuff if instigated by me.

He can also be very kind, loving and a lot of fun - jokes, silliness, tickles etc.

I'm really worried about the impact his aggressiveness will be having on DD. And I'm worried that he's going to be the same with DD2 once she's past the baby stage.

Basically, I think he's a rubbish parent. But he won't listen to me. And I seem to be constantly criticising him, which he puts up with but takes no notice of. He says his parents were like this and it's done him no harm.

Am I being too controlling? Or are my concerns valid?

For those getting sngry with me: I am considering leaving him over this. I have never taken big decisions lightly though. Please remember I've been with this man 20 years but we've only had DC for 4 years - easy to say "Why havent you left?" He has been with me my whole adult life. Not so easy to just throw it away. We are not in immediate danger from him, I don't need to run away tonight.

OP
If anyone else treated your dd like that what would you do?

If she had a child minder who did that to her would you send her back?

If a random stranger in the park did that to her would you say nothing and walk away returning to the park for him to hurt her again another time?

Why is her father allowed to be violent towards her on 3 occasions when I am guessing that if anyone else did that to her you would quite rightly freak out and not let them near her again or even report them.

You are teaching your daughter that it is ok for a man to physically hurt her and that her mum will not protect her from it happening again

I repeat,you would not let ANYONE else do this to your daughter. Why are you allowing your husband?

It's not a big decision though.

It's the easiest decision in the world.

It's easier than deciding whether to have toast or cereal for breakfast.

Stay with or leave a man who hurts your children.

I honestly cannot think of an easier decision. I truly can't.

If you keep issuing ultimatums they lose all their power. A mistake is to keep on issuing them because he knows that you are not going to act on it anyway.
You cannot therefore issue any more ultimatums.

You instead need to decide for yourself if this marriage is indeed worth all the rubbish that your man puts you and your children through. I could tell you now that it is not but you need to come to that realisation for your own self. After all you have sunk 20 years into him (how old were you when you met him btw?).

What is the longest period of time to your knowledge that he has actually gone without alcohol?. Would you consider him to be someone who has a drink problem?.

What does he do all day if he is not working?.

You are codependent on him and that state is completely unhealthy. He needs you to remain his enabler and will do and say anything to keep you within this.

Wow. If my DH did that to my DD her would never see her again. Easy decision.

Personally I don't find child abusers attractive so would have no problem chucking him out but each to their own I guess

It's easier than deciding whether to have toast or cereal for breakfast

Do you really rink it feels that easy to me???

I think it's sad that it doesn't. These are your children. I feel very sad for them and for you that it doesn't. I wish you felt it was an easy decision, I really do.

I understand how something can be so much harder from the inside than the outside. But read what you've written and imagine you're on the outside reading that.

Can you not see what we see?

This is a four year old child we are talking about. Only a very small girl. Yes children can be very annoying at times and people can lose their tempers. Some people were brought up very harshly. If you think you can change his attitude then try. If it can't be changed then it's a waste of time.

Sorry you are in this terrible situation aprilrain:(

Atilla gives very sound advice and knows a lot about dysfunctional relationships. I won't hijack but her knowledge about toxic parenting helped to change my life permanently for the better.

What worries me most is that he is reacting without thinking when the children make him see red, and that he clearly thinks this buys him absolution from his actions. A 4yo and a baby... yes, they can wind you up... but what about when he has a tantrumming 2 or 3yo AND a mouthy older child? Or two primary aged girls who bicker, answer back, tell lies etc?What about moody door-slamming supercilious teenagers?

You deserve a future without walking on eggshells and feeling guilty. And so so your girls.

Yes I can. But I am not on the outside. This isn't theoretical to me.

I wouldn't bother with issuing an ultimatum (what is the point? It is just a way for you to let off steam and then give yourself a life of stress), but I would be issuing divorce papers.

When you know your parent doesn't like you you never get over that.

Look at the bruise on your baby's head.

If you stay with this man SS WILL get involved at some point. If you don't protect your children ss will remove them from your care.
You will end up in A&E at some point or one of your Dd's will say something to a teacher at school.

