DH aggressive with DD

[aprilrain]

There have been 3 physical incidents:

1. About 2 years ago (she was 2yo) she was going through a biting phase. She bit his chest and he pulled her off by her hair. Caused pain and upset.

2. Last year (just turned 4) she was jumping around him in bed while he was trying to lie in. He told her to stop. She carried on. He smacked her on her back, without warning, because he was "tired and irritable".

3. Last night, getting ready for bed, she was wiggling her bum at him (4yo humour) and he was getting annoyed because she wiggled it in his face. He pushed her away (looked more like a throw to me but I didn't see properly), she went flying onto the bed, landing on our 10 month old baby, hurting both of them. (Baby has a small bruise today).

I had serious words with him after each incident. He feels very bad about no3 and did apologise to DD. But as for 1 and 2 he still to this day defends his actions. He seems to think that a "short sharp shock" is a necessary part of parenting. I couldn't disagree more. I'm not a perfect parent and I do lose my temper but I believe in calm parenting.

In his everyday interactions with her, he is often shouty, sarcastic and dismissive of her feelings. He has (out of her earshot) described her to me as "a little bitch" and "a knobhead". He has said he doesn't like her. He doesn't really play with her or do activities - if he's in charge (rare) he puts the tv on and gets on with his own stuff. We only do family stuff if instigated by me.

He can also be very kind, loving and a lot of fun - jokes, silliness, tickles etc.

I'm really worried about the impact his aggressiveness will be having on DD. And I'm worried that he's going to be the same with DD2 once she's past the baby stage.

Basically, I think he's a rubbish parent. But he won't listen to me. And I seem to be constantly criticising him, which he puts up with but takes no notice of. He says his parents were like this and it's done him no harm.

Am I being too controlling? Or are my concerns valid?

Your baby has been bruised as a result of your H's temper. Next time one of the children is injured in a more serious way how will you explain it?

I'm sorry April, I see threads all the time screaming "Leave him" etc and think 'wow! Bring it down a level' but I genuinely think he's had his chances -

Before we had our DS we spoke explicitly about smacking etc and DH thought it was acceptable in certain circumstances due to his own upbringing - however we agreed to read some books, take some advice (I was dead against it and. Showed him what the law says about this kind of thing) and we both came to the conclusion that we would NOT be using this as a type of discipline - did you ever discuss these issues during your 16 years together? Or whilst pregnant?

I'm sorry to say it but if my husband ever called our child anything near those things he would be out in a flash - his behaviour is disgusting, she is 4 years old and there's already 3 occasions like this? Unacceptable, sorry OP but where does he go from there? What if next time it's worse? How do you explain that to your own daughter?

Think about your daughters

You are not a terrible mother, but you aren't being a very good one right now (sorry)
You need to remove this toxic influence from your children's lives. He will destroy your daughter from the inside out. her father doesn't like her. He thinks she is a little bitch and a knobhead

Doesn't matter if she heard it or not, that's how he feels. She will understand that. She probably already does. That will destroy her.

What a distressing thread. April, your husband is abusing your kids. Next time he could seriously hurt them. Tell him to leave, protect your children. No matter how much I love my DH, if he EVER laid a finger on my kids it would be game over.

If you don't do something now, the consequences could be horrific. Your poor DD, you are the only person who can protect her. Please protect her now, today.

OP- your post made me shake. Your baby has a bruise- your husband has comitted a CRIME. He could be arrested for what he has done.
If your child tells anyone what goes in your household, children's services WILL become involved and they WILL ask why you haven't protected your children.
Please please for your daughter's sake- read what you have posted here and please realise how serious this situation is.

He doesn't believe he's in the wrong. He is dismissive of her feelings and doesn't play with her.

Sounds like my ex, he had a terrible childhood (actually lied to me and himself about how bad it was) but isn't interested in any help with his parenting. Before we had ds he seemed sweet and often caring. Having a family is incredibley stressful (loss of freedom, sleep, irritations etc) and sometimes stress brings out bad behaviour in people. My ex is very insecure, hence he didn't want anyone to help him or point out his mistakes. None of that is ds' fault though.

I can't tell you what to do. But do you think it can just carry on like this? Its good he apologised this time but what about the next time they annoy him? (they will, children can be very annoying). He'll again react in anger and maybe apologise again? Is that enough? And what is your dd learning about herself from him? That she is not good enough?

I have no idea whether you should stay or go - it's impossible to make judgements based on a web post. It does sound like he needs help controlling his anger and with how to respond to his kids. Maybe some therapy or counselling would help him learn to manage his frustration better which would ultimately be the best resolution for all of you.

He really needs to sort out his violent outursts before he actually does some lasting damage.

You are absolutely right to be taking this very seriously. I would be inclined to ask him to leave temporarily until he starts some therapy and then look at what can be salvaged?

Good luck. Poor you. Family life can be so hard?

I don't think you are a bad mum. I think it must be incredibly confusing the two separate sides to his character.

The problem is he now has form. Would you go out and leave your children with him? What will happen if one of then does something bad? Where are the punishments and flip outs going to lead to? How far could he go?