OP it wasn't theoretical for me, I put up with my Ex being abusive to me but as soon as he started showing the same hostility to our then 4 week old baby I was out of there. And then I fought like hell through the courts to keep my DS safe. I wanted a family unit, I wanted more children, I loved him. I became a single parent in a refuge with a pretty shitty financial situation. But I look at my DS now nearly 5 and see what a happy and secure little boy he is and there is not a question in my mind I did the right thing. He has some contact with his father but it is quite limited and controlled and he has had many assessments.

I don't understand why it isn't an easy decision for you. I'm sorry, I just don't.

No. You are quite right. It isn't theoretical to you. It's happening to your children.

April, I was called every kind of bitch you can imagine, growing up in a house just like yours. Years and years of it, no one stood up for me and said that was an unacceptable way for my dad to speak to me/about me. When I was 18, my brother got engaged, and my dad thought he was being 'funny' in calling DB's fiancé some sort of bitch. She didn't find it amusing, neither did her dad and only after my dad was threatened by her dad, he apologised profusely for offending them. I can remember thinking how no one ever stood up for me for all those years I got that abuse off him. My mum never, ever said he was out of order. My brother just called me the same names. I have massive self esteem issues which I've been working on for over ten years, and I still cannot actually believe in myself enough to get past that as I endured that abuse for as long as I can remember - from aged 2/3. I no longer see or speak to my dad, and I rarely see my mum as she's still with him, still excusing him. Your DH will utterly destroy your DD as she grows older. I can guarantee it. And some day she will look at you and wonder why you never stood ip for her. It'll probably happen when she becomes a mother herself, that's when I suddenly became really angry with my mum. Our relationship has never been the same since I realised she never thought standing up for me was worth doing.

April, this is not going to end happily. I have been through the Family Courts with SS and CAFCASS involvement through no fault of my own; I have had to take on two more young children through residence orders. I have seen a young woman have her children taken from her.

You could become involved in a situation where SS will take the children from you if you do not make your DH leave your home.

If one of your children is injured again, YOU could be in the pool of possible perpetrators if your DH denies inflicting the injuries. This means the children will be removed into foster care until a decision is taken upon who caused the injury and who failed to protect the children.

The children will "tell" eventually; it will probably be the school or nursery.

If she leaves him he'll be with the children on his own.

What will happen then?

It is not the easy descion that some posters describe. Try going through the family courts before posting how easy this choice is.

You mean like the poster above you?

Not necessarily LittleBoSqueak, it took over 4 years for my Ex to get any form of unsupervised contact, and he has still never been allowed to have DS overnight. On the other hand if she stays and continues to allow her children to be subjected to abuse then SS will probably become involved and neither parent may end up able to have the children on their own, OP included.

My experience is she won't be believed. I begged SS for help.

What do you think has been the best advice given OP? I can understand your in a difficult position, and there are no easy options, sometimes it seems easier to stay as you are and hope for the best.

If you have given ultimatums before, he may not take them seriously. Does he generally take note if you say enough is enough, that might give you an insight into how he may behave if you give him an ulimatum over this.
He needs to go to anger management at the very least. His habit of striking without thinking is very dangerous to your girls. That's generally the sort of thing that injures children instead of consistent day to day abuse.

I don't want to frighten you but if it does happen again, and if he injures one of them (HCP are aware of what is a usual childhood injury and what is not and looks suspicious), HCP will refer to SS, who not only will be looking at your husband, but your capability to protect your children. Once you are under SS microscope, everything is looked at in detail and put down in black and white for lots of professionals to look at, it's not a nice process to go through.

Write down your concerns, spell it out for him, the man needs professional help, or needs to leave. That's if you want to give him another chance. If he does it again ffs leave, don't be one of those women who wrings her hands about her children's treatment, whines about it but isn't prepared to actually protect them.

Best of luck.

LittleBo, she could go for supervised access only. (Plus, he may not even want access or it may tail off naturally, given his attitude to the dc).

Not to mention, living in an abusive atmosphere 24/7 vs living in an abusive atmosphere, say, every alternate weekend and one day a week, with your primary residence as a safe, normal environment - I know which option I'd choose.

Also (possibly) he might even shape up as a non-resident parent, doing the fun things and not doing the day-to-day, and knowing any crap will get him in court.

This seems similiar to another post last year by a poster who was concerned about her DH drinking as a separate issue but he also hit her DD on the back in temper because she bumped against him in bed. May be a totally different poster but thought Id mention it as it rings bells.

It's the same poster, sodalime.