When does he stop calling her names to you and start calling her to her face.

It's all just too much. He needs to accept this is unacceptable. He needs help if he wants to carry on being part of that family. If he is unwilling then I would advise you to think very carefully.
I am sorry you are in this position.

it has always struck me that he treats me with far more respect than he treats her. But he knows I will stand up for myself.

Who will stand up for your dd1? Or your dd2 for that matter, since he seems to find it acceptable to injure one by throwing the other.

Basically, I think he's a rubbish parent. But he won't listen to me.

I think you're right on both counts. So you know what you need to do.

"So I'm a terrible mother am I, Attilla?
I'm here asking for help and perspective".

No I am not suggesting that but you are also seeing what is happening to your children at his hands. He has not listened to you and clearly does not give a toss for either you or his children.

There have been 3 incidents already, there will be more given time.

your dd could have landed heavily on your baby's head this morning and done so much more damage than "just a bruise". your dd isnt the only one in danger here... you have 2 children, its only a matter of time before he starts treating the youngest the same way. do you seriously want this to happen?

Are you aware that a little girls's relationship with her father is what will shape her relationships with men in her future?

How a father treats his daughter will give the daughter the idea of how she should expect to be treated by her husband.

Aprilrain,

He is still drinking as well isn't he?.

Aprilrain, I remember your last thread when he smacked your little girl on the back. You are not a terrible mother, but it is your duty to protect your babies. This man clearly has anger issues that need to be addressed. He is going to seriously harm one of your children. Please take protective action now..

He was watching me play with the baby earlier and he noticed her bruise again. He said "Aww poor little thing with a little bruise." and stroked her. I was watching him - he was giving fatherly sympathy as if she had done it herself by falling or something - there was not one shred of visible remorse or guilt in him.

Whereas whenever I look at the baby today and see the bruise I feel sick with the memory of how it happened.

Have you taken a photo of the bruise? And keep a note of when and how it happened. Because if/when you leave him you want evidence that he shouldn't get unsupervised contact.

In your opening post you said He feels very bad about no3 and did apologise to DD (DD1 presumably rather than DD2). But it seems strange that the only incident he has actually demonstrated any remorse over he seems to have erased from his memory within hours of it happening.

I don't think he does feel very bad about having thrown one child at another. Or pushing, or whatever he claims happened.

OP. Your children do not have a choice or the power to leave. You do. I do not understand why you keep making these threads. Get off the internet and go and save your children.

If I knew you in real life I would report your husband to the police and social services. Please do the right thing. I do not know how you can stand by and watch this. You said yourself he shows no remorse. YOU are keeping your children IN HARM's WAY.

I am hiding this thread now because I am in tears of frustration at your refusal to act.

Have you heard of gas-lighting? He may be doing this to you, OP, by pretending there's nothing gone on. It can make you doubt your own perceptions.

I've given him so many ultimatums in the last few months.

I'd had enough of his drinking and told him I was leaving unless he sorted it. He sorted it (for now - always on tenterhooks).

I told him he needed to get a job and he wasn't trying hard enough to get one. He got a job (again, I'm on tenterhooks as he's already talked about quitting)

Now I'm going to have to issue a new ultimatum. Have to work out exactly what my terms are before I say it to him. Anger management? Parenting classes? Counselling? Reading?

This man marriage is hard bloody work

April, you know deep down he has a problem seeing his behaviour as wrong. You know he won't stop, and in time as both kids get bigger, the behaviour will get worse. I remember as I reached my teens, my dad became much more cruel in how he treated me, I was developing my own morals, opinions and views and that was seen as just another challenge for him to 'overcome'. I even remember he sought advice from church elders on how to deal with his 'wayward' teen daughter . Your DH has no recognition of boundaries with his behaviour and it will only get worse as your children get older. He either recognises how wrong this is and addresses it, or you need to take drastic action to protect your children. You simply cannot allow them to grow up around him with this attitude and behaviour as it will affect them.

I notice you say more than once that he isn't violent to you, as though if he was, that would somehow mean more or be worthy of action. I am sure that you didn't mean it to come across like that, but it does.

But you can defend yourself, as you say. You can walk away. Your children cannot and because of that, you have the duty to give them the protection that they cannot give themselves and which you would give to yourself.

If he had pulled you by your hair, thumped you on the back and pushed you off a bed, and given you a bruise and didn't even seem to care - would you still be with him?

Your children can't choose to leave. They are stuck here. It is down to you to ensure they aren't pulled by the hair, hit, thumped, bruised, pushed or verbally laid into.

Well, obviously it SHOULD be down to him to not bloody do it! But since that's not going to happen - it's down to you!

Are you sure this marriage is worth the hard work and the harm to the dc?

He is putting your dc at risk - he could have really hurt the baby - he must have terrified your dd as well as hurting her.

I found it really difficult to read your posts, OP. You say you are asking for help an perspective - well, you've got it.
Pretty much unanimously.
If you were my daughter and they were my DGC, he would be out of that house in a heartbeat.

How can you bear to live with someone who calls your (and his) daughter a bitch? And that's the least of it. She knows how he feels about her. Will he be the same with your other DC as she gets older?